Thread: "TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS" Collection ...

hippie - what are "Camelbacks" ??

Call the Caterer!

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the kitchen; I was
cooking and baking and moanin and *****in. I've been here for hours, I
cant stop to rest. This rooms a disaster, just look at this mess !
Tomorrow I've got thirty people to feed. They expect all the
trimmings. Who cares what I need ! My feet are both blistered, I've got
cramps in my legs. The cat just knocked over a bowl full of eggs.
There's a knock at the door and the telephones ringing; frosting
drips on the counter as the microwaves dinging. Two pies in the oven,
desserts almost done; my cookbook is soiled with butter and crumbs.
I've had alI I can stand, I cant take anymore; Then in walks my husband,
spilling rum on the floor.
He weaves and he wobbles, his balance unsteady; then grins
as he chuckles "The eggnog is ready !" He looks all around and with
total regret, says "What's taking so long....arent you through in here
yet ??"
As quick as a flash I reach for a knife; He loses an earlobe; I
wanted his life ! He flees from the room in terror and pain and screams
"MY GOD WOMAN, YOU'RE GOING INSANE !!"
Now what was I doing, and what is that smell ? Oh damn, it's the
pies !! They're burned all to hell I hate to admit when I make a
mistake, but I put them on BROIL instead of on BAKE. What else can go
wrong ?? Is there still more ahead?? If this is good living, I'd rather be
dead.
Lord, don't get me wrong, I love holidays; It just leaves me
exhausted, all shaky and dazed. But I promise you one thing, If I live
till next year, You wont find me pulling my hair out in here. I'll hire a
maid, a cook, and a waiter; and if that doesn't work,
I'LL HAVE IT ALL CATERED !!!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Some Assembly Required

'Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house
I searched for the tools to hand to my spouse.
Instructions were studied and we were inspired,
In hopes we could manage "Some Assembly Required."
The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds,
While Dad and I faced the evening with dread:
A kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's town house to boot!
And, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot!
We opened the boxes, my heart skipped a beat....
Let no parts be missing or parts incomplete!
Too late for last-minute returns or replacement;
If we can't get it right, it goes in the basement!
When what to my worrying eyes should appear,
But 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear,
With each part numbered and every slot named,
So if we failed, only we could be blamed.
More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out,
All over the carpet they were scattered about.
"Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there!
Slide on the seats, and staple the stair!
Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand."
"Honey," said hubby, "you just glued my hand."
And then in a twinkling, I knew for a fact
That all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact
To keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night
With "assembly required" till morning's first light.
We spoke not a word, but kept bent at our work,
Till our eyes, they went bleary; our fingers all hurt.
The coffee went cold and the night, it wore thin
Before we attached the last rod and last pin.
Then laying the tools away in the chest,
We fell into bed for a well-deserved rest.
But I said to my husband just before I passed out,
"This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt.
Tomorrow we'll cheer, let the holiday ring,
And not have to run to the store for a thing!
We did it! We did it! The toys are all set
For the perfect, most perfect, Christmas, I bet!"
Then off to dreamland and sweet repose I gratefully went,
Though I suppose there's something to say for those self-deluded...
I'd forgotten that BATTERIES are never included!






Ok, Ithink I'm done now, LOL!

Originally posted by Jolie Rouge
hippie - what are "Camelbacks" ??

LOL! Camelback Mountian. It's also a major rd here, too. (Camelback road.) You can see Camelback mountian from it, LOL.

Then I may as well call it a night ...


"NITE"

Nite, jolie.

HIPPIECHIC LOVE THE ONES ABOUT AZ THANKS

Are you in Az, too? This is our 2nd Christmas here, I love it!

white trash christmas

turn your volume up

www****onedin.com/movies/WhiteTrashXmas.html

t*o*o*n*e*d*i*n*.*c*o*m

Twelve days - Revised Policy


Effective immediately, the following economizing measures are being implemented in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:

1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced the cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance

2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated

3) The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French

4) The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.

5) The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order

6) The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese
will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one

7) The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing
their outplacement

8) As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching

9) Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps

10) Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year

11) Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the
bottom line

Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), a decision is pending.

Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.



*T*Y* Fugie !