update to: hes pushing me over the edge

[mesue]

Original thread was about how I am trying to tutor my nephew who lives with my Mom and how he lies and is failing school. His Dad died in May of this year. The one thing I touched on is how the only thing he does is play games. My Mom is on a fixed income and has basic cable, she has a tv hooked up in his room for him, it does not cost extra with her cable company to do this they allow unlimited tvs. Anyway she sent the money to pay the basic cable she has by her sister and guess what he got his other grandma to take him to the cable company and he signed (he is 16, his other grandma did not sign anything, she also did not ask my Mom if this was ok) to have cable hi speed internet turned on so he could hook up a modem to his playstation and play games online. My Mom's bill went from 39.00 to 80.00. I called the cable company and I told them he was only 16 and not authorized to change her cable since it is only in her name. They said that they would not have allowed him to leave with the equipment unless he was accompanied by an adult, big deal she did not sign anything, he did, and that my Mom would have to pay the bill. I called my nephew and told him to get it unhooked, he said it was only 20.00 a month and that he was paying it out of his allowance I asked him if he had 80.00 he said no but he only owed 20.00. Now get this, he said I was being mean and maybe he should come up here and take my tv away and see how I liked that. Also he has now got my Mom convinced they made a mistake on the bill and she is even considering letting him keep it after he went behind her back and has lied over and over. I specifically asked him if he was online to play those games and he said, no. I told my Mom if it was left to me he would have no gamestation or tv and he would be working for .25 an hr. to pay me back if I had to pay any charges. I am at my wits end, someone has to be the disciplinarian in his life but my Mom is sabotaging any efforts I make by going along with anything he wants, that is one of the problems he has always gotten what he wants and thinks everything should just be handed to him. I am upset to say the least.

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[buttrfli]

girl all I can say that just reading your posts about your nephew makes me angry.

they cable co is at fault. He is 16 and can not sign any type of agreement w/o an adults signature.

I hope you get things worked out. {{{HUGS}}}

[freebielover]

Wow, I'm sorry, I can't even imagine what it must be like to deal with that. No advice, just good wishes, I hope everything works out. I can't believe he would do that, or that the company would let him do that!

[Angel Lips]

i have no advice but would like to send you some hugs. ((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))

[BBBunny]

Original thread was about how I am trying to tutor my nephew who lives with my Mom and how he lies and is failing school. His Dad died in May of this year. The one thing I touched on is how the only thing he does is play games. My Mom is on a fixed income and has basic cable, she has a tv hooked up in his room for him, it does not cost extra with her cable company to do this they allow unlimited tvs. Anyway she sent the money to pay the basic cable she has by her sister and guess what he got his other grandma to take him to the cable company and he signed (he is 16, his other grandma did not sign anything, she also did not ask my Mom if this was ok) to have cable hi speed internet turned on so he could hook up a modem to his playstation and play games online. My Mom's bill went from 39.00 to 80.00. I called the cable company and I told them he was only 16 and not authorized to change her cable since it is only in her name. They said that they would not have allowed him to leave with the equipment unless he was accompanied by an adult, big deal she did not sign anything, he did, and that my Mom would have to pay the bill. I called my nephew and told him to get it unhooked, he said it was only 20.00 a month and that he was paying it out of his allowance I asked him if he had 80.00 he said no but he only owed 20.00. Now get this, he said I was being mean and maybe he should come up here and take my tv away and see how I liked that. Also he has now got my Mom convinced they made a mistake on the bill and she is even considering letting him keep it after he went behind her back and has lied over and over. I specifically asked him if he was online to play those games and he said, no. I told my Mom if it was left to me he would have no gamestation or tv and he would be working for .25 an hr. to pay me back if I had to pay any charges. I am at my wits end, someone has to be the disciplinarian in his life but my Mom is sabotaging any efforts I make by going along with anything he wants, that is one of the problems he has always gotten what he wants and thinks everything should just be handed to him. I am upset to say the least.

After filtering out all the lies and the evidence, my take is that he is desperately lonely and is trying to connect with other people without spilling the beans on all his personal problems. I regret I didn't take the time to find out where his Mom fits in this equation, but I do know that for kids this age, when they lose a parent, their whole world is turned upsidedown. I'm sure he is embarrassed/ashamed/mortified that his attempt to connect with his peers ended in charges that resulted in what he would consider the 3rd degree. Rather than giving him a financial breakdown on his unapproved charges, find out what kind of counseling/ peer support can help with his major loss.

[queenangie]

Sounds like this young man needs some counseling.
Don't they have counseling at school or
can't he go to the doctor for help?

Teenagers, by and large, give adults gray hair.

This one is going through the grieving process of losing his custodial parent.

Since the cable/internet bill comes to your mother,
she'll have to address this problem with the company.

With teenagers, I have learned to choose
my battles carefully, or else
every single discussion becomes a battleground.
ie: at our house, hair is not an issue for teenagers.

If you are truly the disciplinarian,
not his grandmother,
you'll have to decide which one
battle to pick.

I have also learned,
the child that is acting out
the most to get attention
(negative or positive attention)
is the one that needs the most love and
hugs daily.

God Bless!

[mesue]

The thing is my Mom thinks she can't do anything and believe me I have tried to make her do things like make business calls, call the school, arrange things for my nephew like tutoring, I end up doing it because she acts helpless and refuses to do it. If I don't do it; it ends up not being done at all. As a child in elementary school I was the one forced to deal with my little brothers teachers if there was a problem. Can you imagine being in the sixth grade and going and tell the third grade teacher how things are going to be? I did it because my Mom told me to, she did this becasue she did not want to deal with it due to her feeling inadequate due to her lack of education. (grew up on farm and walked to school sometimes no shoes, sometimes kept out to do farm work, so my Mom did not have educational opportunities) So yes I will be the one who deals with the cable company, I am the one who is the disciplianarian because my Mom just gives in to his teenage demands because at 69 she is about worn out, and he knows how to get his way around her. Oh the mother, the mother partied all the time, one man after another until she was injured in a car accident when he was 7 or 8 and now has the mentality of a 12 year old and has lost custody of all of her children due to this. She lives in a nursing home and my nephew very seldom sees her. He has two siblings, each of them half brothers due to different fathers, he is the eldest but does not see them that often either. I think I will suggest counseling though I am the one who has to do everything I have to convince her its the right thing to do and sometimes that is not easy.

[buttrfli]

This is probably more trouble than it worth, but have you considered letting him come stay with you? You are obviously having to do all of this anyhow, seems like in some ways it would be easier for him to stay with you.. or another family member for that matter. He is obviously taking advantage of your mom.

{{{HUGS}}} I can't imagine what you are feeling, but I hope things get worked out!

[mesue]

I would if it were just me but my husband would probably literally beat the crap out of the kid if I moved him in here. Hubby has tried to spend time with him and take him hunting and fishing but he can't be around him too long his laziness and lying and whining gets on hubby's nerves. Hubby does not tolerate much of that and can't understand it at all. I just talked to my Mom and she is has sent her sister to pay the bill (I told her not to pay the bill) and is considering letting him keep it becasue he sold all of his stuff to buy equipment so he could do it, I think he probably bought a modem to connect to the game system so he could get high speed internet, I am not a gamer nor do I have cable internet so I don't know what is required to run a game system, he does not have his computer 14.4 modem hooked up. Anyway he sold all his games to get enough money to buy what he needed and my Mom is actually feeling sorry for him saying stuff like I hate for him to lose all that money after he sold all his stuff, believe me I put it in perspective about how he lied and did not mind abusing her trust and now is expecting her to pay for this, he gets an allowance but I know her, she will say poor little fellow needs a dollar every now and then. Our school system sends the first report card through the mail and she got that today and guess what he made one B in art, everything else is an F but yet she is going to let him keep the games and cable internet. The whole time I am talking to her she is yelling at me about how her nerves are bad and how she just can't take anymore, meaning for me to leave her alone on the matter. Then she tells me she is going to send his butt up here for me to tutor him this evening I told her I would let her know on that one I just can't think that it is going to matter if I tutor him if she does not come down hard on him for this, I am mad at him and her. Whats the point? He is getting rewarded for lying, basically stealing and she wants me to take time to tutor the little brat. I am furious it does not take a rocket scientist to know what to do in this situation, take it all away from him, take his tv too, ground him for about three months and he does not get any proviledges until his grades come up to at least a C. I told my hubby about the mess and he said to quit doing anything for her at all where he is concerned, to make her do it, as bad as it is to do that, it really makes no sense to help if she continues to allow him to do all kinds of bad things without there being any consequences.

[buttrfli]

Dosen't he get survivor benefits from his fathers death? Your mom should pay the cable out of that.... or whoever is his representative. If he wantss the dang thing then he can pay for it.

[mesue]

We just got his birth certificate so we could sign him up for it, I will probably be starting the paperwork next week. His mother had lost it if she ever had one. Anyway my Mom is just a sucker and it makes me mad if she is going to let him keep it. She actually said to me when I said if it were one of mine who did that and she said you would do just like I'm a doing now that got me mad. My daughter made long distance calls without permission, the phone got turned off because we did not have the money to pay the bill. I paid the bill but still refused to turn the phone on, we all suffered on that one but she did not have a phone for about a year. When I found out my son had smoked pot I grounded him. He had to ride the bus instead of hitching a ride with friends, he had to go straight to his room for two weeks and then for two months he was not allowed to leave the yard. Then for the next 10 months he was allowed to leave the yard to visit his granny next door but that was it. So for her to tell me that I would do the same really made me mad. I don't think I can tutor him today, I'm just too mad at him.