Thread: Joke of the day!

Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!


Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet!


I don't trip over things, I do random gravity checks!


I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off!


Old age is coming at a really bad time!


When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment ... now, as a grown up, it just feels like a small vacation!


The biggest lie I tell myself is ... "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."


Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can & the friends to post my bail when I finally snap!


I don't have gray hair. I have "wisdom highlights". I'm just very wise.


My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance to idiots that needs work.

Top 16 Police Retorts

I know you've probably seen these before, but they are still funny.

16 Police Comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:

#16 "You know, stop lights don't come any redder that the one you just went through."

#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

# 14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second?
Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

#11 "You don't know how fast you were going?
I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

#10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help.
Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

#9 "Warning! You want a warning?
O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not.
Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair?
Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides,
eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in donkey poop."

#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

#4 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"

#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

#2 "I'm glad to hear that Chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS....

#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

And You Thought Fishing Was Safe!





January 13, 2015 By Clark Holmes

Hillbilly Fish Story

A hillbilly was stopped by a game warden in East Tennessee recently with two ice chests full of fish. He was leavin' a cove well-known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the man, 'Do you have a license to catch those fish?' 'Naw, sir', replied the hillbilly. 'I ain't got none of them there licenses. You must understand, these here are my pet fish.'


'Pet fish?'

'Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests and I take 'em home.'

'That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that.'

The hillbilly looked at the warden for a moment and then said, 'It's the truth Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works.'

'O. K.', said the warden. 'I've got to see this!'

The hillbilly poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After several minutes, the warden says, 'Well?'

'Well, what?,' says the hillbilly.

The warden says, 'When are you going to call them back?'

'Call who back?'

'The FISH,' replied the warden!

'What fish?,' replied the hillbilly. .............

Moral of the story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees.

You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving north.

A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute Mexican refugee outside an Arizona immigration office.

"Good man," the fairy said, "I've been sent here by President Obama and told to grant you three wishes, since you just arrived in the United States with your wife and eight children." The man told the fairy, "Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them."

The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and -- PING !-- he had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!


"What else?" asked the fairy, "Two more to go."

The refugee claimant now got bolder. "I need a big house with a three-car garage in Scottsdale on the golf course with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my relatives who still live in my

country.. I want to bring them all over here" --- and -- PING !-- in the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three-car garage, a long driveway, and a walkout patio with a BBQ in an upscale neighborhood overlooking the golf course. "One more wish," said the fairy, waving her wand.

"Yes, one more wish. I want to be like an American with American clothes instead of these torn clothes, and a baseball cap instead of this sombrero. And I want to have white skin like Americans" ---and --- PING ! -- The man was transformed - wearing worn-out jeans, an Arizona Cardinal T-shirt, and a baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.

"What happened to my new teeth?" he wailed. "Where is my new house?"

THIS IS GOOD
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NO, ACTUALLY THIS IS VERY GOOD
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The fairy said: "Tough shit, Amigo, now that you are a white American, you have to fend for yourself."

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off.
So I ran over and said "Stop! don't do it!"

"Why shouldn't I?" he said.

I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"

He said, "Like what?"

I said, "Well...are you religious or atheist?"

He said, "Religious."

I said, "Me too! Are you christian or buddhist?"

He said, "Christian."

I said, "Me too! Are you catholic or protestant?"

He said, "Protestant."

I said, "Me too! Are you episcopalian or baptist?"

He said, "Baptist!"

I said,"Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"

He said, "Baptist Church of God!"

I said, "Me too! Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"

He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God!"

I said, "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?"

He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915!"

I said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed him off. --