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  1. #1
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    Talking " 'Twas The Night Before Christmas" (nontraditional ) Collection ...

    The Night Before Christmas (Texas Style)

    T'was the night before Christmas, in Texas, you know.
    Way out on the prairie, without any snow.
    Asleep in their cabin, were Buddy and Sue,
    A dreamin' of Christmas, like me and you.

    Not stockings, but boots, at the foot of their bed,
    For this was Texas, what more need be said,
    When all of a sudden, from out of the still night,
    There came such a ruckus, it gave me a fright.

    And I saw 'cross the prairie, like a shot from a gun,
    A loaded up buckboard, come on at a run,
    The driver was "Geein" and "Hawin", with a will,
    The horses (not reindeer) he drove with such skill.

    "Come on there Buck, Poncho, & Prince, to the right,
    There'll be plenty of travelin' for you all tonight."
    The driver in Levi's and a shirt that was red,
    Had a ten-gallon Stetson on top of his head.

    As he stepped from the buckboard, he was really a sight,
    With his beard and moustache, so curly and white.
    As he burst in the cabin, the children awoke,
    And were so astonished, that neither one spoke.

    And he filled up their boots with such presents galore,
    That neither could think of a single thing more.
    When Buddy recovered the use of his jaws,
    He asked in a whisper, "Are you really Santa Claus?"

    "Am I the real Santa? Well, what do you think?"
    And he smiled as he gave a mysterious wink.
    Then he leaped in his buckboard, and called back in his drawl,
    "To all the children in Texas, Merry Christmas, You-all"
    Laissez les bon temps rouler! Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.** a 4 day work week & sex slaves ~ I say Tyt for PRESIDENT! Not to be taken internally, literally or seriously ....Suki ebaynni IS THAT BETTER ?

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  3. #2
    Jolie Rouge's Avatar
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    Re: " 'Twas The Night Before Christmas" (nontraditional ) Collection ...

    THE TEX-MEX VERSION OF "THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS"
    credited to Jim and Nita Lee (Dec. 1972)

    'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the casa,
    Not a creature ws stirring -- Caramba! ¿Qué pasa?
    Los niños were tucked away in their camas,
    Some in long underwear, some in pijamas,

    While hanging the stockings with mucho cuidado
    In hopes that old Santa would feel obligado
    To bring all children, both buenos and malos,
    A nice batch of dulces and other regalos.

    Outside in the yard there arose such a grito
    That I jumped to my feet like a fightened cabrito.
    I ran to the window and looked out afuera,
    And who in the world do you think that it era?

    Saint Nick in a sleigh and a big red sombrero
    Came dashing along like a crazy bombero.
    And pulling his sleigh instead of venados
    Were eight little burros approaching volados.

    I watched as they came and this quaint little hombre
    Was shouting and whistling and calling by nombre:
    "Ay Pancho, ay Pepe, ay Cuco, ay Beto,
    Ay Chato, ay Chopo, Macuco, y Nieto!"

    Then standing erect with his hands on his pecho
    He flew to the top of our very own techo.
    With his round little belly like a bowl of jalea,
    He struggled to squeeze down our old chiminea,

    Then huffing and puffing at last in our sala,
    With soot smeared all over his red suit de gala,
    He filled all the stockings with lovely regalos --
    For none of the niños had been very malos.

    Then chuckling aloud, seeming very contento,
    He turned like a flash and was gone like the viento.
    And I heard him exclaim, and this is verdad,
    Merry Christmas to all, and Feliz Navidad!


    Laissez les bon temps rouler! Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.** a 4 day work week & sex slaves ~ I say Tyt for PRESIDENT! Not to be taken internally, literally or seriously ....Suki ebaynni IS THAT BETTER ?

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    Jolie Rouge's Avatar
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    With apologies to Clement Clarke Moore...



    A Visit From Santa Ginrai

    by Brian J. "Kinzokutaka" Kelly

    'Twas the night before Christmas; I was trying to nap.
    Not a creature was stirring, not even Rattrap.

    Extra-large stockings were hung with huge tacks,
    In hopes that Santa Ginrai might bring them Fort Max!

    Daniel was nestled all snug in his bed,
    Just in time, too, 'cause I was out of my head --
    Carly in her jumpsuit, and I in my cap,
    Were quite a bit sick of putting up with his crap!

    When outside Autobot City there arose such a clatter,
    I leaped from my bed, fearing Megatron's anti-matter.

    Away to the window I flew in a blur,
    And gazed down below, trying to spot Scamper
    This breach of security had better have good reason
    Especially in the midsts of this holiday season.

    But then what did I see, as I readied two blasters?
    But a red rocket-sleigh, and six MicroMasters!
    With huge, well-armed driver, so deadly but spry,
    I knew in a moment it was Santa Ginrai!

    More rapid than Jetfire, his Micros they came,
    And he radioed, and shouted, and called them by name.

    "Now, MOONROCK! now, HEAVE! now, PHASER and BLAST MASTER!
    On, MISSILE MASTER! on BARRAGE! I KNOW you can move FASTER!
    To the top of Autobot City! To the top of the tower!
    We'll brandish our weapons, and make all Destrons cower!"

    Then dry leaves blew 'round, as if Vortex was near
    As Ginrai rocketed up, piloting without fear.
    Godbomber had been modified, and on him Gin flew
    Pulled by six MicroMasters, and rocket-sleds, too.

    And then, up above, I heard on the helipad,
    Ginrai land safely, and boy, was I glad!
    I holstered my blasters, and was turning around,
    When into my living room Gin came with a bound.

    He was wearing power armour, from his head to his foot,
    And was bristling with weaponry, to turn Destrons to soot.
    A large bag of TransFormers he had flung on his back,
    And he looked just like Hubcap as he opened his pack.

    His optics -- they twinkled! His faceplate, how shiny!
    His shoulder cannons glistened, not ONE of them tiny!
    Yet he looked so familiar, I had to spend time
    Wondering just why the hell he looked so much like Prime

    Of course I knew, they were both the same toy,
    But Prime was from Cybertron, Ginrai an Earth boy
    I wanted to ask him, without sounding coy,
    Why the Japanese writers didn't call him 'Convoy'!

    Then I looked at his weapons, and thought it was wise
    Not to piss off a Transformer of such a great size
    But with a wink of the optic and a twist of his head,
    I soon came to realize I had nothing to dread.

    He moved in silence, with the stealth of Nightbird
    And filled all the stockings without even a word.
    Then running outside, he leaped in the air
    And sailed up to the helipad, with anime flair.

    He sprang to his rocket-sled, and radioed his team
    And away they all flew with the speed of Starscream
    But I heard him exclaim, as he blasted from sight,

    "HAPPY CHRISTMAS TO ALL,
    AND TO ALL A GOOD-NIGHT!"

    Laissez les bon temps rouler! Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.** a 4 day work week & sex slaves ~ I say Tyt for PRESIDENT! Not to be taken internally, literally or seriously ....Suki ebaynni IS THAT BETTER ?

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    Jolie Rouge's Avatar
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    Talking Re: " 'Twas The Night Before Christmas" (nontraditional ) Collection ...

    Official AFU Clement Clarke Moore Parody


    --------------------

    Twas the night before Christmas
    throughout AFU.
    Not an Old Hat was posting,
    and lurkers were few.

    The legends were hung
    on the newsfeed with care
    in hopes that the FAQ maven
    soon would be there.

    The newbies who snuggled
    all clutching their mice,
    thought Email from Kibo
    would surely be nice.

    While I in my condom
    and Ma in her teddy
    had just settled down
    for a romp on the beddie.

    When out of the Sparc
    there arose such a clatter,
    I abandoned my S O
    to admin the matter.

    I opened a shell tool
    and typed in some pings.
    I started a daemon
    and other such things.

    In the light of the raster,
    a flickering glow,
    X Windows fell open
    like new flakes of snow.

    Then what I beheld
    made me call to my wife.
    There were dozens of FAQ entries
    coming to life!

    There was Shergold and Blue Star,
    the Hook Hand, the Slasher.
    Pull tabs and kidneys,
    a Gang Headlight Flasher.

    There was Coke in a douche bag,
    a Mexican pet.
    A Vanished Hitch Hiker,
    the scariest yet!

    There were legends and rumours
    and stories galore.
    And when they came at me
    I ran for the door.

    But none of them hurt me,
    they made me their friend.
    They wanted to tell me
    this wasn't the end.

    They'd be there forever,
    and never complain.
    If only we'd post them
    again and again.

    I said I would do so.
    My word had they earned.
    So back to the news group
    they slowly returned.

    And I saw them broadcast,
    As they logged off the net,
    Have a wonderful season!
    The best you can get!
    Laissez les bon temps rouler! Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.** a 4 day work week & sex slaves ~ I say Tyt for PRESIDENT! Not to be taken internally, literally or seriously ....Suki ebaynni IS THAT BETTER ?

  6. #5
    Jolie Rouge's Avatar
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    Thumbs up Re: " 'Twas The Night Before Christmas" (nontraditional ) Collection ...

    I stole this from an AA ng a couple years ago:

    Yet another version of "Twas the Night-":

    "Twas the night before Christmas when all through the hall
    Not a member was stirring, nor sought alcohol.
    Coffee and cookies were set out with care;
    More AA members soon would be there.
    Each grateful member with no trace of vanity,
    Gave thanks to the Power that restores us to sanity.

    The leader of the meeting, like all who have missions,
    Assigned Chapter Five and the Twelve Traditions.
    When outside the hall there arose such a clatter,
    We sprang from our chairs to see what was the matter.
    In parking a car some bumpers were hit,
    The man who was wrong did promptly admit.

    And so to our grateful eyes did appear
    Our famous guest speaker, loved far and near.
    More rapid than eagles the member then came;
    He hugged them and kissed them and called them by name:
    Hi, Alice; 'lo, Jimmy; God love you, Harry...
    Betty and Carol and Birthday boy Larry!

    Again we all settled, ready to share;
    The leader of the meeting led the Serenity Prayer.
    As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly
    When they meet with an obstacle mount to the sky.
    So up to sobriety the members they flew,
    With Twelve Steps to follow, Twelve Traditions, too.

    The Seventh Tradition inevitably came.
    The leader then called on our speaker by name.
    He wore his red suit, a fur cap and no tie,
    But soon let us know with a wink of his eye,
    That Christmas for us, we must learn to think
    Means staying away from the very first drink.

    A bundle of joys he told us we'd find,
    "Read the Big Book for true peace of mind."
    At the end of the meeting he led the Prayer
    and gave us the word: "Continue to share."
    But I heard him exclaim as he picked up his pack,
    "Don't ever forget to Keep Coming Back!"



    - Jamie M.
    Laissez les bon temps rouler! Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.** a 4 day work week & sex slaves ~ I say Tyt for PRESIDENT! Not to be taken internally, literally or seriously ....Suki ebaynni IS THAT BETTER ?

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    Re: " 'Twas The Night Before Christmas" (nontraditional ) Collection ...

    Politically Correct Version of 'The Night Before Christmas!'

    'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
    How to live in a world that's politically correct?
    His workers no longer would answer to "Elves"
    "Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves
    And labor conditions at the north pole
    Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul
    Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety
    Released to the wilds by the Humane Society
    And equal employment had made it quite clear
    That Santa had better not use just reindeer
    So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid
    Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!

    The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
    The ruts were termed dangerous by the E P A
    And people had started to call for the cops
    When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops
    Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened
    His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened"

    And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows
    Rudolf was suing over unauthorised use of his nose
    And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation
    Demanding millions in over-due compensation

    So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife
    Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life
    Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz
    Demanding from now on her title was Ms

    And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
    That making a choice could cause so much commotion
    Nothing of leather, nothing of fur
    Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her
    Nothing that might be construed to pollute
    Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot
    Nothing that clamoured or made lots of noise
    Nothing for just girls. Or just for boys
    Nothing that claimed to be gender specific
    Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific

    No candy or sweets ... they were bad for the tooth
    Nothing that seemed to embellish the truth
    And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden
    Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden
    For they raised the hackles of those psychological
    Who claimed the only good gift was ecological

    No baseball, no football ... someone could get hurt;
    Besides; playing sports exposed kids to dirt
    Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
    And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away

    So Santa just stood there, dishevelled, perplexed;
    He just could not figure out what to do next
    He tried to be merry, tried to be gay
    But you've got to be careful with that word today
    His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
    Nothing fully acceptable was to be found

    Something special was needed, a gift that he might
    Give to all without angering the left or the right
    A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision
    Each group of people, every religion;
    Every ethnicity, every hue
    Everyone, everywhere ... even you
    So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth ...
    "May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth"

    Based on an unoriginal earwig from P Halliwell, December 1996.
    Níl gach uile fhánaí caillte

  8. #7
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    Re: " 'Twas The Night Before Christmas" (nontraditional ) Collection ...

    Twas The Night Before Christmas... In Arizona
    Copyright © 1997 Walt Zientek



    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    "Twas the night before Christmas, too hot for a blizzard,
    Not a creature was stirring,
    Not even the lizard!"

    With me in my cut-offs and Mom in her tube-tops,
    I'm sweating and sunburned
    I pray that the temp drops!

    A fat guy was taken to the hospital today.
    He was racing around
    In a funny old sleigh!

    Wearing red flannel from head to his toes!
    Delivering presents
    All covered with bows.

    We think the heat got him, caused him to fall
    Off of our rooftop,
    He bounced like a ball!

    As the ambulance came,
    I heard him yell,
    "Forget Christmas out here, It's hotter than HELL!"
    <a href=http://i24.photobucket.com/albums/c28/unsocialhippie/thwayne.jpg target=_blank>http://i24.photobucket.com/albums/c2...ie/thwayne.jpg</a>

  9. #8
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    Re: " 'Twas The Night Before Christmas" (nontraditional ) Collection ...

    Why Santa Doesn't Exist
    A theoretical dissertation in trochaic quatrameter
    By Nicole Steinhofer


    Twas the night before Christmas and only God will know
    why there are so many hiatuses for my favorite show.
    Of course, Conan, and Andy and all the rest too,
    could explain to me why they always do.

    Tonight, this laid not heavily on my mind,
    for this year I asked for a present of a different kind.
    To Santa I wrote, "Would you please have a heart,
    and send me that from which I'll never part,

    All I want is a memory or two
    from a Late Night taping I've never gone to.
    All I need is a plane ticket and a seat,
    I know this can't be that big of a feat."

    The next morning I arose with great anticipation.
    As I ran down the stairs, I filled with elation.
    Under the tree, I found not what I wanted,
    but socks and underwear that couldn't be flaunted.

    A note was attached, it explained why,
    and I read it as I let out a great sigh.
    "Dear Nicole, I know this isn't what you'd prefer,
    but it's more practical and all that much cheaper."

    My anger grew like nuclear fission,
    'till I decided to make it my mission.
    I'm sure I wasn't the only one
    to ask for this, and naught have won.

    I took my plea to the most logical of places,
    The Internet had plenty of spaces.
    A certain group I knew would agree,
    and help my cause without a fee.

    And so I started to type away,
    hoping alt.andy would help me in some way.
    Indeed they heard my desperate plea,
    alas, this wrong was not done only by me.

    We hatch a plan not at all mundane,
    to make certain this would not happen again.
    We pawned the undergarments not too late,
    and flew to the Northpole to meet our Fate.

    There we met Santa, cozy by the fire,
    and demanded that which we so much desire.
    When again he refused to grant our wish,
    we killed him with a frozen fish.

    And that is why, to this day,
    Sant cannot be heard to say,
    "Ho, Ho, Ho, and a Merry Christmas too",
    because he messed with the wrong people
    and therefore was skewed.

    Laissez les bon temps rouler! Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.** a 4 day work week & sex slaves ~ I say Tyt for PRESIDENT! Not to be taken internally, literally or seriously ....Suki ebaynni IS THAT BETTER ?

  10. #9
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    Re: " 'Twas The Night Before Christmas" (nontraditional ) Collection ...

    The Sysop's Night Before Christmas

    'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
    Not a peripheral was stirring, not even a mouse.
    The modem was plugged to the phone line with care
    In hopes that a download soon would be there.


    Our pirates were nestled all snug in their beds
    While visions of unprotects danced in their heads.
    And Mama in her kerchief, and I in my cap
    Had just settled down for a long winter's nap.


    When up on the hard drive there arose such a clatter,
    I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
    Away to the monitor I flew like a flash,
    Sat down at the keyboard, gave the spacebar a mash.


    The sight on the screen, all a'flicker with snow,
    Gave the luster of power surge to the menu below.
    When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
    But an autoexec.bat that seemed rather queer.


    With a little print driver so lively and quick,
    I knew in a moment I had seen a new trick.
    More rapid than eagles the cursors they came;
    My MIDI whistled, and shouted, and called them by name!


    "Now Format, now Rename, now Copy, and Enter!
    On Num Lock, on Caps Lock, on Scroll Lock, and Printer!
    "To the top of the page, to the top of the doc,
    Now tab it and bold it and merge it and block!"


    As utilities that build up the CPU speed
    Clash with just the programs I need,
    So up to the screen top the cursors they flew,
    With a RAM full of memory and an expansion board too.


    And then, in a twinkling I heard on the speaker,
    The grinding of the hard drive growing much weaker.
    As I tried to reboot and turn it around,
    The attributes changed from blue into brown.


    I hit the control, the alt, and delete.
    The screen message it gave me, I cannot repeat.
    It asked me to Ignore, Retry, or Abort.
    It told me the parallel had become the comm port.


    Its lights how they twinkled; its pixels how merry,
    Its prompts were all scrambled, like a bowl full of cherries.
    It sounded just like it wanted to blow;
    The screen was suddenly white as the snow.


    It scrolled its directory before my eyes
    With programs I didn't even recognize.
    It wouldn't see D:, it wouldn't see E:;
    I couldn't get out of B: into C:.


    Norton's tried to read it, finally finding the FAT;
    But alas! The disk was faulty, and couldn't reformat.
    Away flew the DBase; away flew the DOS-es;
    Away flew the WordStar; right out with the Windows.


    The spreadsheets were spreading; the footers were headings;
    What once had been memory was close to forgetting.
    When the grinding was over and the smoke had all cleared,
    I looked at the hard drive; it was just as I feared.


    The 600 meg wonder had crashed in the night;
    I'll never be able to block out that sight!
    So tell everyone you know to avoid my plight;
    Back up your files! Merry Christmas! Good Night!
    Níl gach uile fhánaí caillte

  11. #10
    Jolie Rouge's Avatar
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    Thumbs up Re: " 'Twas The Night Before Christmas" (nontraditional ) Collection ...

    YAH !! I was hoping someone would come in and play !!

    Laissez les bon temps rouler! Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.** a 4 day work week & sex slaves ~ I say Tyt for PRESIDENT! Not to be taken internally, literally or seriously ....Suki ebaynni IS THAT BETTER ?

  12. #11
    fatesfaery's Avatar
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    Re: " 'Twas The Night Before Christmas" (nontraditional ) Collection ...

    I love these things!

    Twas a Florida Christmas

    T'was the night before Christmas and all through the town,
    no noses were frozen, no snow fluttered down,
    no children in flannels were tucked into bed,
    they all wore shorty pajamas instead.


    To find wreaths of holly, t'was not very hard,
    for holly trees grew in every back yard.
    In front of the houses, Dads and Moms were
    adorning the bushes and coconut palms.


    The sleeping kiddies were dreaming in glee,
    hoping to find water skis under the tree.
    They all knew that Santa was well on his way,
    in a Mercedes-Benz, instead of a sleigh.


    And soon he arrived and started to work,
    he hadn't a second to linger or shirk.
    He whizzed up the highways and zoomed up the road,
    in a S-L 300, delivering his loads.


    The tropical moon gave the city a glow,
    and lighted the way for old Santa below.
    As he jumped from the auto he gave a wee chuckle,
    he was dressed in Bermudas with an Ivy league buckle,


    There weren't any chimneys, but that caused no gloom,
    for Santa came in through the Florida room.
    He stopped at each house....stayed only a minute,
    emptying his sack of stuff that was in it.


    Before he departed, he treated himself
    to a glass of papaya juice upon the shelf.
    He turned with a jerk and bounced to the car,
    remembering he still had to go very far.


    He shifted the gears and stepped on the gas
    and up Highway 436 he went like a flash.
    And I heard him exclaim as he went on his way,
    "MERRY CHRISTMAS Y'ALL, I WISH I COULD STAY!"
    Níl gach uile fhánaí caillte

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