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    Talking Twas the Night Before Christmas ... Collection

    'Twas The (Politically Correct) Night Before Christmas


    'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
    How to live in a world that's politically correct?
    His workers no longer would answer to "Elves".
    "Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
    And labor conditions at the north pole
    Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.

    Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
    Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
    And equal employment had made it quite clear
    That Santa had better not use just reindeer.

    So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
    Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!

    The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
    The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
    And people had started to call for the cops
    When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.

    Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
    His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."

    And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
    Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose
    And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
    Demanding millions in over-due compensation.

    So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
    Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
    Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
    Demanding from now on her title was Ms.

    And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
    That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
    Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
    Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.

    Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
    Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
    Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
    Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.

    Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
    Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.



    No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
    Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
    And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
    Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.

    For they raised the hackles of those psychological
    Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.

    No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
    Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
    Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
    And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.

    So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
    He just could not figure out what to do next.

    He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
    you've got to be careful with that word today.
    His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
    Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.

    Something special was needed, a gift that he might
    Give to all without angering the left or the right.
    A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
    Each group of people, every religion;

    Every ethnicity, every hue,
    Everyone, everywhere...even you.
    So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
    "May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."
    Laissez les bon temps rouler! Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.** a 4 day work week & sex slaves ~ I say Tyt for PRESIDENT! Not to be taken internally, literally or seriously ....Suki ebaynni IS THAT BETTER ?

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    'Twas The Night Before Christmas - Computer Version

    'Twas the night before Christmas,
    and all through the shop,
    The computers were whirring;
    they never do stop.

    The power was on
    and the temperature right,
    In hopes that the input
    would feed back that night.

    The system was ready,
    the program was coded,
    And memory drums
    had been carefully loaded;

    While adding a Christmasy
    glow to the scene,
    The lights on the console,
    flashed red, white and green.

    When out in the hall
    there arose such a clatter,
    The programmer ran
    to see what was the matter.

    Away to the hallway
    he flew like a flash,
    Forgetting his key
    in his curious dash.

    He stood in the hallway
    and looked all about,
    When the door slammed behind him,
    and he was locked out.

    Then, in the computer room
    what should appear,
    But a miniature sleigh
    and eight tiny reindeer;

    And a little old man,
    who with scarcely a pause,
    Chuckled: "My name is Santa
    ...the last name is Claus."

    The computer was startled,
    confused by the name,
    Then it buzzed as it heard
    the old fellow exclaim:

    "This is Dasher and Dancer
    and Prancer and Vixen,
    And Comet and Cupid
    and Donner and Blitzen."

    With all these odd names,
    it was puzzled anew;
    It hummed and it clanked,
    and a main circuit blew.

    It searched in its memory core,
    trying to "think";
    Then the multi-line printer
    went out on the blink.

    Unable to do its electronic job,
    It said in a voice
    that was almost a sob:

    "Your eyes - how they twinkle
    - your dimples so merry,
    Your cheeks so like roses,
    your nose like a cherry,

    Your smile - all these things,
    I've been programmed to know,
    And at data-recall,
    I am more than so-so;

    But your name and your address
    (computers can't lie),
    Are things that I just
    cannot identify.

    You've a jolly old face
    and a little round belly,
    That shakes when you laugh
    like a bowl full of jelly;

    My scanners can see you,
    but still I insist,
    Since you're not in my program,
    you cannot exist!"

    Old Santa just chuckled
    a merry "ho, ho",
    And sat down to type out
    a quick word or so.

    The keyboard clack-clattered,
    its sound sharp and clean,
    As Santa fed this "data"
    into the machine:

    "Kids everywhere know me;
    I come every year;
    The presents I bring
    add to everyone's cheer;

    But you won't get anything
    - that's plain to see;
    Too bad your programmers
    forgot about me."

    Then he faced the machine
    and said with a shrug,
    "Merry Christmas to All,"
    as he pulled out its plug,
    "And to all, a good night!"
    Laissez les bon temps rouler! Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.** a 4 day work week & sex slaves ~ I say Tyt for PRESIDENT! Not to be taken internally, literally or seriously ....Suki ebaynni IS THAT BETTER ?

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    Star Trek:The Next Generation NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS

    'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the ship
    Not a circuit was buzzing, not one microchip;
    The phasers were hung in the arm'ry securely,
    In hope that no aliens would get up early.

    The crewmen were nestled all snug in their bunks
    (Except for the few who were partying drunks);
    And Picard in his nightshirt and Bev in her lace,
    Had just settled down for a neat face-to-face.

    When out in the halls there arose such a racket,
    That we leapt from our beds, pulling on pants and jacket.
    Away to the lifts we all shot like a gun,
    Leapt into the cars and yelled loudly, "Deck One!"

    The bridge Red-Alert lights, which flashed through the din,
    Gave a luster of Hades to objects within.
    When, what, on the viewscreen, should our eyes behold,
    But a weird kind of sleigh, and some geek who looked old.

    But the glint in his eyes was so strange and askew,
    That we knew in a moment it had to be Q.
    His sleigh grew larger as closer he came.
    Then he zapped on the bridge and addressed us by name;

    "It's Riker! It's Data! It's Worf and Jean-Luc!
    It's Geordi! And Wesley, the genetic fluke!
    To the top of the bridge, to the top of the hall!
    Now float away, float away, float away all!"

    As leaves in autumn are whisked off the street,
    So the floor of the bridge came away from our feet,
    And up the ceiling our bodies they flew,
    As the captain called out, "What the hell is this Q?!"

    The prankster just laughed and expanded his grin,
    And, snapping his fingers, he vanished again.
    As we took in our plight and were looking around,
    The spell was removed, and we crashed to the ground.

    The Q, dressed in fur from his head to his toe,
    Appeared once again to continue the show.
    "That's enough!" cried the captain, "You'll stop this at once!"
    And Riker said, "Worf! Take your aim at this dunce!"

    "I'm deeply offended, Jean-Luc," replied Q.
    "I just wanted to spend Christmas with you."
    As we scoffed at his words, he produced a large sack.
    He dumped out the contents, and took a step back.

    "I've brought gifts," he said, "just to show I'm sincere.
    There's something delightful for everyone here."
    He sat on the floor and dug into the pile,
    And handed out gifts with his most charming smile.

    "For Counselor Troi, there's no need to explain,
    Here's Tylenol-Beta for all of your pain.
    For Worf I've got mints as his breath's not too great,
    And for Geordi LaForge, an inflatable date.

    For Wesley, some hormones, and Clearasil-Plus:
    For Data, a joke book; for Riker, a truss.
    For Beverly Crusher, there's sleek lingerie,
    And for Jean-Luc, the thrill of seeing her that way."

    Then he sprang to his feet with that grin on his face,
    And, clapping his hands, disappeared into space.
    But we heard him exclaim as he dwindled from sight,
    "Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good flight!"


    Laissez les bon temps rouler! Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.** a 4 day work week & sex slaves ~ I say Tyt for PRESIDENT! Not to be taken internally, literally or seriously ....Suki ebaynni IS THAT BETTER ?

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    The Night before Christmas for MOMs

    'Twas was the night before Christmas,
    when all thru the abode,
    only one creature was stirring,
    and she was cleaning the commode.

    The children were finally sleeping,
    all snug in their beds,
    while visions of Nintendo 64 and Barbie,
    flipped through their heads.

    The dad was snoring
    in front of the TV,
    with a half-constructed bicycle
    perched on his knee.

    So only the mom heard
    the reindeer hooves clatter,
    which made her sigh,
    "Now what's the matter?"

    With toilet bowl brush
    still clutched in her hand,
    she descended the stairs,
    and saw the old man.

    He was covered with ashes and soot,
    which fell with a shrug.
    "Oh great," muttered the mom,
    "Now I have to clean the rug."

    "Ho-ho-ho!" cried Santa,
    "I'm glad you're awake."
    "Your gift was especially
    difficult to make."

    "Thanks, Santa, but all I want
    is some time alone."
    "Exactly!" he chuckled,
    "I've made you a clone."

    "A clone?" she asked,
    "What good is that?
    Run along, Santa,
    I've no time for chit-chat."

    The mother's twin.
    Same hair, same eyes,
    same double chin.
    "She'll cook, she'll dust, "
    she'll mop every mess.
    You'll relax, take it easy,
    watch The Young & the Restless."

    "Fantastic!" the mom cheered.
    "My dream come true!
    I'll shop. I'll read.,
    I'll sleep a whole night through! "

    From the room above,
    the youngest began to fret.
    "Mommy?! I scared...
    and I 'm wet."

    The clone replied,
    "I'm coming, sweetheart."
    "Hey," the mom smiled,
    "She knows her part."

    The clone changed the small one,
    and then hummed a tune,
    as she bundled the child,
    in a blanket cocoon.

    "You the best mommy ever.
    I really love you."
    The clone smiled and sighed,
    "I love you, too."

    The mom frowned and said,
    "Sorry, Santa, no deal. "
    That's my child's love,
    she's trying to steal."

    Smiling wisely Santa said,
    "To me it is clear, "
    Only one loving mother,
    is needed here."

    The mom kissed her child,
    and tucked her into bed.
    "Thank you, Santa, "
    for clearing my head.

    I sometimes forget,
    it won't be very long,
    when they'll be too old,
    for my cradle-song."

    The clock on the mantle
    began to chime.
    Santa whispered to the clone,
    "It works every time."

    With the clone by his side
    Santa said, "Goodnight.
    Merry Christmas, Mom,
    You'll be all right.

    --- Author unknown
    Laissez les bon temps rouler! Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.** a 4 day work week & sex slaves ~ I say Tyt for PRESIDENT! Not to be taken internally, literally or seriously ....Suki ebaynni IS THAT BETTER ?

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    Just remember to read the manual first!


    A Parents Night Before Christmas


    'Twas the night before Christmas
    when all through the house
    I searched for the tools
    to hand to my spouse.

    Instructions were studied
    and we were inspired,
    In hopes we could manage
    "Some Assembly Required."

    The children were quiet
    (not asleep) in their beds,
    While Dad and I faced
    the evening with dread:

    A kitchen, two bikes,
    Barbie's town house to boot!
    And, thanks to Grandpa,
    a train with a toot!

    We opened the boxes,
    my heart skipped a beat....
    Let no parts be missing
    or parts incomplete!

    Too late for last-minute returns
    or replacement;
    If we can't get it right,
    it goes in the basement!

    When what to my worrying eyes
    should appear,
    But 50 sheets of directions,
    concise, but not clear,

    With each part numbered
    and every slot named,
    So if we failed,
    only we could be blamed.

    More rapid than eagles
    the parts then fell out,
    All over the carpet
    they were scattered about.

    "Now bolt it! Now twist it!
    Attach it right there!
    Slide on the seats,
    and staple the stair!

    Hammer the shelves,
    and nail to the stand."
    "Honey," said hubby,
    "you just glued my hand."

    And then in a twinkling,
    I knew for a fact
    That all the toy dealers
    had indeed made a pact

    To keep parents busy
    all Christmas Eve night
    With "assembly required"
    till morning's first light.

    We spoke not a word,
    but kept bent at our work,
    Till our eyes, they went bleary;
    our fingers all hurt.

    The coffee went cold
    and the night, it wore thin
    Before we attached
    the last rod and last pin.

    Then laying the tools
    away in the chest,
    We fell into bed
    for a well-deserved rest.

    But I said to my husband
    just before I passed out,
    "This will be the best Christmas,
    without any doubt.

    Tomorrow we'll cheer,
    let the holiday ring,
    And not have to run
    to the store for a thing!

    We did it! We did it!
    The toys are all set
    For the perfect, most perfect,
    Christmas, I bet!"

    Then off to dreamland and sweet repose
    I gratefully went,
    Though I suppose there's something
    to say for those self-deluded...

    I'd forgotten that BATTERIES
    are never included!
    Laissez les bon temps rouler! Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.** a 4 day work week & sex slaves ~ I say Tyt for PRESIDENT! Not to be taken internally, literally or seriously ....Suki ebaynni IS THAT BETTER ?

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    'Twas the Night before Christmas,
    And Santa's MAD


    Twas the night before Christmas
    old Santa was pissed,
    He cussd out the elves
    and threw down his list.

    Miserable little brats,
    Ungrateful little jerks.
    I have a good mind,
    To scrap the whole works.

    I've busted my butt
    for dang near a year
    Instead of "Thanks Santa"
    what do I hear...

    The old lady pitches
    cause I work late at night,
    the elves want more money -
    And the reindeer all fight.

    Rudolph got drunk
    and goosed all the maids.
    Donner is Pregnant
    Vixon has AIDS

    And just when I thought
    That things would get better,
    The IRS,
    They sent me a letter.

    They say I owe taxes,
    If that aint durn funny..
    Who the heck ever
    Sent Santa any money?

    And the kids these days,
    They all are the pits.
    They want the impossible,
    Those mean little chits.

    I spent a whole year
    Making wagons and sleds
    with no request for them
    They want computers and Robots,
    They think I am IBM

    If you think that is bad
    Picture this..
    Try holding those brats
    with their pants full of .....

    They pull on my nose,
    They grab at my beard
    And if I don't smile,
    The parents think I'm weird

    Flying through the air,
    Dodging the trees.
    Falling down chimneys
    And skinning my knees.

    I quit this job,
    There is just no enjoyment
    I'm going to sit on my fat rear
    And collect unemployment

    There is NO Christmas this year
    Now you know the reason
    I found me a blonde
    and heading SOUTH for the season....
    Laissez les bon temps rouler! Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.** a 4 day work week & sex slaves ~ I say Tyt for PRESIDENT! Not to be taken internally, literally or seriously ....Suki ebaynni IS THAT BETTER ?

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    The Night Before Christmas in Brooklyn

    'Twas the night before Christmas,
    Da whole house was mella,
    Not a creature was strirrin',
    Cuz I had a gun unda da pilla.

    When up on da roof
    I heard somethin' pound,
    I sprung to da window,
    To scream, "YO! Keep it down!"

    When what to my
    Wanderin' eyes should appear,
    But da Don of all elfs,
    And eight friggin' reindeer!

    Wit' slicked back black hair,
    And a silk red suit,
    Don Christopher wuz here,
    And he brought da loot!

    Wit' a slap to dare snouts
    And a yank on dare manes,
    He cursed and he shouted
    And he called dem by name

    "Yo Tony, Yo Frankie,
    Yo Vinny, Yo Vito,
    Ay Joey, Ay Paulie,
    Ay Pepe, Ay Guido!"

    As I drew out my gun
    And hid by da bed,
    He flew troo da winda
    And slapped me 'side da head.

    "What da he!! you doin'
    Pullin' a gun on da Don?
    Now all you're gettin' is coal,
    You friggin' moron!"

    Den pointin' a fat finga
    Right unda my nose,
    He twisted his pinky ring,
    And up da chimney he rose.

    He sprang to his sleigh,
    Obscenities screamin',
    Away dey all flew,
    Before he troo dem a beatin'.

    Den I heard him yell out,
    What I did least expect,
    "Merry Friggin' Christmas to all,
    And yous better show some respect!"
    Laissez les bon temps rouler! Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.** a 4 day work week & sex slaves ~ I say Tyt for PRESIDENT! Not to be taken internally, literally or seriously ....Suki ebaynni IS THAT BETTER ?

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    OPERATION ORDER 12-98
    FOR: OFFICIAL VISIT OF LT jg SANTA CLAUS


    1. An official staff visit by LT jg Claus is expected at this post on 25 Dec. The following directives govern activities of all Army personnel during the visit.

    a. Not a creature will stir without permission. This includes warrant officers and mice. Soldiers may obtain special stirring permits for necessary administrative action through the Battalion S-1. Officer stirring permits must be obtained through the Deputy, Post Plans and Policy Office.

    b. All personnel will settle their brains for a long winter nap NLT 2200 hours, 24 December. Uniform for the nap will be; Pajamas, Cotton, Light Weight, General Purpose, OG, and Cap, BDU woodland pattern, with ear flaps in the extended position. Equipment will be drawn from the supply room prior to 1900 hours. While at supply, all personnel will review their personal hand receipts and sign a Cash Collection Voucher, DD Form 1131, for all missing items. Remember, this is the "season of giving."

    c. Personnel will utilize standard "T" ration sugar plums for visions to dance through their heads. Sugar plums are available in "T" ration sundry packs and should be eaten with egg loaf, chopped ham, and spice cake to ensure maximum visions are experienced.

    d. Stockings, Wool, Cushion Sole, will be hung by the chimneys with care. Necessary safety precautions will be taken to avoid fires caused by carelessly hung stockings. 1SG's will submit stocking handling plans to S-3, Training prior to 0800 hours, 24 Dec. All leaders will ensure their subordinate personnel are briefed on the safety aspects of stocking hanging.

    e. At first [sign] of clatter, all personnel will spring from their beds to investigate and evaluate the cause. Immediate action will be taken to tear open the shutters and throw up the window sashes. On order OPLAN 7-97 (North Pole), para 6-8 (c)(3), dated 4 March, this office, takes effect to facilitate shutter
    tearing and sash throwing. SDO and all CQs will be familiar with procedures and are responsible for seeing that no shutters are torn or sashes thrown in Bldg 9828 prior to the start of official clatter.

    f. Prior to 0001, date of visit, all personnel possessing Standard Target Acquisition and Night Observation (STANO) equipment will be assigned "wandering eyeball" stations. The SDNCO will ensure that these stations are adequately manned even after shutters are torn and sashes are thrown.

    g. The Battalion S-4, in coordination with the National Security Agency and the Motor Pool will assign on each Sleigh, Miniature, M-24 and eight reindeer, tiny, for use by LT jg Claus. The assigned driver must have a current sleigh operator's license with roof top permit and evidence of attendance at the winter driving class
    stamped on his DA Form 348. Driver must also be able to clearly shout "On Dancer, On Prancer, etc."

    2. LT JG Claus will initially enter Bldg 9828 through the dayroom. All offices without chimneys will draw Chimney Simulator, M6A2 for use during the visit. Draw chimney simulator on DA Form 2765-1 which will be submitted in four copies to the S-4 prior to 23 Dec. Personnel will ensure that chimneys are properly cleaned before turn-in at the conclusion of visit.

    3. Personnel will be rehearsed in the shouting of "Merry Christmas and Happy New Year" or "Merry Christmas To All and To All a Good Night." This shout will be given upon termination of the visit.
    Uniformity of shouting is the responsibility of each section NCOIC.

    FOR THE COMMANDER


    GOODE, U. B., LTC, OD
    Executive Officer
    Laissez les bon temps rouler! Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.** a 4 day work week & sex slaves ~ I say Tyt for PRESIDENT! Not to be taken internally, literally or seriously ....Suki ebaynni IS THAT BETTER ?

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    TOP SECRET
    NOT INTENDED FOR CHILDREN UNDER 18 YEARS OF AGE



    Subject: Santa was obviously not an Engineer
    Author: Tim Rondeau USAF
    Date: A very long time ago.
    Category: Holiday Humor

    IS THERE A SANTA CLAUS?


    As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research
    help form that renowned scientific journal, Spy Magazine,
    (January, 1990), I am pleased to present the annual scientific
    inquiry into Santa Clause.

    1) No known species of reindeer can fly. But, there are 300,000
    species of living organisms yet to be classified and while most
    of these are insects and germs, this does not entirely rule out
    flying reindeer, which only Santa has ever seen.

    2) There are 2 billion Children (persons under the age of 18) in
    the world. BUT since Santa doesn't appear to handle the Muslim,
    Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload
    to 15% of the total or 378 million according the Population
    Reference Bureau,1990. At an average rate of 3.5 children per
    household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes that there's
    at least one good child in each.

    3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the
    different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he
    travels east to west, which seems logical. This works out to
    822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian
    household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to
    park, hop out of his sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the
    stockings, distribute gifts under the tree, eat whatever snacks
    have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the
    sleigh, and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of
    these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed, (which we know
    to be false but for the purposes of our calculations will accept
    anyway), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a
    total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting stops to do what
    most of us do at least once in 31 hours after consuming
    countless snacks.

    This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per
    second, 3000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of
    comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth (besides
    Santa's sleigh), is the Ulysses space probe. It moves along at
    a poky 27.4 miles per second. A conventional reindeer can run,
    TOPS, 15 miles per hour.

    4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element.
    Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized
    Lego set (2 lbs) the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not
    counting Santa, who is invariably describes as overweight. On
    land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds.
    Even granting that "flying reindeer"" (see point #1) could pull
    ten times the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight or
    even nine reindeer. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases
    the payload not even counting the sleigh to 353,430 tons.
    Again for comparison, this is four times the weight of the Queen
    Elizabeth.

    5) 353,000 tons, traveling at 650 miles per second, creates
    enormous air resistance. This will heat the reindeer up in the
    same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the atmosphere. The
    lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of
    energy. PER SECOND. EACH. In short, they will burst into
    flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them,
    creating a deafening sonic boom in their wake. The entire
    reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a
    second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal
    forces 17,5000.06 times greater than gravity. A 250 lb Santa,
    (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of
    his sleigh by 4,315,015 lbs of force.

    The conclusion:

    If Santa ever DID deliver presents to all the good little boys and
    girls on Christmas Eve, He's dead now.

    Merry Christmas to all, and to all a Good-night.


    [Thanks to Brice A Habegger]

    For a rebuttal to all this, go here:
    http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/...mas/rebuttal_2
    Laissez les bon temps rouler! Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.** a 4 day work week & sex slaves ~ I say Tyt for PRESIDENT! Not to be taken internally, literally or seriously ....Suki ebaynni IS THAT BETTER ?

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    Jolie Rouge's Avatar
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    Al Bundy's Christmas Eve

    'Twas the night before Christmas,
    And all through the house,
    No food was a-stirrin',
    Not even a mouse.

    Stockings were hung round
    Dad's neck like a tie,
    Along with a note that said,
    "Presents or die."

    Children were plotting
    All night in their beds,
    While the wife's constant whining
    Was splitting his head.

    But daddy had money
    This year in the bank,
    Then they closed up early,
    And now dad's in a tank.

    All of a sudden,
    Santa appeared,
    A sneer on his face,
    Booze in his beard.

    "Santa," I said,
    As he laughed merrily,
    "You do so much for others,
    Do something for me."

    "Bundy," he said,
    "You only sell shoes,
    Your son is a sneak thief,
    Your daughter's a floose."

    "Ho ho," Santa said,
    "Should I mention your wife?
    Her hair's like an A-bomb,
    Her nails like a knife."

    He climbs up the chimney,
    That fat piece of dung,
    He mooned me two times,
    He stuck out his tongue.

    I heard him exclaim,
    As he broke wind with glee,
    "You're married with children,
    You'll never be free."
    Laissez les bon temps rouler! Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.** a 4 day work week & sex slaves ~ I say Tyt for PRESIDENT! Not to be taken internally, literally or seriously ....Suki ebaynni IS THAT BETTER ?

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    Jolie Rouge's Avatar
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    Barbie's Christmas List! )

    ----------------------

    Barbie
    c/o Mattel, Inc.
    El Segundo, CA 90245

    Santa Claus
    North Pole, North Pole
    December 23, 1996


    Dear Santa:

    Listen you ugly little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas
    Present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many
    tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had
    better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and
    trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it). So, here's my holiday wish list for 1998:


    Santa:

    1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker.
    How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels
    like to have nylon and velcro crawling up your butt?

    2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to
    cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite!

    3. A REAL man...maybe GI Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boytoy Ken. And what's with that earring anyway? If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct.

    4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.

    5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, get it done.

    6. A jogbra. To wear until I get the surgery.

    7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet,
    a public relations senior account exec!

    8. A new, more 90s persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun,
    outfitted with a fake fur coat, bottle of spray on blood and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie," sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.

    9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.

    10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years--I think I deserve it.

    Ok, Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line.
    If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new ***** for next Christmas.

    It's that simple.

    Yours truly,
    Barbie





    Ken's Christmas List!

    -----------------


    Ken
    c/o Mattel, Inc.
    El Segundo, CA 90245

    Santa Claus
    North Pole, North Pole
    December 23, 1998

    Dear Santa:

    I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career changes. In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks
    were made about me, my ability to please, and some of my fashion choices. I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of some issues concerning Ms. Barbie, and some of my own needs and desires.

    First of all, I along with several other colleagues feel Barbie DOES NOT deserve preferential treatment - the witch has everything. Along with Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann & Andy, I DO NOT have a dream house, corvette, evening gowns, and in some cases the ability to change our hair style. I personally have only 3 outfits which I am forced to mix and match at great length.

    My decision to accessorize my outfits with an earring was my decision and reflects my lifestyle choice.

    I too would like a change in my career. Have you ever considered "Decorator Ken", "Beauty Salon Ken", or "Out Of Work Actor Ken"? In addition, there are several other avenues which could be
    considered such as "S&M Ken" , "Green Lantern Ken", "Circuit Ken", "Bear Ken", "Master Ken". These would more accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open up new markets. And as for Barbie
    needing bendable arms so she can "push me away," I need bendable knees so I can kick the wench to the curb. Bendable knees would also be helpful for me in other situations - we've talked about this issue before.

    In closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions to the blond bimbo from he!! will result in action be taken by myself and others. And Barbie can forget about having Joe - he's NOT INTERESTED, at least that's what he said last night.


    Sincerely,

    Ken
    Laissez les bon temps rouler! Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.** a 4 day work week & sex slaves ~ I say Tyt for PRESIDENT! Not to be taken internally, literally or seriously ....Suki ebaynni IS THAT BETTER ?

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