Memory question about an affair.

[buglebe]

If you had an affair 25 yrs ago and like an idiot you decided to tell your wife about it-- would you remember her name? Would you remember where she lived? Would you remember anything at all about her? Thanks, I think my point is proven before anyone gives me an answer but please do.

Of course if you are a woman I want your opinion too.

[Faithfully]

To be honest. Yes to all your??

[tngirl]

It would all depend on how serious the affair was. If it was just something like a one time thing, maybe not if it wasn't important to the person in question. But, if it was a real affair, I would have to say yes to all your questions. But, you know, guys are not the same as us girls. To me an affair would have to be important in order for me to run the risk of ending my marriage, but guys just don't look at it the same way we do.

[buglebe]

Evidently it was serious, he confessed because he said he considered leaving his family for this woman. Of all his affairs , this one bothered his conscience enough to need to talk about it. Even thought it has caused so much pain he says he is still glad he told. I say **** him.

[pepperpot]

:yikes "Of all his affairs...." :faint I would have been arrested on the spot.

[sunniekiss]

Sondra in my case I knew who it was. She was suuposedly a friend of mine. There was no way I could have ever gotten around that to save the marriage but then again he was an abusive alcoholic.
He told you to ease his conscience & guilt. I'm with pepperpot on this...LOL! Ack not really..karma really did get my EX.

[Kelsey1224]

Of course he remembers everything. He 'confessed' to ease his guilt? And he has had multiple affairs? It sounds like he was just trying to upset you...yet again.

However, you have forgiven him for so much...does this one other affair make a difference. I'm not diminishing your hurt. Just because it was 25 years ago for him...it is new and fresh for you and it's as if it happened last week.

Hugs!!!

[pepperpot]

Well, since confession has eased his guilt a good cast iron frying pan to his head would work wonders for me.

I don't mean to make light of it, but really, I think I would lose it. The nerve, really, he wants to ease his conscience....at your expense. You are a better person than I.

[gmyers]

I agree. Why tell just to ease your conscience. Then the other person has to deal with the hurt. If it was over that long ago he should have kept it to himself. Now he can go around all happy for having it off his conscience and the other person is suffering.

[buglebe]

He confessed to a multitude of affairs all at one time but said the one was the one that bothered his conscience because he loved her enough to think about leaving me. Even after I told him how much it hurt me he said he is still glad he relieved HIS conscience. Oh yes karma got him. He had meningitis and lost his career and so much more but it hurt me and his family probably more than him. I think it is someone I must have known for him not to tell me her name. It also bothers me because these women were office workers in hose and best of dresses and hair and nails while I was a nurse in my white uniform and white bobby socks!!

[candygirl]

You are a good women to still be with him , with all he has put you thru ,I would have kicked his azz to the curb a long time ago.

" Once a cheater ,Always a cheater "

[gmyers]

Why now. What good did it do. It must me nice now for him to have a clean conscience at your expense. Very selfish if you ask me.

[buglebe]

I know so many of you can't understand this. I dont even understand it myself. I am 66, he is 68. We married at 18 and 20. He just told me this about 3 months ago but I think I've let it go , then it resurfaces and I'm furious about it again. We can live comfortable like we are or live uncomfortably apart. We have a house. Our kids would take sides. It would just cause so much more hurt than what I am suffering. I do love him and he shows me everyday that he loves me. He does have brain damage and possibly alzheimers and would have to be put in a nursing home or go live with one of the children thus putting the burdon of taking care of him on someone else. So I have chosen to work through this on my own. Oh I did go to a counselor for about 4 sessions.

[pepperpot]

I know so many of you can't understand this. I dont even understand it myself. I am 66, he is 68. We married at 18 and 20. He just told me this about 3 months ago but I think I've let it go , then it resurfaces and I'm furious about it again. We can live comfortable like we are or live uncomfortably apart. We have a house. Our kids would take sides. It would just cause so much more hurt than what I am suffering. I do love him and he shows me everyday that he loves me. He does have brain damage and possibly alzheimers and would have to be put in a nursing home or go live with one of the children thus putting the burdon of taking care of him on someone else. So I have chosen to work through this on my own. Oh I did go to a counselor for about 4 sessions.
:hug I absolutely understand your position. I do feel your pain in not wanting to have more heartache brought upon yourself and others...I understand it....:hug..and it may be his illness that keeps the topic alive....it's a rough position, follow your heart.

[gmyers]

I understand too. Its hard but if you've worked through it then thats good. I wish you both the best.

[Kelsey1224]

I know so many of you can't understand this. I dont even understand it myself. I am 66, he is 68. We married at 18 and 20. He just told me this about 3 months ago but I think I've let it go , then it resurfaces and I'm furious about it again. We can live comfortable like we are or live uncomfortably apart. We have a house. Our kids would take sides. It would just cause so much more hurt than what I am suffering. I do love him and he shows me everyday that he loves me. He does have brain damage and possibly alzheimers and would have to be put in a nursing home or go live with one of the children thus putting the burdon of taking care of him on someone else. So I have chosen to work through this on my own. Oh I did go to a counselor for about 4 sessions.

I absolutely understand it. You are at a stage in your life where you are willing to settle for a lot just to have stability and comfort!!! There is nothing wrong with that.

I think pepperpot may have a point when she said that it might be his illness which keeps the topic alive. With him possibly experiencing memory loss, he may be searching his memories to try and keep them as alive as possible. He may have wanted to confess to you for years but was worried that if he waited too long, he would lose those memories.

That doesn't change the hurt you are feeling, of course. But, you maybe able to understand it better. He was still a dog, though. And he needs to understand that there is a price to pay TODAY for what he did to you years ago. While it made him feel better to 'confess'...now he has to live with the consequences!

[nightrider127]

I wouldn't put up with that kind of behavior for so much as one minute.

His conscience may be cleared but he would sure be feeling some pain because I would have knocked the crap out of him.

[Freebeemom]

Sorry, for me, I would not even be able to understand it. Ever. My father did this to our family and as a child, I would have preferred that he left and never came back instead of in and out of our lives.
I am sure you are living a secure life with him now, but for my spirit, I just couldn't forgive.

[BeanieLuvR]

(((Buglebe))) I'm so sorry and I do understand. My dad did the very same thing to my mom except he confessed and told who it was. Why he told after so long I'll never understand. She was a friend of the family. It brought untold hurt on my mom. I wish he had never told her. It might of made him feel better but it tore her apart. She stayed so we children would have our inheritance. I was an adult when he told and her conifidant. She never got over it and they were married 50 years when she died. Imagine the nerve of the mistress to come to my mother's funeral. If it had been under other circumstances I probably would have let her have it. I didn't think it would be appropriate to cause a scene there. She is paying though. She is very sick. You can't dish it out without it coming back to you.

When my dad was dying he told me he never loved another woman the way he loved my mother including the mistress and the woman he dated and helped take care of him as he was dying. I know he really did love my mom.

[aneisu]

Could it be his brain damage or the alzheimer's that made him tell you this? His brain may not be connecting properly and he may not fully understand that it was a long time ago... The people in my family who have suffered with alzheimer's have brought to light affairs their husbands had thinking it just happened, or was happening then.

Sorry for all your troubles :(

[buttrfli]

I don't know if he remembers, but I remember the names of all the girls my ex had an affair with (that I was aware of)

[Kelsey1224]

That's funny...because I don't remember the name of the woman my ex had an affair with before he left me for wife #2. (He is on #4 and #2 and I are now friends...long story...LOL.)

But, the women before that...I don't even care about. That was a very long time ago. I truly did move on (as evidenced by wife #2 and I becoming friends.) I have the best hubby ever and I wouldn't have my daughter if it wasn't for my ex. For that, I am eternally grateful.

Now...if my current husband brought to light an affair he had years ago, then I would be devastated.