Thread: Hi Usually a lurker but need to vent

Absolutely do the counseling for yourself! You'd be surprised at how strong you become and how little of the BS you will tolerate when you feel good about yourself. Do you have a job? If you are able I was going to suggest leaving him, whether you want a divorce or not. That might wake him up a little bit and maybe then he will appreciate what he has. As far as the weight thing, that is not a good feeling at all and I'm sure he knows it bothers you and that is why he does it. He wants to get you where it hurts. I hope things get better for you! I'm sure it won't be easy if he has been doing this most of your marriage. BTW, Welcome to the boards!

Counseling is an absolutely excellent idea! I would never advise you to leave your husband. That's a decision you have to come to on your own..whether to go or stay/kick HIM out/let him stay.

Whether you post here to a roomful of strangers is irrelevant. Sometimes you just have to go with what you have. Many years ago I didn't even have THAT and it's taken a long time to get where I am today. MY marriage was rocky and I've never been able to change hubby but changed what I could and that is me. We'll celebrate 36 years in July and get along fairly well...all because my attitude about ME has changed and I have my self-esteem back. Good luck!

Some of you are so quick to say get a divorce. But getting a divorce may not be so easy and is definitely not the answer for everyone. No wonder half the marriages end in divorce today. Tomorrow will be our 45th wedding anniversary and I will be the first and hubby will be the second to tell you that all those years were not easy. Sure there were times we both wanted a divorce but I guess we just never both wanted one at the same time. I am just surprised at the number of people who say the Bible is so important to them yet they take vows to love their husband forever but are the first to tell other people to get a divorce. Divorce is not the answer to everything.
Counseling may be all that it takes. Just get a little self confidence and stand up to him a time or two and don't let him take you for granted. Yes it is easier to just do what he asks, like dial a phone number but after a while you do start to resent it and him and then you get to the point you have gotten to. If talking doesn't work then go to some counseling for yourself or go to some other type class that makes you appreciate your own gifts more. We are all impotant and valuable in our own way. I don't say get a divorce. I say when you can, when you are not depressed or down, get out and do something for yourself. He will learn to feel differently about you when you feel differently about yourself. It worked for me years ago.

Go to counseling, go back to school to get an education and to be whatever you want to be, or if you have already done so and are not working then find an update program so you can tune up your skills.

Next time he tells you to make a call tell him he did not like the way you did the last one, so he should make it and don't you make the call.

Fix a diet meal, when he complains tell him it is what he is eating for supper because he feels you need to lose weight and since he expressed such concern you know he wants to participate.

Make him pay the price for his criticisms in ways he never thought of. Turn these things around on him.

I bet your hubby insists you make all of his calls, he is insecure and feels the only way he can make you stay with him is to cut you down at every turn. The only way you can change things is to change yourself and your reactions to his bullying. You can't change him, but when you react differently that will force him to react differently.

BTW if there is any chance of violence or if there has been in the past fix yourself an excape plan. Hide an extra set of your car keys outside with some gas money, phone numbers of the local women's shelter, my friend put hers in a small tupperware container and buried it under a plant in a large flower pot so that when she finally made it out of the house she had the means to run and had only to dump over the pot to get to what she needed.

She also had put copies of all her important papers in a large envelope and stuck it under the carpet in her car trunk. The point is if there is a violent situation going on you may not be allowed to walk outside with keys and money, you may be just lucky to get outside, much less have your purse. So plan ahead, these simple plans have saved lives in the past.