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  1. #12
    Jolie Rouge's Avatar
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    Re: The Twelve Days of Christmas : Revisited & Revised

    The Twelve Days After Christmas

    The first day after Christmas, my true love and I had a fight
    And so I chopped the pear tree down
    And burnt it, just for spite
    Then with a single cartridge
    I shot that blasted partridge
    My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me.

    The second day after Christmas, I pulled on the old rubber gloves
    And very gently wrung the necks
    Of both those stupid turtle doves.

    The third day after Christmas, my mother caught the croup
    I had to use the three French hens
    To make her some chicken soup.

    The four calling birds were a big mistake
    For their language was obscene
    The five golden rings were completely fake
    And they turned my fingers putrid green.

    The sixth day after Christmas, the six laying geese wouldn't lay
    So I sent the whole darn gaggle to
    The neighborhood A.S.P.C.A.

    The seventh day, what a mess I had found
    The seven swans-a-swimming all had drowned
    My true love, my true love
    My true love gave to me

    The eighth day after Christmas, before they could suspect
    I bundled up the
    Twelve drummers drumming
    Eleven pipers piping
    Ten lords-a-leaping
    Nine ladies dancing
    Eight maids-a-milking
    (well, actually I kept *one* of the ladies)
    And sent them back collect

    I wrote my true love
    "We are through, love!"
    And I said in so many words
    "Furthermore your Christmas gifts were for the
    (Soprani) Birds!"

    (Soprani) Birds!!! (Everyone else) Four calling birds,
    Three french hens,
    Two turtle doves
    And a partridge in a pear tree!"
    Laissez les bon temps rouler! Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.** a 4 day work week & sex slaves ~ I say Tyt for PRESIDENT! Not to be taken internally, literally or seriously ....Suki ebaynni IS THAT BETTER ?

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  3. #13
    Jolie Rouge's Avatar
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    Re: The Twelve Days of Christmas : Revisited & Revised

    On the first day of Christmas, my Elvis gave to me
    Lil’ Elvis and Lisa Marie!

    On the Second day of Christmas, my Elvis gave to me
    Blue Contact lenses,
    and Lil’ Elvis and Lisa Marie!

    On the Third day of Christmas, my Elvis gave to me
    Three Elvis records,
    Blue Contact lenses,
    and Lil’ Elvis and Lisa Marie!

    On the Fourth day of Christmas, my Elvis gave to me
    Four Secret rooms,
    Three Elvis records,
    Blue Contact lenses,
    and Lil’ Elvis and Lisa Marie!

    On the Fifth day of Christmas, my Elvis gave to me
    Five Peanut Butter and Banana Sandwiches!
    Four Secret rooms,
    Three Elvis records,
    Blue Contact lenses,
    and Lil’ Elvis and Lisa Marie!

    On the Sixth day of Christmas, my Elvis gave to me
    Six blond extendos,
    Five Peanut Butter and Banana Sandwiches!
    Four Secret rooms,
    Three Elvis records,
    Blue Contact lenses,
    and Lil’ Elvis and Lisa Marie!

    On the Seventh day of Christmas, my Elvis gave to me
    Seven Evil Vampires,
    Six blond extendos,
    Five Peanut Butter and Banana Sandwiches!
    Four Secret rooms,
    Three Elvis records,
    Blue Contact lenses,
    and Lil’ Elvis and Lisa Marie!

    On the Eighth day of Christmas, my Elvis gave to me
    Eight rainbow ski caps,
    Seven Evil Vampires,
    Six blond extendos,
    Five Peanut Butter and Banana Sandwiches!
    Four Secret rooms,
    Three Elvis records,
    Blue Contact lenses,
    and Lil’ Elvis and Lisa Marie!

    On the Ninth day of Christmas, my Elvis gave to me
    Nine Chicken-Fried Steaks
    Eight rainbow ski caps,
    Seven Evil Vampires,
    Six blond extendos,
    Five Peanut Butter and Banana Sandwiches!
    Four Secret rooms,
    Three Elvis records,
    Blue Contact lenses,
    and Lil’ Elvis and Lisa Marie!

    On the Tenth day of Christmas, my Elvis gave to me
    Ten Stick-on Sparklies,
    Nine Chicken-Fried Steaks,
    Eight rainbow ski caps,
    Seven Evil Vampires,
    Six blond extendos,
    Five Peanut Butter and Banana Sandwiches!
    Four Secret rooms,
    Three Elvis records,
    Blue Contact lenses,
    and Lil’ Elvis and Lisa Marie!

    On the Eleventh day of Christmas, my Elvis gave to me
    Eleven Scary Movies,
    Ten Stick-on Sparklies,
    Nine Chicken-Fried Steaks,
    Eight rainbow ski caps,
    Seven Evil Vampires,
    Six blond extendos,
    Five Peanut Butter and Banana Sandwiches!
    Four Secret rooms,
    Three Elvis records,
    Blue Contact lenses,
    and Lil’ Elvis and Lisa Marie!

    On the Twelfth day of Christmas, my Elvis gave to me
    Twelve Sister Marys,
    Eleven Scary Movies,
    Ten Stick-on Sparklies,
    Nine Chicken-Fried Steaks,
    Eight rainbow ski caps,
    Seven Evil Vampires,
    Six blond extendos,
    Five Peanut Butter and Banana Sandwiches!
    Four Secret rooms,
    Three Elvis records,
    Blue Contact lenses,
    and Lil’ Elvis and Lisa Marie!
    Laissez les bon temps rouler! Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.** a 4 day work week & sex slaves ~ I say Tyt for PRESIDENT! Not to be taken internally, literally or seriously ....Suki ebaynni IS THAT BETTER ?

  4. #14
    Jolie Rouge's Avatar
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    Re: The Twelve Days of Christmas : Revisited & Revised

    A Puppy's 12 Days of Christmas
    by Elise Lewis 1997


    {{Be sure to read down to Day 12}}

    On the first day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
    The Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

    On the second day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
    Two leaking bubble lights
    And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

    On the third day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
    Three punctured ornaments
    Two leaking bubble lights
    And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

    On the fourth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
    Four broken window candles
    Three punctured ornaments
    Two leaking bubble lights
    And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

    On the fifth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
    Five chewed-up stockings
    Four broken window candles
    Three punctured ornaments
    Two leaking bubble lights
    And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

    On the sixth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
    Six yards of soggy ribbon
    Five chewed-up stockings
    Four broken window candles
    Three punctured ornaments
    Two leaking bubble lights
    And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

    On the seventh day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
    Seven scraps of wrapping paper
    Six yards of soggy ribbon
    Five chewed-up stockings
    Four broken window candles
    Three punctured ornaments
    Two leaking bubble lights
    And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

    On the eighth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
    Eight tiny reindeer fragments
    Seven scraps of wrapping paper
    Six yards of soggy ribbon
    Five chewed-up stockings
    Four broken window candles
    Three punctured ornaments
    Two leaking bubble lights
    And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

    On the ninth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
    My wreath in nine pieces
    Eight tiny reindeer fragments
    Seven scraps of wrapping paper
    Six yards of soggy ribbon
    Five chewed-up stockings
    Four broken window candles
    Three punctured ornaments
    Two leaking bubble lights
    And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

    On the tenth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
    Ten Christmas cards I shoulda mailed
    My wreath in nine pieces
    Eight tiny reindeer fragments
    Seven scraps of wrapping paper
    Six yards of soggy ribbon
    Five chewed-up stockings
    Four broken window candles
    Three punctured ornaments
    Two leaking bubble lights
    And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

    On the eleventh day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
    Eleven unwrapped presents
    Ten Christmas cards I shoulda mailed
    My wreath in nine pieces
    Eight tiny reindeer fragments
    Seven scraps of wrapping paper
    Six yards of soggy ribbon
    Five chewed-up stockings
    Four broken window candles
    Three punctured ornaments
    Two leaking bubble lights
    And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

    On the twelfth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
    A dozen puppy kisses And I forgot all about the other eleven days.
    Laissez les bon temps rouler! Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.** a 4 day work week & sex slaves ~ I say Tyt for PRESIDENT! Not to be taken internally, literally or seriously ....Suki ebaynni IS THAT BETTER ?

  5. #15
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    Re: The Twelve Days of Christmas : Revisited & Revised

    The Twelve Days of a Redneck Christmas
    .
    On the first day of Christmas my old lady gave to me,
    Some parts to a Mustang GT.
    .
    On the second day of Christmas my old lady gave to me,
    2 huntin' dawgs
    and some parts to a Mustang GT.
    .
    On the third day of Christmas my old lady gave to me,
    3 shotgun shells
    2 huntin' dawgs
    and some parts to a Mustang GT.
    .
    On the forth day of Christmas my old lady gave to me,
    4 big mud tires
    3 shotgun shells
    2 huntin' dawgs
    and some parts to a Mustang GT.
    .
    On the fifth day of Christmas my old lady gave to me,
    5 flannel shirts
    4 big mud tires
    3 shotgun shells
    2 huntin' dawgs
    and some parts to a Mustang GT.
    .
    On the sixth day of Christmas my old lady gave to me,
    6 cans of Spam
    5 flannel shirts
    4 big mud tires
    3 shotgun shells
    2 huntin' dawgs
    and some parts to a Mustang GT.
    .
    On the seventh day of Christmas my old lady gave to me,
    7 packs of Red Man
    6 cans of Spam
    5 flannel shirts
    4 big mud tires
    3 shotgun shells
    2 huntin' dawgs
    and some parts to a Mustang GT.
    .
    On the eighth day of Christmas my old lady gave to me,
    8 table dancers
    7 packs of Red Man
    6 cans of Spam
    5 flannel shirts
    4 big mud tires
    3 shotgun shells
    2 huntin' dawgs
    and some parts to a Mustang GT.
    .
    On the ninth day of Christmas my old lady gave to me,
    9 years probation
    8 table dancers
    7 packs of Red Man
    6 cans of Spam
    5 flannel shirts
    4 big mud tires
    3 shotgun shells
    2 huntin' dawgs
    and some parts to a Mustang GT.
    .
    On the tenth day of Christmas my old lady gave to me,
    tin of Copenhagen
    9 years probation
    8 table dancers
    7 packs of Red Man
    6 cans of Spam
    5 flannel shirts
    4 big mud tires
    3 shotgun shells
    2 huntin' dawgs
    and some parts to a Mustang GT.
    .
    On the eleventh day of Christmas my old lady gave to me,
    11 rasslin' tickets
    tin of Copenhagen
    9 years probation
    8 table dancers
    7 packs of Red Man
    6 cans of Spam
    5 flannel shirts
    4 big mud tires
    3 shotgun shells
    2 huntin' dawgs
    and some parts to a Mustang GT.
    .
    On the twelfth day of Christmas my old lady gave to me,
    12 pack of Bud
    11 rasslin' tickets
    tin of Copenhagen
    9 years probation
    8 table dancers
    7 packs of Red Man
    6 cans of Spam
    5 flannel shirts
    4 big mud tires
    3 shotgun shells
    2 huntin' dawgs
    and some parts to a Mustang GT.
    Laissez les bon temps rouler! Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.** a 4 day work week & sex slaves ~ I say Tyt for PRESIDENT! Not to be taken internally, literally or seriously ....Suki ebaynni IS THAT BETTER ?

  6. #16
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    Re: The Twelve Days of Christmas : Revisited & Revised

    How the Grinch stole AOL

    Every newbie in Newville loved Steve Case alot.
    But the Grinch who lived just north of New-ville did not.

    Oh he hated the service--all 6 million users.
    The lame and the looney, the lonely, the losers.

    Some say he'd struck out in his chat room romances
    That even the NetGirl had spurned his advances.

    It could be its logo was making him dizzy.
    A dial-up number perpetually busy...

    Or strange disconnects, but most likely of all
    Was the time he spent waiting on hold when he called!

    But whatever the reason, the bumps or the waits,
    He stood there on Christmas Eve, hating Steve Case.

    Staring down at his screen with a sour, net scowl,
    While Case sunned in MacLean with a monogrammed towel

    And he knew every newbie in Chat Rooms tonight
    Would now gather in private rooms clean out of sight.

    "And they're sending their IM's!" he snarled with a sneer.
    "While they tie up the phone lines, and buy Case's beer!"

    Then he scratched his green face in the monitor glowing,
    "I MUST find some way to stop AOL from growing."



    For,
    Tomorrow, he knew...
    ..All the AOL vandals
    Would wake bright and early. They'd rush for their handles

    And then! Oh, the spam! Oh, the Spam! Spam! Spam! Spam!
    That's one thing he hated! The SPAM! SPAM! SPAM! SPAM!

    They would forward chain letters and Dr. Seuss rhymes,
    A new virus-warning, that they'd dubbed "Good Times"

    And totems for luck or a new snowball toy.
    They'd collect business cards for a poor dying boy...


    And THEN
    They'd do something
    He liked least of all!
    They'd launch with their modems that AOL call

    They'd rush to their chat rooms, the old and the young
    the clueful, the clueless, the smart and the dum,

    And after they finished their e-mail reading,
    then IM to IM--the News would start breeding!

    They'd breed! And they'd breed!
    And they'd BREED! BREED! BREED! BREED!

    "It's all Steve Case's fault," the Grinch said with a tisk,
    "He's sucked up the market with all of those disks."

    And the more the grinch pondered the AOL thug--
    "I must stop the whole thing! I must pull the plug!"

    "Why I've suffered their spam since at least '94!
    And I won't suffer one piece of e-mail more!"

    "I know just what to do!" he said, stroking his chin.
    "I'll pull out their 19-hour routers again!"

    It was dark in Virginia, the home of the spam,
    As he crept past their now-silent parking lot cam.

    He passed a grey chimney, and quick as a whisk,
    he stole each and every last white floppy disk!

    As he reached the grey buildings, quite slowly he crept
    toward the humming computers where chat rooms were kept.

    And as up onto AOL's mainframes he climbed
    A well-known and tinkly sound file chimed

    He spun round to confront their security guards,
    But a Grinch-to-Case showdown was not in the cards.

    That morning a local school's tour passed through,
    and the Grinch stood called out by CINDY432!

    This Case fan stared accusing with watery eyes,
    and said "Why are you shutting down AOL? Why?"

    And so needing a dishonest answer to thrive,
    He said, "I'm on staff here, and I work for Tech Live!"

    "See, a sector near here will consistently fail.
    There's a sound file here that won't say "You've got Mail"!

    "And I merely stopped in to re-service this POP.
    (And on Wednesdays we schedule maintenance stops...)

    "So we're fixing the service with all our tech powers.
    The whole thing should just take a mere 19 hours."

    Then he roamed through the office park stealing their files--
    their CD's, and floppies, their modem and dials,

    Then the last thing he did--which they ill could afford--
    was to scarf up the service's last router cord!

    Then he ran to Virginia to gloat from a hill
    And he listened for Steve Case's crying so shrill.

    For he knew in the morning Case sat down to write
    his Community Update to send from the heights.

    Steve will find out his service was stripped in the night.
    His mouth will hang open, with nothing to write!

    And his stock options worthless, he'll cry "I am through!"

    Then the AOL users will all cry "Me too!"

    And they'll rush off to ISPs, all at one time
    and they'll savor the thrill of unlimited time

    On a POP with a dial-up that actually answers
    And with users besides just the chat room romancers.


    But instead the next morning, despite all his lies,
    the Grinch read in the papers they'd doubled in size.

    Though his newbies couldn't dial-in, they did something funny:
    They continued to give Steve Case all of their money.

    And he sulked in his Grinch cave, Virginia skies snowing--
    He hadn't stopped AOL's service from growing.

    "It came without UNIX.
    It came without phones.
    It came without chatrooms.
    Or Steve Case's tomes."

    All the New's kept on using those floppy disks pale,
    installing the software that came in the mail,

    Convinced that a service just couldn't be that bad
    (And deceived by blind faith from that George Jetson ad.)

    The Grinch pondered in horror the spams still to come.
    "Maybe newbies--real newbies--are just really dumb".

    "Maybe god made the clueless for Steve Case to fleece."
    Then he set up a filter and left them in peace.
    Laissez les bon temps rouler! Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.** a 4 day work week & sex slaves ~ I say Tyt for PRESIDENT! Not to be taken internally, literally or seriously ....Suki ebaynni IS THAT BETTER ?

  7. #17
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    Re: The Twelve Days of Christmas : Revisited & Revised

    Santa Reorganizes

    The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.

    Streamlining is due to the North Pole's loss of dominance of the season's gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share. He could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.

    The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has received unfavorable press.

    I am pleased to inform you that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose got that way, not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of year when he is known to be under executive stress.

    As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps.

    Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:

    The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance;

    The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated;

    The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French;

    The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;

    The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order;

    The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one;

    The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement;

    As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;

    Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps;

    Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year;

    Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line;

    We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.

    Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing") action is pending.

    Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.
    Laissez les bon temps rouler! Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.** a 4 day work week & sex slaves ~ I say Tyt for PRESIDENT! Not to be taken internally, literally or seriously ....Suki ebaynni IS THAT BETTER ?

  8. #18
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    On the first day of Christmas...

    Miss Agnes McHolstein
    69 Cash Avenue
    Beaver Valley, Colorado

    December 14, 1994
    Dearest John:

    I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.

    With deepest love and devotion,

    Agnes



    On the second day of Christmas...

    Miss Agnes McHolstein
    69 Cash Avenue
    Beaver Valley, Colorado

    December 15, 1994

    Dearest John:

    Today the postman brought your very sweet gift.
    Just imagine two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.

    All my love,

    Agnes




    On the third day of Christmas...

    Miss Agnes McHolstein
    69 Cash Avenue
    Beaver Valley, Colorado

    December 16, 1994

    Dearest John:

    Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I really must protest. I don't deserve such generosity, Three French hens. They are just darling but I must
    insist, you've been too kind.

    Love,

    Agnes




    On the fourth day of Christmas...

    Miss Agnes McHolstein
    69 Cash Avenue
    Beaver Valley, Colorado

    December 17, 1994

    Dear John,

    Today the postman delivered 4 calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful but don't you think enough is enough. You're being too romantic.

    Affectionately,

    Agnes




    On the fifth day of Christmas...

    Miss Agnes McHolstein
    69 Cash Avenue
    Beaver Valley, Colorado

    December 18, 1994

    Dearest John:

    What a surprise. Today the postman delivered 5 golden rings; one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.

    All my love,

    Anges




    On the sixth day of Christmas...

    Miss Agnes McHolstein
    69 Cash Avenue
    Beaver Valley, Colorado

    December 19, 1994

    Dear John:

    When I opened the door there were actually 6 geese a-laying on my front steps. So, you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket.

    Please stop.

    Cordially,

    Agnes




    On the seventh day of Christmas...

    Miss Agnes McHolstein
    69 Cash Avenue
    Beaver Valley, Colorado

    December 20, 1994

    John:

    What's with you and those crazy birds? 7 swans a-swimming. What kind of terrible joke is this? There's bird poop all over the house, and they never stop with the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny. So stop sending me all these birds!

    Sincerely,

    Agnes




    On the eighth day of Christmas...

    Miss Agnes McHolstein
    69 Cash Avenue
    Beaver Valley, Colorado

    December 21, 1994

    O.K. Buster:

    I think I prefer the birds. What am I going to do with 8 maids a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a-milking, but they had to bring their cows! There is manure and droppings all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me, smartpanss.

    Agnes




    On the ninth day of Christmas...

    Miss Agnes McHolstein
    69 Cash Avenue
    Beaver Valley, Colorado

    December 22, 1994

    Hey! Poophead,

    What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's 9 pipers playing. And boy, do they play. They've never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. They cows are getting upset, and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.

    You'll get yours,

    Agnes




    On the tenth day of Christmas...

    Miss Agnes McHolstein
    69 Cash Avenue
    Beaver Valley, Colorado

    December 23, 1994

    You Rotten Sadist,

    Now there's 10 ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been messing with those pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got the diarrhea. My living room is a river of manure. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why this building shouldn't be condemned.

    I'm sicking the police on you.

    One who means it.




    On the eleventh day of Christmas...

    Miss Agnes McHolstein
    69 Cash Avenue
    Beaver Valley, Colorado

    December 24, 1994

    Listen! Loser,

    What's with the 11 lords a-leaping on those maids and ladies. Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All 23 of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten, vicious swine.

    Your sworn enemy,

    Agnes




    On the twelfth day of Christmas...

    Law Offices
    Dewey, Cheatem, & Howe
    303 Knave Street
    Chicago, Illinois

    December 25, 1994

    Dear Sir:

    This is to acknowledge your latest gift of 12 fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein.

    The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter please find attached warrant for your arrest.

    Cordially,

    Dewey, Cheatem, & Howe
    Laissez les bon temps rouler! Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.** a 4 day work week & sex slaves ~ I say Tyt for PRESIDENT! Not to be taken internally, literally or seriously ....Suki ebaynni IS THAT BETTER ?

  9. #19
    fatesfaery's Avatar
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    Re: The Twelve Days of Christmas : Revisited & Revised

    {{{Jolie}}} I want to thank you for posting the Cajun Night Before Christmas.
    I love all these 'different' Christmas posts!
    Níl gach uile fhánaí caillte

  10. #20
    Jolie Rouge's Avatar
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    Re: The Twelve Days of Christmas : Revisited & Revised

    Puppy's 12 Days of Christmas


    On the first day of Christmas my puppy stole from me:
    A garland from the tree!


    On the second day of Christmas my puppy stole from me:
    Two hiking boots and
    A garland from the tree!


    On the third day of Christmas my puppy stole from me:
    Three credit cards
    Two hiking boots and
    A garland from the tree!


    On the fourth day of Christmas my puppy stole from me:
    Four remote controls
    Three credit cards
    Two hiking boots and
    A garland from the tree!


    On the fifth day of Christmas my puppy stole from me:
    Five golden earrings.......
    Four remote controls, three credit cards, two hiking boots,
    And a garland from the tree!


    On the sixth day of Christmas my puppy stole from me:
    Six pairs of mittens,
    Five golden earrings.......
    Four remote controls,
    three credit cards,
    two hiking boots and
    A garland from the tree!


    On the seventh day of Christmas my puppy stole from me:
    Seven beeswax candles,
    six pairs of mittens,
    Five golden earrings........
    Four remote controls,
    three credit cards,
    two hiking boots and
    A garland from the tree!


    On the eighth day of Christmas my puppy stole from me:
    Eight pans of shortbread
    Seven beeswax candles,
    six pairs of mittens,
    Five golden earrings........
    Four remote controls,
    three credit cards,
    two hiking boots and
    A garland from the tree!


    On the ninth day of Christmas my puppy stole from me:
    Nine bags of tinsel,
    Eight pans of shortbread,
    seven beeswax candles,
    six pairs of mittens,

    Five golden earrings........
    Four remote controls,
    three credit cards,
    two hiking boots,
    And a garland from the tree!


    On the tenth day of Christmas my puppy stole from me:
    Ten chocolate Santas,
    Nine bags of tinsel,
    eight pans of shortbread,
    seven beeswax candles,
    six
    pairs of mittens,
    Five golden earrings........
    Four remote controls,
    three credit cards,
    two hiking boots,
    And a garland from the tree!


    On the eleventh day of Christmas my puppy stole from me:
    Eleven silver sleigh bells,
    Ten chocolate Santas,
    nine bags of tinsel,
    eight pans of shortbread,
    seven beeswax candles,
    six pairs of mittens,
    Five golden earrings........
    Four remote controls,
    three credit cards,
    two hiking boots,
    And a garland from the tree!


    On the twelfth day of Christmas my puppy stole from me:
    Twelve fruit cakes,
    Eleven silver sleigh bells,
    ten chocolate Santas,
    nine bags of tinsel,
    eight pans of shortbread,
    seven beeswax candles,
    six pairs of stockings,
    Five golden earrings......
    Four remote controls,
    three credit cards,
    two hiking boots,
    And a garland from the tree!


    And that's when I hauled out the crate!!!
    Laissez les bon temps rouler! Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.** a 4 day work week & sex slaves ~ I say Tyt for PRESIDENT! Not to be taken internally, literally or seriously ....Suki ebaynni IS THAT BETTER ?

  11. #21
    Jolie Rouge's Avatar
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    Re: The Twelve Days of Christmas : Revisited & Revised

    The Twelve Pains of Christmas

    Chorus:The first thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me
    Is finding a Christmas tree.

    The second thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
    Husband (2): Rigging up the lights,
    C: And finding a Christmas tree.

    The third thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
    Inebriated man: Hangovers,
    2: Rigging up the lights,
    C: And finding a Christmas tree.

    The fourth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
    Frustrated man (4): Sending Christmas cards,
    3: Hangovers,
    2: Rigging up the lights,
    C: And finding a Christmas tree.

    The fifth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
    Five months of bills,
    4: Sending Christmas cards,
    3: Hangovers,
    2: Rigging up the lights,
    C: And finding a Christmas tree.

    The sixth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
    Frustrated wife (6): Facing my in-laws,
    C: Five months of bills,
    4: Oh, I hate those Christmas cards,
    3: Hangovers,
    2: Rigging up these lights,
    C: And finding a Christmas tree.

    The seventh thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
    Angry man (7): The Salvation Army,
    6: Facing my in-laws,
    C: Five months of bills,
    4: Sending Christmas cards,
    3: Oh, Jeez!
    2: I'm trying to rig up these lights!
    C: And finding a Christmas tree.

    The eighth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
    Loud kid (8): I WANNA TRANSFORMER FOR CHRISTMAS!
    7: Charities
    And what do you mean, "your in-laws"?!?
    C: Five months of bills,
    4: Oh, making out these cards,
    3: Edith, get me a beer, huh?
    2: What? We have no extension cords?!?
    C: And finding a Christmas tree.

    The ninth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
    Another frustrated man (9): No parking spaces,
    8: DADDY, I WANT SOME CANDY!!
    7: Donations!
    6: Facing my in-laws,
    C: Five months of bills,
    4: Writing out those Christmas cards,
    3: Hangovers,
    2: Now why the hell are they blinking?!?
    C: And finding a Christmas tree.

    The tenth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
    Toy-commercial voice (10): Batteries not included",
    9: No parking spaces,
    8: BUY ME SOMETHIN'!!!!
    7: Get a job, ya bum!!!
    6: (sobbing) Oh, facing my in-laws,
    C: Five months of bills,
    4: Yo, ho! Sending Christmas cards,
    3: Oh, Jeez, look at this!
    2: One light goes out, they ALL go out!!!
    C: And finding a Christmas tree.

    The eleventh thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
    TV Critic (11): Stale TV specials,
    10: "Batteries not included",
    9: No parking spaces,
    8: I GOTTA GO TO THE BATHROOM!!!!
    7: Charities!!
    6: (sobbing) She's a witch! I hate her!
    C: Five months of bills,
    4: Oh, I don't even KNOW half these people!
    3: Oh, who's got the toilet paper?
    2: Get a flashlight!! I blew a fuse!!!
    C: And finding a Christmas tree.

    The twelfth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
    A few guys: Singing Christmas Carols,
    11: Stale TV specials,
    10: "Batteries not included",
    9: No parking?
    8: WAAAAAAH!!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!
    7: Charities!
    6: Gotta make 'em dinner!
    C: Five months of bills,
    4: I'm not sending them this year, that's it!
    3: Shut up, you!
    2: FINE!! If you're so smart, YOU RIG UP THE LIGHTS!!!!!
    C: And finding a Christmas tree.


    (From Twisted Christmas" by Bob Rivers)
    www.twistedtunes.com
    I received this hilarious CD last year from a dear and twisted friend ....
    Laissez les bon temps rouler! Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.** a 4 day work week & sex slaves ~ I say Tyt for PRESIDENT! Not to be taken internally, literally or seriously ....Suki ebaynni IS THAT BETTER ?

  12. #22
    Jolie Rouge's Avatar
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    Re: The Twelve Days of Christmas : Revisited & Revised

    The 12 Hawaiian Days Of Christmas


    For the first day of Christmas my Tutu (Grandmother) gave to me a Mayna bird in one papaya tree...

    For the second day of Christmas my Tutu gave to me
    2 coconuts
    and a Mayna bird in one papaya tree...

    For the third day of Christmas my Tutu gave to me
    3 Dried squid
    2 coconuts
    and a Mayna bird in one papaya tree

    For the fourth day of Christmas my Tutu gave to me
    4 Flower Leis
    3 Dried squid
    2 coconuts
    and a Mayna bird in one papaya tree

    For the fifth day of Christmas my Tutu gave to me
    5 Luau pigs!
    4 Flower Leis
    3 Dried squid
    2 coconuts
    and a Mayna bird in one papaya tree

    For the sixth day of Christmas my Tutu gave to me
    6 hula lessons
    5 Luau pigs!
    4 Flower Leis
    3 Dried squid
    2 coconuts
    and a Mayna bird in one papaya tree

    For the seventh day of Christmas my Tutu gave to me
    7 shrimps a swimming
    6 hula lessons
    5 Luau pigs!
    4 Flower Leis
    3 Dried squid
    2 coconuts
    and a Mayna bird in one papaya tree

    For the eigthth day of Christmas my Tutu gave to me
    8 ukuleles
    7 shrimps a swimming
    6 hula lessons
    5 Luau pigs!
    4 Flower Leis
    3 Dried squid
    2 coconuts
    and a Mayna bird in one papaya tree

    For the ninth day of Christmas my Tutu gave to me
    9 Pounds of poi
    8 ukuleles
    7 shrimps a swimming
    6 hula lessons
    5 Luau pigs!
    4 Flower Leis
    3 Dried squid
    2 coconuts
    and a Mayna bird in one papaya tree

    For the tenth day of Christmas my Tutu gave to me
    10 cans of soda
    9 Pounds of poi
    8 ukuleles
    7 shrimps a swimming
    6 hula lessons
    5 Luau pigs!
    4 Flower Leis
    3 Dried squid
    2 coconuts
    and a Mayna bird in one papaya tree

    For the eleventh day of Christmas my Tutu gave to me
    11 televisions
    10 cans of soda
    9 Pounds of poi
    8 ukuleles
    7 shrimps a swimming
    6 hula lessons
    5 Luau pigs!
    4 Flower Leis
    3 Dried squid
    2 coconuts
    and a Mayna bird in one papaya tree

    For the twelfth day of Christmas my Tutu gave to me
    12 missionaries
    11 televisions
    10 cans of soda
    9 Pounds of poi
    8 ukuleles
    7 shrimps a swimming
    6 hula lessons
    5 Luau pigs!
    4 Flower Leis
    3 Dried squid
    2 coconuts
    and a Mayna bird in one papaya tree
    Laissez les bon temps rouler! Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.** a 4 day work week & sex slaves ~ I say Tyt for PRESIDENT! Not to be taken internally, literally or seriously ....Suki ebaynni IS THAT BETTER ?

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