Thread: Cafe' La Rouge Comedy Club

HER SIDE OF THE STORY

He was in an odd mood Sunday evening. We planned to meet at a bar for a drink. I spent the afternoon shopping with the girls, and I thought it might have been my fault because I was a bit later than I promised, but he didn't say anything much about it. The conversation was very slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. We went to a nice restaurant and he was still acting a bit funny. I tried to cheer him up and started to wonder whether it was me or something else. I asked him, and he just said ,"no". But I wasn't really sure. So anyway, in the car on the way back home, I said that I loved him deeply and he just put his arm around me. I didn't know what the hell that meant because he didn't say it back or anything. We finally got back home and by now I was wondering if he was going to leave me! So, I tried again to get h! im to talk, but he just switched on the TV. Reluctantly, I said I was going to bed. Then after about ten minutes, he joined me and to my surprise, we made love. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards, I just wanted to confront him, but instead cried myself to sleep. I just don't know what to do anymore. I mean, I think he is seeing someone else!

HIS STORY

The Lions lost again. Got laid though.

Since Jolie wanted to pick on men instead of blondes, I thought I would pick on the blondes!! Jolie, I hope that you feel better from getting that wisdom tooth pulled!!!

She was so Blonde that she:
1. Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight.
2. Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.
3. Can't work in a pharmacy because the bottles won't fit into the
typewriter.
4. Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said "2 to 4 years".
5. Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out.
6. Couldn't call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone button.
7. When asked what the capital of California was, she answered "C."
8. Burnt her nose bobbing for French Fries.
9. Baked a turkey for 5 days because the instructions said 1 hour per
pound and she weighed 125.
10. Can't make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water won't fit into those
little packets.
11. Hates M&Ms because they are so hard to peel.
12. Got hurt while raking leaves; fell out of the tree.
13. Changes the baby's diaper only once a month because the label said "good up to 20 pounds."
14. After losing in a breaststroke swimming competition, complained
that the other swimmers were using their arms.
15. Took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
16. Sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
17. Thought a quarterback was a refund.
18. Tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
19. Thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
20. Thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.
21. Thought General Motors was in the army.
22. Thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
23. Thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.
24. Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On
Phonics."
25. Tripped over a cordless phone.
26. Spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said
"concentrate."
27. Told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
28. At the bottom of the application where it says "sign here," she put "Sagittarius."
29. Asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
30. studied for a blood test.
31. Thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train."
32. Sold the car for gas money!
33. When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
34. When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport
Left," she turned around and went home.
35. When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she
moved.
36. Thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
37. If she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
38. Thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
39. Had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This
Goes In Front."

Since I am from MI. I had to put this on in there!! Sorry to all you Michigander's out there!! LOL!!

If you're from Michigan chances are...
- You've never met any celebrities.
- "Vacation" means going to Cedar Point.
- You measure distance in minutes.
- You know several people who have hit a deer.
- Your school classes were canceled because of snow.
- You've ridden the school bus for an hour each way.
- You've had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
-You end your sentences with an unnecessary preposition. Example:
"Where's my coat at?" or "If you go I wanna go with."
- All the festivals across the state are named after fruit, vegetable, grain, or animal.
- You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both
unlocked.
- You carry jumper cables in your car.
- You know more about wind chill factors and lake effect snow than you'd like to.
- You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
- Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
- You think everyone from other cities have accents.
- You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightie.
- You think that deer season is a national holiday.
- You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
- You know all 4 seasons: Almost winter, winter, Hotter than Hell, and Construction.
- There is a McDonalds in every town with a population of 1000 or more.
- You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your friends from Michigan.

HUGS TO ALL!!

THANKS EVERYONE FOR THE MORNING JOKES

Thanks 'Dan ! I'm feeling much better now !

An Army grunt stands in the rain with a 35-pound pack on his back, 15 lb. weapon in hand, after having marched 12 miles, and says, "This is sh!t!"

An Army Airborne Ranger stands in the rain with a 45 lb. pack on his back, weapon in hand, after having jumped from an airplane and marched 18 miles, and says with a smile, "This is good sh!t!"

A Navy SEAL lies in the mud, 55 LB pack on his back, weapon in hand, after swimming 10 miles to shore, crawling through a swamp and marching 25 miles at night past the enemy positions, says with a grin,
"This really is great sh!t."

A Marine, up to his nose in the stinking, bug infested mud of a swamp with a 65 LB pack on his back and a weapon in both hands after jumping from an aircraft at high altitude, into the ocean, swimming 12 miles to the shore, killing several alligators to enter the swamp, then crawling 30 miles through the brush to assault an enemy camp, says, "I love this sh!t."

The Air Force NCO sits in an easy chair in an air-conditioned office, and says, "My e-mail's out? What kind of sh!t is this?"

lovingly sent to me by one of my friends who is (of course), a Marine.

A car is driving down the road. It contains an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer. After travelling a few miles without incident, the car loses its momentum and rolls to a silent stop. Sensing some kind of problem, the electrical engineer announces: "I think there's a problem with the wiring. I'm going to take the dashboard off and check the connections under the bonnet."

"I disagree" replies the chemical engineer, "I think there's a chemical imbalance in the petrol. Let me take a sample of the petrol and I'll do some tests on it and see if the problem lies there."

"I have an even better idea" suggests the Microsoft engineer. "Let's close the windows, get out, get back in again, re-open the windows and then see if it runs!"

After being laid off from five different jobs in four months my Uncle Joe was hired by a warehouse. But one day he lost control of a forklift and drove it off the loading dock. Surveying the damage, the owner shook his head and said he'd have to withhold 10 percent of Uncle Joe's wages to pay for the repairs. "How much will it cost?" asked my uncle.

"About $4,500." said the owner.

"What a relief!" exclaimed Uncle Joe. "I've finally got job security!"



During a recent vacation in Las Vegas, a man went to see
a popular magic show. After one especially amazing feat, the man from the back of the theatre yelled, "How'd you do that?"

"I could tell you, sir", the magician answered, "But then I'd have to kill you."

After a short pause, the man yelled back, "Ok, then. Just tell my wife!"

Post away ! Hasn't anyone one noticed me "kidnapping" from other threads ??? It gets *sooo* lonely all by myself ...
Cute joke !

Andy Rooney-isms:

On Ads In Bills:
Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills now? Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there with them.
I have a plan to get back at them. I am going toput garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels ... I would write, "Could you throw this away for me? Thank You."

On Fabric Softener:
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me: (sniff) "Married" (walk off). That's how they mark their territory. You can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.

On Cripes:
My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like "Cripes". "For Cripes sake." Who would that be, Jesus Cripes? The son of Gosh of the church of Holy Moly?
I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in Heck?

Signs Your Presidential Candidate Is Under-Qualified


Resolves to improve foreign relations with Hawaii.

Runs a series of attack ads against Martin Sheen's character on "The West Wing."

His number one choice to work on his cabinet ?
"That Bob Vila guy."

Doesn't seem to understand that having been "held prisoner" in county lockup for two days for public urination does *not* make him a war hero.

Occasionally stops campaign speeches to ask, "Hey! Who's frying balogna in here?"

Supports NRA, because "'Straight Outta Compton' was dope!"

Outstanding record as governor of Rhode Island nullified by the fact that no one really cares.

Got his degree in Political Economics by bribing Sally Struthers with a chocolate donut.

Still asks "The state or the DC thingie?" anytime somebody mentions Washington.

At the debates, answers every question with a snarled, "You wanna wrestle?!?"

Attempts to use a lifeline on the very first question of the debate.

Vows to put an end to the war in Pokemon and free the Pikachu refugees once and for all.

Says the Pledge of Allegiance as quickly as possible, then shouts, "I win!"

..... and THE Number 1 Sign Your Presidential Candidate Is Under Qualified ...

At press conferences, only calls on "the hot chick in the red dress" and "the whiny Jew in the back."