Thread: " 'Twas The Night Before Christmas" (nontraditional ) Collection ...

The Fight Before Christmas

(With Apologies to Clement C. Moore)


'Twas the fight before Christmas
when all through the house
the tension was rising
'tween in-laws and spouse.

Expecting the onslaught,
she'd shopped, wrapped, and baked,
Mom verged on exhaustion,
her back cramped and ached.
"This year will be perfect!"
determined she vowed
Then she lined up her brood,
and she ordered aloud,

"Now, listen up, kids!
Clean your ears, so you'll hear it!
You'll stop all your whining
and get into the spirit!"

Their kinfolk were traveling
from locales afar,
to watch little Jen
as she held up the Star,
Jeremiah as drummer,
and Jimmy as goat,
and the rest of the rugrats
playing Heavenly Host.
The pastor who cast them,
though 'twas said he was braver
didn't trust Baby Paul
to portray the sweet Savior.

Now the eve of the holiday pageant had come.
The mock angels fluttered,
the wee drummer drummed,
and drummed and he drummed
until Mom thought she'd throttle
that dear little drummer
or go drown in a bottle.

Their haloes cocksure,
they were ready to go.
Aunt Tessie glanced out,
"Oooo, it's starting to snow!"
So back to the closet
for twenty-two boots,
while Gramps sneaked to the sideboard
for a couple of snoots.

Dad paced with impatience,
beating tracks on the floor.
Julie rushed from the house,
clipped one wing in the door.
Momma, on round-up,
was prodding the herd.
Julie wailed with dismay,
"I WILL LOOK LIKE A NERD!"

Loading four vans full,
they skidded to church,
side-swiping two carolers,
came to rest with a lurch,
and disgorged the uncles,
the cousins and aunties,
the angels and livestock,
three Wisemen, and Granny.

When all were assembled
they commanded three pews.
Freckled shepherds processed
and proclaimed the Good News.
Momma leaned on Dad's shoulder,
her stamina tested;
on the other,
the video camera was rested.
Training its lens on his offspring with pride,
disgruntled he found
there was no tape inside.

He cursed much too loud
for his present location.
His pious Aunt Phoebe
prayed for his salvation.
Granny sighed disappointment,
"Tsk, tsk, what a shame."
Momma glared at her husband,
volleyed bullets of blame.

Dad was soundly upbraided
by a clan 'twas adjacent
Poor pastor feared rightly
that brouha' was nascent.
The man behind bellowed,
"Sit down in the front."
Dad howled,
"Go to blazes, you overgrown punk."

How the threats escalated,
I haven't a hunch.
And no one remembers
who threw the first punch.
But the fray that ensued
was a Mother of All
right up to the altar,
'round the heavenly stall.

Fur and feathers were flying,
taunts rang through the air.
There was gnashing of teeth
and the pulling of hair.
The peace of nativity
wrenched by the roar,
the manger upsot,
dolly rolled 'cross the floor.
The choir tried vainly
to scream out the lines,
of the old-fashioned favorite,
'The Tie That Binds.'

Soon the kids took their cue
from their fathers and mothers,
And the air became littered
with the straw and the fodder.
Young oxen were kicking,
little donkeys were braying,
the shepherds' rods snapped
and poor pastor was praying.

Once innocent angels
from heaven were falling,
and even wee Drummer
was biting and brawling.
The candlesticks tottered,
the altar was battered,
the tree lying prone,
pastor's vestments were tattered.

Then sweet, one-winged Julie,
fearing huge conflagration,
was sparked by the blaze of Divine inspiration.
She gathered up all of the cherubs, I'm told,
and began tearing one wing
from each little shoulder.

When the dust finally settled,
only one light remained,
A lone Christmas candle
whose heavenly flame
bathed the children in gold,
with arms 'round each other,
turning angels with black eyes
to sisters and brothers.
Their timorous voices sang out,
'Silent Night,'
overpowering the fracas
and ending the fight.

So this story of angels
with singleton wings,
who like the blest infant,
humbled powerful kings,
taught a lesson of love
to the grown-ups that night:
Only Bearing Each Other Up,
Can We Take Flight.

And the pastor blessed all,
waved them home with relief,
"Merry Christmas. Go Home.
And May God Grant You Peace!"


by Mary C. Ginn, copyright 1992





We are Each of Us Angels with but one wing,
And we can only fly embracing each other.

--L. DeCrescenzo

The Night Before Christmas, Legally Speaking


Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter "the House") a general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not limited to a mouse. A variety of foot apparel, e.g. stocking, socks, etc., had been affixed by and around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or belief that St. Nick a/k/a/ St. Nicholas a/k/a/ Santa Claus hereinafter "Claus") would arrive at sometime thereafter.

The minor residents, i.e. the children, of the aforementioned House were located in their individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations, i.e. dreams, wherein vision of confectionery treats, including, but not limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did dance, cavort and otherwise appear in said dreams. Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter referred to as "I"), being the joint-owner in fee simple of the House with the parts of the second part (hereinafter "Mamma"), and said Mamma had retired for a sustained period of sleep. (At such time, the parties were clad in various forms of headgear, e.g., kerchief and cap.)

Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon the unimproved real property adjacent and appurtenant to said House, i.e. the lawn, a certain disruption of unknown nature, cause and/or circumstance. The party of the first part did immediately rush to a window in the House to investigate the cause of such disturbance. At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with some degree of wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter "the Vehicle") being pulled and/or drawn very rapidly through the air by approximately eight (8) reindeer. The driver of the Vehicle appeared to be, and in fact was, the previously referenced Claus.

Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and guidance to the approximately eight (8) reindeer and specifically identified the animal co-conspirators by name Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen (hereinafter "the Deer"). (Upon information and belief, it is further asserted that an additional co-conspirator named "Rudolph" may have been involved.)

The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle and the Deer intentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs of several residences located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House, and noted that the Vehicle was heavily laden with packages, toys and other items of unknown origin or nature. Suddenly, without prior invitation or permission, either express or implied, the Vehicle arrived at the House, and Claus entered said House via the chimney.

Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which was partially covered with residue from the chimney, and he carried a large sack containing a portion of the aforementioned packages, toys, and other unknown items. He was smoking what appeared to be tobacco in a small pipe in blatant violation of local ordinances and health regulations.

Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the stocking of the minor children, which hung adjacent to the chimney, with toys and other small gifts. (Said items did not, however, constitute "gifts" to said minor pursuant to the applicable provisions of the U.S. Tax Code.) Upon completion of such task, Claus touched the side of his nose and flew, rose and/or ascended up the chimney of the House to the roof where the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or served as "lookouts." Claus immediately departed for an unknown destination.

However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer and Claus from said House, the party of the first part did hear Claus state and/or exclaim "Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!" Or words to that effect.




Thanks to Terry Galan

A parent's night before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house
I searched for the tools to hand to my spouse.
Instructions were studied and we were inspired,
In hopes we could manage "Some Assembly Required."

The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds,
While Dad and I faced the evening with dread:
A kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's town house to boot!
And, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot!


We opened the boxes, my heart skipped a beat....
Let no parts be missing or parts incomplete!
Too late for last-minute returns or replacement;
If we can't get it right, it goes in the basement!

When what to my worrying eyes should appear,
But 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear,
With each part numbered and every slot named,
So if we failed, only we could be blamed.

More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out,
All over the carpet they were scattered about.
"Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there!
Slide on the seats, and staple the stair!
Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand."
"Honey," said hubby, "you just glued my hand."

And then in a twinkling, I knew for a fact
That all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact
To keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night
With "assembly required" till morning's first light.

We spoke not a word, but kept bent at our work,
Till our eyes, they went bleary; our fingers all hurt.
The coffee went cold and the night, it wore thin
Before we attached the last rod and last pin.

Then laying the tools away in the chest,
We fell into bed for a well-deserved rest.
But I said to my husband just before I passed out,
"This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt.

Tomorrow we'll cheer, let the holiday ring,
And not have to run to the store for a thing!
We did it! We did it! The toys are all set
For the perfect, most perfect, Christmas, I bet!"

Then off to dreamland and sweet repose
I gratefully went,
Though I suppose there's something to say
for those self-deluded...
I'd forgotten that batteries are never included!

: : :

OBAMA POEM!!!
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS.


*'Twas the night before elections*
*And all through the town*
*Tempers were flaring*
*Emotions all up and down!*

*I, in my bathrobe*
*With a cat in my lap*
*Had cut off the TV*
*Tired of political crap.*

*When all of a sudden*
*There arose such a noise*
*I peered out of my window*
*Saw Obama and his boys*

*They had come for my wallet*
*They wanted my pay*
*To give to the others*
*Who had not worked a day!*

*He snatched up my money*
*And quick as a wink*
*Jumped back on his bandwagon*
*As I gagged from the stink*

*He then rallied his henchmen*
*Who were pulling his cart*
*I could tell they were out*
*To tear my country apart!*

*" On Fannie, on Freddie, *
*On Biden and Ayers!*
*On Acorn, On Pelosi"*
*He screamed at the pairs!*

*They took off for his cause*
*And as he flew out of sight*
*I heard him laugh at the nation*
*Who wouldn't stand up and fight!*

*So I leave you to think*
*On this one final note-*
*IF YOU DONT WANT SOCIALISM*
*GET OUT AND VOTE!!!!*

58/2,066

In the interests of bipartisanship, I also found a Bush version ...

George W. Bush’s Nightmare Before Christmas.
: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/robert...are-be_b_15139...

Noting that President George Bush is “doing a last minute end-run, jamming as many rules through the executive branch as he can during his waning days in power,” Brave New Films has released “George W. Bush’s Nightmare Before Christmas.” A “satirical spin on the famous poem, ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas,” the film highlights Bush’s last-minute regulatory push:

While children are dreaming
of toys, dolls and ponies,
I’m out here scheming how
to help out my cronies.
Yes to all my pals
in the big corporations.
Here’s my gift to you:
some new regulations.

Watch it: http://thinkprogress.org/2008/12/16/bnf-nightmare/

The Night before Christmas for Moms

It was the night before Christmas, when all thru the abode
Only one creature was stirring, and she was cleaning the commode.
The children were finally sleeping, all snug in their beds,
While visions of Nintendo DS and Barbie, flipped through their heads.

The dad was snoring in front of the TV,
With a half-constructed bicycle on his knee.
So only the mom heard the reindeer hooves clatter,
Which made her sigh, "Now what's the matter?"

With toilet bowl brush still clutched in her hand,
She descended the stairs, and saw the old man.
He was covered with ashes and soot, which fell with a shrug.
"Oh great," muttered the mom, "Now I have to clean the rug."

"Ho-ho-ho!" cried Santa, "I'm glad you're awake."
"Your gift was especially difficult to make."
"Thanks, Santa, but all I want is some time alone."
"Exactly!" he chuckled, "I've made you a clone."

"A clone?" she asked, "What good is that?
Run along, Santa, I've no time for chit-chat."
The mother's twin. Same hair, same eyes,
Same double chin.

"She'll cook, she'll dust," She'll mop every mess.
You'll relax, take it easy, Watch The Young & the Restless."
"Fantastic!" the mom cheered. "My dream come true!
"I'll shop. I'll read., I'll sleep a whole night through! "

From the room above, the youngest began to fret.
"Mommy?! I scared... and I am wet."
The clone replied, "I'm coming, sweetheart."
"Hey," the mom smiled, "She knows her part."

The clone changed the small one, and hummed a tune,
as she bundled the child, in a blanket cocoon.
"You the best mommy ever. " I really love you."
The clone smiled and sighed, "I love you, too."

The mom frowned and said, "Sorry, Santa, no deal. "
That's my child's love, she's trying to steal."
Smiling wisely Santa said, "To me it is clear, "
Only one loving mother, is needed here."

The mom kissed her child, and tucked her into bed.
"Thank you, Santa, for clearing my head.
I sometimes forget, it won't be very long,
When they'll be too old, for my cradle-song."

The clock on the mantle began to chime.
Santa whispered to the clone, "It works every time."
With the clone by his side Santa said,
"Goodnight. Merry Christmas, Mom, You'll be all right."