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  1. #23
    Jolie Rouge's Avatar
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    You know you live in Houston if:

    You're on your way to work, one February morning, when you're suddenly trapped in a traffic jam caused by a chuck wagon and fifty horses -- with riders. You look around to see that everybody in the cars around you is wearing a cowboy hat.

    The "farm-to-market" roads have seven lanes.

    If you want to be a snob about your grocery shopping, you can go to a Randall's Flagship, a Kroger Signature, a Rice Epicurean, or soon, an HEB Central Market to buy bread and milk (but you have to dress up).

    You have to turn on the air-conditioning in January, two days after a low of 29 degrees.

    You have a Roach Story: You opened your flatware drawer to find a roach the size of the Taco Bell Chihuahua. He stood up and looked you in the eye. You closed the drawer, bought new flatware, and stored it in the oven. (The flatware, that is, not the roach.) Or, your friend has a Roach Story -- about a dive-bomber who crashed her formal dinner party, made several passes at guests whose heads were bobbing like little dogs in car windows, and finally landed in somebody's soup.

    The name "Bud Adams" makes people snarl, and "Bum Phillips" doesn't mean a bad screwdriver.

    "Luv ya Blue" still makes you smile, even if you did run the Oilers out of town.

    You know that the Astrodome will always be the Eighth Wonder of the World.

    You come to work in short-sleeves and walk out at noon to find that a "blue-tailed northern" has blown through, causing the temperature to drop 40 degrees in a matter of minutes, forcing you to go to your car to get your coat or sweater.

    Your neighbor's Christmas yard decorations look like a bad recreation of the gunfight at the OK Corral, complete with a ten-foot tree decorated with boots and cowboy hats, and a Santa Claus who looks a lot like Wyatt Earp.

    You wander into a section of town where you can't read the street signs because they're written in Asian characters instead of English, but you don't care because you can get great prices on fake designer merchandise there.

    You go to an art festival on Westheimer and you're almost run down by two handholding cross-dressers on roller blades.

    The "Killer Bees" are not stinging insects.

    You hear everything but English spoken when you go to the Galleria to window shop. (You can't afford to buy because the prices are jacked up for all the foreign tourists.) You should stick to the ice-skating rink -- if you can afford that.

    You know that "Dadgummit" has nothing to do with your father's failure to practice good dental hygiene.

    You think "Y'all" is perfectly good usage if you're referring to more than one person.

    For a Chili Cookoff, you'll use anything from armadillo to frog's legs, but you know that the only GOOD chili is made with chopped -- not ground -- beef, and it has NO beans or tomatoes.

    Society matrons of "a certain age" still sport big hair and faces that have gone east, west, and north, rather than south.

    You can leave your house to head out of town, and an hour later you still remain within the city limits. (During rush hour, you haven't left your neighborhood.)

    You've never seen I-45 in any condition other than underconstruction -- and you've lived here for 30 years.

    If the humidity is below 90 percent, it's a good hair day.

    You know that "Clutch City" has nothing to do with automobile transmissions.

    "The Dream" is not a fantasy.

    The only REAL Mexican food is Tex-Mex.

    A 747 with the Space Shuttle riding piggyback has actually flown low right overhead, and nobody paid any attention to it.

    You know that while saving you money, "Mattress Mac" has amassed more than the U.S. treasury.

    You're happy to have beaten Los Angeles out of a football team, but you'd rather they keep the title of "Smog Capital."

    You see nothing unusual about an 80-something former sheriff's deputy who wears a white pompadour toupee and blue sunglasses, mispronounces names, allows televising of his frequent plastic surgeries, seems unnaturally obsessed with slime in the ice machine, and screams, "MAR-vin ZIND-ler, EYE-witness news" into a television camera every night.
    Laissez les bon temps rouler! Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.** a 4 day work week & sex slaves ~ I say Tyt for PRESIDENT! Not to be taken internally, literally or seriously ....Suki ebaynni IS THAT BETTER ?

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  3. #24
    Jolie Rouge's Avatar
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    originally posted by Ahippiechic :the one for Kentucky could be for TN, too!
    Cool ! The list I am working off of didn't include TN.

    soooo ......


    You know you're from Tennesse when:

    You think "loading the dishwasher" means getting your wife drunk.

    The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

    You were shooting pool when any of your children were born.

    Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos."

    Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath."

    You've ever given rattraps as gifts.

    You clean your fingernails with a stick.

    You've ever hit a deer with your car, deliberately.

    Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

    You keep a can of Raid on your kitchen table.

    You've totaled every car you've ever owned.

    There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.

    You ever got too drunk to fish.

    You consider the fifth grade your senior year.

    Directions to your house include, "Turn off the paved road."

    The dog can't watch you eat without gagging.

    Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

    You think the French Riviera is a foreign car.

    You prefer car keys to Q-Tips.

    You've ever financed a tattoo.

    The gas pedal in your car is shaped like a bare foot.

    You've ever bought a used hat.

    You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a dog.

    You're considered an expert on worm beds.

    You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.

    Your stove is on the porch and your lawn chairs are in the kitchen.

    "Bambi" made you hungry for rabbit.

    You learned to drive in a monster truck.

    You spit chewing tobacco in houseplants.

    Your wedding reception included a beer brunch.

    You believe books are bad luck.

    You believe professional wrestling should be an Olympic event.

    You believe "professional" wrestling!

    You recycle motor oil by moving it from the car to the truck.

    You think a "thesaurus" was a dinosaur in the Lost World.


    Last edited by Jolie Rouge; 08-23-2002 at 10:49 PM.
    Laissez les bon temps rouler! Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.** a 4 day work week & sex slaves ~ I say Tyt for PRESIDENT! Not to be taken internally, literally or seriously ....Suki ebaynni IS THAT BETTER ?

  4. #25

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    Hey Jolie do you have any for Seattle?

  5. #26
    Jolie Rouge's Avatar
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    Miccit : Hey Jolie do you have any for Seattle?
    no, this list is kinda spotty, which is why I was hoping peeps could add theirs.

    I do have Portland...

    You Know You Live in Portland If ...

    You make thirty thousand dollars a year, yet still can't find a place to live.

    Two-thirds of the people you know are from California, yet there is no sun.

    You can list five reasons why Starbucks is evil.

    Every July 1, it takes half a day to find your sunglasses and sunscreen.

    You blame everything that's not right on ex-Californians.

    You remember the date, severity, time of day, where you were, and how long you were out of power for every winter weather event for the last five years.

    You know what and when the Columbus Day storm was. Bonus for having been there.

    You go to a coffee bar and see two guys get into a fight over who makes the best India Pale Ale.

    You own more than 10 articles of clothing that have microbreweries/brewpubs printed on them. Bonus for embroidered stuff.

    You can go a whole week without seeing the sun or a person of color.

    You can point in the direction of two or more volcanoes even though you can't see them due to clouds.

    You have a bookstore, coffee bar, and brewpub all within walking distance of your house.

    You think downtown is scary 'cause you were panhandled there ... once.

    When you drive out of town, every other guy in a pickup looks like the governor.

    When you drive out of town, even the Hondas have gun racks.

    When the weather gets above 50 degrees you put on your shorts, but you still wear hiking boots and your parka.

    When the weather gets above 60 you replace your hiking boots with sandals.

    You think people who use umbrellas are wimps.

    You can recount more than five anecdotes about why the East Side is a crime-infested jungle ... OR ... you can list more than five reasons why the West Side is a boring, snobby, white-bread suburb.

    You know what it is in between the East Side and the West Side, and how to pronounce it.

    You are sitting at a red light surrounded by Subaru Legacy Outbacks.

    "Today's forecast: showers, followed by rain. Tomorrow: rain, followed by showers" doesn't faze you.

    You can't wait for a day with "showers and sunbreaks."

    A tree or mudslide has ever damaged your house or car.

    You live equidistant to a symphony hall, a winery, and a volcano.
    Laissez les bon temps rouler! Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.** a 4 day work week & sex slaves ~ I say Tyt for PRESIDENT! Not to be taken internally, literally or seriously ....Suki ebaynni IS THAT BETTER ?

  6. #27
    Jolie Rouge's Avatar
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    I have ...
    :: Arizona
    Phoenix
    It's Hot in Arizona!

    :: Los Angeles
    Southern California
    Los Angeles Driving Test
    Californian Rebuttal

    :: Colorado

    :: Connecticut

    :: Florida
    New Florida State Mottoes
    The Palm Beach Pokey

    :: Atlanta

    :: Hawaii

    :: Chicago

    :: Indiana

    :: Iowa
    Iowa Chainsaw Joke

    :: Kansas

    :: Kentucky

    :: Louisiana
    New Orleans

    :: Maine

    :: Maryland

    :: Massachusetts
    Boston

    :: Michigan
    Michigan Driving Rules

    :: Minnesota
    Minneapolis
    Minnesota-speak
    Gopher Basketball Exam

    :: New Hampshire

    :: New Jersey

    :: New York City

    :: North Dakota

    :: Cincinnati
    When God made Ohio

    :: Portland

    :: Pennsylvania
    Philadelphia

    :: South Dakota

    :: Houston
    Texas Politician Quotes
    Tex-Mex Etiquette
    Texas Expressions

    :: Utah

    :: Washington DC

    :: Wisconsin

    AND ......

    :: USA
    Quiz: Are You American?
    Only in America

    :: Canada
    Saskatchewan
    Une Piscine Quebecoise

    :: Mexico
    Mexico City
    Bungee-jumping in Mexico

    :: France
    Travel Advisory

    ALSO:

    :: State mottoes, part 1

    :: State mottoes, part 2

    :: Southern Medical Terms

    :: Where You're From, How You Drive

    :: The Northwest

    :: Nationality Justifications

    :: Getting Your Ass Kicked in the South

    :: Mocking All Nationalities
    Laissez les bon temps rouler! Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.** a 4 day work week & sex slaves ~ I say Tyt for PRESIDENT! Not to be taken internally, literally or seriously ....Suki ebaynni IS THAT BETTER ?

  7. #28
    ahippiechic's Avatar
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    My friend from Wisconsin askes you to please post that one.
    <a href=http://i24.photobucket.com/albums/c28/unsocialhippie/thwayne.jpg target=_blank>http://i24.photobucket.com/albums/c2...ie/thwayne.jpg</a>

  8. #29

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    Guess I will have to try to find one for Seattle or make one up. Shouldn't be to hard, there are lots of things to laugh about here!

  9. #30
    Jolie Rouge's Avatar
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    Ahippiechic : My friend from Wisconsin askes you to please post that one.

    You have but to ask ....


    You know you're from Wisconsin when ...

    1. You define summer as three months of bad sledding.

    2. Your definition of a small town is one that only has one bar.

    3. Snow tires come standard on all your cars.

    4. You refer to the Packers as "we."

    5. At least 50 percent of your relatives work on a dairy farm.

    6. You can make sense out of the words "upnort" and "Trivers."

    7. You have gotten frostbitten and sunburned in the same week.

    8. You can identify a Michigan accent.

    9. You know what "cow-tipping" is.

    10. You learned to drive a tractor before the training wheels were
    off your bike.

    11. "Down South" to you means Chicago.

    12. Traveling coast to coast means going from Superior to Milwaukee.

    13. The "Big Three" means Miller, Old Milwaukee, and PBR.

    14. A brat is something you eat.

    15. You were offended by the movie "Fargo."

    16. You know that Eau Claire is not something you eat.

    17. You have no problem spelling Milwaukee.

    18. You consider Madison "exotic."

    19. You got a passport to go to Minnesota.

    20. Your idea of foreign culture is listening to Da Yoopers.

    21. You don't have a coughing fit from one sip of Pabst Blue Ribbon.

    22. You've seen a hodag.

    23. You used to think Deer Season was included as an official school holiday.

    24. You know that Gotham is a real city.

    25. You can actually pronounce and spell Oconomowoc.

    26. You know what a bubbler is.

    27. The snow on your roof in August weighs more than you do.

    28. Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a cow next to
    your blue spruce.

    29. You think there should be a "FIB go home" bumper sticker on every car north of Madison.

    30. Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new machine shed.

    31. A Friday night out is taking your girlfriend shining for deer.

    32. You go out for fish fry on every Friday.

    33. You go to work in a snowsuit in the morning and return home wearing shorts.

    34. You tell someone where you are from and they say: "I thought that was part of Canada."

    35. Bernie Brewer is your idol because he gets to dive in a giant beer mug.

    36. Your idea of the seasons is winter, spring, and the Fourth of July.

    37. You know how to polka.

    38. Your idea of diversity is having black, white, and brown cows.

    39. You think Lutheran and Catholic are the major religions.

    40. You drink "soda" and refer to your dad as "pop."

    41. Formal wear is a flannel shirt, blue jeans, and a baseball cap.

    42. You tried to tap the "World's Largest Six Pack."

    43. Your children describe their summer vacation out of state as a "trip to Door County."

    44. You were unaware there is a legal drinking age.

    45. You have to go to Florida to get a tan in August.

    46. You have caught a fish in Lake Michigan and it glowed in the dark.

    47. You define "swimming season" as Labor Day weekend.

    48. Your Fourth of July Family Picnic was moved indoors due to frost.

    49. You know where the city of Waunakee is, and you can pronounce it.

    50. You can visit Luxembourg, Holland, Belgium, Denmark, and Poland all in one afternoon.

    51. You have more fishing poles than teeth.

    52. You decided to have a picnic this summer because it fell on a weekend.

    53. You have been involved in a "drive-by hay baling."

    54. You are a connoisseur of cheese curds, and find anyone unfamiliar with them to be frighteningly foreign.



    Laissez les bon temps rouler! Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.** a 4 day work week & sex slaves ~ I say Tyt for PRESIDENT! Not to be taken internally, literally or seriously ....Suki ebaynni IS THAT BETTER ?

  10. #31
    jaybird's Avatar
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    Pacifist: Someone who has the nutty idea that killing people is a bad thing.

  11. #32
    Jolie Rouge's Avatar
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    POUNCE !!

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    To Infinity .... AND BEYOND !!!!!!
    Laissez les bon temps rouler! Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.** a 4 day work week & sex slaves ~ I say Tyt for PRESIDENT! Not to be taken internally, literally or seriously ....Suki ebaynni IS THAT BETTER ?

  12. #33
    Jolie Rouge's Avatar
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    State Mottoes


    ALABAMA: He11, Yes, We have electricity.

    ARIZONA: But it’s dry heat.

    CALIFORNIA: By 30, our women have more plastic then your Honda.

    COLORADO: You don’t ski, don’t bother.

    CONNECTICUT: Like Massachusetts, only the Kennedy’s don’t own it! Yet.

    DELAWARE: We really do like the chemicals in our water.

    FLORIDA: Ask us about our grandkids.

    GEORGIA: We put the "fun" in Fundamental Extremism.

    HAWAII: "Hakko Tiki Mow Sha’ami Leeki Toru" (Death to mainland scum, but leave your money)

    IDAHO: More then just potatoes! Well O.K. We’re not, but the potatoes are sure good.

    ILLINOIS: Please don’t pronounce the "s."

    INDIANA: Two billion years tidal wave free.

    IOWA: We do amazing things with corn!!

    KANASAS: First of the rectangle states.

    KENTUCKY: Five million people-fifteen last names.

    LOUSIANA: We’re Not All drunks Cajun Wackos, But that’s our tourism campaign.

    MAINE: We’re really cold, but we have cheap lobster.

    MARYLAND: If you can dream it, we can tax it.

    MASSACHUSETTS: Our taxes are lower than Sweden’s {For most tax brackets}

    MICHIGAN: First line of defense from the Canadians.

    MINNESTOTA: 10,000 lakes! And 10,000,000 mosquitoes.

    MISSISSIPPI: Come and feel better about your own state.

    MISSOURI: Your Federal Flood relief tax dollars at work.

    MONTANA: Land of the big blue sky, The Unabomber, Right-wig Crazies and very little else.

    NEBRASKA: Ask about our state motto contest.

    NEVADA: Hookers and poker!

    NEW HAMPSHIRE: Go away and leave us alone.

    NEW JERSY: You want a #&*!@# Motto? I got yer #&*!@# Motto right here!

    NEW YORK: You have the right to remain silent, you have the right to an attorney.

    NORTH CAROLINA: Tobacco is a vegetable.

    NORTH DAKOTA: We really are one of the 50 states.

    OHIO: At least we’re not Michigan.

    OKLAHOMA: Like the play, only singing.

    OREGON: Spotted owl! It’s what’s for dinner.

    PENNSYLVANNIA: We cook with coal.

    RHODE ISLAND: We’re not REALLY an island.

    SOUTH CAROLINA: Remember the Civil War? We didn’t actually surrender.

    SOUTH DAKOTA: Closer than North Dakota.

    TENNESSEE: The Educashum state.

    TEXAS: Si, Hablo Ingles.

    UTAH: Our Jesus is better than your Jesus.

    VERMONT: A' Yep

    VIGINIA: Who says government stiffs and slackjaw yokels don’t mix?

    WASHINGTON: Help! We’re overrun by nerds and slackers.

    WASHINGTON D.C.: Wanna be Mayor?

    WEST VIRGINA: One big happy family. Really!

    WISCONSIN: Come cut the cheese.

    WYOMING: We're last in every list.
    Laissez les bon temps rouler! Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.** a 4 day work week & sex slaves ~ I say Tyt for PRESIDENT! Not to be taken internally, literally or seriously ....Suki ebaynni IS THAT BETTER ?

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