Thread: "TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS" Collection ...

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the Net,
There were hacker's a surfing. Nerds? Yeah, you bet.
The e-mails were stacked by the modem with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.

The newbies were nestled all snug by their screens,
While visions of Java danced in their dreams.
My wife on the sofa and me with a snack,
We just settled down at my rig (it's a Mac).

When out in the Web there arose such a clatter,
I jumped to the site to see what was the matter.
To a new page my Mac flew like a flash,
Then made a slight gurgle. It started to crash!!

I gasped at the thought and started to grouse,
Then turned my head sideways and clicked on my mouse.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
My Mac jumped to a page that wasn't quite clear.

When the image resolved, so bright and so quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick!
More rapid than mainframes, more graphics they came,
Then Nick glanced toward my screen, my Mac called them by name;

"Now Compaq! Now Acer!", my speaker did reel;
"On Apple! On Gateway!" Santa started to squeal!
"Jump onto the circuits! And into the chip!
Now speed it up! Speed it up! Make this thing hip!"

The screen gave a flicker, he was into my "Ram",
Then into my room rose a full hologram!
He was dressed in all red, from his head to his shoes,
Which were black (the white socks he really should lose).

He pulled out some discs he had stored in his backpack.
Santa looked like a dude who was rarin' to hack!
His eyes, how they twinkled! His glasses, how techno!
This ain't the same Santa that I used to know!

With a wink of his eye and a nod of his head,
Santa soon let me know I had nothing to dread.
He spoke not a word, gave my Mac a quick poke,
And accessed my C drive with only a stroke.

He defragged my hard drive, and added a "Dimm",
Then threw in some cool games, just on a whim!
He worked without noise, his fingers they flew!
He distorted some pictures with Kai's Power Goo!

He updated Office, Excel and Quicken,
Then added a screensaver with a red clucking chicken!
My eyes widened a bit, my mouth stood agape,
As he added the latest version of Netscape.

The drive gave a whirl, as if it were pleased,
St. Nick coyly smiled, the computer appeased.
Then placing his finger on the bridge of his nose,
Santa turned into nothing but ones and zeros!

He flew back into my screen and through my uplink,
Back into the net with barely a blink.
But I heard his sweet voice as he flew from my sight,
"Happy surfing to all, and to all a good byte!"

'Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat.
The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.

...come to think of it, I better stop!

Christmas Italian Style
> >
> > 'Twas the night before Christmas,
> > Da whole house was mella,
> > Not a creature was stirrin',
> >
> > Cuz I had a gun unda da pilla.
> >
> > When up on da roof
> > I heard somethin' pound,
> > I sprung to da window,
> > To scream, "YO! Keep it down!"
> >
> > When what to my
> > Wanderin' eyes should appear,
> > But da Don of all elfs,
> > And eight freakin' reindeer!
> >
> > Wit' slicked back black hair,
> > And a silk red suit,
> > Don Christopher wuz here,
> > And he brought da loot!
> >
> > Wit' a slap to dare snouts,
> > And a yank on dare manes,
> > He cursed and he shouted,
> > And he called dem by name.
> >
> > "Yo Tony, Yo Frankie,
> > Yo Vinny, Yo Vito,
> > Ay Joey, Ay Paulie,
> > Ay Pepe, Ay Guido!"
> >
> > As I drew out my gun
> > And hid by da bed,
> > He flew troo da winda
> > And slapped me 'side da head.
> >
> > "What da hell you doin'
> > Pullin' a gun on da Don?
> > Now all you're gettin' is coal,
> > You freakin' moron!"
> >
> > Den pointin' a fat finga
> > Right unda my nose,
> > He twisted his pinky ring,
> > And up da chimney he rose.
> >
> > He sprang to his sleigh,
> > Obscenities screamin',
> > Away dey all flew,
> > Before he troo dem a beatin'.
> >
> > Den I heard him yell out,
> > What I did least expect,
> > "Merry Freakin' Christmas to all,
> > And yous better show some respect!
> >
THESE ARE ALL GOOD PASSING THEM ALL ON AND BUMPING UP

NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS (USMC TALE)

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS,
HE LIVED ALL ALONE,
IN A ONE BEDROOM HOUSE MADE OF
PLASTER AND STONE.
I HAD COME DOWN THE CHIMNEY
WITH PRESENTS TO GIVE,
AND TO SEE JUST WHO
IN THIS HOME DID LIVE.

I LOOKED ALL ABOUT,
A STRANGE SIGHT I DID SEE,
NO TINSEL, NO PRESENTS,
NOT EVEN A TREE.

NO STOCKING BY MANTLE,
JUST BOOTS FILLED WITH SAND,
ON THE WALL HUNG PICTURES
OF FAR DISTANT LANDS.

WITH MEDALS AND BADGES,
AWARDS OF ALL KINDS,
A SOBER THOUGHT
CAME THROUGH MY MIND.

FOR THIS HOUSE WAS DIFFERENT,
IT WAS DARK AND DREARY,
I FOUND THE HOME OF A SOLDIER,
ONCE I COULD SEE CLEARLY.

THE SOLDIER LAY SLEEPING,
SILENT, ALONE,
CURLED UP ON THE FLOOR
IN THIS ONE BEDROOM HOME.

THE FACE WAS SO GENTLE,
THE ROOM IN SUCH DISORDER,
NOT HOW I PICTURED
A UNITED STATES SOLDIER.

WAS THIS THE HERO
OF WHOM I'D JUST READ?
CURLED UP ON A PONCHO,
THE FLOOR FOR A BED?

I REALIZED THE FAMILIES
THAT I SAW THIS NIGHT,
OWED THEIR LIVES TO THESE SOLDIERS
WHO WERE WILLING TO FIGHT.

SOON ROUND THE WORLD,
THE CHILDREN WOULD PLAY,
AND GROWNUPS WOULD CELEBRATE
A BRIGHT CHRISTMAS DAY.

THEY ALL ENJOYED FREEDOM
EACH MONTH OF THE YEAR,
BECAUSE OF THE SOLDIERS,
LIKE THE ONE LYING HERE.

I COULDN'T HELP WONDER
HOW MANY LAY ALONE,
ON A COLD CHRISTMAS EVE
IN A LAND FAR FROM HOME.

THE VERY THOUGHT
BROUGHT A TEAR TO MY EYE,
I DROPPED TO MY KNEES
AND STARTED TO CRY.

THE SOLDIER AWAKENED
AND I HEARD A ROUGH VOICE,
SANTA DON'T CRY,
THIS LIFE IS MY CHOICE;

I FIGHT FOR FREEDOM,
I DON'T ASK FOR MORE,
MY LIFE IS MY GOD,
MY COUNTRY, MY CORPS."

THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER
AND DRIFTED TO SLEEP,
I COULDN'T CONTROL IT,
I CONTINUED TO WEEP.

I KEPT WATCH FOR HOURS,
SO SILENT AND STILL
AND WE BOTH SHIVERED
FROM THE COLD NIGHT'S CHILL.

I DIDN'T WANT TO LEAVE
ON THAT COLD, DARK, NIGHT,
THIS GUARDIAN OF HONOR
SO WILLING TO FIGHT.

THEN THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER,
WITH A VOICE SOFT AND PURE,
WHISPERED, "CARRY ON SANTA,
IT'S CHRISTMAS DAY, ALL IS SECURE."

ONE LOOK AT MY WATCH,

AND I KNEW HE WAS RIGHT.
"MERRY CHRISTMAS MY FRIEND,
AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT."

This poem was written by a Marine stationed in Okinawa Japan.
The following is his request.

originally posted by Jcowgirl :

From: Santa Claus:

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer
serve the States of Georgia, Florida, Virginia, North and South
Carolina, Tennessee, Mississippi, Texas, and Arkansas on Christmas Eve.

Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind.

However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement, who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us.

Differences such as:

1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba
Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that
reads:"These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."

2.Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace.. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.

3.Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs
instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my
reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.

4.You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen.." when
Bubba Claus arrives.
Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Andretti, on Elliott and Petty."

5."Ho, Ho, Ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"

6.As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back Off."

7.The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street"
and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus
and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.

And Finally,

8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you,
the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put
presents under the tree.

Sincerely Yours,

Santa Claus

'Twas the Night Before Christmas
(Arizona style...)

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the town
No roses were frozen, no snow fluttered down
No children in flannels being tucked into bed,
They all wore their shortie pajamas instead.

They knew Santa was coming and well on his way.
In a snappy convertible, there was no snow to sleigh.
He whizzed down the highway and zoomed up the roads
In a crimson red car, deliv'ring his loads.

That his car would not land on the roof caused no gloom,
For old Santa came into the casa through the Arizona Room!
He stopped at each address staying only a minute,
And he emptied his bag of the toys he had in it.

The desert was cool, it was a glad atmosphere,
Decorations abounded this time of year.
Cactus all dressed in holiday lights
Saguaro adorned in colors so bright.

Reluctantly knowing his job was complete,
Back to the convertible parked on the street!
He climbed in the car, he turned on the ignition,
Continuing his part in that Christmas tradition.

He turned on his lights and got ready to go,
Knowing full well that the dry heat was better than snow.
He called out to say as he went on his way,
"Merry Christmas Arizona, I wish I could stay"!

"Twas the night before Christmas, too hot for a blizzard,
Not a creature was stirring,
Not even the lizard!"

With me in my cut-offs and Mom in her tube-tops,
I'm sweating and sunburned
I pray that the temp drops!

A fat guy was taken to the hospital today.
He was racing around
In a funny old sleigh!

Wearing red flannel from head to his toes!
Delivering presents
All covered with bows.

We think the heat got him, caused him to fall
Off of our rooftop,
He bounced like a ball!

As the ambulance came,
I heard him yell,
"Forget Christmas out here,
It's hotter than HELL!"

BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

LOL !

On the First Day of Christmas, My True Love Gave to Me - A Phoenix in a Palm Tree
On the Second Day of Christmas, My True Love Gave to Me - Two Camelbacks, etc.
On the Third Day of Christmas, My True Love Gave to Me - Three Iced Teas, etc.
On the Fourth Day of Christmas, My True Love Gave to Me - Four Rattlesnakes, etc.
On the Fifth Day of Christmas, My True Love Gave to Me - Five Phoenix Suns, etc.
On the Sixth Day of Christmas, My True Love Gave to Me - Six Jalapenos, etc.
On the Seventh Day of Christmas, My True Love Gave to Me - Seven Hot Tamales, etc.
On the Eighth Day of Christmas, My True Love Gave to Me - Eight Chili Peppers, etc.
On the Ninth Day of Christmas, My True Love Gave to Me - Nine Leaping Lizards, etc.
On the Tenth Day of Christmas, My True Love Gave to Me - Ten Painted Deserts, etc.
On the Eleventh Day of Christmas, My True Love Gave to Me - Eleven Margaritas, etc.
On the Twelfth Day of Christmas, My True Love Gave to Me - Twelve Swimming Pools

Happy Holidays from Phoenix Arizona!!

Pancho Claus (The Night Before Christmas)
By Eduardo "Lalo" Guerrero

'Twas the night before Christmas
and all through la casa
Not a creature was stirring, ¡Caramba!
¿Qué pasa?

Los niños were all tucked away
in their camas,
Some in vestidos and some in pajamas.
While Mama worked late in her little cocina,
El viejo was down at the corner cantina.


The stockings were hanging con mucho cuidado,
In hopes that St. Nicholas would feel obligado
To bring all the children, both buenos y malos,
A nice batch of dulces and other regalos.

Outside in the yard there arouse such a grito,
That I jumped to my feet like a frightened cabrito.
I went to the window and looked out afuera,
And who in the world, do you think que era?

Saint Nick in a sleigh and a big red sombrero
Came dashing along like a crazy bombero!
And pulling his sleigh instead of venados,
Were eight little burros approaching volados.

I watched as they came, and this little hombre
was shouting and whistling and calling by nombre:



Ay, Pancho! Ay, Pepe! Ay, Cuca! Ay, Beto!
Ay, Chato! Ay, Chopo! Maruca and Nieto!

Then standing erect with his hand on his pecho
He flew to the top of our very own techo.
With his round little belly like a bowl of jalea,
He struggled to squeeze down our old chimenea.

Then huffing and puffing, at last in our sala,
With soot smeared all over his red suit de gala.
He filled the stockings with lovely regalos,
For none of the children had been very malos.

Then chuckling aloud and seeming contento,
He turned like a flash and was gone like the viento.
And I heard him exclaim and this is VERDAD,

Cajun T'was....

'Twas the night before Christmas an' all t'ru de house,
Dey don't a ting pass Not even a mouse.
De chirren been nezzle good snug on de flo',
An' Mama pass de pepper t'ru de crack on de do'.
De Mama in de fireplace done roas' up de ham,
Sit up de gumbo an' make de bake yam.
Den out on de by-you dey got such a clatter,
Make soun' like old Boudreau done fall off his ladder.
I run like a rabbit to got to de do',
Trip over de dorg an' fall on de flo'.
As I look out de do'in de light o' de moon,
I t'ink, "Mahn, you crazy or got ol' too soon."
Cux dere on de by-you w'en I stretch ma'neck stiff,
Dere's eight alligator a pullin' de skiff.
An' a little fat drover wit' a long pole-ing stick,
I know r'at away got to be ole St.Nick.
Mo' fas'er an' fas'er de' gator dey came
He whistle an' holler an' call dem by name:
"Ha, Gaston! Ha, Tiboy! Ha, Pierre an' Alcee'!
Gee, Ninette! Gee, Suzette! Celeste an'Renee'!
To de top o' de porch to de top o' de wall,
Make crawl, alligator, an' be sho' you don' fall."
Like Tante Flo's cat t'ru de treetop he fly,
W'en de big ole houn' dorg come a run hisse's by.
Like dat up de porch dem ole 'gator clim!
Wit' de skiff full o' toy an' St. Nicklus behin'.
Den on top de porch roof it soun' like de hail,
W'en all dem big gator, done sot down dey tail.
Den down de chimney I yell wit' a bam,
An' St.Nicklus fall an' sit on de yam.
"Sacre!" he axclaim, "Ma pant got a hole
I done sot ma'se'f on dem red hot coal."
He got on his foots an' jump like de cat
Out to de flo' where he lan' wit' a SPLAT!
He was dress in musk-rat from his head to his foot,
An' his clothes is all dirty wit' ashes an' soot.
A sack full o' playt'ing he t'row on his back,
He look like a burglar an' dass fo' a fack.
His eyes how dey shine his dimple, how merry!
Maybe he been drink de wine from de blackberry.
His cheek was like a rose his nose a cherry,
On secon' t'ought maybe he lap up de sherry.
Wit' snow-white chin whisker an' quiverin' belly,
He shook w'en he laugh like de stromberry jelly!
But a wink in his eye an' a shook o' his head,
Make my confi-dence dat I don't got to be scared.
He don' do no talkin' gone strit to hi work,
Put a playt'ing in sock an' den turn wit' a jerk.
He put bot' his han' dere on top o' his head,
Cas' an eye on de chimney an' den he done said:
"Wit' all o' dat fire an' dem burnin' hot flame,
Me I ain' goin' back by de way dat I came."
So he run out de do' an, he clim' to de roof,
He ain' no fool, him for to make one more goof.
He jump in his skiff an' crack his big whip,
De' gator move down, An don' make one slip.
An' I hear him shout loud as a splashin' he go,
"Merry Christmas to all 'til I saw you some mo'!"