Marriage is like tobacco-its popularity is all out of proportion to its benefits.
If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.
Winning isn't everything. Winning and gloating and rubbing their noses in it ... that's everything!
Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
I've learned- that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big d*** or huge t***.
I've learned- that it takes years to build up trust, and only suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
I've learned- that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.
It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.
The only time a woman wishes she were a year older is when she is expecting a baby.
A woman's favorite position is C.E.O.
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.
Nostalgia is like a grammar lesson: You find the present tense and the past perfect.
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
Whisper my favourite words: "I'll buy it for you."
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
At times I am amazed at how proportionally strong ants are, but then I remember I can still step on them.
Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it
My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.
People demand freedom of speech as a compensation for the freedom of thought which they seldom use.
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.
Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
The other line always moves faster until you get in it.
All husbands are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.
Our last fight was my fault My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"
Ignorance is Bliss!! Why aren't you happy?
The only thing wrong with a perfect drive to work is that you end up at work.
Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.
If they don't have chocolate in heaven, I ain't going
If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen
Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.
Stupidity got us into this mess-why can't it get us out?
I don't get even, I get odder.
No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn't work anyway.
Enough is enough - unless of course you're a nymphomaniac!
When a girl says "No" she really means "Yes", but not with you.
I've taken a vow of poverty. To annoy me, send money.
The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.
I wanted to be a fashion designer, so I had my portfolio reviewed and was offered a job at a nudist colony.
My reflexes were so bad that I was hit by a parked car.
The best way to make a long story short is to stop listening.
A boy becomes a man when he walks around a puddle instead of through it.
A good memory test: what did you worry about 1 year ago today?
Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me.
Mothers of teenagers know why animals eat their young.
One of these days, my kids are going to understand "Because I said so" is a perfectly good answer.
How ironic that the shortest sentence is "I am," and the longest sentence is "I do."
The trouble with trouble is that it always starts out as fun.
Democracy is mob rule, but with income taxes.
"I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it."
How do you know when you're in the middle of nowhere?
If sports builds character, how come most basketball coaches behave like spoiled children?
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
It took the computing power of three C-64s to fly to the Moon. It takes a 486 to run Windows 95. Something is wrong here.
The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
There's no future in time travel.
Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Sooner or later, doesn't EVERYONE stop smoking?
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.
When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
If I won the lottery, I wouldn't be one of those people who immediately quit their jobs. I'd make my boss's life a living hell for a week or two first.
Leaving things 'till another day, will only lead to sadness and sorry, but if you do it today and like it, - you can do it again tomorrow.
