for all the mommys out there with teenage daughters with boyfriends

[jasmine]

OK,

let me gain my composure, I am so livid right now, I can hardly contain myself.

Ready??

My daughter has a digital camera. She told me that our computer was no longer reading the memory card whenever she put it into the computer. So today I thought I would mess with it to see if I could get it to read.
I went to her room, the memory card (to her cell phone), was right there on top of her dresser in plain view, I wasn't snooping.
So, I grabbed it and took it into the living room, stuck it in the computer and put it in. It popped up, so I clicked on view... anyway. So yeah, I started to look at all the pictures that she had. To my surprise, she has a nude picture of a certain body part (get my drift) of her boyfriend on there. She is only a freshman. Please Please don't tell me that she is a teenager yada yada, this is my baby, the one that comes to me and talks to me, that is open with me about a lot of things in her life. SO, how do I handle this? I don't want her thinking I was snooping through her things. BUT, I certainly don't want this to slide.
I also was looking on the computer, which is public information to anyone, I just clicked on pictures through the windows photo galary, you know how when you scan your mouse over a picture that it will tell you the date and time that the picture was taken? Well any way, there are three pictures in a row, 2 of her boyfriend with no shirt on, and then one of my daughter, it doesn't show her cleavage, but you can tell that she doesn't have any top on cause she is totally skin. The pictures are 3 in a row, each one about a minute apart, so you know that they were tooken all in a row, my idea is that they were taking pictures of eachother.
Sometimes I drive her over to her boyfriends house to spend a couple of hours there, and every time I walk up to the home and make sure that the mother is home.... so I thought everything was cool. She is SO NOT going to do ANYTHING for a long time.
How do I approach her without me loosing my cool?

[fleabones3]

Ok, here is my advice..
Wait until you are completely cool and calm, even if it takes a couple of days. If you start out ticked off,she will automatically go defensive ( as I am sure you know). Explain to her that you were just trying to fix the camera and you came across those pics, and that you trusted her to do what is right. I would also call the b/f mom and tell her what you found.

[sunflowers]

Your not alone. This happened to my step daughter. Her mom caught her taking pics and sending them to people in chat rooms. She basicaly sat down with her and told her about the dangers online. How kids have ended up dead, missing etc. Scare the crap out of them if ya have to!!

She also had all her emails taken away, all her accts online and was watched closely for a couple of months.Until she earned the trust back again.

Now she has 1 email that the mom can check every now and then and the mom checks the history too.

[Jenefer3]

I've had this talk with both of my daughters and let them know that once it's a picture, anyone can end up with it...you may trust the person you send it to but what happens if that person gets mad or someone else gets ahold of it? Their cousin took pictures of herself in skimpy panties and a bra and sent them to her boyfriend (she was 16 at the time) and once they broke up, he put them on his myspace page and all of a sudden lots of people had her pictures. Jess was devastated and so embarrassed..she wanted to quit school but her dad wouldn't let her. He said it's got to serve as a lesson to her. I'm hoping my girls don't do that but in this day and age, who knows.

I would definitely wait until you're calm and cool and then talk to her. You don't even have to necessarily say you saw the pictures..you could just bring up the subject and talk with her about it.

[pepperpot]

Got duct tape a tree out back? :agree

[Renrut]

I don't know what I would do hoenstly besides blowing up at her which I know is not cool. I swear God knew what he was doing when he gave me a boy!!

[jasmine]

thought about hanging her up by the toe-nails from the clothes line and beating her like an old rug.
Needless to say, I have calmed down a bit, and will just casually talk to her, bring up the whole sex conversation again, and maybe that will lead to other discussion... I will have to wait untill the time is right though. I am still a little to aggravated. Needless to say, I will never look at her boyfriend the same way again. And I will not tell her father (my ex), he would go on a killing spree.
I love her, and I know her heart, so I am here for her, and will talk to her about all of this, sometime hopefully soon. I have to have an open mind to hear her out before jumping through the roof.

[jasmine]

I don't know what I would do hoenstly besides blowing up at her which I know is not cool. I swear God knew what he was doing when he gave me a boy!!


Arn't little boys so sweet and adorable, I just want to hug and squeeze mine all the time.
I can definitely tell the difference between boys and girls already even though he is only 1 1/2. Boys are so much more laid back and less tempermental.
BUT, now I have to worry about that mom out there with her daughter that will get mad at me........ such a long ways off to even think about though.

[atprm]

phone + memory card + camera + anger + hammer =

oh wait there is already a similar incident posted on the N&I forum.

how old is she jasmine?

[jasmine]

phone + memory card + camera + anger + hammer =

oh wait there is already a similar incident posted on the N&I forum.

how old is she jasmine?


15 1/2

I know, she's getting older, but she's only a freshman.

[atprm]

thankfully the only thing that my now 18 year old did with her first boyfriend was have him in her room during a bbq last summer ...

it lasted a whopping 5 or 6 minutes and HIS mother was screaming at both of them (our house)... you would have thought she was going to have a stroke or something.

At any rate -- both of the kids are homeschoolers, so not around the more promiscuous peer types.

I would calm down and have a deep heart to heart with her and let her know that what you found while you were trying to fix your printer/computer and her memory card is not acceptable and WHY it's not acceptable.

[ElleGee]

You need to explain to her that pics like that got some 14 yr old girl child pr0n charges.. Put the fear of that into her as well...

[wubbywa]

I feel for what you are going thru. Since she is 15 1/2 she is under age. Just recently there was something similar in the news where a boy sent pictures of his ex or maybe was still the girlfriend to his friends cell phones. It might even have been a myspace or something ANYWAY the boy and every other boy after that are in major trouble because it was considered child pornography. That can easily happen if they break up and hate each other. Good luck

[dinosmom]

I just read of a situation similar and I think both kids were charged with having child porn because they each had nude pics of the other on their computers/cell phones! I want to say the kids were 16!!!!!

[YankeeMary]

For starters I have to say this...you don't have to explain yourself to her or anyone else for that matter. It is your home and your rules. She is under the age of 18 it is your RIGHT to snoop if you feel the need to...Period. I don't snoop in my boys things but if I felt the need to, you better believe I would. We owe it to our children to keep their best intrest at heart and if that means "invading their privacy" then so be it.
I would just lay it out for her how "wrong" it is to have this type of behavior and that you love her and worry about her. Like others have said, it is considered child porn. Wouldn't it be horrible if she got in trouble like that and have to be registered as a sex offender? It so isn't worth it.
If your child is mad at you or better yet says she hates you then you are doing your job. I just posted that in another thread. I wish you the best. The hardest job in the world is being a mommy.

[Taterbo]

I really do not think kids understand how things like this can come back to haunt them in later years...Look at the mess the Phelps kid is in with one picrure on the net..and the tons of moey it has cost him...I hope this was a one time deal amd it never happens agin..I wish the best in dealing with this. I would qalso be sitting and having a talk with the BF also..let him jnow this will not happen ever again.

[Mary Jo]

I just read somewhere that an 17 or 18 year-old male had pictures of his underage girl friend, got caught and now is a registered sex offender which will follow him for the rest of his life. Now that he is older he can't get a decent job because of it, will be prevented from living near a school, etc.
You may want to find that story and casually bring it up to her. Tell her that if she really "loves" a person that she wouldn't want to be responsible for something like that.

Another thing that's related is that a lot of businesses check social networking sites and things on there could prevent people from getting jobs. I know that where I work does it and I was just talking to a relative who is a nurse and she says that the hospitals do it.
She said that they were trying to decide who to lay off and did some research and found a nurse who said on-line that her job was easy. Guess who got laid off (and it wasn't my relative)?

[whatever]

phone + memory card + camera + anger + hammer =

oh wait there is already a similar incident posted on the N&I forum.

how old is she jasmine?

Yep I don't have kids but that would be my impulse. LOL
Okay can you erase them. And then calmly explain to her (like other posters stated) how its wrong esp. at her age. And for now on maybe tell her you willnow be checking her phone, camera for now on.

[pepperpot]

Erase them....make a sign that says...."I saw them, we need to talk" and then take a picture using her phone of yourself holding the sign.....(and a bat)....

The look on her face when she figured it out....would be priceless....:lol

*sorry, I know it's serious, but that would be good....:agree :lol

[April78945]

I wouldn't wait to cool down at all. When I was 16 and just using a computer, I gave my home address to a whole yahoo chatroom. I started getting postcards from all over the world (thankfully that is all) and one day my mom checked the mail, called me to come home (I was next door) and didn't even wait for me to close the front door before beating the **** out of me.
There is no calm and rational way to go about it. I'm sorry but that is why so many kids are getting away with things these days, everyone is too scared to do anything for fear of child protection services. I don't spank my kids, but if my daughter ever came home with pictures of herself and a BF naked, I'd do more than that.

[sunniekiss]

Ok here I go. I don't have daughters however i do have sons who are thankfully over 21.
It is pretty obvious that they took these pictures when they were together. If you confront her while you are very angry you will loose any communication between the two of you. The last thing you need at this point is not to be able to communicate with her. If you loose communication with her the person she will most likely communicate with is her boyfriend. That is so bad because the end might result in her being pregnant at 16, running away or both. That you do not want.
Taking the stance of "my home my rules" only applies to when they are in YOUR home. You can not enforce rules at her boyfriends house. You can limit their time together but they will still find away to see each other. They are 15, madly in love & have raging hormones. Your yelling will not be able to compete with that.
When my ds was 18 I was cleanning his room & found a pack of condoms. I took them & placed them on top of his brand new comforter so he knew I saw them. He didn't bring it up so after awhile I baked cookies & took some into his room & we had A TALK. At first they were "a friends" then he said at least we are using protection. He went back to college a few days later so I was OK for awhile. ( She was still in high school)
Next time he was home I ran into him at KMart & he was all of a sudden turning bright red & holding something behind his back. Yep a box of Trojans.
I went up with him when he paid for them now even redder than a Santa suit. I then followed him up to his g/f's house where her Mom & I had a very calm discussion about the situation.
My opinion was they were pretty much adults so I could not tell them what not to do but if they were to continue having sex they needed to use 2 forms of birth control. Her Mom agreed so she went on the pill.
They will both graduate from college soon & then paln to get married. My son can & does confide in about everything.
If I had yelled, screamed & carried on I would have lost that openess & communications.
You have to approach your dd woman to mini-woman. Be her friend not her adversary.
Good luck!

[jasmine]

Just wanted to say thanks for all the advice :)

My daughter and I talked today. We both cried... it was a good talk though. No one got upset, she listened to me, and I listened to her with a open heart. Obviously I won't go into those details of the talk. But I did put some fear into her, without being mean. I approached it in such a way that she would still come to me and be open and talk. And reassured her that I loved her, and I was here for her. But there is much more that went on........... my heart is broken. My little girl.
I really don't know what else to say, I am still upset about the whole thing.

[tunisia]

here in my city there was an incident where a girl sent a nude pic to her boyfriend, they broke up, the boyfriend spread it around, and she committed suicide. pretty girl, about 17; just a shame. Her mom has been on the national news recently trying to get the word out.

I agree with the above poster that you should mention to her what could and may well happen should they break up. does she want her pics posted around the web? might serve as a wake up call so no further (or worse) pic will be taken.

[jasmine]

here in my city there was an incident where a girl sent a nude pic to her boyfriend, they broke up, the boyfriend spread it around, and she committed suicide. pretty girl, about 17; just a shame. Her mom has been on the national news recently trying to get the word out.

I agree with the above poster that you should mention to her what could and may well happen should they break up. does she want her pics posted around the web? might serve as a wake up call so no further (or worse) pic will be taken.


I did, I told her all about being registered as a sex offender. I told her, do you really want that? Think about when you become a mommy, you won't even be able to take your child to school or live near a park, or take your kids to the park........ she cried.
In fact, she just called form church and asked if that boyfriend could come over. HELLO, I said NO, I don't think that I care to see him for a while, infact I have SEEN to much of him that I care to!!!!!! uuugggghhhh

[CLARKS4]

:hug I dont know what else to say

[klutzie56]

Dr. Phil is always talking about this on his show. He says two many parents are afraid of their children and loosing their friendship. You are the one responsible for her until she is eighteen.

[jasmine]

ok, so I told her that I would not tell her father, that this was me and her thing (daughter and mother...) we are divorced and he is no longer in the home, also he is a cop, and has already given her boyfriend a "after curfew" ticket.
BUT, I am STILL really debating on wether or not calling the boys mother and telling her about this. Would you want to know?
My DD says please, no. Because it would cause a big mess with it all......
I don't know, I have since deleted pics, but I am sure he hasn't.

[Urban Cowgirl]

Not that you asked, but...

I think its a mistake to keep secrets from him....he is her Father. Even though you are divorced, it may help if she sees you parenting as a united front.

[Urban Cowgirl]

Yes I would want to know if it involved my kid.

[LadyEm]

Great job on maintaining your cool. My mom wasn't exactly a "snooper" (not that you are), but I could have sworn that she had spies all over my hometown. I couldn't get away with anything AND now I'm thankful!!! As for telling the boy's mother (not sure what your decision is/was), that's a sticky situation. You run the risk of her telling other mothers or he could take it out on her if he gets in trouble and do the whole "rumor mill" that is part of highschool. On the other hand, maybe this mother deserves to know what's going on with her son. It's probably not the best advice but I would probably skip on telling her about this incident, but insist that your daughter have him delete all the photos as well if that's possible. Also, this could in fact hamper future communication between the two of you. As for not telling your ex, I think some things should just stay between mother and daughter regardless of the parent's marital status. Fathers seem to view situations involving their "baby girl" in a different light. (I'm knocking on 30, married, and with children of my own and my dad is still trying to convince himself that it had to be immaculate conception.)

Maintaining open communication is key, and you seem to be doing a fantastic job! Remember the teen years only last for a limited amount of time!!!

[Wildkats]

If you dont' have little ones around, take the pictures and put them as a screen saver on the computer. Then let her explain them to you!

[Urban Cowgirl]

If you dont' have little ones around, take the pictures and put them as a screen saver on the computer. Then let her explain them to you!

Exploiting her is a bad idea! It does not set any kind of example, get rid of it!

[tngirl]

All I have to say is that I am glad that my kids are grown.