Thread: Kerry jokes to share

Last one I promise! These were just too funny not to share.


'Shrek 2' made over $120 million during its first week. In a related story, John Kerry asked Shrek to marry him." —Conan O'Brien

"President Bush listed his income as $822,000. You know what John Kerry calls someone who earns $822,000? Not even worth dating." —Jay Leno

"John Kerry fell off of his bicycle over the weekend. He went for a Sunday afternoon ride, fell off in front of the news media. Luckily, his hair broke the fall so it's not as serious. ... Thankfully, Senator Kerry was not seriously injured. In fact, when the police arrived, Kerry was well enough to give conflicting reports to the officers about what happened." —Jay Leno

"John Kerry accused President Bush of catering to the rich. You know, as opposed to John Kerry who just marries them." —Jay Leno

"John Kerry will undergo surgery to repair his right shoulder. He originally hurt it when he suddenly switched positions on Iraq." —Craig Kilborn

"We make jokes about it but the truth is this presidential election really offers us a choice of two well-informed opposing positions on every issue. OK, they both belong to John Kerry, but they're still there." —Jay Leno

"Yesterday Senator John Kerry changed his mind and now supports the ban on gay marriages. I'm telling you this guy has more positions than Paris Hilton." —David Letterman

"They had a profile of John Kerry on the news and they said his first wife was worth around $300 million and his second wife, his current wife, is worth around $700 million. So when John Kerry says he's going after the wealthy in this country, he's not just talking. He's doing it!" —Jay Leno

"John Kerry said today that he wants to get rid of tax cuts for the rich and his wife said, 'Hey, shut up! What's the matter with you?! Are you nuts?!'" —Jay Leno

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Hehehehe those are some good ones.

How about just one more. From David Letterman.

Bush and Kerry's views on gay marriage:

Bush- Opposed

Kerry- Undecided but said he would marry a dude if it would get him elected.