I need some advice.

**AllKnowingFool** · 08-05-2003, 12:52 PM

I don't post a much frequently, but I need some help. I don't know who else to turn to. So. Here goes. Hopefully, by the time I am finished, I'll feel better.

I have a friend, who lives in KY. He's a pretty good friend and I love him tons. His history is not the greatest. He was a pill head, but has gone through detox and rehab. I thought that that was all behind him. I appearently was wrong.

Over the week end he was arrested for DUI. He doesn't know that I know. I know because I called his home and his mother told me. She and I agreed that it is best that he tells me. So she is not going to tell him that I even called. Which is fine cause if she told him I called he'd want to know what she told me. Anyway. He is asking me to stand by him. He has not told me what he did. Or anything. I know most of it from his mother. DUI, evading a police officer, reckless driving, reckless endagerment. He wrecked his car. I don't know how bad the car is or anything. I do know it was a *nice* car. I do not want to desert him when he needs me. But a little part of my mind is whispering "what if this is only the begining? What if he does it again? Then what?" I want to stand by him cause I love him. And I want to help him in any way I can. But I just don't know. I have conflicting thoughts. Part of me just wants to run.

I have never had any substance abuse problems. So I don't really know about what happens with the body. The only thing I have that might be remotely like the withdrawl he was going through was when I was switching my antidepressant medications. I know he was a pill head for 3+ years. He told me that he doesn't want to be a pill head anymore. He wanted to sober up. But this whole thing makes the sobering up thing seem like a lie. I don't know what to believe. My heart tells me to be there for him. To support him. But. My mind says that he will never sober up. That he won't change. That this is the first part of a down spiral and do I really want to be dragged down with him? I just don't know what to listen to. My heart or my mind. Each has it's own reasons for following what it says. I know that this guy is crazy for me. But I just can't help but think "What if he can't kick the habit? What if the pills win?" *sigh* I just can't stop caring about him though. It's not like me to turn my back on someone that needs me.

I am sorry for all the rambling. I just don't know what to do. I feel like I am in between a rock and a hard spot. Either way, I think I may lose.

**Advertisement** · 08-05-2003 12:52 PM

**ttistin** · 08-05-2003, 01:09 PM

I know you have a hard decision to make, no one can tell you what to do or how to feel. But from your post I would have to wait till he said something to me about the DUI and such and tell him straight out how much you care for him and how much you want to be there for him and to be a friend to him BUT you can not do it if he is going to continue doing those kind of things.

I have been in your place, it is not fun.

{{{{{AllKnowingFool}}}}} Good Luck in whatever you decide to do.

**1busymomma** · 08-05-2003, 01:13 PM

Hon, I had a former BIL that was like that. His parents stood by him, bailed him out etc.... and he promised to change. He never did. His addictions were greater than what he could promise to his parents (I think he may be clean now, but this has gone on for the last 10 years)

First and foremost, do not aid him. Tell him flat out that either he changes or your gone. If he is as crazy in love with you as he says he is, he will check into rehab, but HE ultimatley needs to make the decision to go, it can't be someone forcing him. I know this sounds hyporcritical, but he really needs to know where you stand in the grand scheme of things. I to would wait to see if he tells you first before approaching him.

Once you have told him that, stick with your decision!!! The problem with my BIL, is that his parents were not strong enough to follow through with what the agreement was so BIL never cleaned up his act cause he thought he could get away with it and had the "Oh, they will forgive me" attitude and help him out again.

Honestly you are right when you say this is just the begginning and that he may never change. It really is. He is in for a long hard fight. It will be even worse if he really does not want to give up his addiction because he thinks he can get away with it. He needs hard core counseling, rehab and a serious fresh start for any relationship to work.

(((((((((((((((allknowingfool))))))))))))))))))))) )

**catssass** · 08-05-2003, 01:53 PM

Tell him you are there for him but don't help him any way, if he wants you to go with him while he tries to get help, go, but don't cover for him, bail him out of anything, he needs to face his problems head on, tell him your feelings, how his behavior affects you and the people around him, tell him bluntly...if he continues to use, stay away, it is his choice, you or the drugs...Good Luck, its a hard road ahead.....

**AllKnowingFool** · 08-05-2003, 02:00 PM

Thank you all for your advice. I am still at a loss for what to do.

**MsLynn** · 08-05-2003, 03:09 PM

you can still stand by him and not have to condone what he did. you can still be a friend, write to him if he's in jail or whatever. as long as he isn't asking you to lie for him then i'd still be there for him as a friend, just maybe not letting him around my kids/family.

i knew of one girl who was on heroin for years and finally got clean and was clean for 5 years, when she went to get a blood test to get married, she said as soon as that needle went into her arm all those old feelings came back and she ended up loosing everything, because of that one lil blood test, sometimes the addictions are just too strong.

what ever you decide to do, WE'RE HERE FOR YOU!!

WitchyGurl · 08-05-2003, 04:51 PM

Run, don't walk, to you first Al-anon meeting!
Anyone who cares about an addict will need all the help they can get.
Help yourself learn to deal with him the RIGHT way

**schsa** · 08-05-2003, 04:55 PM

If you love him, let him know that you are his friend but that this is unacceptable and as much as you love him, you will no longer tollerate his behavior. I would be more inclined not to stand by him. He knows what he did and now he wants sympathy. If you play into his needs, you are making it easier for him not to be responsible.

Please understand that I know how hard it is. You don't want to abandon him but he is not going to walk away without doing jail time. You need to decide what is best for him, what will make him know that what he has done is completely unacceptable. Because if you don't, he will continue doing the same stupid things over and over again. He has to change his behavior or the next time he may never get out of jail again.

**HumblePie98** · 08-05-2003, 05:12 PM

my BIL is a heroin addict. I kinda know what your going through. usually every weekend fri & sat. nights we would drive around from "friends to friends" houses hunting him. Knowing he would o.d yet again, on oxycotin or perks. Many times we have drug him to the car covered in puke and crap in his pants....

Recently Him and his "friend" got busted for intent to deliver, intent to distrbute, (some other stuff) heroin, cocaine, mary jane...plus gun charges.

I feel terrible because he will be serving jail time, but I guess i Have to just except the fact, he will be better off, because maybe he will just learn for once.....

**Maeryn** · 08-05-2003, 05:34 PM

Two important things to keep in mind:

1. There's a huge difference between "being supportive" and "enabling". If he comes to you and asks for help, ask yourself, "If I do this for him, will I be helping him escape from the consequences of his behavior?" If the answer is yes, you'll be doing him more harm than good. It's hard to see someone you love suffer, and setting limits can be very difficult.

2. Separate the person from his behavior. Make it clear that you still love him and care what happens to him, but that the choices he's making are not acceptable, and you won't allow his problems to disrupt your life.

Good Luck!

**Danny** · 08-05-2003, 05:59 PM

And exactly what would you be getting out of this relationship other than heartache and misery? And what kind of a home could you make for any children you may have or might think of having? You don't trust him now - do you think that will change?
Please - take time for a reality check!!

You are the star of your life - make it wonderful - make it special and don't fall into the trap of thinking you can change him.

Thread: I need some advice.

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