Am I overreacting????

[hotwheelstx]

My ex-sil who I really don't care for...but stay "friends" due to my niece is driving me insane.

First off she marries a guy last year that has 2 daughters from a previous marriage. Those girls don't know a manner if it hit them in the face. Anyway, they all want to be a "happy" family....good for them, go for it. They live with their bio mom somewhere here in town.

Ever since she's married this new guy my "responsibilities" to my niece have gotten bigger and bigger. First it was could I buy her her school clothes for the year?....along with shoes, hair stuff, school supplies. I did that and didn't complain since my niece and I do get along and she misses my mother (her grandmother) greatly. I was picking her up from school 2 days a week since her mother works late on those days. That went o.k. for awhile.....now this:

Her husband (new one) was an HPD officer for over 10 years. He quit his job last month to join some "church"...and he's all into that. So is my ex-sil. He also worked at the apt. complex they lived at in exchange for free rent....that wasn't a problem.

This past week they've moved into a "dive" of an apt. Ex-sil asked if I would enroll niece in school she's in kindgarten. I said yes. It's closer to where I live and she could take the bus home that would drop her off right in front of where they live.

Next....last Tuesday sil asked if I would buy niece's new uniforms for school.....I told her that I didn't think/feel it was my responsibility and if that were the case I'd bought her school clothes in August (no uniforms at old school) and thought that was enough.

Sil called a few minutes ago and asked if I could p/u daughter from school now everyday, pay for her school lunches and so on.

My brother does pay child support....faithfully and on time. It just makes me wonder where the money goes to.

When Aggie and I dropped off our niece lastnite we went into their new apt. I kid you not....there wasn't one lick of food or drink in that apt. Niece is sleeping on the floor (in sleeping bag) and new hubby is just going to church everyday.

Then yesterday while I was at McDonald's with niece I asked her what she had had to eat, about school......she told me that "Mommy's been taking my lunches you bought for me for her to eat at work".

I know she's eating at school....when I enrolled her I gave $14.00 to the lunch lady in case niece forgot her lunch, wanted ice cream, extra milk.

Did I fail to mention ex-sil had a baby last May....he's treated like the king. He's not going without.

If I say something then I probably won't get to see my niece (sil has a really bad temper). If I don't niece still will suffer.

Brother-niece's bio dad isn't any help either. Since we're going thru probate with my mother's estate he refuses every oppertunity to speak to me. I haven't spoken to him "civilly" since my mother's viewing in 06.

That's it...off my vent. I'm just at a loss. Damned if I do, damned if I don't.

[DAVESBABYDOLL]

Why don't you just ask id the little one can stay with you? The money is probably going into the collection box at "church".

[speedygirl]

WTF is up with her? Can you say emotional blackmail!! You're being much nicer then I could ever be. Your ex SIL is treating you like "the help" albeit, UNPAID help. She chose to have children and it's her responsibility to provide for them. I know you do it for the love of your niece and to maintain a relationship with her but your ex SIL is using that to her own advantage. So to answer your question, NO you aren't over reacting.

[hotwheelstx]

Why don't you just ask id the little one can stay with you? The money is probably going into the collection box at "church".

That wouldn't go over AT ALL. I've thought about it seriously. She'd (niece) would (I think) be better off living here w/Aggie and I. She'd go to school, have meals. A least a routine she could depend on.

[hotwheelstx]

WTF is up with her? Can you say emotional blackmail!! You're being much nicer then I could ever be. Your ex SIL is treating you like "the help" albeit, UNPAID help. She chose to have children and it's her responsibility to provide for them. I know you do it for the love of your niece and to maintain a relationship with her but your ex SIL is using that to her own advantage. So to answer your question, NO you aren't over reacting.

She's in "love", has a new baby that's all the rage. I truly only put up with this "girl" because she is my niece's mother. My own brother hasn't seen his first born in over a year or more.

I understand about church, giving, going...but quitting a job that paid over $30,000 a year? That I don't comprehend. Plus, her new husband has child support payments of over $800.00 a month....where's that money going to come from? I'm waiting on 1-new hubby to be arrested, 2-eviction notice, 3-niece calling me so upset that she can't take it anymore....she's only 6!!!

I understand that we can't direct our childhood but HOLY CRAP this is truly uncalled for in my book. Just totally irresponsible on both "adults" parts.

[DAVESBABYDOLL]

That wouldn't go over AT ALL. I've thought about it seriously. She'd (niece) would (I think) be better off living here w/Aggie and I. She'd go to school, have meals. A least a routine she could depend on.

That's really sad. What about "sleep overs" at your house? You know the occasional night overs? At least that way you know she would eat. As for the lunches, umm, I would stop that and just give the money to the school, that way your niece eats and her mom doesn't eat what was intended for the little one. What a skank ,eating her childs lunch.

[hotwheelstx]

That's really sad. What about "sleep overs" at your house? You know the occasional night overs? At least that way you know she would eat. As for the lunches, umm, I would stop that and just give the money to the school, that way your niece eats and her mom doesn't eat what was intended for the little one. What a skank ,eating her childs lunch.

Sleepovers I've done. However, I was informed that sil new hubby's daughters will be visiting more since they live closer and I have to take them as well. My niece doesn't care for them at all.

The 2 other girls are always and forever teasing my niece since she's half spanish but doesn't look like it. These girls are 100 percent spanish and so is the new baby. She (niece) has my family's coloring.....brown hair, brown eyes, she's very skinny like my brother, mother.....skin is as white as a sheet. If I didn't see my ex-sil pregnant many times I'd swear she wasn't her child....they look nothing alike. There is NOTHING ABOUT MY NIECE that would make anyone think her mom is her mom. Everyone thinks when we're out that she's either my daughter or granddaughter....that's how much we look alike.

[iluvmybaby]

Why don't you just ask id the little one can stay with you? The money is probably going into the collection box at "church".

Sounds like a cult to me. What church expects you to quit your job?

[pepperpot]

:hug I hope things get better. You're a good aunt. :agree

[Mary Jo]

You are definitely under-reacting
These people sound like religious whackos.
Can you talk to niece's school counselor?
If you wanted to be hardcore, you could trying calling social services and see if you could get custody of the niece.

[DrGrin]

You are definitely under-reacting
These people sound like religious whackos.
Can you talk to niece's school counselor?
If you wanted to be hardcore, you could trying calling social services and see if you could get custody of the niece.

Calling social services might sound like a good idea, but before that happens she needs to find out how they operate in her state. In some states, the person that files a report of suspected abuse can't get custody of the child they are reporting a problem with.

[Anniston]

You are a terrific auntie. Good for you, wish I could give you a hug. I am so sorry you have to deal with this. SIL is beyond taking advantage.

Seems to me that going to the school counselor may be your best option. Of course paying for her lunches to be had at school is a must. It makes me ill to think of a mom taking her child's lunch. Your hands are a bit tied with the SIL having a temper. It seems paramount to me that you need to stay in that wonderful girl's life, at all costs, because from what you said, the church seems suspicious.

[sandooch]

You are definitely a loving and caring auntie. Your ex-SIL is a selfish person who is just taking advantage of your love for your niece. I cannot even imagine asking my sister to pay for this or that for my girls. That is my responsibility, not hers.

I am so sorry you are going through this and that you and your brother are not on speaking terms. I hope everything works out for you.

[Jackie_Blu]

I dont think you are over reacting at all, in fact, quite the opposite. From what you have described here, it sounds as tho if you wanted to, you could take custody of the girl. You buy all her clothes, lunches that her mother steals and eats (I agree with DBD, she's a skank).
Its bullsh!t that you would have to take her new hubby's girls if you take your niece, just b/c they are visiting at the time. They are nothing to you. The whole purpose of their visit is to spend time with their Dad and new Step Mommy~[dearest]. I would refuse to take them and explain why; to both her and her dh. Sounds like she just wants to unload them.
I so hope something good will happen for your niece's sake. Are you sure she wouldnt let her come live with you? Doesnt sound like she really wants her anyway, cept maybe for the food you give her that she can steal.
:hug good luck, you will need it.

...you are an awesome Aunt for doing all you have for your niece. You are probably all she really has that is good, loving, and caring in her life. Bless you.

[shadowcats]

seems to me your going to have to make some serious decisions soon about how much you want to care for your neice and how much you want to protect her. if you can afford it , you should make any payments though the school for her lunches, and have them make note of this, since her mother seems to be taking her food, and keep a diary of her calls and requests for clothes , care , costs , etc,,,,,,,, you may need it one take to take custody of her,,,,,,,, poor thing,,,,,,,,you mite suggest to her since she has a new baby , maybe your neice could come and stay though the weekdays at your home and come home on weekends , so it ll be easier for you to bring her to school and easier on gas,,,,,,,just an idea........ these situations are so hard to deal with , not knowing how her mother feels about her daughter , i dont know if she's just trying to provide in what ever way she can for her daughter or just trying to use you,,,,,,either way it'll be up to you to know what her feelings are , maybe you can get her alone and talk seriously to her and find out the situation,,,,,, what about your brother is he totally ignorring the situation of just dont care,,,,,,,, believe me i have 3 sisters and know they can be idiots,,,,,,, well if theres any thing i can advise you email me and ill try and tell you what i can, i was a ministers wife for 15 years raised three of my own and 2 fosters ,,,,, and believe me this situation goes on all the time, an its usually the little ones who get hurt,,,,and if you decide not to step in she ll probley get more abuse from home. sigh,,,,,,,,hugs to you
sharon

[baragabrat]

My mother died when I was 6 and a month later on my seventh birthday, my dad married again. She had a son who was given the world. I got to make my own lunch. All I can remember is bologna. Never got snacks at any time. No milk in school or before or after. I remember my clothes were junky and there was really no one to look after me. In the wintertime I was locked out of the house until "mom" wanted to let me in. This is all before age 12. It gets worse before it gets better, but my point is there was no one there for me at any time. Be there for your niece however you see fit. Let her know you love her. .... It took me a very very long time to get past my poor childhood. Fortunately I succeeded and am a happy person today.

In fact, it sounds like it wouldn't hurt if social services became involved. My life might not have been the hell it was if someone had intervened for me.

[gmyers]

Keep track of whats going on and anything she tells you is happening to her. Keep dates and if you ever have to try to get custody you will have evidence. I really hope they're treating her right when no ones around. And keep receipts of the things you're buying for her.

[CLARKS4]

:hug I'm sorry that you have to suffer and so does she. It's not right.
The "church" does sound like a cult.
I was thinking like DBD, start out with sleepovers that gradually just turn into to her living with you.

[dangerousfem]

baragabrat :hugs My heart aches for the childhood you had... I just don't understand people who abuse children... I can't wrap my mind around it....I am glad that you have a better life now.




OP.. as for your situation.. I think you may want to seriously think about calling someone... if this is how she treats your niece publicly... imagine what she could be doing behind closed doors.

[hotwheelstx]

Thanks everyone for your replies.

Lastnite after Aggie got home from taking our niece home he said that she wanted to show him her "new church". They drove by it.....it's in a warehouse and it's a pentecostal church. They only speak in spanish there she said.

1-I don't have a problem w/anyone's religion. Just don't involve me in it, plz.

2-It's in a WAREHOUSE? Aggie said it really was a warehouse in a really bad part of Houston.

3-Prior to ex-sil getting remarried sil/niece were going to Lakewood Church w/Joel Olsteen. Niece really liked that church, has a daycare in it, lots of activities that she could participate in. This is where sil met new hubby at....Lakewood. I'm not sure why they stopped going there.

I'm not a very religious person AT ALL. However, I've been to Lakewood with niece because she asked me to go, was in a Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving play....also in the choir, NO BIGGIE OFF MY BUTT....I did it for her.

Her mother also informed Aggie when he was dropping off niece that she couldn't come over if the other "girls" weren't allowed to come over. I never said they couldn't. There was an incident summer before last with the oldest one (12) of demanding that I buy her something just because she wanted it. She threw a fit in the store because I wouldn't get it for her. I had all 3 girls with me at the time, just left the store.

It was explained by my niece before we went anywhere what was expected of everyone....don't whine, cry, complain, wait your turn, be polite, don't argue and so on. As soon as that girls feet hit the pavement it was "give me, give me"....I said no. Got called out on that one by their dad (new stepdad) that I should of bought what she wanted. NO ONE got anything that day or got to do anything because of this girls behavior....that was made very clear before we left my house if anyone misbehaved we'd come back home....no questions asked. My niece doesn't even pull that crap on me. She knows better. She pulled something on me one time and that was the last time....she learned really quickly I wasn't fooling around.

Aggie and I are going to discuss our options this weekend. We can afford to keep her but I'm not sure how niece would take it. I'd gladly take her home to be w/her mom and she could call her at anytime day/night.

Aggie also said that he took her to McDonald's after school and bought her a snack. When leaving she asked if he'd buy her some more chicken McNuggets so she could hide them under the bed!!!!

Plus her mother had a fit about the new clothes for school.....I called her on that one. I called the new school myself and asked about the dress code...it's uniforms. I was informed on where to buy them, how much they cost. Mom apparently doesn't think they "cover" niece very well. It's long khaki pants, blue skirts, green or white polo shirts....that's all she's allowed to wear to school....unless there's a special day you don't have to.

Don't ask me about her other set of grandparents....they've all but disowned their daughter (niece's mom)...due to who she's married to, what she's done in the past. They love granddaughter but are kept away from her due to relationship between daughter/her parents.

Niece has no grandparents on my side. Brother's dad is gone (deceased) our mother passed away 2 years ago. She doesn't see my brother much anymore...she does talk to him but that's about all since he has a "new family". Whatever happened to being the first? That's what gets me......long story but I was almost 17 when my brother was born. I was NEVER left out of anything....still made to feel I was "special" being the first child, a girl, grandchild and so on. I LITERALLY WASN'T LEFT OUT OF ANYTHING TIL THE DAY MY MOTHER PASSED AWAY. I think niece should feel/be treated the same.

If I wasn't having problems with my brother (over probate) having to sell our mother's home I would of gladly moved back home. Niece could of lived with us there. She's going to the same elementary school brother and I both attended. It's changed a lot since I went over 30 years ago but it's basically the same in a lot of ways.....niece could walk home from school safely, bus drop off is literally right in front of my mother's house. It's a nice neighborhood...nothing like where niece is living now. I know just about everyone there....I grew up with all the children.

BTW....I think it's really odd that Aggie told me that sil mentioned that niece had to be home by 6:00 pm to go to church at 9:00 at night. She can stay up later on Fridays and Saturdays but still I can think of more fun things for a 6 year old to do on a Friday night.

I have kept all the receipts from what I've bought for school this year. I give sil copies of everything....she doesn't care. She told me last week when I bought the new school clothes that I "owed" my niece those clothes. NO, I DON'T. I did it out of love, kindness of my heart for her and no one else. She didn't want to feel out of place, different....I totally understand that.

Tell you one thing I'm not taking those 2 other girls. They're not my nieces, they don't like me, vice versa. Think I'm to strict, mean. Niece doesn't have her pick/choose of a lot of things but I do let her choose what clothes she wants to wear, food, what she wants to do. There's not to many times I've really said no....it doesn't matter to me. It's what she wants to do.

Never thought in my wildest dreams at 45 I'd have a child that I would totally be responsible for.....more or less. That's why I chose very young not to have any of my own. I know how responsible I am, what I will/won't do. However, at this stage of life your perspective change a lot from when you were younger.

Hopefully over the weekend Aggie and I can come up with a solution that will work for everyone. I just want niece to be safe, happy, taken care of.

Thanks for all the replies.

[mikang]

I'm so sorry to hear about your trouble with your ex-sil. I've been where you are and I know it's so hard. In the end I had to call social services on my ex-sil. I have never regretted it. My husband and I ended up having my nephew for over 2 years. You are a great aunt and your niece knows you are and she probably thinks of you and your husband as parents more than she does her own.
If I were you I wouldn't take the other two girls either, your niece probably needs some time away from them. It sounds like ex-sil and new hubby can't handle them and just want to pawn them off on you. I sure hope things get better for your niece. It sounds like the only way they will get better is for her to live with you and your hubby. Good Luck!

[jedmatters]

Call DHS NOW!!!!
You are in Texas, and it is anonymous here.
You need to make the complaint about the home, the lack of food, cleanliness, and health issues.
They will examine the home and if it is in the shape as you describe when they show up... you will most likely get a call.
They try to place children with family, and since you know the little girl's routine, and are close enough to keep her in school, and she is comfortable there.. you will most likely get temporary custody of her while they straighten their butts up.
Do not warn her of you plan, and call as soon as you can.

You need to get her into a healthier environment before something happens that is beyond her comprehension, and she is lost forever.

[baragabrat]

The more I read the posts in this thread, the more my heart hurts for this little one. Back when I was a child the notion of respecting a child was ludicrous. But today I feel that every child deserves respect. How can they grown up to respect others if they have no self-respect? And how can they get that if their parents treat them like dirt? I don't think your sil even wants or knows how to love this child. And she shouldn't have her! She was given a gift in this child and has no idea how to appreciate her!

She makes me sick!

[fleabones3]

Beat the sil a$$!! ( j/k sort of)

I am with the others-- I doubt talking with the sil and her new hubby that things will get better. All they would do is block all access to your niece then you wont know anything. I would talk to a lawyer and or dhs . that is bullcrap that they " expect" you to buy her school clothes, pay for her lunches, pick her up, and now add 2 more kids to the list, and those 2 sound like spoiled brats.

[hotwheelstx]

fleabones3,

Exactly one of my points. If I said ANYTHING to either "parent" there would go all access to my niece. She's done it before when my mother was still with us.....we didn't see her for almost 2 years. That's a lot of time when they're toddlers, getting teeth, learning to walk.

I'm calling DHS on Monday. Niece is here with us now. She called earlier this afternoon said that she hadn't had anything to eat since Aggie dropped her off lastnite and her mother and their dad were taking the other girls to the movies. She never said she was going.

I know she loves her mother, wants to be with her. However, if you can't take care of your children don't have them.

She (mother) was doing a lot better before she remarried, had another child herself. I'm not calling the other grandparents....then there would be a war....that I don't want to be the cause of. That'll really set everyone off and I for sure won't see my niece for a very long time.

Since niece got here around 12:00 or so she's eaten 4 times....almost full meals for her. Keeps asking me if I'm mad about it. I keep telling her if she's hungry eat. Now, she's getting fruit, snacks and hiding them around my house. I keep going behind her telling her she doesn't have to do that here....she's more than welcomed to anything/everything that I have in my house that she wants. Also, when Aggie picked her up today he was informed that she needed new jeans for school...would I buy them for her?

[BeanieLuvR]

That poor little kid. Thank goodness she has you and Aggie. I can see why you have to try to keep the peace with her mom and step dad. She needs you in her life because it sounds like you are the only stability she has. I am a Christian but I don't think what they are doing is right or what God would want. He should not have quit his job. His responsibilty is to provide for his family. You can have a job and still go to church and be involved. I also would not want to take the other two kids. If he is getting them on weekends then they should spend that time with him. It would not even be fair to them. That time is the time they need with their father. Good luck! Your niece is very lucky to have such a caring aunt. :hug

[hotwheelstx]

That poor little kid. Thank goodness she has you and Aggie. I can see why you have to try to keep the peace with her mom and step dad. She needs you in her life because it sounds like you are the only stability she has. I am a Christian but I don't think what they are doing is right or what God would want. He should not have quit his job. His responsibilty is to provide for his family. You can have a job and still go to church and be involved. I also would not want to take the other two kids. If he is getting them on weekends then they should spend that time with him. It would not even be fair to them. That time is the time they need with their father. Good luck! Your niece is very lucky to have such a caring aunt. :hug

Thank you. Since my mother passed away in 2006 niece doesn't/hasn't seen her bio. dad (my brother) for a long time....I'm literally the only one she has left on this side. Besides my aunt (mom's sister). I too think the other 2 girls should spend the time w/their dad. That's what they come over for. I don't feel responsibility toward those girls either. They're not a part of my family.....never have been and never will be. I just tolerate them when I see them.

[krisharry]

Wow, that poor little girl. What a tough situation to be in. Hoping for the best for your neice, your sil needs to have her azz kicked.

[ssgjeg]

You could always try killing her with kindness. Make like it is all about her and your just thinking of her and how tired she must be with the baby to take care of. Tell her she doesn't need to get up in the mornings after being with the baby and it would be easier on her if you took your neice during the weekdays.

It probably wouldn't be long before the little one was out of sight and out of mind.

Other than that social services and a lawyer would probably be your best options. That and as someone else suggested, the school counselor. If she says the wrong things to the counselor then social services has to be called.

[hotwheelstx]

You could always try killing her with kindness. Make like it is all about her and your just thinking of her and how tired she must be with the baby to take care of. Tell her she doesn't need to get up in the mornings after being with the baby and it would be easier on her if you took your neice during the weekdays.

It probably wouldn't be long before the little one was out of sight and out of mind.

Other than that social services and a lawyer would probably be your best options. That and as someone else suggested, the school counselor. If she says the wrong things to the counselor then social services has to be called.

Killing with kindness has never worked w/the "woman". It's been tried by the entire family. It's not spoken that I don't care for her as a mother, person...but I think she knows. She uses her daughter as a pawn. I'm not willing to risk not seeing niece again after some of the antics this girls caused over the past 11 years.

[ssgjeg]

I'm sorry for your neice. Looks like all I can offer is hugs. Hopefully you can find a solution for your neice.