Crap is hitting the fan

[hblueeyes]

As some of you know my mother lives with us. It is her house and mine but we pay all the bills, upkeep, yardwork etc. I also am her chauffer and she never offers gas $$$. Everyone in the house is allergic to her cat. Well her cat has gone on a pissing spree. The house stinks to high heaven. Areas of the hardwood floors are soaked, my couch is soaked, my moms wood dining set is soaked. It was initialy in the dining rug. We got rid of the rug and hubby scrubbed everything. It was so nice for 2-3 days but last night the cat went nuts pissing everywhere. When I said something again she went crazy about how her cat is her only enjoyment because we are never downstairs. We aren't downstairs because it smells so bad from her cat and her. Did I mention she has not taken a bath since she moved in 3 years ago? We put in 3 safety bars, got rid of the shower doors she did not like and I gave her a very nice shower curtain and liner. But all she does is wash up and pour on the perfume. A week ago she could not find her cat. She came upstairs at 1:30 am screaming for her Sassy. What the heck. She had already looked in the basement. Not bad for a lady who can't go up and down stairs to do her laundry. We knew the cat had been in my sons room because the cat sh*t on his bed. How gross. I am at my wits end and sent my son up for the local paper to look for a rental. Gues what? There was not one ad for an apartment for rent. Can you believe it. Not one. Loads of foreclosures but not one rental ad.

Thanks for letting me vent.

Hubby said we should put her in a home. She said good luck. I told her if we went before a judge and you told him that the only thing you have is your cat and your daughter and 4 grandsons and son in law who do everything for you and pay all the bills don't matter. I think he'd agree. What do you all think.?

Me

[DBackFan]

I'm sorry but if it was me that cat would have disappeared a LONG time ago. I wish you luck.

[Kelsey1224]

Yes...time to go before a judge and see if you can get control. She is obviously suffering from some dementia.

As for the cat, the cat obviously has health issues. Healthy cats don't just piss everywhere. I would tell you mother that her cat is obviously sick and that she obviously doesn't love the animal because she isn't taking care of it.

[lisarae]

Open the door and oops the cat runs out!

Cat pee SMELLS horrible. I couldn't take that.

[hblueeyes]

The cat will not go outside. Took her out, put her down and she ran back in. She sits in the window though. She stays in my Moms room except at night she roams all over, apparantly. When we go to my moms room the cat hides under the bed.

Hubby and I left for awhile to look for someplace to move. While gone she closed all the windows. This is something she says she cannot do because of her shoulders. We want the windows closed at night and she always leaves them open cause she can't close them. She did it today though just to tick us off.

Me

[buttrfli]

3 years and no bath?

[ttistin]

Oh man I can't imagine how that smells...cat pee and BO with perfume everywhere? yuck

Is she keeping the cat litter box cleaned out? if not that may be why it is going to the bathroom everywhere??

[fleabones3]

The cat either has a infection or something else wrong. As for your mother you can contact your local department of family or human services and you can talk to the senior citizen part. Something has to be done , either with the cat or her or both. You also need to contact her doctor and tell him she isnt bathing and how she is behaving

[janelle]

Seems like your mother needs more help than she is getting. She needs help taking baths, taking care of her cat, and who knows what else.

I would make some rules in a nice way and say if you want us to keep helping you then we need to change some things. I will help you take baths and wash your hair from now on---get one of those bath hoses---they really help and a bath bench.

Clean out the cat box each day with a pooper scooper and get clean litter when the old needs to be dumped. Yes, cats are clean and do not want a dirty box.

You may need to get social services in there to see just what kind of help she needs and her mental state. She may need a occupational therapist to show her how to do things easier----especially show you when you help her bath, etc. They show you the easy way to do things so you won't hurt your back.

She needs to know it's going to be different or you will move. I think when she realizes that she will be more cooperative.

Good luck, I took care of my mother in my home for 7 years and you do need to get educated in how to take care of the elderly. Especially, if they have dementia. I hope she has a good doctor.

[hblueeyes]

I have tried to get her to bathe. She refuses help and will not allow us to put a seat in the tub or a handheld shower nozzel. I bought it and she refuses it and I had to remove it. I tell her there is no shame in getting old and the fact that she is healthy at 81 is proof of that. She likes the compliments of how good she looks for 80+.

The litter box is cleaned daily so she says but I am beyond doing more. I told her, your cat, you care for it. There is cat hair everywhere yet she cannot see it and her sight is better than mine since she had her cataracs removed and got glasses. I have no insurance and cannot afford it.

She is lazy. She has always been lazy. She expects from everyone but does not believe she should do anything. She had her hubby doing the laundry and he had alzheimers and parkinsons. After his 3rd fall down the stairs to the basement my hubby took over. She does not care about anyone or anything other than herself. But she will jump through hoops of fire for my brother.She was like this as far back as I can remember. Where is good old brother John? At home except for holidays, he has her for a few hours. Where is sister Miche'le, too busy except for a few times a year. Brother Ralph is very ill and sister Ella is in Hawaii. I told her since her son Ralph is in such bad shape, she should go see him. I can get redicuously low airfare, (tax and baggae only) if she paid for the car rental. We'd stay a day, sight see and leave since it would be hard for her to see her first born so ill and deteriorated. Her reply was I dont want to see that and why should I pay for a rental car since I dont drive? She is just plain nasty.

Me

[janelle]

Ok, if you tried everything, then the next step is a carehome. You can only do so much. People with dementia can be very stuborn and if you mother was that way before it will only double now or she will have a change in personality and be the opposite. I guess that didn't happen. A complete evaluation by a doctor can tell you if she has it.

Don't expect help from your siblings. At least, not the men. My sister helped the most but she lived out of town. I know what you are going through but at least my mother did cooperate. I can't imagine what I would have done if she didn't. A carehome is better than what you have now.

[BeanieLuvR]

I am about to puke from reading this. I honestly don't know how you have put up with her for so long. There are no smells worse than BO and cat pee. Thinking of the two of them together is just gross. It sounds like her mind is going and she needs someone to be able to make decisions for her. I would talk to a social worker or the appropriate person. It is in her best interest to get her help. I'm really sorry for all you are going through. :hug

[SLance68]

I think you need to go look harder for a rental unit and move. If she is that bad let your siblings take care of her or let the County do it. She is NOT going to change and yes it sounds very cruel but you need to get away from her. She figures she can treat you like crap since it is "her house". Good Luck - try a Realtor if you can't find a rental in your area.

[gmyers]

I'd get rid of the cat for sure. Just tell her it ran away.

[littlered1]

I think you need to worry about what is going to happen to her when you move...Try to get some home health aides in there right now to evaluate the situation for you.

Back in november my mom fell and fractured her spine and couldn't walk and had to have everything done for her, which I did or found someone to do for her because I was recovering from my motorcycle accident and could barely take care of myself. ...
I would leave there and cry with worry about her every night, all night long, this went on for months.
She can do a lot of stuff for her self now and it is much better.

I can't even imagine thinking the thoughts you have expressed about your mom, My mom means the world to me and I would walk to the ends of the earth for her. Ask someone who has lost their mom what they would do and I'm sure you will see a new perspective on this and get her some help. Take the cat too the vet...
I'm sorry but you ought to be ashamed of yourself!

[pepperpot]

See, we're only human.....my Mom is gone, and I'd do anything and give anything to have her back....but when one is in the 'thick' of things, and it has been going on for so long.....one becomes weary.......it's difficult and so hard. She has a family to think about as well, children and a husband.....situations like these are very draining.....there's no shame in venting.....she is not being cruel or neglectful of her Mom....she's just tired and venting here....no harm, no shame......she doesn't need a guilt trip, she needs help....and so does her Mom. I think she has been incredibly respectful and loving so far.....it's just so different and difficult when one is living it.....I went through it....twice.....looking back you think you could've done more or something differently.....it's easy to say once one is no longer overwhelmed by the situation. It's overwhelming and she's reaching out for help and suggestions....please don't 'shame' her....she's only venting a difficult situation.

We really do only get one Mom....and they are human too.

ETA: I just wanted to add...that it is so difficult, on so many levels, to watch one's parent deteriorate before one's eyes.....let alone being the caregiver for them when it is happening......

[fleabones3]

I agree with pepperpot. Its easy to sit back and say she should do this and she should do that. She has been doing this for at least 3 yrs by herself, and even offered to help with bathing and got the bath bench and all. Short of physically forcing her mom in the shower and hosing her down, there isnt much she can do. I am under the impression the house is in both of your names? I would talk to some of the retirement homes . This might be a personal question, but is your mom all there mentally? you said she has always been lazy and mean spirited.. but is she getting worse? if she is all there, you really need to sit her down and have a firm talk with her. If you are footing the bill for everything and doing all the work, then she either needs to give in and start helping ( as in bathing, taking care of the cat or the cat goes, etc) or she needs to go to a home where she can get the help she needs. if she sees you are serious, maybe she will help some. Good luck.

[krisharry]

Best of luck to you and your family. What a tough situation to be in.

[stresseater]

Food for thought... if the house is in both of your names and you put her in a home they will come after the house when the bills don't get paid. If all she has is medicare then it won't cover the whole bill. I tend to agree somewhat with littlered1. I get you are blowing off steam but think hard about what you are proposing to do.

[kelblend]

My stepmom takes all kinds of crap from her mother. She bathes her, cooks for her, takes her to doc appts, even had a room added onto her house for her. She helps her get off the potty and cleans up her "accidents" at all hours of the day. Now, she gets told she doesn't do it right, or refuses to say what she wants to eat, she doesn't want her to leave her side and is just downright mean and immature acting. She also tells my stepmom she shouldn't eat this or that because she is fat and so on. She is 87 and my stepmom is 63. She has always been spoiled and mean-spirited and it hasn't gotten any better. Sometimes, I think she's simply bored and wants drama. When you catch her at something or call her out on it, she just giggles. But you know she knows what she is doing. Strangely, I can get along with her, but I am not there 24/7.
Oh yeah, her son is just awesome by the way. He never comes over or offers to help. He always has something else to do when asked. I guess I can say I can see where the OP is coming from. My stepmom gets soooo frustrated with her and it's day in and day out. Between her mom and her grandkids, I'm surprised she hasn't had a breakdown yet.
I truly hope you get some help. Do call elderly services or whatever is available in your area. It's really hard to deal with something like that for so long and not go through a hell of a lot of emotions. I wish you luck in getting help with her and finding some peace.

[sheila_361]

You should be grateful you still have your mother. I would give anything to have just one more day with my mom..

[gmyers]

Not everyone has parents that are loving and caring. My mom was and she died when I was twelve but my dad wasn't, all he did till he died was berate all of his kids. Even the son that paid all his bills for at least thirty years. It would be so much easier for the op if her mom would just try to act decently. If she has a sickness that makes her like that I could understand it but if its just meanness. Her daughter and her family deserve to have peace in their home. Its really hard dealing with someone that doesn't try to act decently to people.

[April78945]

Your mother needs help. So do you. If you look at a local hospitals calander, they usually have free classes/meetings for caregivers of elderly. There are ways to help her shower/bathe without forcing her. She is probably upset about losing her dignity and doesn't want to ask for help when she needs it desperatly. If you can't stop everything and care for her full time then I think you need to either look into assisted living centers to hire a home health aide.

[YankeeMary]

Call your local Health Dept. They will be able to "hook" you up with all kinds of services to help you and your mom out. They have aides that will clean for her, bathe her, etc. Take advantage of thesse services. If she doesn't agree tell her the neighbors called because of the smell. Once the "girls" come to help her out, she might actually enjoy having them. My MIL lived with us. We had home health aides come out 3-4 times a week. My MIL loved those girls. The girls would wait on her and only her and it made her feel special. Please feel free to pm me if you need more info. I wish you the best of lluck.

[iluvmybaby]

To the home she and the cat goes, hi ho hi ho. THREE YEARS with no bath? Oh heck no! I cant imagine the smell!

[whatever]

Okay I would get rid of the cat or take to the vet to see whats causing the "pissing" problem. Because you will almost never get that out of your house now if its been going on for so long. Esp. if its in hardwood floor. :(

As for your mom I can kinda relate. My dh's dad is a bear. He hates to bath. I don't live with them. They live next door. I watch how my mil has to fight him on everything. Trying to get him to bathe or just plain change clothes. And he pisses himself daily now because of kidney and bladder issues. He will not wear a adulut"diaper".
He smokes and fall asleep and puts holes in the chairs. Its a wonder he has not burned the house down.....
He has the starts of alzhiemers (sp) and he has depression and many, many other issues.
So I feel for you. If you feel she needs to go a nursing home I would really look into it. I don't see why you should have to relocate your whole family for just one person. Because who would care for her then? Good luck in whatever you decide.

[ma4angels]

The cat would have been given to a new home along time ago. If this is your house too I would have gotten rid of it. That is not just stinky it is unhealthy. It can cause diseases. As far as bathes are concered that is very unhealthy too. Check to see if you have an organization for the elderly that sends CNA's and LPN to help you with her care. They have more experience with patients and can probably get her to bathe easier then you could

[candygirl]

The cat situation is " Unbelieveable " ,that cat azz would have been history a long time ago.

I would talk to her doctor before giving up on her.

[missteena]

Are you sure it's just the cat that is smelling up the place? No shower in 3 years? I couldn't do it. I feel gross if I wake up in the morning and get dressed without showering.

[ma4angels]

I hope that you called your local Social Services off to see they have an organization to help with your mom. It will give you a piece of mind and these people can really help with her health and grooming. When my father in law was really sick they came and washed his clothes , helped with bathes, washed his sheets, and fed him breakfast, lunch and supper. It was a blessing that they came and the state paid it because he was on disability. But they help lower income people too.

[hblueeyes]

I took my mom for her doc appointment and asked if her insurance would cover any home care. Unfortunately not and all her suggestions were poohed poohed from my Mom.

4 nights ago we had some storms and the thunder at 4 am freaked her cat out and she took off. We have not been able to find her since. I fear she got stuck in the floor,ceiling or wall or the upstairs. She has done this in the past but has never been gone more than 24 hours. She may have managed to get out but we cannot figure out how. We had a guy come in and look but no luck. He said call him if it starts to smell so he can backwash it. I feel real bad for my mom and hope the cat got out and someone has decided to keep her. But it really seems to have vanished, just disappeared. We have not heard the cat and we still cannot find or smell the cat. But I have been wondering if something wierd is going on. Lately strange things have been happening again. The usual unfamiliar noises, my son and I were talking at the kitchen table downstairs and we heard a man say wooh or something. I thought maybe hubby was up and looking for me so I went upstairs and he was snoring away. Then the next night my mom heard someone knocking on her bedroom door and no one was there. Hubby was going thru some of her boxes in the garage. He was sweating and smelly and took off his t shirt and had scratches on his back. I made a joke about how next time tell her not to scratch so hard. I tried to see if I could make the same scratches and could not. They were red and deep scratches but disappeared about 20 minutes later. Then I was making dinner and I was on the phone when I heard my hubby (or so I thought) whisper my name. I turned around and noone was there. Now the cat seems to have disappeared.

But I am happy the cat is gone.

Me