Thread: Cafe' La Rouge Comedy Club

A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry, but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom. It was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one - holding onto their "wee wees" to direct the flow away from their clothes. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher
said, "You must be in the 5th."

"No, ma'am," he replied, "I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the 4th, but thanks for the lift."

I once had a cross-eyed teacher who couldn't control her pupils.

Originally posted by jaybird
I once had a cross-eyed teacher who couldn't control her pupils.

GROAN

1. When you run away in the middle of a perfectly good leg humping.

2. Blaming your flatulence on me ... not funny ... not funny at all.

3. Yelling at me for barking ... I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG, YOU IDIOT!

4. How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn't all over everything while you're gone. (Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little like cat butt?)

5. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?

6. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose ... just stop it.

7. Yelling at me for rubbing my butt on your carpet. Why'd you buy carpet?

8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.

9. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.

10. Dog sweaters. Have you noticed the fur?

11. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.

12. When you pick up the "piles" in the yard. Do you realize how far behind schedule that puts me?

13. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip," then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back.

14. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain.

15. Invisible fences. Why do you insist on messing with us?

Most people assume WWJD is for "What would Jesus do?" But the initials really stand for "What would Jesus drive?"

One theory is that Jesus would tool around in an old Plymouth because the Bible says God "drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in a Fury."

But in Psalm 83, the Almighty clearly owns a Pontiac and a Geo. The passage urges the Lord to "pursue your enemies with your Tempest and terrify them with your Storm."

Perhaps God favors Dodge pickup trucks, because Moses' followers are warned not to go up a mountain "until the Ram's horn sounds a long blast."

Some scholars insist that Jesus drove a Honda but didn't like to talk about it. As proof, they cite a verse in St. John's gospel where Christ tells the crowd, "For I did not speak of my own Accord ..."

Meanwhile, Moses rode an old British motorcycle, as evidenced by a Bible passage declaring that "the roar of Moses' Triumph is heard in the hills."

Joshua drove a Triumph sports car with a hole in its muffler: "Joshua's Triumph was heard throughout the land."

And, following the Master's lead, the Apostles car pooled in a Honda... "The Apostles were in one Accord."

These merged book synopses ought to include other artistic disciplines. For example: Portrait of the Artist Formerly Known as Prince as a Young Man might be an experimental coming-of-age story about Stephen Dedalus, whose explicit fantasies about sleeping with men and women at the same time threaten to drive him insane.

"Green Eggs and Hamlet" Would you kill him in his bed? Thrust a dagger through his head? I would not, could not, kill the King. I could not do that evil thing. I would not wed this girl, you see. Now get her to a nunnery.


"Machiavelli's The Little Prince" Antoine de Saint-Exupery's classic children's tale as presented by Machiavelli. The whimsy of human nature is embodied in many delightful and intriguing characters, all of whom are executed.


"Where's Walden?" Alas, the challenge of locating Henry David Thoreau in each richly-detailed drawing loses its appeal when it quickly becomes clear that he is always in the woods.


"Catch-22 in the Rye" Holden learns that if you're insane, you'll probably flunk out of prep school, but if you're flunking out of prep school, you're probably not insane.


"2001: A Space Iliad" The Hal 9000 computer wages an insane 10-year war against the Greeks after falling victim to the Y2K bug.


The Maltese Faulkner" Is the black bird a tortured symbol of Sam's struggles with race and family? Does it signify his decay of soul along with the soul of the Old South? Is it merely a crow, mocking his attempts to understand? Or is it worth a cool mil?


"Jane Eyre Jordan" Plucky English orphan girl survives hardships to lead the Chicago Bulls to the NBA championship.


"The Invisible Man of La Mancha" Don Quixote discovers a mysterious elixir which renders him invisible. He proceeds to go on a mad rampage of corruption and terror, attacking innocent people in the streets and all the while singing "To fight the Invisible Man!" until he is finally stopped by a windmill.


"The Scarlet Pimpernel Letter" An 18th-century English nobleman leads a double life, freeing comely young adulteresses from the prisons of post-Revolution France.



"Singing in the Black Rain" A gang of vicious Japanese druglords beat the daylights out of Gene Kelly.


"Paradise Lost in Space" Satan, Moloch, and Belial are sentenced to spend eternity in a flying saucer with a goofy robot, an evil scientist, and 2 annoying children.


"Planet of the Grapes of Wrath" Astronaut lands on mysterious planet, only to discover that it is his very own home planet of Earth, which has been taken over by the Joads, a race of dirt-poor corn farmers who miraculously developed rudimentary technology and evolved the ability to speak after exposure to nuclear radiation.


"The Exorstentialist" Camus psychological thriller about a priest who casts out a demon by convincing it that there's really no purpose to what it's doing.

Michigan was the 16th state to legalize hunting for the blind. All that they need is someone with good vision, 18 or older to accompany them.

A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

The "save" icon on Microsoft Word shows a floppy disk, with the shutter on backwards.

The combination "ough" can be pronounced in nine different ways. The following sentence contains them all: "A rough-coated, dough-faced, thoughtful ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough; after falling into a slough, he coughed and hiccoughed."

The verb "cleave" is the only English word with two synonyms which are antonyms of each other: adhere and separate.

The only 15-letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is "uncopyrightable."

Facetious and abstemious contain all the vowels in the correct order, as does arsenious, meaning "containing arsenic."

Emus and kangaroos cannot walk backwards, and are on the Australian coat of arms for that reason.

Cats have more than 100 vocal sounds, while dogs only have about 10.

The word "checkmate" in chess comes from the Persian phrase "shah mat," which means, "The king is dead."

Pinocchio is Italian for "pine head."

Camel's milk does not curdle.

An animal epidemic is called an epizootic.

Murphy's Oil Soap is the chemical most commonly used to clean elephants.

The United States has never lost a war in which mules were used.

Blueberry Jelly Bellies were created especially for Ronald Reagan.

All porcupines float in water.

"Hang On Sloopy" is the official rock song of Ohio.

Did you know that there are coffee-flavored PEZ?

If you bring a raccoon's head to the Henniker, N.H., town hall, you are entitled to receive $.10 from the town.

The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.

Non-dairy creamer is flammable.

The airplane Buddy Holly died in was the "American Pie." (Thus the name of the Don McLean song.)

Texas is the only state that is allowed to fly its state flag at the same height as the U.S. flag.

The only nation whose name begins with an "A," but doesn't end in an "A" is Afghanistan. [ed. note: Umm, Azerbaijan?]

Pamela Anderson Lee is Canada's Centennial Baby, being the first baby born on the centennial anniversary of Canada's independence.

When opossums are playing 'possum, they are not "playing." They actually pass out from sheer terror.

The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building. Same thing with the library at the University of Massachusetts.

In Cleveland, Ohio, it's illegal to catch mice without a hunting license.

Dr. Seuss coined the word "nerd" in his 1950 book "If I Ran the Zoo"

It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a year's supply of footballs.

Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.

There are an average of 178 sesame seeds on a McDonald's Big Mac bun.

The world's termites outweigh the world's humans 10 to 1.

Pound for pound, hamburgers cost more than new cars.

The 3 most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.

When Heinz ketchup leaves the bottle, it travels at a rate of 25 miles per year.

It's possible to lead a cow upstairs but not downstairs.

The Bible has been translated into Klingon.

Humans are the only primates that don't have pigment in the palms of their hands.

Ten percent of the Russian government's income comes from the sale of vodka.

Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived immigrants.

On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year.

In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all the world's nuclear weapons combined.

Reno, Nevada is west of Los Angeles, California.

Average lifespan of a major league baseball: 5 pitches.

Average age of top GM executives in 1994: 49.8 years. Average age of the Rolling Stones: 50.6.

Elephants can't jump. Every other mammal can.

The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.

Five Jell-O flavors that flopped: celery, coffee, cola, apple, and chocolate.

According to one study, 24 percent of lawns have some sort of lawn ornament in their yard.

Internationally, "Baywatch" was the most popular TV show in history.

A young college student had stayed up all night
studying for his zoology test the next day. As
he entered the classroom, he saw ten stands with
ten legs on them. Each bird had a sack over its
head; only the legs were showing.

He sat straight in the front row because he wanted
to do the best job possible. The professor announced
that the test would be to look at each of the birds'
legs and give the common name, habitat, genus and species.

The student looked at each of the birds' legs. They
all looked the same to him. He began to get upset.
He had stayed up all night studying and now had to
identify birds by their legs. The more he thought
about it the madder he got.

Finally he could stand it no longer. He went up to
the professor's desk and said, "What a stupid test!
How could anyone tell the difference between birds
by looking at their legs?" With that the student
threw his test on the professor's desk and walked
to the door.

The professor was surprised. The class was so big
that he didn't know every student's name so as the
student reached the door the professor called,
"Mister, what's your name?"

The enraged student pulled up his pant legs and
said, "You tell me buddy! You tell me!"



The young lady said to Grandpa, "I noticed that
when you sneeze, you've learned to put your hand
in front of your mouth."

"Of course," explained Grandpa. "How else can
I catch my teeth???"



Stan married a gorgeous girl.
She had an identical
twin. Less then a year later he was
in court filing for a divorce.

"Tell the court why you want a
divorce," the judge said.

"Well, Your Honor," Stan started, "every
once in a while my sister-in-law would come
over for a visit, and because she and my wife
are identical, sometimes I'd end up making
love to her by mistake."

"Surely there must be some difference
between the two women," the judge said.

"Exactly, Your Honor.
That's why I want the divorce!"

Words Not Yet in the Dictionary:

ACCORDIONATED (ah kor' de on ay tid) adj. Being able to drive and refold a road map at the same time.

AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.

AQUALIBRIUM (ak wa lib' re um) n. The point where the stream of drinking fountain water is at its perfect height, thus relieving the drinker from (a) having to suck the nozzle, or (b) squirting himself in the eye.

BURGACIDE (burg' uh side) n. When a hamburger can't take any more torture and hurls itself through the grill into the coals.

BUZZACKS (buz' aks) n. People in phone marts who walk around picking up display phones and listening for dial tones even when they know the phones are not connected.

CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

DIMP (dimp) n. A person who insults you in a cheap department store by asking, "Do you work here?"

DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, somehow assuming this will `remove' all the germs.

ECNALUBMA (ek na lub' ma) n. A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in the rearview mirror.

EIFFELITES (eye' ful eyetz) n. Gangly people sitting in front of you at the movies who, no matter what direction you lean in, follow suit.

ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

ELECELLERATION (el a cel er ay' shun) n. The mistaken notion that the more you press an elevator button the faster it will arrive.

FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.

NEONPHANCY (ne on' fan see) n. A fluorescent light bulb struggling to come to life.

PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.

PETONIC (peh ton' ik) adj. One who is embarrassed to undress in front of a household pet.

PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

PUPKUS (pup' kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

Let me know what you think!


1. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining.

2. If you don't dress like Victoria's Secret models, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

3. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us anymore, we refuse to answer.

4. Sometimes we're not thinking of you. Live with it. And don't ask us what we ARE thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such things as belly button lint or monster trucks.

5. Sunday equals sports. It's like the full moon rising, there's nothing you can do about it. And, shopping is not a sport, has never been a sport, and will never be a sport.

6. And when we are going out, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really! Just fine! The first thing you put on. Truly. Now, let's get going.

7. Crying is blackmail!

8. You have enough clothes.
You have too many shoes.
Most guys own just 3 pairs of shoes. Why do you think we'd be choosing which of your 30 pairs goes with that dress ?

9. We don't know what day it is and never will. Write down all birthdays, anniversaries and other special occasions in bright red on the calendar. Post it on the fridge.

10. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do, solve problems.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

11. Check your own damn oil!

12. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument and all comments become null and void after 7 days.

13. If something we said can be interpreted 2 ways,and one of the ways makes you feel sad or angry, we meant the other one.

14. When it itches, it will be scratched. Live with it!

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