Thread: Cafe' La Rouge Comedy Club

Responses from performance evaluations in the
Federal Government


"Since my last report, this employee has reached
rock bottom and has started to dig."

"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out
of morbid curiosity"

"I would not allow this employee to breed"

"This employee is really not so much of a has-been,
but more of a definite won't be"

"Works well when under constant supervision and
cornered like a rat in a trap"

"When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only
to change feet"

"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot
puddle"

"This young lady has delusions of adequacy"

"He sets low personal standards and then consistently
fails to achieve them"

"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of
an idiot"

"This employee should go far, and the sooner the
better"

"Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to
hold it all together"

"He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier"

"I would like to go hunting with him sometime"

"He's been working with glue too much"

"He would argue with a signpost"

"He has knack for making strangers immediately"

"He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room"

"If you see 2 people talking and one looks bored,
he's the other one"

"A photographic memory but with the cap over the lens"

"A prime candidate for natural deselection"

"Donated his brain to science before he was done
using it"

"Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the
train isn't coming"

"If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered
twice a week"

Drive Your Man Crazy

1. Take the batteries out of all the
remotes in the house. (Hide them well.)
2. Organize his workshop, bedroom,
or other special place.
3. Bribe his faithful dog away from
him with a steady diet of Ring Dings.
4. Shrink his underwear in the dryer
and when he complains,
innocently suggest that he's
gained a few pounds.
5. Stare at his forehead and
when he notices, casually
ask if there is any history of
male pattern baldness on his mother's side.
6. "Accidentally" fill the gas
tank of his new Porsche with diesel.
7. Insist upon a lot of "meaningful
conversations."
8. If you live together, have
your mother fly in
for a month-long visit unannounced.
9. Reverse his contact lenses in their case.
10. Snip a small hole in his
fishing waders, then follow him
with a camera to capture
his "sinking" on film.

Originally posted by the fugative

Drive Your Man Crazy

1. Take the batteries out of all the remotes in the house. (Hide them well.)
2. Organize his workshop, bedroom, or other special place.
3. Bribe his faithful dog away from him with a steady diet of Ring Dings.
4. Shrink his underwear in the dryer and when he complains,
innocently suggest that he's gained a few pounds.
5. Stare at his forehead and when he notices, casually ask if there is any history of male pattern baldness on his mother's side.
6. "Accidentally" fill the gas tank of his new Porsche with diesel.
7. Insist upon a lot of "meaningful conversations."
8. If you live together, have your mother fly in for a month-long visit unannounced.
9. Reverse his contact lenses in their case.
10. Snip a small hole in his fishing waders, then follow him
with a camera to capture his "sinking" on film.

Oh man. After 30 years, I didn't think there were any 'new ones.' I've done a pretty good job all this time. But thanks for the suggestions, there's a couple there I'm going to try...

My favorite, and he STILL falls for it (albeit briefly) if I don't pull it too often:
All our remote controls seem to work ALL our tv's. So if I'm downstairs working out or doing laundry or reading, I'll grab the remote, come 1/2 way up the stairs (we have an open stairway in the LR with a half wall) put the remote JUST over the edge of the wall, and switch channels on him. The first time I did this, I nearly peed myself and choked trying NOT to laugh out loud at this knucklehead banging on his remote. He actually got UP and went and changed the channel MANUALLY on the tv, and I switched it back before he got back to the couch. I bet I did this 5 full minutes before he's going, "Janel, can you come up here? This d*mned remote is screwed up or possessed or something." I went upstairs, took the batteries out, put them back in, showed him the remote worked just 'fine' and he was happy. I went back downstairs (halfway) and started in again on him. Did this like 2 or 3 more times.

IT was tooooooo freaking funny! Makes me laugh out loud every time I think about it.

The Ages Of Women vs. The Ages Of Men

Women's Ages:

1. Between the ages of 13 and 18, she is like Africa.
Virgin and unexplored.

2. Between the ages of 19 and 35, she is like Asia.
Hot and exotic.

3. Between the ages of 36 and 45, she is like America.
Fully explored, breathtakingly beautiful, and free with her resources.

4. Between the ages of 46 and 58, she is like Europe.
Exhausted, but still has many points of interest.

5. After 58 she is like Australia.
Everybody knows it's down there but who gives a d*mm.

Men's Ages:

1. Between the ages of 18 and 32...Tri-weekly.
2. Between the ages of 32 and 50...Try, weekly.
3. Over 50...Try, weakly.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Alternate Ages Of Women vs. The Ages Of Men

Between the ages of 15 - 18 a woman is like China or Iran.
Developing at a sizzling rate with a lot of potential but as yet still not free or open.

Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia.
She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.

Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan.
Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.

Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain.
Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.

Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina.
She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq.
She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction may now be necessary.

Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada.
Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.

Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia.
With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future.

After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan.
Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

The Ages of a Man:

Between the ages of 15 - 70 a man is like Germany.
A strange landscape, but filled with beer and thoughts of sex.

A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.

"From now on when I say BELL 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say BELL 2, I want you to jump in bed. And when I say BELL 3, we are going to make love all night."

The next night he came home from work and yelled, "BELL 1!" The wife promptly took all her clothes off. When he yelled "BELL 2!", the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled "BELL 3!", they began making love. After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL 4!"

"What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband?

"ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she replied, "YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE!"

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back..."

"Where are you going, coochy cooh...?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, loolie loolie...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses..."

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 15 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in a blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

"But sweet honey...at the bar...you know...there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, cutie pie?...

LISTEN, @#$%HEAD! DRINK YOUR &*$@#?! BEER IN YOUR @#$%&&*+@ FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR %$?"(<&%#@ SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT, <"*&%?$#@>?!!"

Things Elian Learned While in America


In America, nobody works!

Many of the fast food places here are just like McCastro's at home.

Gloria Estefan's political views are ignored *everywhere*.

Watch enough Jerry Springer, and living in an impoverished, authoritarian regime suddenly seems like paradise.

When the Anglo lady newscaster leans over, you can see all the way to Havana.

Ay carumba, Senorita Spears! Que implantados buenos!

Those pathetic Dominican candy cigars suck!

Except for the beard, Janet Reno is a dead ringer for Fidel Castro.

America has 3 kinds of TV shows: Cartoons, "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire", and "Look, There's Me Again!"

Even in a democracy known for its abundance, diet soda still blows.

If you read the script for the cameras, you get a cookie!

Camel Filters... Mmmm...

Cuba's covert "Operation Starbucks" is in full swing and is ready for the mind-controlling radio waves from the motherland.

Communists, Capitalists -- they're *all* a bunch of freaks!

... and THE # 1 Thing Elian Learned While in America ...

Long lines to buy things, oppressive crowds, huge rats running around, lousy food... Disney World sucks!

An old maid was held up in a dark alley. She explained
she had no money, but the robber insisted that it must
be in her bra and started feeling around.

"I told you I haven't got any money," the spinster said,
"but if you keep doing that, I'll write you a check."



A football coach walked into the locker room before
a game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm
not supposed to let you play since you failed math,
but we need you in there. So, what I have to do is
ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you
can play."

The player agreed, so coach looked into his eyes
intently and asked, "Okay, now concentrate hard and
tell me the answer to this. What is two plus two?"

The player thought for a moment and then answered, "4?"

"Did you say 4?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he
had got it right.

Suddenly all the other players on the team began screaming...,
"Come on coach, give him another chance!"

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.

The woman is kind of surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and is quite impressed by his sensitive side.

She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love.

After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"

The man says, "You can have any prize from the bottom shelf."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan
when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the
same ship that harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the
female: "Let's both swim under the ship and blow out our air holes at
the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink.

This they tried and, sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.

Soon however, the whales realized the sailors were swimming to the
safety of the shore. Enraged, the male whale told the female, "Let's
swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore. At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him.

"Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely
refuse to swallow the seamen"

A woman answered her front door and found two little boys holding a list.

"Lady," one of them explained, "we're on a scavenger hunt, and we still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper to earn a dollar."

"Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging hunt?"

"Our baby-sitter's boyfriend."




Three Little Pigs Dinner
=======================

Three little piggies went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their orders for drinks. "I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggie. "I would like a glass of Coke," said the second little piggie. "I want lots and lots of water," said the third little piggie.

The drinks were brought out and a little later, the waiter took their orders for dinner. "I want a nice big steak," said the first piggie. "I would like the salad plate," said the second piggie. "I want lots and lots of water," said the third little piggie.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert. "I want a banana split," said the first piggie. "I want a root beer float," said the second piggie. "I want lots and lots of water!" exclaimed the third little piggie.

"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter, "but why have you only ordered water?" "Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!'" replied the third little piggie.

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