It's over. ***VERY, VERY LONG***

[Bohemut]

I love my DH very much, but I'm calling it quits. I just can't live with the bs that he's pulling. My DD is my caregiver. She is paid by the state to take care of me. Okay, so she's not the best caregiver, but for the most part I'm happy with her care.

Last night I had an "episode." I am not on disability because of physical concerns, but because of my mental states. Last night as we were leaving the mall I twigged out. It was because there was a lightening storm going on and it triggered a very painful and frightening memory. I was absolutely terrified. My DD didn't understand and was somewhat callous about it. She didn't want to pull the car over so I could get in with minimal exposure because it would block traffic. She would move the car closer, but I would still have to be out in the elements for 30-40 feet. I couldn't do it. My DH became very upset with her, but instead of fighting then and there, he took me back inside the building. We went out a different exit and the car was much closer--I only had to go less than 10 feet to get to it. We got home okay and everyone settled down. I explained to him what had happened to me and why I had reacted the way I had. He said he was upset over the way my DD acted, but nothing more was said or done.

Today, DH told me that I needed to get a different caregiver. I told him the reasons I had chosen to have my DD as my caregiver. 1) I couldn't find anyone else on the state list who was available (I called over 40 people with no luck, and no one else fit the criteria of what I need). 2) I have to have a caregiver to qualify for Medicaid. Without Medicaid my prescriptions cost over $400.00 a month--too much for us to afford since we are both on SSDI. 3) My DD is available 24X5 (she has another client on weekends) and after 2:30 pm on Sat. & Sun.. 4) With my DD I have much more freedom to go and do things than if I had a traditional caregiver. He didn't care. He wouldn't accept anything I had to say and was angry with me for putting up with her lack of caring. We came to a shaky stand-off, which resulted with me going into another room. We ate dinner separately--each of us at our computers. After dinner he told DD that he wanted her to leave--move out. He didn't talk to me about it first and he told her he hadn't. She didn't say anthing to me, just finished the after dinner cleanup and went to her room. I finally went to her and asked what DH had said to her. She told me and said that if she wasn't wanted her, then she didn't want to be here. I reminded her that she is welcome where ever I am. We went and talked to DH. He was angry and said he was sorry that I was so f****d up in my head that I couldn't see how abusive she is to me. I don't think she is. I think she is young, still a little immature sometimes, and she made a mistake. Who of us at 19 didn't sometimes act a little callous, or uncaring? It's not that she didn't care, she just didn't understand and didn't realize just how bad off I was. He wouldn't listen. I told him that he was the one being abusive and that he was hurting me far more than she ever had. I reminded him that if he ever pulled this crap again, I would leave with her. I will not/cannot live with someone like that. I had to put up with enough of that kind of controlling behavior from my parents--I don't have to put up with it from a husband.

I will not make my DD move out by herself. She doesn't have the financial means to do so. So tomorrow we are going to buy a newspaper and search the apartment ads. I know that DD and I will make it. It will be hard, but we will survive. I don't have the same hope for DH. He cannot live alone. He falls frequently when transferring to and from his wheelchair. He cannot take adequate care of himself. He won't eat if there isn't someone there to remind him or fix something for him. He is unable to drive, and there is no handicapped bus service to our area. He is stuck here by himself if we leave. I feel very bad. I do not like being put in this position, but I have to support my DD--I'm all the family she's got.

I don't want to leave my DH, but I don't see any other option. He won't budge. And he won't listen. Why does he have to be so hard headed and unable to see both sides? How can he say that he cares about and for me, and then do something so hurtful? And how can he say that DD has to go because she doesn't care about me, and yet he can do something ten times worse because he cares for me? It doesn't make sense. I just can't live with this kind of stress and pain. So I've got to leave.

Thanks for listening. You don't have to reply. I just had to get it out. So if you don't see me posting after a few days, you'll know why.

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[Princess4J]

{{{Bohemut}}}

MY PRAYERS ARE WITH YOU AND YOUR DAUHTER.
YOU ARE BOTH GOOD PEOPLE.

[ahippiechic]

{{{Bohemut}}}

[TrueSthrnBelle]

((((((Bohemut))))))) I'm sorry your having such a hard time right now. I hope things get better soon.

[gwendolen]

Bohemut... I have a house on the lake just south of where I think you are, and if where you are where I was... YES it was extremely frightenly. My BF and I have a summer house up there that I'm the tarecaker (and kind of like the autumn/winter calm and peace), and this last weekend was truly scary.

[BeanieLuvR]

{{{{Bohemut}}}}

[~Roxy~]

{{{{Bohemut}}}}

[MommyG3]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Bohemut}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
Ya know, I don't know of many 19 year olds that would take sole care of their mothers. She has kudo points with me.

[Kelsey1224]

I'm going to take a different stance. I see that your hubby was very concerned for you when your daughter wasn't. I understand that it was her immaturity that could be the cause...but the fact is...she was unconcerned for your welfare.

I think your daughter needs to be sat down and explained that she is "working for you". She is being paid to provide your care. I wonder how many daughters (and sons) are providing care for their parents and are not paid for it. They see it as their duty and responsibility. And...they do it out of love for their parents.

The fact that your daughter gets paid is an additional bonus...but it doesn't change her responsibility.

That being said...I do hate that your husband is making you choose between the two of them. That is not fair.

Also...whose apartment is it? Isn't both of yours. Then...why are you leaving? If he is unhappy...tell him to leave.

Of course...you don't want him to leave either. I think if your daughter's attitude was adjusted and she did her job...there would be less problems. Maybe because she knows you will bail her out, she doesn't have any motivation to take care of your properly.

Just don't make any rush decisions until your anger has died down.

[dlwt]

Maybe you are not seeing what your daughter is doing while he sees something you dont see??
I hope you can work it out without anyone moving.
Good luck

Debbie

[dangerousfem]

I have to agree here.. 19 is old enough to grow up and learn to think aobut others feelings.. even if she didn't care as a daughter.. IT WAS HER JOB.. you are her employer.. if you say pull the car around closer.. she needs to understand that is what must be done.. she wouldn't have gotten away with that at another job.. it sounds like she takes advantage of the fact that she is your daughter also.. I do think its wrong that hubby is bieng stubborn.. but atleast he is showing he cares..and I don't think you are returning those feelings by choosing to move instead of making your daughter do the job she is being paid for.