Thread: Caring for a sick Mom

I have mentioned senior living but she has it in her head that it is the same as a nursing home. Maybe I should take her to see a few. My brother brought her back the saturday before their concert. She hated it there. She could do nothing and they only took her out for appointments. Then she said they turned the volume up on the tv for her to hear 4 shows a day, perry Mason, Price is Right, Wheel of Fortune and another show, then they turned the volume down below her ability to hear. So she sat all day long and was in bed by 8 pm. My brother called her yesterday and she asked if she could move in with him on a more permanent basis and he said No. He does not have the room. The room she used was for his wifes 32 year old son. Then blamed her for their $600 cell phone bill. Your wife had to dial the phone for her so how is it her fault. She is boo hooing because her kids dont want her. I feel bad for her but it is her own doing. Yesterday while we were out I got some burger king and bought her a whopper. She said she'd have some left over sausage for lunch, I got her a whopper anyway. I forgot that she said we force her to eat when and stuff ahe doesn't want. I gave her the whopper then went upstairs. If she eats it or not is up to her. She was also caught lying again and saying that she is sweet and hubby is not. I heard his side, then her side and said somewhere inbetween is the truth. A few hours later I mentioned it to my son and asked if he had heard anything. To my surprise, he heard it all from begining to end. He was in the bathroom downstairs trimming his beard when my mother went ballistic on my hubby because my wok pot was in with her pots. (Pots that have not been used in 5+ years) She went on about her stuff and it just repeats itself every few months. I told hubby to take all my stuff and put it upstairs. She can have it all, I am done. Now she is crying because I am never downstairs with her. Why would I want to be with someone who lies and tries to put a wedge between me and my hubby and family. I also told her that now it is all her stuff downstairs she can clean it too. No more maid service. I told her we are looking for a place to move. That after we move and my and my family get reaquainted and comfy in our new place she is welcoome but she must sell her stuff and keep just what is needed and has value to her. No basement, garage and shed full of boxes of her stuff. She will be like any other family member and have her own room or part of the basement like related living. She complained of stairs and I said she could put in a chair lift. I told her we could sell the house and she could stash her half of the money. She will not have to pay for room and utilities but she'd be responsible for her own toiletries and treats and should kick in for food. I just dont know what else to do.

Thanks for letting me vent.

me

Today she started her last round of chemo. It was the longest 6 hours ever. The other 5 rounds seemed so much easier and worthwhile before I found out about all the stuff she has said. I guess I am hurt more than I realized about her exit and return and the way she speaks to us and about us. My heart just isn't in it like it was. It made me feel good to help and assist and keep her positive and upbeat even though she is naturally a negative personality. Now it just seems meaningless and stupid. I need to take her to get treated so her life is extended meaning she has more time to make my life and my familys life miserable. It just doesn't make sense.

Me

I finally came to the conclusion that control of some sort was why my stepmom's mom acted as she did. If she was insulting, complaining, or just being rude, then she was doing something. She couldn't do much of anything physically. My stepmom did spend a lot of time with her, so it wasn't just being lonely. However, I think she was lonely in a companion sense. IF we could have really talked to her and she would have thoughtfully responded then maybe things would have been easier.
That was never the case with her. My stepmom told me that she wasn't sure she would miss her (felt bad for saying it), but it turns out that she does. The job of taking care of someone and that person hating that they have to be taken care of makes for resentment at times I think. It's a really hard job. You are doing a good job with her. Telling her that what you provide her to eat is what she gets is a good thing. I know you are giving her good food. My stepmom didn't do that. She'd run wherever or make whatever she wanted and that was a mistake. She took advantage of her kindness. Be firm, but try to be kind. That's about all I can tell you. I know it's hard as hell sometimes.
(((hugs)))
Oh, my stepgrandma wouldn't go to bed at night. It would take forever to get her in the bed. She couldn't get her legs in herself. Anyway, she'd say she would die each night if she laid down and she would definitely die in a nursing home. It went on and on....
I feel for you. I do hope that maybe she will see what she's doing and come up with someway to compromise.

Originally Posted by cathych

If she is getting chemo, she needs to be in a place with nursing care. period. It sounds to me like she could be depressed.

One of my Grandmothers just passed away in December (lost the other Jan 1) and she had 4 rounds of chemo and lived in her home until the last 3 days of her life. So I see no reason she should be in a place with constant nursing care unless no one is able to assist her with her day to day things. One of my uncles (who is retired) moved in with her and her DH (he is very old & frail also) to help them with errands and just daily stuff.

As for OP if you are resenting her that much I would suggest that she move into an assisted living center or back with your brother. There is no reason you should have to put up with this abuse.

My brother already said she cannot stay there. A month was enough for them. I dont mind helping her, chauffering her or whatever she needs, it is just that she then says things that are not true and that makes us look bad. She has done very well during her treatments but we will not know if they worked for another 4 weeks.

Does this really matter? Hell yes it matters. Because she could say something to the wrong person and then I, hubby and kids will have to prove otherwise, hire lawyers etc. That is why I have asked her doctors to chart everything so we can prove otherwise. She is getting a touch of alzheimers so it will be more difficult now.

Me

We are all dying from the moment of birth.