Marriage question (hypothetical)

**dinosmom** · 03-17-2009, 09:45 AM

This question came up at book club last night (I just go for the wine and gossip LOL)....would you stay in your marriage if you realized you didnt truly love your spouse?

The scenario was that you realized after yrs of marriage that your spouse just wasnt truly "THE One". You were not in love with this person. They were nice, not abusive, treated you right etc and there are no children involved. Would you stay married to this person or would you want to find "The One"?

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***ahippiechic*** · 03-17-2009, 09:55 AM

Kinda. We had a child but stayed together for awhile, both realizing we weren't 'in love' anymore. It was just easier. We got along fine, our DD had both her parents. I'm with someone else now, but we're all good friends and hang together a lot.

**iluvmybaby** · 03-17-2009, 09:55 AM

Originally Posted by dinosmom

This question came up at book club last night (I just go for the wine and gossip LOL)....would you stay in your marriage if you realized you didnt truly love your spouse?

The scenario was that you realized after yrs of marriage that your spouse just wasnt truly "THE One". You were not in love with this person. They were nice, not abusive, treated you right etc and there are no children involved. Would you stay married to this person or would you want to find "The One"?

No, life is too short and you never know how much time you have left

**Renrut** · 03-17-2009, 10:24 AM

Nope, I left mine for that and a couple other reasons. Now we are great friends and realize we should have just been friends and never married.

**ntgsmommy** · 03-17-2009, 10:26 AM

I would have to say I would definately have known before I married them, once I make my vows before God, then yes I would stay married to them...vows are not meant to be broken.

**whatever** · 03-17-2009, 10:31 AM

boy thats a tough one. I would like to think NO. But in todays world it would depend on alot of things. Finances etc. I would not want to live in a loveless marriage. However I think alot of people probably do stay in one (even without kids) because of financial reasons etc.

**sandooch** · 03-17-2009, 11:35 AM

I think a lot of people stay also because they love the person but are not "in love" with them. As long as they are both happy with the situation, I don't see anything wrong with it.

**Kelsey1224** · 03-17-2009, 12:02 PM

I think marriages go through a variety of seasons and there are probably points in most people's marriage where they may not even 'like' the person very much. But, I believe in commitment and I believe in vows. And, I also believe that if you were willing to work on your marriage...and it always takes work...than you can fall back in love with someone again.

I know two couples (both of Indian descent...i.e., India, not American Indian)...whose marriages were arranged. Yes...they still do arrange marriages. They barely knew each other when they got married, but in both cases...are very happily married and are in love with their spouses.

Now the above scenario had this couple married for several years with no children involved. So, they had invested a lot of years together. In that case, I think you have created a life together so you stay together and work it out. If you are still young and have only been together a relatively short time...then I can understand if you wanted to move on. But, I question the maturity of someone who didn't realize this before they got married. And maybe that's the answer.

**hotwheelstx** · 03-17-2009, 12:18 PM

Since I waited til my late 30's to marry I say no you should stay together. Yes, there are good/bad times, good/bad moods, things that really get on your nerves but you still have to remember why you married this person in the first place. I'm not saying divorce is right/wrong. People I think sometimes stay in a bad marriage for the wrong reasons. I know my parents divorced when I was 13. Seperated when I was 10. I was much happier after my parents seperated......no more fighting, screaming, bad moods, walking on egg shells.

Now if your marriage is haunted by domestic, verbal, emotional abuse I say you shouldn't stay in it. There's no reason for anyone to have to go thru that torture....let alone be married to it.

Aggie and I really don't have a lot of the same interest in things. However, what we do like to do together we really enjoy. I think it's also important no matter how old or how long you've been married to have your own identity. I never for once have lost who I was before I was married 9 years ago. Aggie could take it or leave it in the beginning. It was his choice....I wasn't going to change for him.

I have to say that I'm glad I waited til I was "older" to get married. I was more settled in my ways, not to much on going out a lot anymore, still didn't want children, tired of the dating scene.

**meltodd69** · 03-17-2009, 01:19 PM

Boy thats a tough ?
You loved him at one point enough to marry. There would have to be a way to bring that back. I would fight!! If he was an abuser or cheating, NO! If the spark has just left, I would relite it. After all, I am a Woman!!! There is nothing I can't do lol.

**janelle** · 03-17-2009, 01:20 PM

If your marriage doesn't have addictions, violence or infidelity in it then I say stay. Boredom is not even near a reason to split. Some think love is having all those good feelings all the time and it isn't. My hubby says love doesn't always feel good all the time.

His first wife cheated on him and divorced him. I can only see what has happened to her. Two other marriages and divorces and the harm it did to their kids and probably the kids of the other people. I see this with other people as well. I don't know what they are looking for really.

I think it is better to work on staying in love with your spouse and really taking the time for the relationship. So many get complacent and think it will all take care of itself. You wouldn't do that with a friend so why do it with your spouse? Put each other first and keep it that way.

I like the movie, "Spanglish." The mother sees her daughter is having an affair on her husband and their marriage is falling apart. One night when the daughter is running off to see the other man the mother stops her and says something like----"I can see what you are doing and I have to tell you, you are going to be sorry. You are married to a good man who has spoiled you and you won't find that anywhere else. Before you go jumping into something else you better think about that and just what you are doing. You will be sorry for the rest of your life."

Some divorce before they think about it and then their troubles just begin. I know my step-kids have learned from it and I think now that they are both married they do know the pit falls divorce brings. Lots of younger people have seen their parents mistakes and learned from it. They know divorce can be just the beginning of our problems. The grass can look greener on the other side but it can be an illusion. Usually it's just different grass and that is all.

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