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hippie - what are "Camelbacks" ??
Laissez les bon temps rouler! Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.** a 4 day work week & sex slaves ~ I say Tyt for PRESIDENT! Not to be taken internally, literally or seriously ....Suki ebaynni IS THAT BETTER ?
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12-10-2002 11:02 PM
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Circuit advertisement
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Call the Caterer!
Twas the night before Christmas and all through the kitchen; I was
cooking and baking and moanin and *****in. I've been here for hours, I
cant stop to rest. This rooms a disaster, just look at this mess !
Tomorrow I've got thirty people to feed. They expect all the
trimmings. Who cares what I need ! My feet are both blistered, I've got
cramps in my legs. The cat just knocked over a bowl full of eggs.
There's a knock at the door and the telephones ringing; frosting
drips on the counter as the microwaves dinging. Two pies in the oven,
desserts almost done; my cookbook is soiled with butter and crumbs.
I've had alI I can stand, I cant take anymore; Then in walks my husband,
spilling rum on the floor.
He weaves and he wobbles, his balance unsteady; then grins
as he chuckles "The eggnog is ready !" He looks all around and with
total regret, says "What's taking so long....arent you through in here
yet ??"
As quick as a flash I reach for a knife; He loses an earlobe; I
wanted his life ! He flees from the room in terror and pain and screams
"MY GOD WOMAN, YOU'RE GOING INSANE !!"
Now what was I doing, and what is that smell ? Oh damn, it's the
pies !! They're burned all to hell I hate to admit when I make a
mistake, but I put them on BROIL instead of on BAKE. What else can go
wrong ?? Is there still more ahead?? If this is good living, I'd rather be
dead.
Lord, don't get me wrong, I love holidays; It just leaves me
exhausted, all shaky and dazed. But I promise you one thing, If I live
till next year, You wont find me pulling my hair out in here. I'll hire a
maid, a cook, and a waiter; and if that doesn't work,
I'LL HAVE IT ALL CATERED !!!
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Some Assembly Required
'Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house
I searched for the tools to hand to my spouse.
Instructions were studied and we were inspired,
In hopes we could manage "Some Assembly Required."
The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds,
While Dad and I faced the evening with dread:
A kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's town house to boot!
And, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot!
We opened the boxes, my heart skipped a beat....
Let no parts be missing or parts incomplete!
Too late for last-minute returns or replacement;
If we can't get it right, it goes in the basement!
When what to my worrying eyes should appear,
But 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear,
With each part numbered and every slot named,
So if we failed, only we could be blamed.
More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out,
All over the carpet they were scattered about.
"Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there!
Slide on the seats, and staple the stair!
Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand."
"Honey," said hubby, "you just glued my hand."
And then in a twinkling, I knew for a fact
That all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact
To keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night
With "assembly required" till morning's first light.
We spoke not a word, but kept bent at our work,
Till our eyes, they went bleary; our fingers all hurt.
The coffee went cold and the night, it wore thin
Before we attached the last rod and last pin.
Then laying the tools away in the chest,
We fell into bed for a well-deserved rest.
But I said to my husband just before I passed out,
"This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt.
Tomorrow we'll cheer, let the holiday ring,
And not have to run to the store for a thing!
We did it! We did it! The toys are all set
For the perfect, most perfect, Christmas, I bet!"
Then off to dreamland and sweet repose I gratefully went,
Though I suppose there's something to say for those self-deluded...
I'd forgotten that BATTERIES are never included!
Ok, Ithink I'm done now, LOL!
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Originally posted by Jolie Rouge
hippie - what are "Camelbacks" ??
LOL! Camelback Mountian. It's also a major rd here, too. (Camelback road.) You can see Camelback mountian from it, LOL.
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Then I may as well call it a night ...
"NITE"
Laissez les bon temps rouler! Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.** a 4 day work week & sex slaves ~ I say Tyt for PRESIDENT! Not to be taken internally, literally or seriously ....Suki ebaynni IS THAT BETTER ?
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Nite, jolie.
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BIG BIG BRATBEAR
HIPPIECHIC LOVE THE ONES ABOUT AZ THANKS
If you're waiting for tomorrow,
Why not do it today?
For if tomorrow never comes, you'll surely regret the day.
IF YOU REACH BACK IN YOUR MEMORY
A LITTLE BELL MIGHT RING
BOUT A TIME THAT ONCE EXISTED
WHEN MONEY WASN'T KING
--TOM PETTY--
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Are you in Az, too? This is our 2nd Christmas here, I love it!
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Registered User
T'was The Night Before a Redneck Christmas
It was the night before Christmas,
and all through the trailer park,
not a pop-top was poppin',
not even Ole Blue barked.
_______
Our stockin's was hung___________
over the space heater with care,
in the hopes that Santy
would fill 'em with Viennas and beer.
The kids was asleep
in their NASCAR pj's,
Dreamin' of Goo Goo Clusters,
Moon Pies, and Milkyway's.
_____________________________ ___________
And Earlene in her curlers
and me in my Earnhardt cap,
had just settled into our La-Z-Boys
for Wheel of Fortune and a nap.
Then out in the vacant lot
I heart such a commotion,
I thought it was neighbor Clyde,
finally got his T'bird in motion.
_____________________________ ___________
I heaved out of my recliner
and to the window I flew,
Busted out the screen
and hollered to Ole Blue.
_____________________________ ___________
The moon was shinin down
on my old wrecked cars,
so bright they was sparklin'
like rusty old stars.
_____________________________ ___________
And I couldn't believe
by own hardworkin' eyes,
when a jacked-up Chevy pickup
come flyin' through the sky!
_____________________________ ___________
Faster'n Ole Ironhead
his possums they came,
and he whooped and hollered
and called 'em by name:
_____________________________ ___________
"Git up Sooner! Hi Duke!
Move yer tails Yaller and Spud!
On Blackie! On Queenie!
You mind me Duchess and Bud!"
_____________________________ ___________
"To the top of the satellite dish!
To the top of the shed!
Now move it n' Step on it!
Ya'll get out the lead!"
_____________________________ ___________
You know how on our old road
whenev'r a car goes by,
there's all this dirt
that flys up into the sky?
_____________________________ ___________
That's how this crew
went straight on up to my roof,
with that pickup full of toys,
a real nice gun rack, and Redneck Santa too.
_____________________________ ___________
Then 'fore I could pop my teeth in
I heerd up on the tin,
the scrabbling around
of them flying possums of his'n.
_____________________________ ___________
I yanked my head back in the trailer
and hitched up my shorts,
Down the dryer vent Redneck Santa came
with a grunt and a snort!
_____________________________ ___________
He was dressed in red-and-green camo
from his neck to his feet,
and I had to give him credit
he still had most of his teeth.
_____________________________ ___________
Looked like stuff from Earlene's yard sale
slung on his back,
There was flyswatters an' Tupperware,
an' 8-tracks stickin' out of his pack.
_____________________________ ___________
When he winked his eye
I knew fer sure he'd treat us right,
why, he just might even
leave me some ammo tonight!
_____________________________ ___________
I stood there dreamin' of a whitetail
while I watched him work,
then he stopped and like a real man, let out a fart and a burp.
_____________________________ ___________
He topped off our stockin's
with Moon Pies and bottle rockets,
then squoze up that dryer vent
like Spam in your pocket.
_____________________________ ___________
He jumped in his pickup,
laid down on the horn,
And I'm not lyin',
they took off with their possum tails flyin'.
_____________________________ ___________
But I heerd him holler
as he headed for the 7-11,
"Merry Christmas to all!
And may all rednecks get into heav'n!"
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white trash christmas
turn your volume up
www****onedin.com/movies/WhiteTrashXmas.html
t*o*o*n*e*d*i*n*.*c*o*m
Last edited by Jolie Rouge; 12-12-2002 at 11:48 AM.
Laissez les bon temps rouler! Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.** a 4 day work week & sex slaves ~ I say Tyt for PRESIDENT! Not to be taken internally, literally or seriously ....Suki ebaynni IS THAT BETTER ?
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Registered User
OMG!! Jolie that was hilarious!!
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Twelve days - Revised Policy
Effective immediately, the following economizing measures are being implemented in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:
1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced the cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance
2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated
3) The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French
4) The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.
5) The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order
6) The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese
will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one
7) The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing
their outplacement
8) As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching
9) Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps
10) Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year
11) Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the
bottom line
Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.
Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), a decision is pending.
Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.
*T*Y* Fugie !
Laissez les bon temps rouler! Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.** a 4 day work week & sex slaves ~ I say Tyt for PRESIDENT! Not to be taken internally, literally or seriously ....Suki ebaynni IS THAT BETTER ?
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