I need opinions

[llbriteyes]

Ok, I finally sat down and wrote my oldest daughter a letter. She had asked me what I wanted for mother's day. I asked for her acceptance of some stuff I was better writing than saying. She said ok. I need to know if I've done the right thing, and what your opinions are. I poured my whole heart into this letter. I have severe butterflies right now. Here it is (sorry its so long).

Amanda,

Please, Please, PLEASE don’t be hurt by anything I might write. I think we have both hurt enough for a lifetime. I wouldn’t risk harming our newfound relationship for anything. I know you don’t know my feelings, and it can be confusing, but I feel like now is the time for me to explain myself. And please… know that I’m talking from my heart, telling you how I feel and felt, without having known of how you feel.

First, let me tell you how very much I love and respect the woman you’ve become. I am so proud of you and all you’ve accomplished, and the woman you’ve become.

Now for the icky stuff, and I pray to God that when I’m done, you’ll know where I came from and still love me.

In 1984, when we got custody of you, it was one of the best days of my life. I was so happy God chose me to raise you. I never ever thought of you as a step-anything. I raised you as I did Randy and Amy. I loved you just as much. You were my daughter. I nursed you when you were sick. I went to all the parent teachers meetings. I was there at all your school plays and basketball. I signed all your permission slips and notes. I went to doctor’s appointments with you. You were such a wonderful part of our family. Then you started growing up. We’d watch General Hospital every day after school. We’d people watch at the mall. These are the things I remember.

Then things changed. You got a car… a boyfriend… a job. Right after you lost your job, you decided to go live with your mother. I was devastated. I mean, you expect your children to grow up and leave home as a natural part of life. The day you left, I had my first mental breakdown. Its impossible to explain to you what that means. Then came more badness. I wanted to call you so much, but it wasn’t that easy. Your mother hated me. Probably still does. And you rarely called me. That really hurt… especially on mother’s days.

When you graduated from high school, we were “invited” to your party, where I felt like no more than a guest. How can that be, I thought. I raised you most of your life. I was jealous because I wasn’t even part of it. I was simply a “guest.” And maybe subconsciously, that’s how your mother looked at it. I’m sure she didn’t want me there.

And still just an occasional phone call. Then you went into the service. I was SO proud of you. I told everyone I knew. I was truly sorry you got hurt. I got used to seeing you only once a year… at Christmas. It hut like hell and still does. My thought was that family matters, and that you just cut us out of your life. Families stay in touch. We were so close. What happened?

Then we got the call… the CALL? That you’re engaged. I thought GREAT! Finally I get to help you with the wedding plans, because we talked before about it. I thought, this is the day EVERY mother dreams of. We met PJ twice. One of them was your wedding day. The day I was SPECIFICALLY left out of. Oh, yeah… I bought the bubbles, and gave you some money. In return, I got to have a flower and sit in the front row, while your mother got to light the unity candle. This told me by its significance that I was NOT wanted or needed in your life. That is where I got all this pent up rage toward you. There was no more effective way to cut me out of your life. The candle thing COULD have been handled differently. Never in my life have I been hurt so profoundly by someone I loved so much.

The only way I could deal with it was to, after 3 years of not smoking, go back to it. That got me through the day. I almost walked out of the church that day, but Grandma wouldn’t let me. That day I decided to pretend I had only two children. And my second mental breakdown. My reasoning on the only two children thing was that you, for all these years had made it clear you didn’t want anything to do with me. You made a concerted effort to cut me out of your life. Now it was made blatantly obvious. I wasn't the only one who saw that.

So, when you would come for Christmas, I would do my best to stay away from you. I couldn’t see anything but all the hurt I’d had over all these years. It was easier to pretend you didn’t exist. That way, you could never hurt me again.

This past Christmas was different somehow. I got tired of the hurt I’d kept buried. I had hoped you would come around. When I extended my olive branch and you took it, meant more to me than I could ever express in words. I WANT to be a family again. I WANT to share in your joys AND sorrows. I WANT you to get re-acquainted with your brother and sister. They have become such incredible people.

Grandma and Grandpa still love you. They just miss you a whole lot. So do Barb, Charlene and Nick. We feel like you’ve been gone from our lives for too long. I am striving to put the past away and move forward. I think Christmas was a great first step for us. But they haven’t seen you since your wedding. They don’t know you anymore. Maybe the answer is spending more time together. Making time for the ones we love. We do stuff all the time here. The girls anyway. I guess I’m just afraid of missing out on time with you. And of you missing time seeing Grandma and Grandpa. Neither of them is well.

Ok, I think I said everything I NEEDED to. What I really mean is I miss you in my life. I love you more than you will ever know.

I didn’t say these things to hurt you. I really didn’t. I’m just tired of hurting and holding it all in, and I needed to get it all out. I know my actions have hurt you in the past. Amanda, I don’t want it to go on hurting. I want to get past this, and like I said, we’ve made the first steps.

They say you can’t pick your family. Wrong. I picked you.

I love you so much.

Mom

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[sunflowers]

Wow, That was a letter that took a lot of guts to write. I hope she appreciates it, and everything works out for you and you can mend the brokeness between you. I wish you the best of luck.

[JCshopper]

All I can say is, you obviously needed to get it out. It's up to you whether you mail it or not. You certainly didn't say anything incredibly harsh. I think you should let her know how you feel. It will be healthier for the both of you, but be open when she lets you in. There may have been things going on that she misunderstood and she may let you know about them. I wish you the best. BIG HUGS!

[ahippiechic]

That's a beautiful letter. I hope this helps to heal some of the hurt between you rwo.

[llbriteyes]

Thank you. It did take guts. I wrote it by hand first. It all took eight pages. She said she was open to hearing what I had to say, so I guess I'll find out shortly.

Linda

Wow, That was a letter that took a lot of guts to write. I hope she appreciates it, and everything works out for you and you can mend the brokeness between you. I wish you the best of luck.

[llbriteyes]

Thanks, JC. I did need to get it out. I've held it in since she was 17. She's now 25. I emailed it to her. Hopefully she'll respond soon. I'm really nervous about it.

Linda

All I can say is, you obviously needed to get it out. It's up to you whether you mail it or not. You certainly didn't say anything incredibly harsh. I think you should let her know how you feel. It will be healthier for the both of you, but be open when she lets you in. There may have been things going on that she misunderstood and she may let you know about them. I wish you the best. BIG HUGS!

[llbriteyes]

Thanks. I put a LOT of thought into it, and chose my words (I hope) carefully. I don't want this to put more distance between us.

Linda

That's a beautiful letter. I hope this helps to heal some of the hurt between you rwo.

[JCshopper]

Hoping for a speedy, happy response for you! I can't help but think, this will do wonderful things for the both of you.

[briansgirl]

Wow that was a great letter, I hope she remains true to her word about being open to hearing how you felt. Good luck and I hope this paves the way to mending what sounds like a once solid relationship.

[DIRKSWIFE4]

Im sittin here at my puter crying, that letter is beautiful. I know how you feel I have a daughter that by law is a step but in my heart shes no less mine than the 2 I gave birth to.

[llbriteyes]

It was a VERY close relationship. My kids and I were always doing things together. We didn't have a lot of money, but we found things that didn't cost much. In my mind she WAS my daughter. Hopefully she'll still want to be.

Thanks.

Linda

Wow that was a great letter, I hope she remains true to her word about being open to hearing how you felt. Good luck and I hope this paves the way to mending what sounds like a once solid relationship.