Help me work though this with your opinions...... [Archive] - Big Big Forums

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MsLynn

01-13-2011, 12:34 PM

Ok, we all know me as the Terminally Single, Single mother... Well i've finally quit running and started seeing someone, and as of now, its been almost 7 months. well night before last, he asked me if my son and i would move in with him when the school year was over...

now, i've been on my own for almost 13 years now.. he's 46 and never been married and never really had a serious relationship.... so he's never really lived with anyone.... so i'm afraid that us just up and moving in will have an adverse effect on him, with there suddenly being one there ALL THE TIME....

My son sat down last night and made a list of pros/cons (not bad for a 10 year old) lol,and he came up with more pro's than con's, but it'll mean moving over 80 miles. I can still keep my full time job here, and 2 of my part times, if my hrs are right after i get off from the full time.....

can ya tell i'm confused... lol..... been thinking to much and now my head hurts, lol

DAVESBABYDOLL

01-13-2011, 01:05 PM

Well, how do YOU feel about him? Do you love him? If you don't, I wouldn't uproot my life for liking someone alot. Does your son like him ? Get along? Does he have a job? Does he love you....and can you tell?

MsLynn

01-13-2011, 01:07 PM

my son thinks he's awesome... he always tells me he loves me... and as damaged as i am, i think i love him to the extent that i can... yes he owns a ranch, and his family owns a trucking company and a bowling alley... he's great to me and Luke.....I guess i'm just more afraid that he's "settling" for me.

DAVESBABYDOLL

01-13-2011, 01:16 PM

Breezin

01-13-2011, 01:16 PM

That's really wonderful, I'm so happy for you :)

I would really say you have to follow your heart on this one.

Is he good to you? is he good to your son? is your son ok with going?

Sounds like yes, yes, yes!

freeby4me

01-13-2011, 01:18 PM

80 miles is a long way, how can you keep your job?
What about a "trial run" of you guys moving there but keeping your place for a few months just to see how everything goes first?

3lilpigs

01-13-2011, 01:24 PM

80 miles is a long way, how can you keep your job?
What about a "trial run" of you guys moving there but keeping your place for a few months just to see how everything goes first?

I agree. 80 miles is TOO FAR to drive.

Is there a way he can move in with you? That way if things don't work out, HE'S the one who will have to leave.

MsLynn

01-13-2011, 01:25 PM

I just went through what you are going through. I've been happily living with someone since June. Like you, I felt (still feel it sometimes) damaged because of my marraige. I'm guessing that it's not only a trust issue on your part but also a " how can this man love ME..me of all people, whats so good about me to love" It took me being able to forgive my ex before I could move on. Forgiveness isn't about who you are forgiving, it's about YOU being able to move past it, to knock a few walls down, to LET someone love you. If you let yourself forgive your past demons and let yourself love someone, you will truely know the meaning of happiness. He's not settling Lynn, he just waited this long to find you.

I really don't think i have any unresolved issues with my ex... its just that everyone has always left... and i don't want Luke to have to go through that... and i don't want to again. but even my family has always told me i'm never good enough, just not sure why, this time scares me so much...

80 miles is a long way, how can you keep your job?
What about a "trial run" of you guys moving there but keeping your place for a few months just to see how everything goes first?

well with my full time i only work 10 days a month.. so it wouldn't be much worse than the 20 something i drive almost everyday now... so if they schedule my part time hrs the mornings i get off from my full time it won't be that bad.

I agree. 80 miles is TOO FAR to drive.

Is there a way he can move in with you? That way if things don't work out, HE'S the one who will have to leave.

his ranch is completely bought/paid for... i'm renting... so it works out better for me... and i have no problems with the commute...

THANKS YA'LL... I really appreciate your input.

dinosmom

01-13-2011, 02:08 PM

I just wanted to say good luck. I know how hard this is!

HUGS

jasmine

01-13-2011, 05:06 PM

Hopefully since he is 46 is mature for a man.... Sounds like he is since he has his own place and all. The only thing I would be conserned about is that he has never been in a relationship/married like you mentioned. Being single and being able to come and go as you please all you life, then settling down takes some real adjustment. Or perhaps he is just one of those men that are truely ready for a steady permanent woman in his life.
I am glad your son likes him. I hope you and your boyfriend have a real heart to heart before you move in.
Good luck, wishing only the best.
After having everything your way for so long, it will be a huge change for you also.

Love is grand, when you find it, grab on with both hands and don't let go.

dv8grl

01-13-2011, 05:16 PM

Do you and your son ever stay over at his place?
I think for the time being you guys should do that., like others said have trial runs & see if its something that he and you can handle.
It's hard living with someone when you've lived alone for a long time.
So maybe you & your son staying the weekend at his place for awhile would be good to see if you all can live together.

And don't listen to your family, always trying to bring you down! You are GOOD ENOUGH!!!!! He definately seems to think so. Your son thinks so. So PHOOEY on what your family says!!!!!

MsLynn

01-13-2011, 05:17 PM

we've spent weekends and such over there, but 2 or 3 days or even 5 or 6 days, is alot different than week after week and month after month, lol.....

dv8grl

01-13-2011, 05:20 PM

we've spent weekends and such over there, but 2 or 3 days or even 5 or 6 days, is alot different than week after week and month after month, lol.....

Your right. :)
At least you won't be suprised by little quirks he may have & vice versa., those little quiks can go from just little quirks to absolute huge irritations in the long run.

janelle

01-13-2011, 08:53 PM

Don't mean to be a party pooper but ask your son if he can take rules and orders from this man. One of my SSs had a hard time with a Step-father and the other didn't. Well the older one was 14 and the stepfather pretty much let him be without rules. The 10 year old hit puberty and all hell broke loose. I say this and I thought the man was a jerk too---your guy may be nice.

BUT I have known many women married a second time and at first lets the man make the rules but when the head butting begins it's hard not to tell the man to butt out. If you want to be the primary disciplinarian then it should be dealt with up front. Let him know, you have dealt with 2 boys before and you know how they are in their teen years, you can handle it. The hope you can. LOL

Is he on the same page as you? Does he look at life in the same way? Big question---does he want children? I dated a divorced man for 3 years to see if I could deal with it and it was still hard. I was glad we had long conversations before we married. I agree to take you time though.

MsLynn

01-13-2011, 09:24 PM

freeby4me

01-14-2011, 05:45 AM

i've always been the disciplinarian... thats not a problem.. but then my boys always seem to mind for everyone but me, lol.. but i'd rather it be that way than vice versa.

the good thing is, like i said, he's never been married or really even had a serious relationship, so at least i'm not having to live up to the standard of an ex, lol

or deal with the crap of having the ex around. Yea, I'd say be careful, do a test run for a few months and if everything is good and everyone still gets along then take the plunge!!

baragabrat

01-14-2011, 05:55 AM

Have you considered short-term counseling from the clergy or a therapist? Perhaps as a family? I think this should be a family decision, with family discussion, listening to everyone's pint of view. Are the 2 of you really frank with each other? That would make it a lot better if you could talk this out honestly with him (if you haven't already.) I wish you the best and many prayers for your situation (and I know it's scary!)

pepperpot

01-14-2011, 06:58 AM

How attached are you to the rental place you have now?

If it didn't work out, is moving again and finding a decent and affordable place to move back to very difficult?

Since your son is 10, I assume he would be changing schools. Would this move be during the school year or over the summer vacation? What about your children's friends and his social life? How does he feel about leaving it all? he may be happy about certain things, but have you discussed all of that with him?

I wish you luck. If it were just you, I'd say go for it in a heartbeat, but you do have young children to consider and uprooting them when the relationship is still relatively new is chancy.

I'd give it a bit more time and let you co-habitate as much as possible in the meantime. Let him stay by you a few times during the week and stay by him a few times a week. Both of you need to get used to each other and each other's personal and daily habits. (Especially in your own environments, you and he will more likely be "themselves" than feeling like a "guest". He gets to see you in your environment and you get to see him in his. A lot can be learned from that.)

Apparently you aren't totally on board right now and have some doubts.....good! At least you are not all googly and throwing caution to the wind, especially with a child/children involved. Follow your heart, you'll know when the time is right.

DAVESBABYDOLL

01-14-2011, 07:50 AM

I really don't think i have any unresolved issues with my ex... its just that everyone has always left... and i don't want Luke to have to go through that... and i don't want to again. but even my family has always told me i'm never good enough, just not sure why, this time scares me so much...

Well, family is given to you, friends you get to pick, but either way, it's your choice if you want to keep them. If your family is saying you're not good enough..well, then they are right....you're not good enough...you're BETTER. Better then they are and they must see it. A person (family or other wise) is only going to tell someone else they aren't good enough, because they are the ones who lack self worth.

sunniekiss

01-14-2011, 11:14 AM

I agree with the suggestion of therapy but both as a couple & as a family. The thing with 10 year olds is they grow up. 10 year olds you can pretty much tell then the way it is & they will pretty much comply. Then they become teenagers & everything you say & do is questioned.

Bliss

01-14-2011, 07:08 PM

iluvmybaby

01-14-2011, 09:31 PM

He's 46 and has never been in a serious relationship? That doesn't seem right. {shrug**

My radar started flashing, at 46 if he has NEVER had a relationship something is major wrong.

tngirl

01-15-2011, 09:47 AM

In my opinion, moving in/living with someone carries the same commitment as marriage, just no ring or a piece of paper. If you are serious enough to move in together, you should be serious enough for marriage, not saying you have to get married.. If both of you are NOT on that same page, I would not move in with him otherwise chances are you and your son are going to be going through a major change before long.

Dating is such a tricky thing, even more so when you have children involved. I do wish you the best of luck. But, if you need to sit down and write out the pros and cons then there are doubts and when there are doubts, it is better to step away from it.

DAVESBABYDOLL

01-15-2011, 06:35 PM

iluvmybaby

01-15-2011, 07:06 PM

Oh, and about his age. So foofin what if he's 46 and never been married..look at the 40 year old virgin LMAO. Besides, maybe he's just picky and didn't want to settle, maybe in you he's found "the one", what he has been looking for in a woman.

Maybe if more people were picky and didn't settle, there would be less divorce. JMO

IMO the 40 y/o virgin is not a typical type thing. How can he know she is the one in 7 months? IDK it just seems weird, I wouldnt give up my house etc to move with such a young relationship

mosdata1

01-15-2011, 08:08 PM

One of my BFF's is in her late 40's - never been married, never in a serious relationship. She has dated, but has not found the 'right one' and will not settle.
I say good for her. He might be the same way.
I don't think being in your 40's and being in your first serious relationship so very strange. In our society it is easier for a man to do this, than a woman.

freeby4me

01-16-2011, 05:37 AM

If he was too busy with work then maybe he didnt want to "settle down" until he actually did have time for family. There is NOTHING wrong with that at all.

Quaker_Parrots

01-16-2011, 07:33 AM

Lynn, if you decide to move in with him, I would have a backup plan. I am sure he wont charge you rent, so, any money you would pay for rent, I would set aside and have it ready just in case things dont work out.

One jewel of wisdom, if you are having doubts now, do you really think it would work out?

pepperpot

01-16-2011, 09:25 AM

Some men are just very shy.....and if his work is all around men, and his social life (say a bowling team, hockey team, baseball team) is all about men. He hangs around men, doesn't hang out in bars and such....he may not have had lots of opportunities to meet women.

My brother is divorced. He didn't socialize nor work with women, so the first woman who took notice of him, he fell in love it and she took him for a ride.. We'll he's divorced and with his job and lifestyle, he's not exposed to other women, so he doesn't date much.

That could be his case. He may be a wonderful guy....it's possible....but I'd keep my eyes open and ears up either way.

MsLynn

01-16-2011, 09:42 AM

My only advice - 7 months to to soon. I know some people will say differently, BUT you got a lot to lose if things go bad quick....If I were you, I'd try to get to know as much as I possibly could before jumping...

He's 46 and has never been in a serious relationship? That doesn't seem right. {shrug**

we are talking about moving in around the end of the summer... so we will have been seeing each other over a year at that point... I UNDERSTAND AND APPRECIATE every point ya'll have made... as we all know we've seen people married within a few weeks and were married for 50 years... others waited years and ended up divorced after just a few

he's only like 5'5, he's not the most attractive man in the world... (some of us can over look that, some can't)... he only has vision in one eye, so one eye is kind of off...) i believe alot of that is why he hasn't had a serious relationship, most women won't give a man a chance if he's not tall, dark and handsome... i believe in fully getting to know someone before making anykind of judgement call on him. He does have a 17 year old daughter that lives in Montana, and tried to make it work with her mother... she got pregnant on a one night stand, and he didn't know about the daughter till the day after she was born.

If he was too busy with work then maybe he didnt want to "settle down" until he actually did have time for family. There is NOTHING wrong with that at all.

this is part of it... a cattle ranch, no matter how small is a 365/7 thing... there are problems with cattle, feeding them, taking care of the barns and tractors, cutting/hauling hay... then he works at his family's bowling alley 5 nights a week.... so women have told him "he doesn't have time for a relationship" i help him out with the cattle and the hay, and we seem to spend lots of time together. I told him any woman that truely wanted to spend time with him, would be there along side him if it was something she could help with.

...

I've talked with my son, and i've talked with my son's dad. THIS IS NOT A DECISION I'M TAKING LIGHTLY... and if it were just me.. I'd be there in a heartbeat. But... if EVERYONE isn't on board with this.. it won't happen....

I TRUELY DO APPRECIATE EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU.....

MsLynn

01-16-2011, 09:54 AM

My radar started flashing, at 46 if he has NEVER had a relationship something is major wrong.

people thought the same thing about me when i was 28 and had been divorced 3 times, lol....just saying...LMAO..... and they are probably right, LMAO

dv8grl

01-16-2011, 11:23 AM

I think he sounds like a great guy. If he makes you happy., I say Go For It! Life is too damn short. :)

Bliss

01-16-2011, 11:58 AM

we are talking about moving in around the end of the summer... so we will have been seeing each other over a year at that point... I UNDERSTAND AND APPRECIATE every point ya'll have made... as we all know we've seen people married within a few weeks and were married for 50 years... others waited years and ended up divorced after just a few

he's only like 5'5, he's not the most attractive man in the world... (some of us can over look that, some can't)... he only has vision in one eye, so one eye is kind of off...) i believe alot of that is why he hasn't had a serious relationship, most women won't give a man a chance if he's not tall, dark and handsome... i believe in fully getting to know someone before making anykind of judgement call on him. He does have a 17 year old daughter that lives in Montana, and tried to make it work with her mother... she got pregnant on a one night stand, and he didn't know about the daughter till the day after she was born. .

Oh ok! I'm not one to judge a person based on things not of their control. I didn't even think about what you mentioned. It makes perfect sense...Some are looking for perfection... G'luck & hope things go well for the both of you.