Ok I'll ask for advice/opinions

[sunniekiss]

MuffinMom you really got my mind thinking & I am sorry if I came off rude but I am not really feeling well so I am a bit crabby.

Ok here goes. Like I might have said earlier, I have been dating a guy for almost 8 months. the main problem between us is physical distance with him being 100 miles away. Let me first add that I never thought seriuos feelings would develop between us. I knew him for over 10 years & NOTHING EVER happeneed between us.

Now that those feelings are there, might as well say it, love. The main obstacle for us being together is distance. That & his dd & grandson.

His dd is 27, doesn't work, never works & has no plans to ever work. She & her son live with my b/f. She keeps thinking she is going to eventually get SSI eventhough she has been turned down 5 times. Her son is ADD so that is why she thinks she should get SSI.

Last weekend we all had dinner together & she casually mentions that she is going to be so much happier when daddy, her & her son move in with me!!! I actually dropped my fork I was THAT shocked. She expects me to help get her son from being so hyper.

When we got home I explained to my b/f that there was no way in HECK that anyone of them were moving in with me PERIOD!

Now the dot was offered a easy job being a care giver to their landlord's wife who is ill with cancer. Basically she would be straightening up the house, helping with laundry, & just being in the house with the wife while the kids are in school. She was offered the job over a month ago & still has not called the guy back to start the job.

Last weekend I told my b/f he has until December of 2009 to have his daughter working & in a place of her own so that he would be free to closer to me so we can have an actual real relationship & not just a weekend relationship. Otherwsie I am going to start to look for a relationship with someone else.

let me note here that it would be easier for him to move up here since I own my home while he rents & he is also retired military with a full military pension.

Was i too harsh?

[mosdata1]

I think you were more than reasonable. Hopefully he will come to his senses, not continue to enable his DD's laziness, and not lose you.

[April78945]

I don't think you were too harsh but I do think he isn't going to follow through.
Obviously she has him wrapped around her finger and now she can also dangle the child in front of him. He has enabled her this long and I doubt he will cut her and her child loose for fear of not being able to see the grandson if she moves

[sunniekiss]

Thank you! I could have said THIS December but I am willing to give her time. Get this one, she was scheduled to take a civil service test & she would have gotten a job with the state as a data entry clerk starting at $15/hr. She claims to be "too afraid" to work. I think more "too lazy" to work.

I would LOVE to know how she is receiving welfare & food stamps if she is living with her father & he makes triple what I earn. hmmmmmm

Like I said he is a hardworking guy. He is working full time eventhough he is retired so he isn't bored all day. His other daughter graduated on Dean's List & is living on her own and working full time.

[BeanieLuvR]

Nope, not too harsh at all. You certainly gave a reasonable amount of time. I think though he will have a hard time bringing himself to do it. Good luck. I hope he follows through.

[gmyers]

I don't think you were harsh at all. If you don't be firm you'll end up with all of them living with you. But like someone else said I don't think he's going to ask the daughter to move out. She's probably guilt tripping him to keep letting her live with him because of the grandson.

[April78945]

I'm sorry..I read it as OCTOBER of THIS YEAR. LOL
My head is still spinning from that other thread. December 09 is very reasonable

[Mom2-3boys]

Good for you!!! Stand your ground you don't need to be mamma to his lazy a** daughter, you are not being harsh and you have given him ample time to decide if he loves you enough to make his daughter become a responsible adult (which she should be because of her child anyway!) so you can further your relationship!

[cabby92]

It's more than reasonable. Way more reasonable than I would be.

If she gets all of those benefits she must be lying.

[dangerousfem]

I think you were TOO reasonable.. there is no way I would spend another year and 4 months waiting on him to do the right thing. I think I would revise that .. and give her till the first of the year... Feb.. March.. no longer.. it doesn't take that long.. and if he makes as much as you say.. he can help set her up in a house or apt... so really all she has to do is get a job.. it doesn't take 16 months to do that... or.. have her get a job.. and she can stay in the place they are now.. and he can move to you.. that way there are no moving costs.. deposits.. ect...

[msmom79]

I think you were TOO reasonable.. there is no way I would spend another year and 4 months waiting on him to do the right thing. I think I would revise that .. and give her till the first of the year... Feb.. March.. no longer.. it doesn't take that long.. and if he makes as much as you say.. he can help set her up in a house or apt... so really all she has to do is get a job.. it doesn't take 16 months to do that... or.. have her get a job.. and she can stay in the place they are now.. and he can move to you.. that way there are no moving costs.. deposits.. ect...
i agree with dangerous-i think you are being way to reasonable-i wouldgive him till 12/08 and if i didnt see any changes,then i would move on.

[LuvBigRip]

I think you were TOO reasonable.. there is no way I would spend another year and 4 months waiting on him to do the right thing. I think I would revise that .. and give her till the first of the year... Feb.. March.. no longer.. it doesn't take that long.. and if he makes as much as you say.. he can help set her up in a house or apt... so really all she has to do is get a job.. it doesn't take 16 months to do that... or.. have her get a job.. and she can stay in the place they are now.. and he can move to you.. that way there are no moving costs.. deposits.. ect...

Ditto. My 37 year old sister is pretty much the same as his DD. Ten years later and she hasn't changed. Sadly, it was health problems my Mom has that forced her to cut my sister off.

[lassss]

at 27, she should have been on her own a LONG TIME ago. I think dec 09 is way too long..she should be able to work for 6 months and save up a nice little nest egg.

[Bahet]

If you tell them she has until the end of this year she will procrastinate until at least November before she even bothers trying to take care of herself. If you give her until Dec '09 she's not going to change anything at all for well over a year. If you want to give her a while to get on her own then put it in steps. She has to have a job by Dec. She has to pay down any debt and start saving for her own place and she has to move out by the end of winter. If she doesn't do any portion of that then you need to be gone.

[cinnamonch]

Why the long wait? It is way past time for her to be on her own. Don't expect him to choose you over her. That is blood and it would very had to let them go, especially with the grandchild. BTW where is her mom?

[YankeeMary]

I feel for you. I understand that you love this man but I have to say RUN!!! Run away as fast as you can. If she is 27 and he hasn't "made" her grow up by now then he is never going to. Been there done that. You are getting ready to face one of the toughest roads their is. He will forever be "enabling" her even if she were to get her own place. Are you willing for him to financially support her for the rest of her life? Trust me he will. If you don't agree with it or support it, he will sneak and do it. Their relationship is SICK!!! What kind of father wouldn't want their child to stand on their own 2 feet by the age of 27??? That is just SICK!!! If you think her getting a job and having her own place will change anything, think again, it will not. Trust me, I know. When I met my dh his daughter was 21 and living at home getting almost $600 a month in SSI because of mental issues. He had just purchased her a new car, which he was paying insurance on it, she blew all her $ and he would give her "allowance" to clean her own room...LOL. No kidding. They called it allowance to justify his bad behavior. I was amazed at someone living for free, getting everything they wanted and did nothing in return. I thought it would all change once she got her own place, etc....WRONG!!! Once we married and "my money" became "our money" I put my foot down, only to find out later that he would sneak and give her money etc. It was and is SICK! That was several years ago and things are better but the past few years have been hell to endure. My sd has since married and had a child (which was taken from her by the state at birth and we have since adopted), she still continues to call and ask for money. and through the years dh finally seen he was enabling and not helping her so he is able to turn her down, but no worries, she just calls good ole grandma and gets it from her. So when grandma is broke, she gets money from us, so in a round about way my dh is still giving money to my sd. Not trying to be ugly or discourage you, just letting you see the other realistic side of it. Good luck to you, you are gonna have a tough row to hoe and alot of tears and heartaches in your future. HUGS!!!

[LuvBigRip]

I feel for you. I understand that you love this man but I have to say RUN!!! Run away as fast as you can. If she is 27 and he hasn't "made" her grow up by now then he is never going to. Been there done that. You are getting ready to face one of the toughest roads their is. He will forever be "enabling" her even if she were to get her own place. Are you willing for him to financially support her for the rest of her life? Trust me he will. If you don't agree with it or support it, he will sneak and do it. Their relationship is SICK!!! What kind of father wouldn't want their child to stand on their own 2 feet by the age of 27??? That is just SICK!!! If you think her getting a job and having her own place will change anything, think again, it will not. Trust me, I know. When I met my dh his daughter was 21 and living at home getting almost $600 a month in SSI because of mental issues. He had just purchased her a new car, which he was paying insurance on it, she blew all her $ and he would give her "allowance" to clean her own room...LOL. No kidding. They called it allowance to justify his bad behavior. I was amazed at someone living for free, getting everything they wanted and did nothing in return. I thought it would all change once she got her own place, etc....WRONG!!! Once we married and "my money" became "our money" I put my foot down, only to find out later that he would sneak and give her money etc. It was and is SICK! That was several years ago and things are better but the past few years have been hell to endure. My sd has since married and had a child (which was taken from her by the state at birth and we have since adopted), she still continues to call and ask for money. and through the years dh finally seen he was enabling and not helping her so he is able to turn her down, but no worries, she just calls good ole grandma and gets it from her. So when grandma is broke, she gets money from us, so in a round about way my dh is still giving money to my sd. Not trying to be ugly or discourage you, just letting you see the other realistic side of it. Good luck to you, you are gonna have a tough row to hoe and alot of tears and heartaches in your future. HUGS!!!

I couldn't agree more. My mom still "snuck" money to my sister even though my step-dad said No More. Please listen to those of us who have BTDT. They will not change.

[sunniekiss]

Ok I gave him that ling mainly because with the economy being so bad I know it will be tougher for her to be able to get a job that will pay enough for her to be self-sufficent.
I just hung-up on him. Why? Now realize she is receiving Food stamps. Now if it were me I would be just too willing to use my food stamps to make dinner for the family as my contribution. When we were on the phone she comes whinning to him asking if she could have $3 & borrow his car to go to Taco Bell!!! WTH!!!! It is only September 9th & she got her welfare check on the 3rd & she is BROKE????
I told him that he needs to get his life straightened out before he could be in my life. I am OFFICIALLY DONE!

[iluvmybaby]

Ok I gave him that ling mainly because with the economy being so bad I know it will be tougher for her to be able to get a job that will pay enough for her to be self-sufficent.
I just hung-up on him. Why? Now realize she is receiving Food stamps. Now if it were me I would be just too willing to use my food stamps to make dinner for the family as my contribution. When we were on the phone she comes whinning to him asking if she could have $3 & borrow his car to go to Taco Bell!!! WTH!!!! It is only September 9th & she got her welfare check on the 3rd & she is BROKE????
I told him that he needs to get his life straightened out before he could be in my life. I am OFFICIALLY DONE!

When you tell someone they have to chose their family over you, even though YOU are totally justified ((thats ridiculous)), you are always going to loose. If she hasnt stood on her own to feet in 27 years, she aint going to start tomorrow. Getting welfare and food stamps and all that, she can get low income housing, she just doesnt want to work and daddy lets her stay etc

[sunniekiss]

When you tell someone they have to chose their family over you, even though YOU are totally justified ((thats ridiculous)), you are always going to loose. If she hasnt stood on her own to feet in 27 years, she aint going to start tomorrow. Getting welfare and food stamps and all that, she can get low income housing, she just doesnt want to work and daddy lets her stay etc

EXACTLY my point! *LOL* She is even too lazy to get Section 8 Housing. Everytime she has an appointment for housing "something" keeps happening & she misses her appointment. The kicker was when she was telling me she is going to get SSI b/c she is too "afraid" to work. Give me a freaking break! Hey listen, I was scared to go out & get a job after being a SAHM for 25 years. But I did it & love working! She just basically wants to be a SAHM. I told her she had to be a WIFE first to have the "luxury" of being a SAHM.

They are in some serious need of family consuling. Thanks everyone!

[YankeeMary]

Ok I gave him that ling mainly because with the economy being so bad I know it will be tougher for her to be able to get a job that will pay enough for her to be self-sufficent.
I just hung-up on him. Why? Now realize she is receiving Food stamps. Now if it were me I would be just too willing to use my food stamps to make dinner for the family as my contribution. When we were on the phone she comes whinning to him asking if she could have $3 & borrow his car to go to Taco Bell!!! WTH!!!! It is only September 9th & she got her welfare check on the 3rd & she is BROKE????
I told him that he needs to get his life straightened out before he could be in my life. I am OFFICIALLY DONE!

Good for you. Now stand your ground. You deserve better, I promise.

[Freebeemom]

I think you need to be prepared to move on. This one sounds like it he won't change, unfortunatley. You need to be firm with this. I think that too often, people let their so walk all over them or think they will change them in a relationship, but it NEVER works out that way.
I feel for you. Love sucks, but you should prepare yourself.

[muffinmom]

Sunnikiss ! Hello no I didn't see anything you said as beinninng rude , some people , like me need help I need help to open my eyes. And I thank you and the others that posted nice replys . I knew writing it write off that I was going to be flamed, slammed , blasted mostly for not I guess not being good mother . I'm just glad that I may have made a small small difference , like making you think , that made me feel better.

[buglebe]

Thank you! I could have said THIS December but I am willing to give her time. Get this one, she was scheduled to take a civil service test & she would have gotten a job with the state as a data entry clerk starting at $15/hr. She claims to be "too afraid" to work. I think more "too lazy" to work.

I would LOVE to know how she is receiving welfare & food stamps if she is living with her father & he makes triple what I earn. hmmmmmm

Like I said he is a hardworking guy. He is working full time eventhough he is retired so he isn't bored all day. His other daughter graduated on Dean's List & is living on her own and working full time.

And she is afraid to work! Been there, done that. Forced myself to go back to school and get an education. My sister has needed to work for 20 yrs now but is afraid to work. There is such a thing. At this point he can not desert her. He won't desert her and the child. Right or wrong , he won't. Instead of offering him an untimatum , suggest that you both help her get into some of these classes all over the country that are helping housewifes get back into the work force. Most community colleges offer them under different names. One day he will be gone and she needs to be able to take care of herself. She is living in fear everyday that she will lose her support and if you make her feel threatened she will work to get rid of you too. You won't just be helping yourself and your situation, you will be giving her the biggest gift anyone can give her, self confidence and self reliance.