Totally conflicted!

[whatever]

Okay here is my story:
I have not spoken with my dad and then girlfriend now his wife who is a totally biotch in 13 years. I tried to reach out to him after 911 and his wife wrote me back NASTY azz letters in which i'm not sure my dad ever saw. Thing is my dad has always been verbally abusive my who life, physically when I was younger. So when I broke contact it was actually healthy for my self worth etc.
But today my dad had a stroke and had to be life lighted to a bigger hospital 45 mins from me. Thing is I am concerned as he is still my "parent" but he is a total stranger to me now.
And I don't now if I should go visit him or what? I do know I will be an outcast with some of the family as other stuff has happened with his parents and his siblings after the death of his dad. I know it sounds cold but I really don't know how to feel about it. I just read on FB he cannot talk. I know if I was to visit I'm think his wife would stop me from visiting him anyway. Again i'm totally conflicted. I know I have read others on here who have issues with family members....
Any advice?

[baragabrat]

Tough spot to be in, to say the least. What, in your heart of hearts, do you want to do, feel comfortable doing? Are you willing to put yourself in a really uncomfortable situation with the step-mom? Or do you think she might need the strength you may have to offer? If your dad can't speak, you won't have to worry about verbal abuse from him. Can you ever forgive? I only forgave my father for physical (not sexual)/verbal abuse around the age of 45, 20 years after he died, so I know this is a tough one.

But you have to take care of you and do what is best for you, so ask yourself how much you are willing to risk and is this something you actually want to do as opposed to what others may think you should do.

[pepperpot]

If you feel it would benefit you to see your Dad, then do it. Ignore the wife. I wouldn't even let her know, or anyone else, that you were coming. Going to see him is something that you would be doing for you and to make peace for yourself of your relationship with him.

As far as the relatives, well, apparently you don't see them much anyway so write them off and ignore them too. Pass them by as strangers and just block them out.

The Step mom/wife....do the same. I wouldn't get into any conflicts with her. She verbally comes at you, don't react. She insults, don't react. You do not need to deal with her.

If anyone of them chooses to make a scene in front of your Dad or within ear shot, they are selfish and idiots to his condition. Let the hospital throw them out for "making a scene" and "disrupting". You are his daughter, you are calm and you want to see your Dad, they are the maniacs. Let the hospital see that and do not engage them.

So if this is what you want (to see your Dad) go for it and put blinders on and remain calm. It's better that you do that than assume the worst. Who knows, they might not even be at the hospital at the time or not make any issues. You won't know if you don't try.

The things in life that we most regret aren't the things we did, but the things we didn't do. If you want it, go for it. Good luck.

:hug sorry you're dealing with

[gmyers]

I would do what you feel you need to do. But I wouldn't let another person keep me from doing what I felt I needed to. You never know he might break down and cry and be glad you came and it might give you peace to know you did it. I wish the best for you its so hard to go back around people after a long time.

[justme23]

This is a tough one as I too had a father who was both verbally and physically abusive. I tried to let him back in and he did not put forth the effort I thought he should have so I have again cut it out... only you can really choose, you have to decide in your heart if you can live w/ yourself if he died and you never saw him again. At least, that's how I think about it in my own head dealing w/ my own father. I could care less if he died... I tried and he was a dick... so poof, you're done... you're tried and been blocked... I might make the 45 minute drive, if only to have closure and say good bye to his face... I know I am coming across heartless but my own predicament makes it that way... if you do go, I wish you so much luck and I hope you are not hurt further... who knows, maybe being so close to death will have showed him what a jerk he was and he may apologize.

[Kelsey1224]

I'm with the others. You need to do what's best for you. If you would have terrible feelings of guilt if he were to die without you seeing him one last time, then go see him. If you are going because you want to get closure and you are hoping for some sort of reconciliation, I think your actions would be misguided. That's probably not going to happen.

Hugs!

[whatever]

last night on fb I asked my step sister if there was any chang and in chat and she immediately went offline!! How immature!
So today I did go to see him and NO I did not tell them. When I showed up my ss was trying to act all friendly, I just ignored. I figured If you don't have time for me, F you.
My dad did break down as soon as he saw me. I stayed an hour and a half. He cried several times. My brother said he cried when he was in there as well. He cannot talk much. I could make out a few words. I think he was glad to see me though. I have mixed feelings about it.
His wife was rude polite and somewhat trying to be *****y I just ignored it. I figured I didn't go there to see her.

[BeanieLuvR]

I think you did the right thing by going. I'd just ignore the rest of them. It is between you and your dad. Even if there is no change between you at least you went and you won't have to "what if" yourself if he doesn't make it.

[gmyers]

I hope it made you feel good. My husband had a mild stroke he said it does make you think about the things that are important in your life and it makes you get emotional too. I hope your dad gets better.

[whatever]

What totally baffles my dh and I is they live 8 miles from a small hospital and he had, had a mini stroke the day before and they sent him home late that afternoon! I don't understand why they didn't keep him overnight for observation at the very least. Cause it was early the next morning he had the stroke. And from what I understand you need the medicine within three hours to help get the blood flowing again to the brain!
So then the small hospital he got taken back to they to had to airlift him to one of our large ones in our state capital city. And his wife being a bossy snot that she is didn't insist
they keep him and trust me she gets her way when she wants it. She has a way of this.
but yes I do feel a weight has been lifted off me for going and seeing him. I think I might go again tommorow. My fear is since all this he will not recover now. She thinks he will but I really can't see that...

[Kelsey1224]

I'm glad you went as well. One thing about situations like this is that there are rarely 'do-overs' in life. You won't have any regrets about how you behaved. And after all...the only person we can control is ourselves.

[gmyers]

What totally baffles my dh and I is they live 8 miles from a small hospital and he had, had a mini stroke the day before and they sent him home late that afternoon! I don't understand why they didn't keep him overnight for observation at the very least. Cause it was early the next morning he had the stroke. And from what I understand you need the medicine within three hours to help get the blood flowing again to the brain!
So then the small hospital he got taken back to they to had to airlift him to one of our large ones in our state capital city. And his wife being a bossy snot that she is didn't insist
they keep him and trust me she gets her way when she wants it. She has a way of this.
but yes I do feel a weight has been lifted off me for going and seeing him. I think I might go again tommorow. My fear is since all this he will not recover now. She thinks he will but I really can't see that...

Don't give up on him. When my dad had his stroke it took him a year or so but he got back to normal from not being able to talk good or recognize us. He had to learn what things were again but he did get a lot better. And my mother-in-law had two major strokes and she completely recovered from both of them. She could walk and talk and everything after a lot of physical and speech therapy.

[ajksmom]

I have been through the same situation as yourself. I was getting ready to comment when I read that you did go. I know that I was just as conflicted as you were and chose to go see mine also, and I was really glad that I did as he was able to ask for forgiveness before he passed and I was able to forgive. People told me that they thought that was all he was holding on for was my forgiveness. It seems that you are glad that you went and that's what you needed, don't worry about the rest. If he does recover maybe you will be able to have some sort of relationship with him if that is what you want and if he doesn't then you will know that you were there for him and that will help you get through it all.

[littlered1]

My daughter just lost her dad almost a week ago and they had a strained relationship. She did get to go say goodbye to him in the hospital and I know in my heart it was the best thing she could have ever done. Since he passed it has been one big family fight on his side with his sisters trying to muddy everyones name and being greedy and my daughter is washing her hands of it all, but she got to say goodbye to him and that is all that matters! I hope your dad will be okay, I know it is such a tough situation to go through. Just make peace in your heart and that is all that can be asked of you. At the end of the day... you will be able to look at yourself in the mirror! Good luck!

[whatever]

thanks everyone. I went again on Saturday as I told him I would come back. I still feel kinda weird. Its better in a strange way with him not talking, (NOT THAT I LIKE HIM IN THIS WAY!!). He is able to write on a white marker board, however he doesn't say much to me. I talked about my garden and he asked me about watermelons.
He still crys very hard when I leave. He does the same for my brothers. I did tell him I would come back. It turns out he has 100% blockage on his right side and the cannot due surgery yet. I do feel a wieght has been lifted off me by going to see him.

[gmyers]

I believe he's realizing how much he missed you and your brothers and cares more than you think he does. People regret what they do but are too proud to go back and make things right. My dad told my sister that not long before he passed away.