Backing off of a LT friendship is HARD

[iluvmybaby]

I am super sad because I finally had to tell a friend of mine named "L" that I was going to have to back off of our friendship. I was sucked into a situation involving domestic violence, I have helped "L" numerous times to leave her husband but she keep going back to him throughout everything. The last straw was SHE violated a PO by going to their home she vacated to "just talk." I feel like a horses rear but I can not keep investing my time and risking MY safety ((She has come to stay with me several times where he showed up and craziness in sued.)) Am I a bad friend? I feel like it right now, but her hubby is truly insane and I dont want to get dragged further into the muck

[dangerousfem]

no.. your not a bad friend... you can only help someone so much.. they have to want to help themselves also....and backing off doesn't mean abandoning..

[NasCat]

I know exactly how you feel, but in my case it was my daughter. I can't and won't do any more.

[fleabones3]

Very true. Its like a drug addict.. you can only do so much until they hit bottom. All you can do is tell her you have done everything you could to help her, yet she keeps going back. Tell her when she is !00% ready to leave for good , you will be there, until then, you still want to hear from her and know she is ok.

[gmyers]

No you're not a bad friend at all. I've seen too many times when a friend or family member gets killed because they try to help someone thats being abused. Its scary trying to help someone when someone is really violent. I think in time she'll realize why you're doing it. Don't feel bad you've been a good friend and helped her out a lot but if she keeps going back, she's putting herself and every body else in danger.

[hotwheelstx]

JMO-You're doing the right thing. It's her decision, not yours. You're putting yourself at risk everytime you help her. NO ONE DESERVES TO BE VIOLATED by anyone that says they love them.

I know it's hard but you're doing the best thing (I think) for you and your friend. Maybe this will be a "wakeup call" for her....when there isn't anyone to call for help. Maybe then she'll leave for good. You're still her friend. You choose not to put yourself in the middle anymore.....that's the way I see it.

[mabby89]

That is probably the best thing a true friend could do.

[shadowcats]

That is probably the best thing a true friend could do.

its not your fault she keeps going back , and until she hits rock bottom , this will continue . you can only help so much , and your instincts are true , its time for you to back off and protect your self. its a fact of life , we all have to face at some time , i went through and abusive marriage for fifhteen years and finally one day the straw that broke the camels back came ,and now im free and doing better in my own life. it took me months and years to come back to a normal life..... and relationship. so dont give up , just pray for her and keep yourself safe. its her choice. not yours so dont feel guilty.
sharon:banghead::survivor

[iluvmybaby]

Thank you all for your support and your kind words. I try really hard to be the kind of friend I myself would want. I wish "L" the very best, and I hope that she can get the help she needs before she ends up permanently injured or worse and drags me to heck with her. Her hubby HAS made threats against others who helped "L" in the past who helped her leave him and gave her a place to stay. Thankfully, none of them have been aimed at me.


shadowcats
w , i went through and abusive marriage for fifhteen years and finally one day the straw that broke the camels back came ,and now im free and doing better in my own life.

Sharon, I am so sad that you had to go through all of that, it is amazing how much of a capacity a women has to love, even if the relationship IS bad. I am very happy you got out and you are living a GOOD life. You give me home "L" can as well, I hope it doesnt take her 15 years.

[shadowcats]

i went through being told what i could wear , who i could talk to , where i could go , getting slammed into a wall seven months pregnant cause i called him a hippocrite. then slapped in the face in front of a bunch of people , then punched in the face cause i wasnt fast enough at a job he told me to do. then getting told he beat me if i didnt do as he wanted , lol i did leave him several times but went back when he appoligised ,cause the church people said i had to give him another chance , then came the day when he started stuff with our kids , that s what broke this camels back, no way no how would i let him touch our kids in any way,,,,,,,so i left told him to see a psy doctor or else , ,
well its or else , now im free and i have a husband who loves me and is good to me , lol even tells every one im the boss,,,,,,, and i beat him up....hes from england and hes a laugh a min, so im happy now, do what i want and even spend what i want . lol with in reason, and hes just grumbles and laughs at me , so what else can a gal want,,
so just hang in there either she ll get to the breaking point or all hell will break one day , either way its for the best if hes that dangerous , its best to trust your instincts. and get out of it , if shes going back and doing the same every time , its not your fault , she ll need to grow up and face her own delema and chose her own path. and she ll need your prayers.
good luck . and dont feel guilty , its normal to want to help but she has to want to change and shes not there yet.

[gmyers]

Shadowcats I'm glad you found a terrific guy to be with. I believe he was the one you were meant to find and be with all along. Glad things worked out so good for you and your kids.

[iluvmybaby]

I hope "L"s story can have such a happy ending!

[Shann]

I agree w/ the others, you are doing the right thing. I had a friend like that. Of course we were 1000+ miles apart but the guy she was w/ was a total a-hole. Very controlling and when I called her cell he would answer and not let me talk. He also called me the c word before all of that started to happen and he'd never met nor spoken to me and it was over something I wasn't even involved in. Yet she stayed with him and I just said forget it. I was done, I couldn't talk to her she wasn't going to listen to me and quite honestly I wouldn't have been surprised had he killed her. A year or so later I finally heard from her, she had moved back w/ her mom and gotten away from him but not before she got pregnant. She loves her child no doubt but you can tell that's not the life she wants for herself and had she listened and gotten out she wouldn't be an adult living w/ her mom barely surviving to support her and her child. :( Just very sad. I truly hope "L" wakes up and smells the coffee. It sounds like you were a great friend to her and there is truly only so much you can do. She needs to walk away for her own safety and the safety of her friends, you should have never been put in a situation like that. :hug I wish your friend the best.

[prcsanglas]

You are not a bad friend in the least. Not only have you helped her several times, but also opened your door to her.
You can only help those who want to be helped.