Thread: What would you do? (son's friend stole here)

Originally Posted by Anniston

I had a cheapie bracelet (a generic type like the Lance Armstrong Live Strong ones). I got it for a dime at Walmart and was going to give it to my friend's daughter but forgot, so it ended up from my pocket to my night stand.

Anyway, today, my son came to me and said, "D stole from your room." D is his friend.

How it happened is that when D was here, he had the bracelet on in my son's room and said to my son, "Do you want this? I don't want it anymore." My son said no. That was three days ago.

Today, my son noticed the empty package on the upstairs bathroom counter. So, it was then that my son remembered that I had that bracelet in that package, on my night stand. So, he put it all together and that is when he told me. He thought that it was D's bracelet when D had offered it to him.

Anyway, I am so disappointed. D went in my room, took it, then opened it up out of the package in the bathroom and put it on to pass it off as his own. To add to it all, D had asked when he was here if he could have one of my son's racing jerseys. My son races motocross and has a lot of jerseys in his closet that he really does not wear much because this year, he has a new gear sponsor. So, I said he could have it. It was a $40 jersey. Used, but still...

Well, I won't call his parents. I probably should, but that is completely out of my comfort zone. Maybe that is wrong of me, but it has been my experience that parents are not receptive to that kind of thing, so it is just easier for me to just not let the kid here ever again. The day he was here, he was here all day, they never called, have never met me and were willing to let me take him to a public pool. We never did go due to storms.

My question is....Another of my son's friends hangs with this kid a lot. I know that mom. Should I tell that mom to watch her belongings when he is there? I guess I am feeling funny about saying something negative about a minor. But I don't want to have her stuff at risk.

Thanks in advance for any advice. If anyone feels compelled to scold me for not calling his parents, I will say that you are probably right. But I don't like telling parents negative things in fear of how it will be received. So, right or wrong, I won't do that.

this happened 3 days ago and your ds just noticed the wrapper on the counter, 3 days later?...that seems very odd
How old are the kids?

ETA -- I walked away and thought about this -- honestly it sounds to me like your son had more to do with it than he is saying and either had a case of the guilties afterwards or was worried you'd notice soon.

Originally Posted by pepperpot

If I were his mother, I'd want to know. Just because a few mothers in the past have gone into denial and wigged out when informed shouldn't mean that I should be kept in the dark about my son's behavior and have the whole neighborhood 'know' that my son is 'thief' and he has been 'shunned' from all his 'friends' and their families. (You know he'll just get 'new' friends.) I also wouldn't want to be shunned or spoken about behind my back because my son did something bad and I am totally clueless (and not given the opportunity to address the situation).

I can understand your concern and dilemma, but ....if you spread this around town to 'warn' others instead of taking a step to stop this kid's behavior....it also makes you 'part of the problem' as you have now become a 'gossip' and are reinforcing to this child that he can get a way with this and no one will call him out on this. Next time, it may be someone's heirloom rings that go missing.

It takes a village....I appreciate someone looking out for my child when I am not there. If the mother is not made aware of it, how can anything change? Yes, there is a risk of negative feelings going back to you.



ETA: What are the ages of these children?

You do make an excellent point. I think it would take a great deal of courage to face up to the mom and I guess the worst thing that could happen is that she would get mad. The best thing that could happen is that she could speak to her son and find out what's going on and why did he steal (even if it was a small inexpensive item.) Perhaps he was trying to impress your son, Anniston? But if it was me, in spite of the excellent points made (and we have to go back 16 years, I honestly don't know if I could have done it, even knowing it was the right thing to do. Hard choice.

My niece developed a habit of taking things when she was at our house. We sat her down and told her that we knew she was taking things and how wrong it was. That if she wanted something then ask for it, she might actually get it. Our daughters were always giving her stuff and so were me and my sister. The straw that really broke the camel's back was when she decided to graduate to sneaking money. We told her that she would no longer be welcome in our home if she wanted to continue on this way.

I had a similar situation a few yrs ago when DS's friend stole money (the boys were 8 at the time). I actually saw it happen but didnt realize money was taken until DS returned home later. DS then told me that he thinks the same child has stolen things from his room in the past. I knew the family well so I did feel comfortable talking to them. I wasnt accustory or anything and I only talked about the money, not the other items that he may or may not have taken previously. Just said this amt is missing and I saw him in the area. The Dad asked the child if he took the money, child said no....Dad told him to empty his pockets and low and behold the exact amt was in his pockets. The parents were VERY applogetic and said they WANTED to know if anything like this ever happened again. I never brought up the other items because I just didnt have proof. Needless to say however, this child still is not allowed to play in our house and I rarely allow anyone else in the house too.

I do know how you feel about not wanting to talk to the parents though. If I didnt see it actually happen and know the parents well, I would have not said anything. I have seen some crazy things happen when it comes to people and their kids!

Originally Posted by Breezin

this happened 3 days ago and your ds just noticed the wrapper on the counter, 3 days later?...that seems very odd
How old are the kids?

ETA -- I walked away and thought about this -- honestly it sounds to me like your son had more to do with it than he is saying and either had a case of the guilties afterwards or was worried you'd notice soon.

It wasn't on a counter out in the main part of the house. It was on his mothers bed side table. I know from my childhood that the parents bedroom was a general no no for just hanging out in. So it is quite possible that he didn't see it for three days. Or maybe he's so busy w/ life that it really did take him that long to put two and two together.

Originally Posted by janelle

I hope it's just a misunderstanding. You son did say it was ok to take it but he said it when he didn't know what it was. Have your son talk to his friend and say, "You know that bracelet? Well I should not have let you have it, it belongs to my mom and she didn't want to give it away." You need to being it back. Then see what he does.

I had a kid say something to me about a flashlight battery once and I said yes. He took it. I thought he was just asking me if it was a flashlight battery. No big deal but just a misunderstanding. A cheap lesson.

Also, from now on can your son keep his friends in a play area? Keep everyone out of the bedrooms. Kids get to an age where taking something can cross their minds and they are not mature enough to resist. The family's private rooms are not a place to take company for that reason.

Where did her son say he could have it?

Originally Posted by justme23

It wasn't on a counter out in the main part of the house. It was on his mothers bed side table. I know from my childhood that the parents bedroom was a general no no for just hanging out in. So it is quite possible that he didn't see it for three days. Or maybe he's so busy w/ life that it really did take him that long to put two and two together.

Please read the original post

Anyway, today, my son came to me and said, "D stole from your room." D is his friend.

How it happened is that when D was here, he had the bracelet on in my son's room and said to my son, "Do you want this? I don't want it anymore." My son said no. That was three days ago.

Today, my son noticed the empty package on the upstairs bathroom counter. So, it was then that my son remembered that I had that bracelet in that package, on my night stand. So, he put it all together and that is when he told me. He thought that it was D's bracelet when D had offered it to him.

Sorry -- but the wrapper was out on the bathroom counter for 3 days time -- odd that it would suddenly be noticed after 3 days time

I do find it really strange that everyone is quick to assume that the other boy is a thief without hearing his side of the story and taking this boys story at it's word.

based on what was written sounds like there is more to the story.

OK, I see that I misread that. I still don't think her son is responsible... but that's me.

Originally Posted by justme23

OK, I see that I misread that. I still don't think her son is responsible... but that's me.

Maybe yes, maybe no, but before I start accusing people of stealing I like to hear both sides of the story.

Originally Posted by Breezin

Maybe yes, maybe no, but before I start accusing people of stealing I like to hear both sides of the story.

I thought I gave both sides pretty accurately?

Breezin, I think your doubts about my son exemplify why I am timid to discuss this matter with the boy's mother. You don't know my son, and you found it suspicious. She does not know my son and may have gone the same direction in thinking. I know my son is not perfect, but I also feel confident in my ability to read him, and he did not do anything wrong here.

I think this excerpt from what I posted is what leaves you puzzled: How it happened is that when D was here, he had the bracelet on in my son's room and said to my son, "Do you want this? I don't want it anymore." My son said no. That was three days ago.

1. My son said he didn't want the bracelet when he thought it was actually the boy's.
2. He noticed it three days later, but had been showering at the Y after swimming with his trainer, and I had showered at the Y after morning workouts. DH showered here those three days, but he wouldn't have known from the man on the moon about that package.
3. TMI, but we potty mostly in the downstairs bathroom.

If my son thought he wanted the bracelet or something, he would have just said something to me. After all, he did ask if the boy could have that jersey. To which, I agreed. I should have added that the jersey was not the only thing he asked for. He also asked if he could have a pair of shoes, a hoodie and a game.

I know, I know, don't post something if I am not prepared to hear something I don't want to hear. But I never thought that my son's behavior would be in question. Just when I posted this, I was pretty upset because I would like to think that I can leave "pocket-able" things around the house without fear of theft. However, I learned from this. And with many parents having more kids than normal about the house due to it being summer, maybe it is a good experience for them to hear about as well.

Pepper, you asked the ages: 11

To the poster (sorry your name escapes me) who made sure I complimented my son, I did. Thank you.