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  1. #254

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    Quote Originally Posted by Jolie Rouge View Post
    The Best Revenge ...

    After 37 years of marriage, Jake dumped his wife for his young secretary. His new girlfriend demanded that they live in Jake and Edith’s multi-million dollar home. Since Jake had better lawyers, he prevailed. He gave Edith, his now ex-wife, just 3 days to move out.

    She spent the 1st day packing her belongings into boxes and crates. On the 2nd day, she had two movers come and collect her things. On the 3rd day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of boiled shrimp, a jar of caviar and a bottle of Chardonnay.

    When she had finished, she went into each and every room and stuffed half-eared shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of all the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

    When Jake returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything - cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even replaced the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked.

    People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.

    Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out and eventually even the local Realtors refused to return their calls. Finally they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

    Edith called Jake and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

    Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were the sign the papers that very day. She agreed and within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

    A week later, Jake and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home... Including the curtain rods.
    Yikes Serves him right though!

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  3. #255

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    DP, sorry bout that.
    Last edited by gracemarie; 06-07-2016 at 04:21 PM. Reason: DP

  4. #256
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    Quote Originally Posted by gracemarie View Post
    DP, sorry bout that.
    Now you have to share a joke ....
    Laissez les bon temps rouler! Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.** a 4 day work week & sex slaves ~ I say Tyt for PRESIDENT! Not to be taken internally, literally or seriously ....Suki ebaynni IS THAT BETTER ?

  5. #257
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    The lawyer and the car wreck.

    A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was hopping up and down with rage, complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.

    "Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!!!" he shrieked.

    "You lawyers are so materialistic it's amazing!!!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"

    "Oh no...." replied the lawyer, looking down and noticing for the first time the bloody stump where his left arm had once been.

    "Where's my Rolex???"
    Laissez les bon temps rouler! Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.** a 4 day work week & sex slaves ~ I say Tyt for PRESIDENT! Not to be taken internally, literally or seriously ....Suki ebaynni IS THAT BETTER ?

  6. #258
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    A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic, but not too personal.

    Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom and bought a pair of white gloves; the sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:

    I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove.

    These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.

    When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.

    Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.

    All my love.

    P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."
    Laissez les bon temps rouler! Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.** a 4 day work week & sex slaves ~ I say Tyt for PRESIDENT! Not to be taken internally, literally or seriously ....Suki ebaynni IS THAT BETTER ?

  7. #259
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    Fifty Fun Things To Do During An Exam

    You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.

    1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.

    2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"

    3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.

    4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.

    5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm so sure you can hear me thinking. " Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.

    6. Bring cheerleaders.

    7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand any of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who are you? Where's the regular guy?"

    8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc. . . ). Play with the volume at max level.

    9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.

    10. Bring pets.

    11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.

    12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas. "If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.

    13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.

    14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.

    15. Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.

    16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.

    17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.

    18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.

    19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.

    20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.

    21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.

    22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc. . ).

    23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.

    24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Forget this!" and walk out triumphantly.

    25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i. e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink)

    26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).

    27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"

    28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.

    29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away.

    30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.

    31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!"

    32. Bring a water pistol with you.

    33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.

    34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.

    35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.

    36. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.

    37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.

    38. Bring cheat sheets for another class (make sure this is obvious. . . like history notes for a calculus exam. . . otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit. "

    39. When you walk in, complain about the heat.

    40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.

    41. One word: Wrestlemania.

    42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.

    43. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.

    44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.

    45. Bring one pencil with a very sharp point. Break the point off your paper. Sharpen the pencil. Repeat this process for one hour.

    46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc. . . sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.

    47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.

    48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.

    49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say "it helps me think. " Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so".

    50. Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx is a Terrible Teacher"
    Laissez les bon temps rouler! Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.** a 4 day work week & sex slaves ~ I say Tyt for PRESIDENT! Not to be taken internally, literally or seriously ....Suki ebaynni IS THAT BETTER ?

  8. #260
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    10 Facts About You:
    1. You're reading this now.
    2. You're realizing that this is a stupid fact.
    4. You didn't notice I skipped number 3.
    5. You're checking now.
    6. You're smiling.
    7. You're still reading this even though it is stupid.
    9. You didn't realize I skipped number 8.
    10.You're checking again and smiling because you fell for it again.
    11. You're enjoying this.
    12. You didn't realize I said 10 facts not 12.
    Laissez les bon temps rouler! Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.** a 4 day work week & sex slaves ~ I say Tyt for PRESIDENT! Not to be taken internally, literally or seriously ....Suki ebaynni IS THAT BETTER ?

  9. #261
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    What does a storm cloud wear under his raincoat?


    Thunderwear.



    *************

    A group of four-year-olds were being questioned by their teacher in a Sunday School class. Looking across at those bright little faces, the teacher asked this question: "Does anyone know what today is?" A little girl held up her hand and said, "Yes, today is Palm Sunday." "That's fantastic!" the teacher said. "Now does anyone know what next Sunday is?" The sam little girl lifted her hand. "Yes," she said, "next Sunday is Easter Sunday."The teacher was all smiles. "Oh, very good. Now...does anyone know what makes next Sunday Easter?"On a roll the same little girl responded, "Yes, next Sunday is Easter because Jesus rose from the grave." Before the impressed teacher could congratulate her, however, the girl added, "but if He sees His shadow, He has to go back in for seven weeks."-

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  11. #262
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    A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".

    Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".

    The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those"?

    The Aussie asks with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?

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  13. #263
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    If a snake married an undertaker..............what would their towels say???




    Hisss and Hearse!!!


    Bwahahahahaha!!!

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