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  1. #12
    Jolie Rouge's Avatar
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    Re: " 'Twas The Night Before Christmas" (nontraditional ) Collection ...

    This one is special for Fugie !


    A Parody Done in Swedish Dialect


    by Clellan Card on the Northrup, King & Co's. Christmas Program December 23, 1938


    It vas de night before Xmas, ven all tru de place vere I vas staying
    Dere vasn't nobody making no noise, not eefen som mouses
    except my brudder-in-law and he is a rat.
    De stockings vere hanged by de shimney kinda careful
    Because dat feller vit de red knickers vas supposed to be dere.

    De little shavers vas all snug in dere beds
    Vile visions of sugar plums vas dancing in dere heads
    And mama in her curlers and ay in my night shirt
    Had yust vashed our feet for a long vinter's nap.

    Ven out on de Northrup, King lawn dere arose a heck of a noise
    Ay yumped out of may bed to see if it vas de boys,
    Avay to de vindow ay flew like a flash
    Ay coulda made it faster but ay'd yust ate some hash.

    De Moon vas shining on de new snow wot had yust come down
    And it vas kinda shining like it vasn't night
    And vat to my vondering eyes should appear
    But a teeney-weeney sleigh and eight tiny horses.

    Dere vas a tiny little driver - so sudden and quick
    Ay could tell right avay in may night shirt it was yolly St. Nick
    More faster dan eagles his horses dey came
    And he whistled and hollered and called em bad names.

    Now hasher - now trasher - now vixer - now prancer
    On Cosmetics - On Stupid - On Visconsin - On Pittsburg
    To de top of de porch to de top of de vall
    Now pass avay, pass avay, pass out for cat's sake!

    And in two shakes of a skunk's tail ay heard on de roof
    Dose animals monkeying around mit dere feet
    As ay sucked in may head and tripped over de cat
    Down de shimney came Santa Claus flat on his back.

    He vas fat as a old hog - right yolly old elf
    And ay laughed ven ay seen him - ay couldn't help it.
    A vink of his eye and a twist of his head
    Soon gave me to know ay didn't have nothin to vorry about.

    Vat vas left of his pipe he held in his tooth
    And de smoke wrapped around his head like a hoop.
    He was qvite broad in places - he had a round little belly
    Dat shook ven he'd snicker - like a bottle of likker.

    His eyes dey vas glassy - his suit vas de berries,
    His cheeks vas like roses - his nose like some Cherries
    His droll little mouth vas drawed up like a bow
    And de beard on his chin dragged down in de snow.

    He didn't say nothin - but vent straight to his verk
    And put lots of pretty stuff in de hosiery and turned vit a squirt
    And putting his fingers in front of his nose
    He says - "You know me Kids" and, holy smoke! he vas gone.

    He yumped in his big open yob, and to his team gave a vistle
    he had promised em for Christmas
    And dey yumped up and ran like dey had sat on some tistles
    Ay heard him say as he scrammed out of dere :

    "A Snappy Christmas to all and to all - Ay hope yu get vat yu vant."


    Laissez les bon temps rouler! Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.** a 4 day work week & sex slaves ~ I say Tyt for PRESIDENT! Not to be taken internally, literally or seriously ....Suki ebaynni IS THAT BETTER ?

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  3. #13
    Jolie Rouge's Avatar
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    Re: " 'Twas The Night Before Christmas" (nontraditional ) Collection ...

    Twas the night before Christmas on alt.fan.james-bond


    Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house,
    not a troll was working, they must have lost their mouse.
    The Aston Martin was in the Q's for repair,
    with the damage from James Bond when it was in his care.

    The newsgroup posters were all snug by their computers it was said,
    while visions of Vodka martinis danced in their heads.
    When out on the web there arose such a clatter,
    I sprang from my desk to see what was the matter.

    And what to a wondering eyes should appear,
    but 007 with a PPK and a look of devil may care.
    His license to kill glowed with experience so rare,
    he turned out to be a secret agent who you would not dare.

    More rapid than Pentium Processor, the posters they came,
    and he cursed and muttered and called them by name.
    On Feeney ! On Peredur ! On Rhino ! On RMS !
    On Antonio ! On Wiggum ! On Tim Curtin !

    His eyes were of steel, a killer nimble and lean,
    from days of duty and nights of making women scream.
    A wink of his eye and a twitch of his head,
    soon gave me to know that I had nothing to dread.

    He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
    Turning on his Moonraker decoder ring and breaking the code ;
    First killing a troll with a deadly smirk.
    And laying his finger upon the "enter" key,
    the newsgroup came up and he posted briskly.

    He posted and posted so confidently,
    deleting the trolls ; that was necessary.
    He tested Q's gadgets, and they tested well,
    with nary a bomb, and that is all he could tell.

    His posting was finished, his statements were concluded,
    even my statements were included.
    And then Bond exclaimed with a snarl and a bit of hate,
    "You've had your six, but I have eight".


    Laissez les bon temps rouler! Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.** a 4 day work week & sex slaves ~ I say Tyt for PRESIDENT! Not to be taken internally, literally or seriously ....Suki ebaynni IS THAT BETTER ?

  4. #14
    Jolie Rouge's Avatar
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    Re: " 'Twas The Night Before Christmas" (nontraditional ) Collection ...

    An Appalachian Night Before Christmas
    short version


    Twas the night before Christmas, and all throught the hills,
    not a creature was stirrin, cept up by the still.
    Wubba was crying cause Don, Guv, and Moose was in jail,
    in three separate corners tellin each other to go to mmm...

    When up on the rooftop landed, to Gypsy's delight,
    eight flying monkeys, each holding a light.
    With Al in a kilt, standing behind the reins,
    handing out leaflets cussin MTR in refrain.

    And up from the kitchen where Donna's cookies were mixed,
    with little pieces of cash crops, whisperin their attitudes will be fixed.
    (And yall wondered what was hangin in Cameron's barn.)
    With ER writing words, our hearts for to light,
    sayin Merry Christmas to all, and too all a good fight.

    And again .....



    Twas The Night Before Christmas In Appalachia


    Twas the night before Christmas and all through the home place,
    Nary a creature was stirrin', not even a trace.
    The stockings were hung with care over the mantle
    In hopes that they would be filled by Santa.

    The youngins' were asleep in their beds,
    While dreams of peppermint taffy filled their heads.
    And Mamma in her flannels, sound asleep,
    I dare not make a noise, not even a peep.

    When out in the yard I heard such a clatter,
    I ran to the window to see what was the matter.
    As I wiped the frost from the glass,
    I saw what looked like a bright red flash.

    The moon was bright on the new snow,
    It was as bright as day, everything was aglow,
    What I saw, I just couldn't believe,
    My eyes were afoolin' me, my senses took leave.

    A little fat man on a big red sleigh,
    And eight big deer who seemed eager to be play.
    When Ole Blue began to bark,
    The old man whistled and called out in the dark.

    "Now Dasher! Now Dancer! Now Prancer and Vixen!
    On Comet! On Cupid!, On Donder and Blitzen!
    To the top of the porch, to the top of the wall,
    Now dash away, dash away, dash away all!"

    And then before I knew it, I heard them on the roof.
    I just knew my cabin wouldn't hold all those hooves.
    As I wiped the sweat from my brow with my hand,
    Down the chimney came this little fat man.

    He was dressed in fur and smelled like soot,
    Smoke filled the room and fire snapped at his foot.
    He jumped from the fire place and straightened his back,
    And pulled some toys out of his sack.

    As he began to place the gifts under the tree,
    I felt as if he was watching me.
    His eyes were bright and his cheeks were rosy.
    His long white beard looked like Uncle Poseys.

    He had a pink nose and a real fat belly,
    That seemed to shake like Grandma's fresh strawberry jelly.
    He looked at me and gave me a smile,
    I knew then he would only be here for a while.

    He filled the stockings and then turned around,
    Tipped his cap and without a sound,
    Sprang up through the chimney to the top,
    Climbed on his sleigh with a flop.

    Those deer knew exactly what to do,
    Up they went and away they flew.
    But I heard him holler as he flew out of sight,

    "MERRY CHRISTMAS Y'ALL, AND Y'ALL HAVE A GOOD NIGHT!"


    Laissez les bon temps rouler! Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.** a 4 day work week & sex slaves ~ I say Tyt for PRESIDENT! Not to be taken internally, literally or seriously ....Suki ebaynni IS THAT BETTER ?

  5. #15
    Jolie Rouge's Avatar
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    Re: " 'Twas The Night Before Christmas" (nontraditional ) Collection ...

    Some Assembly Required ....


    'Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house
    I searched for the tools to hand to my spouse.
    Instructions were studied and we were inspired,
    in hopes we could manage "Some Assembly Required."
    The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds, while Dad
    and I faced the evening with dread:
    a kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's town house to boot!
    And, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot!
    We opened the boxes, my heart skipped a beat....
    let no parts be missing or parts incomplete!
    Too late for last-minute returns or replacement;
    if we can't get it right, it goes in the basement!
    When what to my worrying eyes should appear,
    but 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear,
    with each part numbered and every slot named,
    so if we failed, only we could be blamed.
    More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out,
    all over the carpet they were scattered about.
    "Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there!
    Slide on the seats, and staple the stair!
    Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand."
    "Honey," said hubby, "you just glued my hand."
    And then in a twinkling, I knew for a fact
    that all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact
    to keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night
    with "assembly required" till morning's first light.
    We spoke not a word, but kept bent at our work,
    till our eyes, they went bleary; our fingers all hurt.
    The coffee went cold and the night, it wore thin
    before we attached the last rod and last pin.
    Then laying the tools away in the chest,
    we fell into bed for a well-deserved rest.
    But I said to my husband just before I passed out,
    "This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt.
    Tomorrow we'll cheer, let the holiday ring,
    and not have to run to the store for a thing!
    We did it! We did it! The toys are all set
    for the perfect, most perfect, Christmas, I bet!"
    Then off to dreamland and sweet repose I gratefully went,
    though I suppose there's something to say for those self-deluded

    I'd forgotten that BATTERIES are never included!


    Laissez les bon temps rouler! Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.** a 4 day work week & sex slaves ~ I say Tyt for PRESIDENT! Not to be taken internally, literally or seriously ....Suki ebaynni IS THAT BETTER ?

  6. #16
    fatesfaery's Avatar
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    Re: " 'Twas The Night Before Christmas" (nontraditional ) Collection ...

    Hippies Night Before Christmas

    'Twas the night before Christmas
    And all through the house,
    Things were real mellow...
    Even Irving, the Mouse.

    Our boots were hung up,
    The incense was lit,
    In hope that St. Nick
    Would soon do his bit.

    The tree was decked out;
    It was really a sight,
    With love beads and flowers
    And a flashing strobe light.

    Wearing my T-shirt
    From Woodstock Nation,
    I was getting into some good meditation.

    And my chick was doing some yoga in bed,
    munching a fruit cake,
    While propped on her head.

    Then...pow!!...in the night...
    ...a hullabaloo!
    It shook the waterbed
    And woke up old Blue.

    I stumbled around
    And tripped on my beard.
    It stuck to my toes
    And felt really wierd.

    When I got to the window,
    I was really uptight,
    'cause the scene I perceived
    Was a mind blowing sight!

    What through my shades
    Did I see through the snow,
    But eight tiny mooses
    And a wild U.F.O.!

    With this hip dude inside,
    Looking kinky and groovy...
    I flashed..."If this ain't Nick
    It must be the late movie."

    They blew in from the cosmos
    Like some far-out caboose
    And this fat cat kept yelling
    At each midget moose:

    "Right on, Dasher! On, Dancer!
    GET IT ON...DO YOUR THING.
    Get your bods in high gear, now,
    And move this machine!"

    Then onto the roof
    They flew with a shout,
    The whole Cosmic Crew
    Really freaked me out!

    They caused such a hassle
    And made such a fuss,
    I thought someone would call
    The fuzz down on us.

    But before I could say, "COOL IT!...
    HOLD DOWN THAT LOUD JIVE,"
    Nick zapped toward the chimney
    And leaped in with a dive!

    As he trucked from the fireplace,
    His smile all agleam,
    I thought, "ITS UNREAL!
    It must be a dream!"

    Then he nodded and said,
    "This isn't a bummer...
    Like, I've come in peace,
    To groove my Yule Number."

    His duds were all fur,
    Trimmed in leather and such
    And he came on stone funky...
    ...he was really too much.

    His back pack was painted
    With black light festoon,
    Full of albums and posters
    And a neon balloon.

    His eyes, a light show!
    His beard, da-glo bright!
    A plastic, fantastic,
    Kaleidoscope sight!

    He looked like a guru,
    This beautiful cat...
    ...I thought, like, wow!
    ...This dude knows where its at!

    "Don't want to sound heavy,"
    He said with a grin,
    "My message is simple
    So dig it, tune in."

    "I brought you some goodies,
    But that's not the thing.
    My real trip is bringing
    Good vibes to this scene."

    So we rapped until dawn
    About Peace, Love and Truth,
    Then he said, "Gotta split, now,
    Or I'll be late in Duluth."

    He wiggled his nose and said,
    "I did my bit"
    And straight up the smoke hole
    This fat cat did split!

    As he sped from the roof
    And into the air,
    He shouted, "Let's get it together,
    All you people down there!"

    "Merry Christmas To All
    And to all a Good Night!"
    And then in a flash,
    He streaked outta sight!
    Níl gach uile fhánaí caillte

  7. #17
    fatesfaery's Avatar
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    Re: " 'Twas The Night Before Christmas" (nontraditional ) Collection ...

    'Twas the Night After Christmas
    By Jeff Foxworthy

    'Twas the night after Christmas and all through the trailer,
    the beer had gone flat and the pizza was staler.
    The tube socks hung empty, no candies or toys,
    and I was camped out on my old Lay-Z-Boy.
    The kids they weren't talking to me or my wife,
    the worst Christmas they said they had had in their lives.
    My wife couldn't argue and neither could I,
    so I watched TV and my wife, she just cried.

    When out in the yard the dog started barkin',
    I stood up and looked and I saw Sheriff Larkin.
    He yelled, "Roy I am sworn to uphold the laws
    and I got a complaint here from a feller named Claus."
    I said, "Claus, I don't know nobody named Claus,
    and you ain't taking me in without probable cause."
    Then the Sheriff he said, "The man was shot at last night."
    I said, "That might have been me, just what's he look like?"
    The Sheriff replied, "He's a jolly old feller, with a big beer gut belly,
    that shakes when he laughs like a bowl full of jelly.
    He sports a long beard, and a nose like a cherry."
    I said, "Sheriff that sounds like my wife's sister Sherri."
    "It's no time for jokes Roy" the Sheriff he said.
    "The man I'm describing is dressed all in red.
    I'm here for the truth now, it's time to come clean.
    Tell me what you've done, tell me what you've seen."
    Well I started to lie then I thought what the hell,
    it wouldn't have been the first time that I've spent New Years in jail.

    I said, "Sheriff it happened last night about ten,
    and I thought that my wife had been drinking again."
    When she walked in from work she was as white as a ghost.
    I thought maybe she had seen one of them UFO's.
    But she said that a bunch of deer had just flown over her head,
    and stopped on the roof of our good neighbour Red.
    Well I ran outside to look and the sight made me shudder,
    a freezer full of venison standing right on Red's gutter.
    Well my hands were a shakin' as I grabbed my gun,
    when outta Red's chimney this feller did run.
    And slung on his back was this bag over flowin'.
    I thought he'd stolen Red's stuff while old Red was out bowling'.
    So I yelled, "Drop fat boy, hands in the air!"
    But he went about his business like he hadn't a care.
    So I popped a warning shot over his head.
    Well he dropped that bag and he jumped in that sled.
    And as he flew off I heard him extort,
    "That's assault with intent Roy, I'll see ya in court."
    Níl gach uile fhánaí caillte

  8. #18
    Jolie Rouge's Avatar
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    Re: " 'Twas The Night Before Christmas" (nontraditional ) Collection ...

    A Darkly Gothic Night Before Christmas

    With somber and tormented apologies to Clement C. Moore



    'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through our house
    was blasting the "St. Vitus Dance" by Bauhaus;
    Torn fishnets were draped on my forearms with care,
    And two cans of Aquanet applied to my hair;

    My thoughts were of graveyards, and horror and dread,
    Black visions of pain and despair in my head;
    And Bianca, whose face was as pale as the moon,
    Had thrown up her arm for this evening's swoon,

    When out by the gravestones there came such a clatter,
    I sprang from the coffin to find out the matter.
    Away to the window I flew like a ghost,
    Expecting to find a dark devilish host.

    The moon on the breast of the uncaring snow
    Threw ominous shadows on objects below,
    When, before my tormented eyes did traverse,
    But a gorgeous black Crane & Breed carved-panel hearse,

    With a gaunt, shrouded driver, who filled me with fear,
    And eight skeletal creatures that might have been deer.
    More rapid than vultures his coursers they came,
    And his deep Andrew Eldritch voice called them by name;

    Now, Murphy! Now, Morgoth! Now, Torment and Woe!
    On, Dreadful! On, Lovecraft! Mephisto and Poe!
    To the top of the gravestones where fog wisps its breath!
    With a weight on my soul I consign you to death!

    As dead leaves that before hellish hurricanes fly,
    When they flutter like giant bats' wings to the sky,
    So up to the crypt-top the coursers they leapt,
    While dearest Bianca, like death, still but slept.

    And then, to my horror, I heard on the roof
    The clicking and scratching of each bone-white hoof.
    As I drew in my arm, and was whirling around,
    Down the ebony chimney he came without sound.

    He was clad all in black, and he looked oh-so-goth,
    A billowy ensemble of crushed velvet cloth;
    His boots were knee-high, quite buckled and zipped,
    And the Spandex and fishnets 'round his legs were ripped.

    His eyes glowed with bluish fire, deathly and cold,
    A black eye-liner'd face neither youthful nor old.
    A broad lipless mouth drawn with torment and hurt,
    And his sorrowful face was as white as my shirt.

    A smoldering cigarette tight in his grasp,
    Its smoke curling eerily 'round his cloak clasp;
    His gaunt frame was topped with long ebon hair,
    And a sharp scent of brimstone and cloves choked the air.

    His arms were outspread in the shape of a cross,
    And I quailed when I saw him, feeling sorrow and loss;
    He narrowed his eyes with a twist of his head,
    And I felt the full weight of his angst and dread.

    He spoke not a word, but went straight to his task,
    Left some Dead Can Dance CD's; before I could ask,
    A single tear fell across his aquiline nose,
    And then, like an angel, up the chimney he rose;

    He sprang to his hearse, to his team he then hissed,
    And away they all drifted like early dawn's mist.
    But I heard him intone, ere he vanished from sight,

    "Gothic Christmas to all, and to all a good fright!"
    Last edited by Jolie Rouge; 11-28-2004 at 11:34 PM.
    Laissez les bon temps rouler! Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.** a 4 day work week & sex slaves ~ I say Tyt for PRESIDENT! Not to be taken internally, literally or seriously ....Suki ebaynni IS THAT BETTER ?

  9. #19
    Jolie Rouge's Avatar
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    Re: " 'Twas The Night Before Christmas" (nontraditional ) Collection ...

    Twas a Star Trek Christmas



    'Twas the night before Christmas on the Enterprise-D,
    On a routine short hop to Starbase 03,
    With Data on duty in the command chair,
    At Warp 6, the Enterprise soon would be there.

    Just for something to do while the other crew slept,
    He scanned where historical records were kept --
    And with a blink of his eye and a cock of his head,
    "Intriguing! Tomorrow is Christmas!" he said.

    But no one was stirring, and he sought to find why,
    And so he buzzed Geordi, who awoke with a sigh:
    "Christmas? It's only an old holiday --
    Now just let me get back to sleep, okay?"

    "But is to wish Merry Christmas not human to do?"
    And so Data wished it -- to the whole ship and crew.
    Everyone on the Enterprise awoke from this clatter --
    Picard rushed to the bridge to see what was the matter.

    "What is the meaning of this noise, Mister Data?"
    "Sir, is it not Christmas--?" "We'll discuss it much later!"

    Just then Worf said, "Captain -- a Klingon Prey Bird!
    Its hull has been damaged -- it's uncloaking, sir."
    "On screen," said Picard, as the Klingon ship hailed:
    "Federation vessel, our Life Support systems have failed!

    A strange ship attacked us, inflicting the worst,
    (though naturally, of course, we'd fired on it first)."

    The Klingons beamed over, and the senior staff met,
    To try and determine the source of the threat.
    Said Picard, "Mister Data, an assignment for you:
    Give all of these Klingons something to do!
    They think it's the Romulans we should look for,
    Get them all off the bridge, before there's a war!"

    So Data departed, while the rest of the crew
    Wondered: Romulans? Ferengi? If not them, then who?

    Said Worf, "Sir -- disturbance on Holodeck Three!"
    The entire bridge crew ran down there to see.
    Roared Picard, "Mister Data, what the devil is this!!"
    "Sir, I have taught the Klingons how to celebrate Christmas."

    And so there they were -- on holodecks 3, 4 and 5
    With synthohol, singing and Rokeg Blood Pie!
    Soon the Big E was rocking with holiday cheer
    Friend,foe, and family came from both far and near.

    The Romulans showed up with some Romulan Ale,
    The Ferengi brought goodies for free -- not for sale!
    But a strange ship was coming, the captain was told,
    With one crew member only, and a huge cargo hold.

    Said the Klingons, "It's the strange ship that fought us -- attack!"
    Said Picard, "On Christmas? -- Mister Worf, just hold back."
    And then as the ship came into view,
    Onscreen came its captain -- none other than Q!

    He wore a white beard and a suit of deep red...
    "Joyeux Noel, mon captain," was what Santa Q said.
    "Tell those Klingons next time to not go so berserk.
    You need good defense systems in this line of work.
    Now if you'll excuse me, I'll be warping away...
    Did you think anyone else could do this job in one day?"

    "I'm sensing emotion," said Counselor Troi,
    "Peace in the galaxy, Good Will and Joy."
    And they stood on the bridge
    and watched Q take flight, shouting,

    "MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT!"





    Laissez les bon temps rouler! Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.** a 4 day work week & sex slaves ~ I say Tyt for PRESIDENT! Not to be taken internally, literally or seriously ....Suki ebaynni IS THAT BETTER ?

  10. #20
    Jolie Rouge's Avatar
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    Re: " 'Twas The Night Before Christmas" (nontraditional ) Collection ...

    Twas The Night Before The Finals



    Twas the night before finals, and all through the lab
    Not a student was sleeping, not even McNabb.
    Their projects were finished, completed with care
    In hopes that the grades would be easy (and fair).


    The students were wired with caffeine in their veins
    While visions of quals nearly drove them insane.
    With piles of books and a brand new highlighter,
    I had just settled down for another all nighter ---


    When out from our gateways arose such a clatter,
    I sprang from my desk to see what was the matter;
    Away to the console I flew like a flash,
    And logged in as root to fend off a crash.


    The windows displayed on my brand new Sun-3,
    Gave oodles of info --- some in 3-D.
    When, what to my burning red eyes should appear
    But dozens of "nobody" jobs. Oh dear!


    With a blitzkrieg invasion, so virulent and firm,
    I knew in a moment, it was Morris's Worm!
    More rapid than eagles his processes came,
    And they forked and exec'ed and they copied by name:


    "Now Dasher! Now Dancer! Now, Prancer and Vixen!
    On Comet! On Cupid! On Donner and Blitzen!
    To the sites in .rhosts and host.equiv
    Now, dash away! dash away! dash away all!"


    And then in a twinkling, I heard on the phone,
    The complaints of the users. (Thought I was alone!)
    "The load is too high!" "I can't read my files!"
    "I can't send my mail over miles and miles!"


    I unplugged the net, and was turning around,
    When the worm-ridden system went down with a bound.
    I fretted. I frittered. I sweated. I wept.
    Then finally I core dumped the worm in /tmp.


    It was smart and pervasive, a right jolly old stealth,
    And I laughed, when I saw it, in spite of myself.
    A look at the dump of that invasive thread
    Soon gave me to know we had nothing to dread.


    The next day was slow with no network connections,
    For we wanted no more of those pesky infections.
    But in spite of the news and the noise and the clatter,
    Soon all became normal, as if naught were the matter.


    Then later that month while all were away,
    A virus came calling and then went away.
    The system then told us, when we logged in one night:

    "Happy Christmas to all! (You guys aren't so bright.)"


    Laissez les bon temps rouler! Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.** a 4 day work week & sex slaves ~ I say Tyt for PRESIDENT! Not to be taken internally, literally or seriously ....Suki ebaynni IS THAT BETTER ?

  11. #21
    Jolie Rouge's Avatar
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    Re: " 'Twas The Night Before Christmas" (nontraditional ) Collection ...

    Al Bundy's Christmas Eve


    'Twas the night before Christmas,
    And all through the house,
    No food was a-stirrin',
    Not even a mouse.


    Stockings were hung round
    Dad's nick like a tie,
    Along with a note that said,
    "Presents or die."


    Children were plotting
    All night in their beds,
    While the wife's constant whining
    Was splitting his head.


    But daddy had money
    This year in the bank,
    Then they closed up early,
    And now dad's in a tank.


    All of a sudden,
    Santa appeared,
    A sneer on his face,
    Booze in his beard.


    "Santa," I said,
    As he laughed merrily,
    "You do so much for others,
    Do something for me."


    "Bundy," he said,
    "You only sell shoes,
    Your son is a sneak thief,
    Your daughter's a floose."


    "Ho ho," Santa said,
    "Should I mention your wife?
    Her hair's like an A-bomb,
    Her nails like a knife."


    He climbs up the chimney,
    That fat piece of dung,
    He mooned me two times,
    He stuck out his tongue.


    I heard him exclaim,
    As he broke wind with glee,

    "You're married with children,
    You'll never be free."

    Laissez les bon temps rouler! Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.** a 4 day work week & sex slaves ~ I say Tyt for PRESIDENT! Not to be taken internally, literally or seriously ....Suki ebaynni IS THAT BETTER ?

  12. #22
    Jolie Rouge's Avatar
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    Re: " 'Twas The Night Before Christmas" (nontraditional ) Collection ...

    Twas A Computer Christmas


    T'was the night before Christmas, and all through the shop,
    The computers were whirring; they never do stop.
    The power was on and the temperature right,
    In hopes that the input would feed back that night.

    The system was ready, the program was coded,
    And memory drums had been carefully loaded;
    While adding a Christmasy glow to the scene,
    The lights on the console, flashed red, white and green.

    When out in the hall there arose such a clatter,
    The programmer ran to see what was the matter.
    Away to the hallway he flew like a flash,
    Forgetting his key in his curious dash.
    He stood in the hallway and looked all about,
    When the door slammed behind him, and he was locked out.

    Then, in the computer room what should appear,
    But a miniature sleigh and eight tiny reindeer;
    And a little old man, who with scarcely a pause,
    Chuckled: "My name is Santa...the last name is Claus."

    The computer was startled, confused by the name,
    Then it buzzed as it heard the old fellow exclaim:
    "This is Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen,
    And Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen."

    With all these odd names, it was puzzled anew;
    It hummed and it clanked, and a main circuit blew.
    It searched in its memory core, trying to "think";
    Then the multi-line printer went out on the blink.

    Unable to do its electronic job,
    It said in a voice that was almost a sob:
    "Your eyes - how they twinkle - your dimples so merry,
    Your cheeks so like roses, your nose like a cherry,

    Your smile - all these things, I've been programmed to know,
    And at data-recall, I am more than so-so;
    But your name and your address (computers can't lie),
    Are things that I just cannot identify.

    You've a jolly old face and a little round belly,
    That shakes when you laugh like a bowlful of jelly;
    My scanners can see you, but still I insist,
    Since you're not in my program, you cannot exist!"

    Old Santa just chuckled a merry "ho, ho",
    And sat down to type out a quick word or so.
    The keyboard clack-clattered, its sound sharp and clean,
    As Santa fed this "data" to the machine:

    "Kids everywhere know me; I come every year;
    The presents I bring add to everyone's cheer;
    But you won't get anything - that's plain to see;
    Too bad your programmers forgot about me."
    Then he faced the machine and said with a shrug,

    "Merry Christmas to All," as he pulled out its plug!
    Last edited by Jolie Rouge; 11-28-2004 at 11:50 PM. Reason: Opps ! Copied "The Sysop's Night Before Christmas"
    Laissez les bon temps rouler! Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.** a 4 day work week & sex slaves ~ I say Tyt for PRESIDENT! Not to be taken internally, literally or seriously ....Suki ebaynni IS THAT BETTER ?

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