Thread: My heart is aching so bad

My heart is aching so bad for my son. My son is 22 and about 9 months ago he came to me and told me was gay. I told him I loved him more today than I did yesterday. I said " just because your gay it doesn't change the way I love you". I'll try to make this short. Me, hubby and my son moved in with my mom about 4 years ago because she needed someone here to help take care of her. I was the only one that didn't own my own home so it was easier for us to pick up and move in with mom. Everything has been fine until my son came out and told everyone he was gay. I have one older sister and an older brother and one younger brother. My sister and youngest brother told my son it didn't matter they loved him just the way he is. My oldest brother is a whole different story. He came to see mom for holidays and to pop in when he needed something (all his visits were not good ones) anyway, since my son came out he has not been here to see mom. He called my mom and said as long as a gay was living in her house he would not come anywhere near it. His daughter had my mom's first great grandchild and she refuses to come by also. My mom has not seen my nieces daughter in over 7 months. My sisters daughter is a hairdresser and me and my son were in her shop and my brothers daughter came in when we were there and she would not let her 2 yr old daughter down because she didn't want her to go to my son. I feel so bad for my son, he says it doesn't bother him but I know it does. My brother said my son made a choice to be gay and he could undo his choice. I had a long talk with my son and he told me if he had a choice to be straight he would be that way in a minute. I'm so heartbroke over this. My mom says that if her son doesn't accept her grandson the way he is she prefers him not to come around. My mom just had renal failure and I have to be here to take care of her, in fact, my son is the one that does her dialysis every night. I can't just pick up and move, but I feel so bad about everything. I know my mom loves my brother and she would love to see her great granddaughter so I don't know what to do. I've made myself sick over this. My sister and younger brother said that I need to just ignore my older brother and go on with life because my mom loves having us here and she needs us. My mom is so mad at my brother she said she is going to her lawyer and having her will changed so that she only leaves him $1. The relationship between my older brother and the rest of us in the family has never been a walk in the park. Everyone tells me the same thing, "at least when your brother is not here he's not able to stir up a bunch of crap" I know they are right, but he is still my moms son. I'm sorry this is so long but I'm just so confused at what to do. What would any of you all do in my situation? Please if anyone has anything negative to say about gays please don't post, I can't take anymore negativity about this. Thanks!

Sounds to me that you're already doing the right thing for your mom. Bottom line is that she needs all of you (you, hubby, son) and you are there for her! I would really hope that if your mother does change her will it won't be quite so drastic...for yours and your brothers' sakes in the future.

For whatever reason, some people cannot and will not ever accept anyone being gay. That's a fact of life. From what I can see, y'all aren't 'doing' anything to anyone but living your lives the best you know how. There is nothing that will change your brother's mind except time, understanding and maturity and only he is involved in that.

The Serenity prayer is a definite fit in this situation:

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
Courage to change the things I can
And wisdom to know the difference"

All you can do is pray for your brother and the situation, live your life the best way you know how and love your family. You are not responsible for others' prejudices.

First, I don't think your Mom should change her will. Your homophobic brother is still her son and by her cutting him out will only cause more hurt and hard feelings. That would cause a permanent riff between him and his other siblings and his children and the rest of the family.

If he wants to be a jerk and not accept your son and cut off his nose by not seeing his mother....that is his choice and he will live with that. I think your best bet is to ignore him....if he stays away, that is his choice and his loss.

Unfortunately, your son will have to deal with a lot of jerks in his life time....we all will. We cannot not shield him from these idiots, so it's best for him to learn and understand that they are idiots and how to cope with them for himself. We all have our burdens. The best thing for you to do is just to be there for your son and be supportive of his healthy decisions.

BTW Kudos to grandma for supporting your son. Seems he has a lot of love in his family....don't let the homo-phobe brother upset you....pray that he may one day find love in his heart, to replace the hate that is there now. It's your brother's (and his children's) loss all around. You cannot change other people.

Thank you, the Serenity prayer does fit. I hope and pray that my brother does come around, but he's been a rasist all his life. I don't know where he got it from because no one else in my family is like that. My dad used to always say they found him on the doorstep, lol! I think my mom said what she said in a mad haste. Sometimes people say things they really don't mean and I hope this was one of those times for my mom. All I can really do is pray for my brother.

just remember you cant change others you can only educate them and hope for the best ,

you cant chose to be gay or straight , its in your genitic makeup. genes that kick in before you were born chose what your body will crave , whether its gay or straight , your choice is what you have to live by. you have to be yourself or your life will be miserable , and face it . thats what makes this such a crappy world , people not happy with their ownselves because of what society tells us we should be. and all the hate and doctrines that teach hate of self cant make us happy , so be glad he trusted you enough to come clean , love him support him and be happy for him. you only have him for a lifespan of time , your mother knows this , and most of your family know this and are ok with it so to hell with your brothers views , if he cant see past his own problems , and accept your son , so be it , dont make waves just ignor him , tell your mom hes still her son and not to just cut him so harshly , but to let him know how she feels is what is important and if her wishes are not important to him she is still his mother but she is queen in her own home . and its not his problem, as to the grand kids , i d tell her to get a lawyer and seek her rights to see them. lol then use his share of the inherantance to pay for it , and to tell him thats where his share is going .
and maybe he ll come arround and let her see them.
hope things get better for you in this situation so just stand tall and keep the faith as they say, and kudos to you , your child is the most important thing
so love him and your family and just keep on with your life.
hugs to your boy , from me , lost my baby when he was 21 and believe me he could be the most gayest person in the world and i wouldnt care as long as i could put my arms around him and hear him say i love you mom. but hes with the angels now and i ll see him someday soon.........

Your son can not choose to be gay or be straight. However, your brother CAN choose to be an ahole or not. I would ignore him and avoid him as much as possible. The rest of your family sounds awesome. Hugs to you and your son as I'm sure he will unfortunately encounter this type of reaction again.

I am really proud that he has the courage to BE who HE is! I know what he is dealing with from some of your family is difficult and sad. But it would be terrible if he tried to be someone else and live his life differently just to please someone else, or to do the "right" (or accepted) thing. I wish him much happiness and I am sorry that he has to deal with ignorant people!