Thread: Need some suggestions about son's looser father..

Ok so this has got my feathers ruffled and I can’t sleep and need an opinion or two or three haha

Here is a little background before I say why my feathers are ruffled. My son’s dad is a looser IMO and my son now 13 ½ is starting to see what I see about his dad. (and no I don’t bad mouth his dad in front of my son) His dad never calls him, never offers to take him on the weekends, I can count how many times on one hand he has came to my son’s baseball games in the past 5 now going on 6 seasons my son has played. Birthdays and Holidays come and go without phone calls from not only his father but Grandparents, aunts and uncles on that side. He also doesn’t get invited to Birthday parties for nieces and nephews on that side either. When he does get gifts from his Grandparents it is always Itunes GC’s since they have no clue what my son is like or is interested in. My son even calls his grandparents on his fathers side both by their first names only. He knows my parents as Grandma & Grandpa & is super close to my dad.

His family basically has shunned me from the get go after finding out my racial background is Black/White. (They thought I was Hispanic) They have also pretty much had nothing to do with my son as well since he is obviously of a darker skin, eye and hair color than the rest of the family. My son has only been in 2 family portraits on their side.

So my son’s father is on his third marriage to an ok woman that has 2 children by 2 different fathers that are both out of the picture. The oldest son which is my son’s age lives with her parents and the daughter that is 6 lives with my son’s father and her mom. My son’s father purchased a home a few years ago that only had 2 bedrooms one for them and one for the daughter. (Me personally I think they should have got a 3 bedroom home so the 2 boys when they do stay could share that same room.) My son isn’t really allowed to have any clothing or personal belongings over at his dads since the daughter plays with them. My son sleeps on a roll away cot in the basement/front room. When he goes to his dad’s they do nothing with him. (No movies, outings, camping, fishing etc..) They just sit around the house all weekend pretty much. About the only time they do go do anything “fun” is when her son comes and stays with them on the weekend. Last year his dad promised to take my son camping that summer so my son called him one weekend and asked his dad if they could go and his dad told him he couldn't take him camping since the Mormon church had called him to be a scout leader and he was taking the boys in his church scout troop camping.

I can’t tell you how many times my son has cried over his dad ignoring him while he is there yet he continues to go over there and I wonder if it because he feels some type of obligation to his dad cause I have never made my son go with his dad he has always had the choice to go or not to.

His dad never comes to parent teacher meetings and don’t ever call to see how his school day was. Has asked me time and time again for the password to the online grades at my son’s school yet never checks them. He treats the little girl that isn’t even his better than his own son. She gets Easter baskets, Valentines Day gifts and spoiled at Christmas. He pays for her to do extra curricular activities and has never paid for my son’s baseball and says it’s a waste of money for my son to play a sport. He don’t help pay for school, school clothing, school supplies and I have to beg to have him help pay for things like glasses for my son.

The other day I was on the phone with him because my son asked him a few weeks ago if on Sunday they could go to Wal-Mart to get a craft or a model car that they could do together. His father is Mormon and told my son that “on the Sabbath they don’t go shopping unless it’s really important like to get mayonnaise for the next weeks lunches.” Well, I called him to see if he found anything wrong with that comment and how he just in the eyes of a 13 yr old child put mayo above him on the importance scale. His dad couldn’t understand why I had an issue with that comment/analogy…so basically again…He is a looser.

So here is my feather ruffled part as if that all wasn’t enough to ruffle feathers on a daily basics. I check my son’s facebook now and again to make sure he isn’t adding people he doesn’t know etc.. and he is friends with his fathers wife. Well, I seen a post made by her yesterday that they are taking a surprise family trip to Disneyland & how excited her little girl is. Well, I just talked to my son’s dad a few days ago and not once did he mention the trip nor has my son got a phone inviting him on any trip.

So now I’m wondering Question #1 Do I just sit back and see if his dad calls to invite him?

Or Question #2 do I call his dad and ask him about this trip and if his son is invited?

Also…Question #3 If it is his wife’s family that is paying for this trip (I don’t know who is) and taking the boy they raise for my son’s fathers wife and then also paying for my son’s father, wife and daughter to go but not paying for my son to go should I be mad and make a stink over that as well?

And Question #4 also if I did find out that it is his wife’s parents paying for the trip but say they were not paying for my son to go since its not really their “blood grandson” don’t you think that my son’s father should fork over the money and take my son too since my son is still just as much a part of the family as his dad’s now step kids?

Or Question #5 am I letting all this just piss me off and ruffle my feathers?

Your son's father is a sperm donor. Hon, as much as you might want it, you can not force him to be a father or for his family to accept him.

You are going to have to step up & be both Mom & Dad to your son. It is what it is & you can't change it.

Personally if it were me, I would not bring up the trip. Your son will be really disappointed if he were to think he was invited only to be left out.

I seen a post made by her yesterday that they are taking a surprise family trip to Disneyland & how excited her little girl is. Well, I just talked to my son’s dad a few days ago and not once did he mention the trip nor has my son got a phone inviting him on any trip.

Did your son say anything in regards to this post?
What kind of relationship do your son and 'stepmom' have?
Maybe you can send a nice message to her through facebook and ask about the trip.
If she says he's not included, then drop it and not talk about it with your son.

Shame on his father. This has nothing to do with the step mother, step grandparents, etc...it is his father.

You are in a no win situation.....it's out of your control....just hug your son and tell him that you and he will take a special vacation together when you get the chance.

just hug your son and tell him that you and he will take a special vacation together when you get the chance.

I know money is tight, but it will be the quality time you have

Originally Posted by sunniekiss

Your son's father is a sperm donor. Hon, as much as you might want it, you can not force him to be a father or for his family to accept him.

You are going to have to step up & be both Mom & Dad to your son. It is what it is & you can't change it.

Personally if it were me, I would not bring up the trip. Your son will be really disappointed if he were to think he was invited only to be left out.

Oh I know I can never make him be a dad but I sure get some enjoyment off of bugging the he!! out of him to be one haha I'm used to being mom and dad now this has gone on since my son was very small. The problem is my son still holds his dad on a high pedestal and yes the pedestal is slowing crumbling down as my son gets older & sees his relationship with his dad isn't normal.

Originally Posted by Explorer 4x4'r

Did your son say anything in regards to this post?
What kind of relationship do your son and 'stepmom' have?
Maybe you can send a nice message to her through facebook and ask about the trip.
If she says he's not included, then drop it and not talk about it with your son.

No, my son hasn't seen the trip post but he could see it very easily. His relationship with her is ok. He don't hate her like the 2nd wife he just thinks that the 3rd one cooks pretty good. haha

And no I haven't said anything to my son about the trip and I don't plan on it either since I don't want to break his heart I leave that job up to his dad.

Originally Posted by pepperpot

just hug your son and tell him that you and he will take a special vacation together when you get the chance.

I wish we could. We did go to FL in 2007 for 7 days just the 2 of us and it was great. I do with I could afford to do it again. Especially, since my son is getting older I wanna have as much time with him as I can before hangin with your mom isn't so cool anymore haha

Does he pay child support? Does he take your son during his scheduled visitation rights? Maybe he doesn't have the money for extras.

Are you possitive he is going to Disney too? It could just be a trip for the new wife and her kid with her family. Is her other child going? There are a lot of factors you are not mentioning.

Does the new wife work? If yes, why do you think your ex is paying for the kids extra curricular activities?

Originally Posted by Quaker_Parrots

Does he pay child support? Does he take your son during his scheduled visitation rights? Maybe he doesn't have the money for extras.

Are you positive he is going to Disney too? It could just be a trip for the new wife and her kid with her family. Is her other child going? There are a lot of factors you are not mentioning.

Does the new wife work? If yes, why do you think your ex is paying for the kids extra curricular activities?

Yes he has started to pay me. Technically he is only ordered to pay $24.xx per month & did so for MANY years! (That's another story) but the last few years he has been paying $200. No, he says he don't have money but then my son is always coming home telling me about new things they bought for his dads computer and they bought a $500 dog and they also filed for bankruptcy yet still buy things like $500 dogs. I know they have money he just chooses not to spend it on my son.

He doesn't have scheduled visitation he is allowed to see his son whenever he wants and whenever means almost never. I asked him to call his son 2 times per week and he don't even do that.

The wife isn't that new they have been married for over 3 years now and yes she does work. But once your married your income is pretty much one income so by my son's father supporting her daughter & paying for her to do stuff but not my son's that isn't fair. And yes, I'm sure my son's father would be going as her parents like my son's father. And I'm pretty sure the other boy would be going since her parents are raising him. I don't have many details of the vacation so that's why I'm asking if I should call his dad out on it or not.

I just want to give you a big HUG DezaRay. And your DS too! My ex was totally non existant for YRS. He even moved to another state and didnt leave a forwarding address and no way of getting ahold of him (so he could try and get away with not having to pay child support). My DS had even given up on him! Then last yr he suddenly came around. He moved back to the area and has really stepped up, even started paying the back child support he owes. I still dont trust him totally but I can see that he is trying. I just hope it lasts.

Gaw, I can NOT stand parents like your ex. It totally stinks for your son because he is starting to see his father for his true colors. In the long run, it is the ex who will lose out. There will probably come a time when your son wants nothing to do with him. BIg hugs to you and him.