I don't know how to leave my husband

[April78945]

I have been a stay at home mother for 5 years now. I have a 5 year old daughter and a 2 year old son. I quit my job and devoted my life to raising these children and have been depending on my husband to be the head of the house. Well, he has gotten abusive and last month beat meup in front of my kids. That was the last straw, it's one thing to do it behind closed doors but to do it in front of the kids is just unforgivable.
But now, I have nowhere to go. He knows I am leaving, I told him I was leaving as soon as my daughter got out fo school for the year. My skills are excellent but everywhere I apply wants to know why I havent works in over 5 years and they seem to look down onme for "abandoning my career" to have children. WTF.
I feel like such a loser, I have actually applied for houseing to get out of here but my husband said he would rather see me dead than take the kids to the "ghetto". Even though I spoke to a woman at the housing place and she assured me I could get into a house and not the projects. To be honest, I wouldn't mind living in the projects for 2 years so I can go to school and get my life on track. The woman who is my case worker has told me that she can get me on food stamps and welfare for 24 months and that they will even send me to school and pay for daycare so I can get my life in order..why do I feel like a complete loser?? It's not my fault my husband turned into a monster and I have to leave. I held up my end of the bargain. I keep the house spotless, cook every meal from scratch, my children are well behaved, my daughter's school says I did such a wonderful job with teaching her and preparing her for school that they want her to completly skip Kindergarten (not going to happen though), I have sex when he wants, I do everything he asks me..he doesn't lift a finger in this house and he is acting like I am sucking money from him and have this wonderful "free" life where I can just sit around all day. He has NO idea what I do all day to keep the house running smoothly and has called me a "lazy C**t" about 3 times a week for the past 2 years. I can't handle it anymore. Now he is resorting to guilt trips. Saying he still resents his mother for making him live in the projects when he was little. Well, it wasn't his mothers fault either! His father killed a man and left her alone with 3 small children while he went to prison for life. What the hell else was she supposed to do??
Anyway, I don't plan on "screwing the system" as he says. I just need a bit of help to go to school and get on my feet so my children will be secure and most importantly SAFE. He says that they will resent me for leaving him and our home, I think they would resent me more for staying and letting them watch him beat me up. I actually think they will grow up to look up to me for leaving and being strog and doing it on my own.

I'm just confused as to what to do right now. I know what the right thing is (leave) and the easy thing (stay here and be a stay at home mom)....

ok..thanks for listening. Noone knows about this in real life because I have a HUGE irish family and I know my husband would be dead if it came out.

[cabby92]

Please make sure it is safe to stay. If he says he would "rather see you dead" than anything he may well mean it. My ex is a child psychologist and he spends too much time counseling kids that had fathers who felt the same way. They have a hard time recovering without a mom to turn to. Finishing the school year in a different place is a lot less harmful than learning to live without her mom. There are shelters you can go to today. They will help you figure it out from there.

[vicky122]

You are not confused at all you your self said it. The right thing to do is leave. There is nothing wrong with getting help. There is a differance between getting help and living of the system. Good luck to you and for the record I wouldn't care if my family knew what kind of man he was. You would then have the help of your family with you.

[ahippiechic]

Please don't stay there, get out as soon as you can. I made the mistake of staying with a man like that (and worse) and it only gets worse. You can't fix him, he has to do that for himself and sadly, sometimes it takes a lot for them to get help. I would so go to a shelter. They have excellent programs to help you get back on your feet. And as a taxpayer, I'd rather have you 'on the system' then have you or your children hurt.

You can call 1-800-799-SAFE and find shelter locations in your area and what the requirements are. They will also help with getting restraining orders or orders of protection should you need them. It would be better for your children to live in a shelter and/or the projects than to keep living with this going on in front of them, believe me I know. It was a long time ago for me, you never get totally over it, but you do learn to deal with the after effects. Don't be like me and have so many regrets about not getting out sooner!

This is my story, if you want to read it.
http://www.myhippiespace.com/domestic.html

[Unicornmom77]

I did some searching, but without knowing your area it is hard to search surrounding areas, use google and find a way to get out NOW! It will only get worse...

Battered women support (http://www.new-hope.org/servProg.html)

Massachusetts government help for abused women (http://www.mass.gov/?pageID=dorterminal&L=5&L0=Home&L1=Individuals+and+Families&L2=Child+Support+Services&L3=Help+%26+Resources&L4=Helpful+Information&sid=Ador&b=terminalcontent&f=cse_parents_domviol&csid=Ador)

Temp. Shelters in the state (http://www.workworld.org/wwwebhelp/temporary_shelters_massachusetts.htm)

[dangerousfem]

please don't wait till school is out.. go now.. go while he is at work... if he knows the day you plan on leaving.. the closer it gets to that day the worse the abuse will be.. also you need some proof of the abuse.. or else the courts are going to give him joint custody. (((hugs)))

[magenta]

Get out now.

You say you have a huge family, go to one of them. Today. Don't give the chance to kill you or one of your kids.

[flute]

I have to agree completely. Leave. Leave now.
If he is not willing to change (as it appears he isn't) - you have to leave him.

I am crying for you, I know all you want is for the best for your babies.
My prayers are with you. May God be with you on your difficult journey.

((Hugs Love & Prayers))

I agree w/magenta, go to your family you are blessed to have support - even if they threaten his life.

[jedmatters]

The caseworker knows you are being abused, and has not gotten you emergency help?
Go over her head. Get someone to get you out NOW.

Do not stay there another night.

Call the police, call the fire department... just get out with the kids NOW.

[ilikefree]

I agree with everyone else. Get out NOW! I don't know much about stuff like this, but could you enroll your daughter in another school and let the staff know not to release her to anyone but you? I'm not sure how the law works so if your husband would find out where her new school is, could he take her out since he is her father? Good luck and hugs to you all.

[4diego]

The "easy" way won't stay easy for long. My two youngest still hid under tables, etc... for like a year after I left their dad when anyone even raised their voice in our home. It was more disturbing to see what had been done to them emotionally than anything that was EVER done to me physically. I stayed married for 10 years trying to to "fix" him and make my marriage work. It was hard and there were times that all I wanted to do was give up and go back because it was easier. But that's been like five or six years ago and we are a fairly "normal" family now, I'm remarried (two yrs.) to one of the greatest men I've ever known. My kids are happy and loved and so am I. If I'd just stayed, who knows what would've happened. Get out and remind yourself that once your out, your exactly where your supposed to be in life and there will be a brighter future for you and your kids.

[mosdata1]

Leave now!!! Do not wait any longer the abuse will only escalate. My dad was abusive to my mother & she also didn't leave until he abused her in front of my older brother. You should go to your family first - DH needs to know that you have people in your corner. Isolating you from your family has only made him feel more invincible.
My prayers are with you & your wonderful children.

[CLARKS4]

I agree with the others, get out now. Go while he is working. Call your family get them to help you and then worry about the threats that he will receive later. If he is abusing you then what makes you think he wont do it to the kids. One day he might be mad at you and then one of the children says something, then they become the next victim. Dont wait call your family and get out now.

[buttrfli]

I agree with everyone else. Get out NOW. Hes already threatened your life, and thats way more important than waiting for your DD to finish the school year.

You need to tell your family. Don't worry about what they will or won't do, just let them know whats going on and get out.

I told my first husband that I was leaving. I didn't go as far as to tell him a date, but he knew I was going and told me that he'd kill me if I ever left.... he meant it and nearly succeeded in killing me w/ a baseball bat.

I can't say it enough... GET OUT!

[G'maDebbie]

((((Hugs))))) I want you to know that I spent the last 5 years of my 17 year marriage to a man just like this. I finally made him leave, and told myself that no matter what he does or says to me, I know once he is gone that I will never have to live under him again. DO NOT fall for the "living in the ghetto" crap he is pulling on you, that is his way of holding you back from leaving. He is trying to make you feel guilty and he obviously knows how to do that. I'm almost positive that your children are not going to care where they live as long as they have a safe, loving home, which is not what they have now. And who cares if you live on assistance, lots of people live on assistance until they can get back on their feet, after all, if he wasn't an abusive jackass, you wouldn't need any help... as long as you are not in this relationship, you will be fine. Get out ASAP!!! He is controlling, manipulative, and abusive to you, you deserve better. DO NOT let him make you feel guilty about anything you are doing, you are doing the right thing for you and your children. If you ever need to talk, you can always PM me. Good Luck to you!!

[sheila_361]

Leave now! I can vividly remember my real dad beating my mom up when I was 3 years old, I made a vow to my self that no man would ever lay a hand on me. Tell your family they'll help you.. You are in no way a loser1

[earnhardt1]

if you have family why not call them and ask for help... it is more important than your kids seeing you get your ass beat. it should not matter if school is over or not. what happens when he gets mad at the kids and beats them? leave while he is at work is always the easy way... take all the money out of the bank and just go

[Jackie_Blu]

First of all, it is never ok to suffer abuse, whether it is behind closed doors or not. Secondly, I agree with every one else....Call your family and get out now! Why are you worried about what they might do? The way he has treated you is inexcusable and you shouldn't try to protect him. You are very lucky to have a family who would be there for you, help & protect you and your children. Please call them immediately, and go to them.:hug
Dont allow him to make you feel worthless, either. You sound like a great person, and if you need state aid to get on your feet, by all means get it. As Vicky said getting a leg up to those that deserve it and are working toward being self sufficient is not anything like those that screw the system. Take care and please keep us posted.:hug

[PrincessArky]

I hope you take everyone's advice and get out now.............I know it is hard to leave when you have no job and little kids but believe me voice of experience it can be done :)

I will keep you and the kids in my prayers

[ladybugva]

You are NOT a looser!!! You feel that way b/c of your your husband has been treating you. DO NOT believe it. You need to get away from him to keep you and your blessings safe. You said you have a big family maybe one of them can help you, go to them. You also said you are worried about his safety, at this point, he lost all right in that when he started to be a bully and abuse you verbally or physically. I wish you the best and will pray for you and your family.

[galeane29]

I had to just skip to the end and I have not read anyones response yet.
GET OUT NOW!!! Do NOT wait! Do not think about your choices.
JUST DO IT. Dont listen to him if he tries to feed you a load of crap
like "I'll take the kids" " I make the money, you will never amount to anything"
"your a bad mother because...blablahblah"
Seriously, I'm speaking from experience. GET OUT! The abuse WILL get worse.
The verbal abuse, physical and mental abuse will wear you down to where you feel you have nothing.

So what if you need the "system". USE IT! You can get on your feet. You will be a better person for it. You NEED the help, DO IT!

I've got two shoulders God put them there for a reason :)

[Bliss]

You do need to get out of the enviroment. It's not healthy for your children or yourself. Chances are since he threatened your life - he will most likely follow through with it. Your children need you - if he does take your life, your children will be left with no parents.

Next time he lays his hands on you call the police or pick up an iron skillet and bust him over the head with it.

[lexasmommy]

Please leave now. I am a domestic abuse survivor and I worked at an Battered Women's shelter. It only gets worse as time passes. Don't wait to leave. There have been so many women who waited to leave and only left because they left in a body bag. I hate to sound so harsh but so many women and children die every year at the hands of their abusers. WINGS does a display every year with the shoes of women and children who were unable to walk away. Please go now. Please.

http://www.new-hope.org/

http://www.moondragon.org/moondragon/domviol.html

http://www.janedoe.org/involved/involved_awareness_DVAM2006_.htm

[Char]

Well, he has gotten abusive and last month beat meup in front of my kids. That was the last straw, it's one thing to do it behind closed doors but to do it in front of the kids is just unforgivable.


WTH ?? No, it's NEVER acceptable...

I agree with everyone else... get out... get out now...you got along fine before you met him, you'll get along without him now.

If nothing else.................... get out for your kids.

[LuvBigRip]

I have to agree with everyone. Get out and do it now. I read too many stories where the man has killed his kids and/or wife and you always hear that he threatened it. Nothing is worth the safety of your kids. Make sure it is well documented and keep him the hell away from the kids, because they will become his next punching bag when you are no longer the punching bag.

[catdance]

ITA if in fact you have beaten and in front of your kids, this is unacceptable, period.
Beind close dooors is equally unacceptable, they know.
They know your house feels different, they are probably scared of both of you..one who beats, one who cries.
If you make a choice to stay, then you are telling your kids and sending a very strong message, ABUSE IS OK.
You do no favors by staying after what you have had happen to you and what your kids saw.
PERIOD.
If you have caseworker, ready to help, pack it and go.
Get the restraining orders.
You do no favors by keeping your kids in school, they have seen the damage and walk with it daily.
And if you chose not to, you just told your kids, they were NOT important enough, at all.
I know this is harsh.
Been there as a kid, make mistakes as an adult, but in this case it is not about you anymore, they saw it they know it, and they eat and sleep exactly where it happened.
It will make a difference what you do NOW!
P.S.
If you have a huge family and they knew, why haven't you told them of this, I believe an A** KICKING might be helpful, however they might help you and you can't stop having "secrets", that would be the most fair to you and your children.
You have one thing to tell..your real family..those who could be helpful, and angry and HELP YOU..

[EMSnurse]

Please, you have to leave as soon as you can possibly get out. Call your local domestic violence shelter and make plans to leave immediately. What will happen to your kids if you are killed the next time he hits you? What if he pushes you and you are killed by hitting your head on a table? I say this because most women don't really think he is going to kill them, just hurt them badly. You can die from abuse even if he doesn't intend to kill you. If the fear of what can happen to you isn't enough, read this:

Children who witness domestic violence (i.e., violence between parents, guardians, or caregivers) are often referred to as the "forgotten" victims since interventions generally target the adult victim or perpetrator (Groves, Zukerman, Marans, & Cohen, 1993). Most of the research in this area suggests that children exposed to domestic violence are at increased risk for emotional, behavior, academic, and social problems (Kolbo, Blakely, & Engelman, 1996; Pfouts et. al., 1982). More specifically, children exposed to domestic violence may exhibit immediate and long-term problems with anxiety, depression, anger, self-esteem, aggression, delinquency, interpersonal relationships, and substance abuse (Carlson,1990; Jouriles, Murphy, O’Leary, 1989; Silvern, et al., 1995; Sternberg, et al., 1993). Moreover, children who are exposed to domestic violence may react in ways that further augment their risk for negative outcomes. For example, some children run away from violent homes, which increases the risk of substance use, prostitution, homelessness, physical illness or injury, and victimization.

Is this what you want for your kids? I doubt it. File police reports. Call your family and hope they show him the error of his ways, but most importantly, get out of there now, and don't give in to the temptation to tell him you're leaving. He will beg you to stay (or come back). He will tell you how sorry he is and that he'll never do it again. He might even cry a little and tell how his screwed up childhood made him like his. He's so sorry, but sometimes you just make him so mad, but he'll do better from now on. Sound familiar? I know it does because they are all the same, and they do not change. Hear me: They do not change. Please, please, get out.

[ElleGee]

I can't say anything that hasn't been said b/c ^they^ said it all.. *nod

*hug*

[WVCindy]

CALL THE COPS....What your kids see now will go with them forever trust me on this one(been there done it) My first husband hit me 1 time I never returned back to our house my mother and brother removed my stuff for me. He had been in a car wreck suffered from a bruised brain which left him totally crazy. Like I said I kicked his ass and never returned. I'M TO DAMN GOOD FOR THAT STUFF!:getyou

[ritza]

Whats to stop him for hitting/abusing your children???Family and friends aren't stupid and prolly realize things are wrong but until you decide what you are going to do they feel like their hands are tired.
My sister lived like this for a long time,I finally told her we couldnt fix it if she chose to put up with itand I'd send flowers when he killed her.He fell dead with a heart attack (no I did not grieve)or she would probably still be in that mess.

[WVCindy]

I guess the old saying "what comes around goes around" is true after all. Heart attack was probably fast and easy though.

[G'maDebbie]

Have you left yet?

[freeplease]

Ok, is anyone else scared to death that April hasn't posted back?

Please Dearheart, get out. Walk away empty handed. Leave your purse if you have to. Take each baby by the hand and LEAVE.

[earnhardt1]

kinda worried what if he saw she was on here and went and beat her again. she was on at 5ish but maybe he is home and she cant get online. i am hoping she takes them babies and leaves

[lassss]

She might not be able to get online at night...

April, you really need to get out of that situation, please call the cops and place a PFA on him, that will buy you some to get your life in order.

BTW it might be a great idea to tell your family, family can be a very good support system



Ok, is anyone else scared to death that April hasn't posted back?

Please Dearheart, get out. Walk away empty handed. Leave your purse if you have to. Take each baby by the hand and LEAVE.

[BeanieLuvR]

I agree with everyone else. Get out now. There is no shame in getting help when you need it. I will be praying for your safety and the safety of your kids.

[April78945]

I am here..I am sorry I worried you all, just been thinking alot. I am going to my mother's tomorrow and am going to tell her everything. I spoke to my best friend today and told her..she said she already knew.
After I talk to my mother I am going to a shelter called Carolina Hill. It's a huge house that takes in families displaced by domestic violence and helps them get assistance. There are therapists there to help with the damage also. You guys and my best friend totally pushed me to do this and THANK YOU. I may not be posting for a while, I don't know if they have a computer at this place or not. But..I am ok and I am going. I know he won't hurt me again, he knows we are over and doesn't really seem to mind.

*Also just need to add, if I ever thought for 1 second he would hurt my kids I would kill him. The main reason I am leaving is because he did it in front of them and I had a flash of "If he can let them see it, when will he start doing it to them". Were gonna be ok, were gonna be safe and I am going to survive this and start over as a single and POWERFUL mother.

Thank you all, you rock!!
I'll try to check in tomorrow before I go :) wish me luck, my mom is gonna be pissed (she has asked me several times and I have denied it)

[magenta]

I am so relieved that you are leaving. I have been thinking about you all day.

Your mom will not be mad! Would you be mad at your child if they told you? Of course not! Good luck. You and your children deserve so much more than an abusive jerk.

[lassss]

oh she won't be pissed, she only wants the best for you and your children and she cares

[moe265]

Good Luck! You are doing the right thing. Things are going to work out just fine. God Bless you and your children.

[flute]

Congrats on your decision.

YOU MADE THE RIGHT ONE for you and your babies ((hugs))
Do not tell that man of yours you're leaving, just leave.

((hugs Love & prayers))

[ladybugva]

your right she will be mad but NOT at you!! at him for doing this to her baby. I am glad you have a plan. ((hugs)) and prayers

[suprtruckr]

Do not tell that man of yours you're leaving, just leave.
thats not a man ;)

good luck

[tnfuhs]

I hope you make it safely out, please keep us updated on everything asap.

[Fred12]

I've been in your shoes and you are doing the right thing. God bless you and your children. One thing you need to do as soon as possible is go to legal aid and get custody of your children. If he took them now there is nothing the police could do. I speak from experience.

[Bahet]

I'm so glad you are leaving. Please don't think "maybe I'll just stay one more day" or "until the weekend" or anything like that. Just go.

We moved here 3/12 years ago. I got to know the neighbors a little bit but mostly it was just hello/goodbye/have a nice day stuff. Then one day a year after we moved here I found out that something awful happened. I knew they fought a lot because I'd hear him swearing at her. I figured their marriage was in trouble.

Well, one night they were at another neighbor's houe across the street. The wife was talking with the other neighbor's DH. Just chatting, out in the open in front of everyone. They'd done it a million times before. The neighbor was her best friend. For some reason the husband got very angry. He started yelling at his wife and she eventually just went back home. He followed and the fighting continued. I was asleep and heard nothing.

The next day I found out he had beaten her unconscious and stomped on her head. He loaded her, still alive but just barely, into the car with their 3 kids ages 8, 4, and 2 and drove to CA. She'd slip in and out of consciousness. The husband forbid the kids to talk to her. When they stopped at a convenience store the oldest son told the clerk that his mommy was really hurt. The clerk looked out, saw her, and called the police. She was taken to a hospital but passed away 2 days later.

When I spoke to the neighbor they had been chatting with she said that the wife had left the DH before but come back because of money problems. She was planning to leave him again but put it off to save up some money and to wait until school was out for the oldest. When you said you were waiting until school was out it sent shivers up my spine. Please, please, I beg you, don't wait. Don't make the mistake my neighbor made. She is dead, her husband is in prison, and her kids are being raised by her brother all because she waited for the perfect timing. The perfect time is now, while you still can. Don't make your kids see or hear another minute of it. Please. Just go.

[Unicornmom77]

I'm so glad you are leaving. Please don't think "maybe I'll just stay one more day" or "until the weekend" or anything like that. Just go.

We moved here 3/12 years ago. I got to know the neighbors a little bit but mostly it was just hello/goodbye/have a nice day stuff. Then one day a year after we moved here I found out that something awful happened. I knew they fought a lot because I'd hear him swearing at her. I figured their marriage was in trouble.

Well, one night they were at another neighbor's houe across the street. The wife was talking with the other neighbor's DH. Just chatting, out in the open in front of everyone. They'd done it a million times before. The neighbor was her best friend. For some reason the husband got very angry. He started yelling at his wife and she eventually just went back home. He followed and the fighting continued. I was asleep and heard nothing.

The next day I found out he had beaten her unconscious and stomped on her head. He loaded her, still alive but just barely, into the car with their 3 kids ages 8, 4, and 2 and drove to CA. She'd slip in and out of consciousness. The husband forbid the kids to talk to her. When they stopped at a convenience store the oldest son told the clerk that his mommy was really hurt. The clerk looked out, saw her, and called the police. She was taken to a hospital but passed away 2 days later.

When I spoke to the neighbor they had been chatting with she said that the wife had left the DH before but come back because of money problems. She was planning to leave him again but put it off to save up some money and to wait until school was out for the oldest. When you said you were waiting until school was out it sent shivers up my spine. Please, please, I beg you, don't wait. Don't make the mistake my neighbor made. She is dead, her husband is in prison, and her kids are being raised by her brother all because she waited for the perfect timing. The perfect time is now, while you still can. Don't make your kids see or hear another minute of it. Please. Just go.

Oh my God! This story just made me cringe and cry! I know its true, but its so hard to believe how someone can do that to someone they "love" Those poor children!! Oh how awful!

I pray you have the strength April, I pray for your children and I pray for him also, I hope you get away and far away, and never look back!

[littlered1]

Get out before he does kill you!!!!!!! I had to wait until my ex was at work to pack up and leave because he wouldn't let me go. Be strong hon, and don't ever go back! Trust me your kids will respect you for it, even if it takes them years.
It wont be an easy road but just let people help you and dont feel like you are not deserving of a little help.
you might want to get a restraining order too.

[van1]

Get kid's Social Security cards, immunization records. insurance policies, and birth certificates if they are stored someplace at home. Take YOURS too!

Take any meds, etc needed by you and the kids. You can get police protection to return to get their personal stuff.

Take title to car (if it is yours)

Take what=ever money you can if you have a joint bank account..If you have an account in your name only, it should be safe, but take bank info with you.

Immedidately after leaving file a PPO....whether you go back or not...'cause you want it on record.

Notify the kids school that under NO circumstances is he allowed to pick the kids up...

You have the backing of a whole lot of "been there-done that" people...and many prayers for your safety.

Viv, just a Grannie in Michigan

[LorLee14]

You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders, now you have to leave because it will only get worse. Take any help you can get and better yourself. The father will have to pay child support. I know its easier to say than to do but you will thank yourself in the long run. Your kids will look up to you for doing what is best for them and your safety.They will see you being strong and that will set a good example Please talk to your family so your not going through this alone!!! I wish you the best.

[galeane29]

I was one of those that stayed thinking oh just one more day or one more week. It was one more day/week for months. He beat me down physically, mentaly and emotionaly. He had me convinced that everyone had turned against me and I was not worth a damn. He threatend to have his family come from Mexico to get my children and I would never see them again if I ever left him.

We lived in a smallish area so he had spoken to all the Attorneys in our area so that when I would call , they would tell me that they could not represent me for he had already secured their business. He had destroyed my PC, cancelled the phone service and dismanteled my car. I had no contact with the ouside world.

I had to go to the doctor one time and he escorted me into the room, the doctor could see that I was very distraught and sent EX out of the room. I talked it out with the doctor, he put me on antidepressants but did not put them on the books or charge my insurance so it would not be on record. He started sending me threatening letters in the mail.

He would take off of work to spy on me from outside our apartment. The end came when I had an old friend over and EX punched me so hard in the face for not making the friend leave that it knocked me out. The friend had EX arrested and I got the hell out of there.


That evening , I was at my mothers house on the phone with EX , he was trying to talk me into meeting him at a local kids park to "talk". I refused, he begged me and begged me. At one point he threatend to take his own life, when he hung up with me I called the police and begged one to come to my mothers where I was at the time.

Listening to the police scanner, after a long chase down the interstate It all ended with EX taking his own life.
Later I was told that there was an audio tape that was found in a recorder in the seat next to him where he recorded himself talking to me and some other people in his life. He was saying how he hated us all and if I had met with him he would have taken my life also.

Just thought I would tell a short version of my own experience.
It is NEVER acceptable abuse.
It is NEVER acceptable to stay.
He will ALWAYS do it again.

[CLARKS4]

It is NEVER acceptable abuse.
It is NEVER acceptable to stay.
He will ALWAYS do it again.

So sorry you had to go thru that.


OP remember this little part that I quoted from above. Keep repeating that in your head.

[LuvBigRip]

My ex was in jail on a 24 hour domestic violence hold when I had him served with both a restraining order and an eviction notice. The house was in my aunt's and my name only. Sadly though we owned a rental property 6 doors away, guess where he moved in. For over a year and a half he made my life a living hell. He finally sobered up, but started drinking about 6 months ago again. Fortunately, his new wife gets to deal with him now, she was the one he was sleeping with while we were married.

[DAVESBABYDOLL]

This brings up some bad memories of my not so distant past. I was with a man for seven years (my now 6 year old DD father) It started slowly from little comments then progressed to physical violence. The final straw was he pulled a gun while I was holding my then 3 year old DD, the other girls (1 mine,2 his) were in the back room on the phone with 911. one of the girls grab my little one while my husband was trying to get me into the garage to "just talk" long story short, police came,he fled,they arrested him in a bar in Beaverdam (town close to where we lived) found the gun and weed in the truck, I had no where to go that night but knew we were safe for a little while,I gathered my friends from work,they got a u-Haul, we moved in 7 hours. Put my house up for sale,his girls went with their aunt and I haven't looked back except in court..just went again in October because he threatened to kill me,so now another CPO. But life is good now,I can honestly say..I'm happy.

Point is, GET OUT NOW, go while he is asleep,at work or at a friends.Don't worry about your "stuff" take what you NEED. if you have access,get some money.Go to family,friends, anywhere.

My DD, remembers ALOT, more then I thought she would. What your kid's see changes who they are and who they are supposed to be.

My screen name DAVESBABYDOLL --- no more Dave LOL

[ladybugva]

thanks to those of you that shared your story. I am so sorry you had to go through that. But what a strong woman you have all become. I am so glad you you were able to get out before it was too late.

[DAVESBABYDOLL]

Get kid's Social Security cards, immunization records. insurance policies, and birth certificates if they are stored someplace at home. Take YOURS too!

Take any meds, etc needed by you and the kids. You can get police protection to return to get their personal stuff.

Take title to car (if it is yours)

Take what=ever money you can if you have a joint bank account..If you have an account in your name only, it should be safe, but take bank info with you.

Immedidately after leaving file a PPO....whether you go back or not...'cause you want it on record. YES!call your local domestic violence shelter,they will have an advocate go with you to get one

Notify the kids school that under NO circumstances is he allowed to pick the kids up...You need a restraining order to do this

You have the backing of a whole lot of "been there-done that" people...and many prayers for your safety.

Viv, just a Grannie in Michigan

Viv, great points!

[Fred12]

Get kid's Social Security cards, immunization records. insurance policies, and birth certificates if they are stored someplace at home. Take YOURS too!

Take any meds, etc needed by you and the kids. You can get police protection to return to get their personal stuff.

Take title to car (if it is yours)

Take what=ever money you can if you have a joint bank account..If you have an account in your name only, it should be safe, but take bank info with you.

Immedidately after leaving file a PPO....whether you go back or not...'cause you want it on record.

Notify the kids school that under NO circumstances is he allowed to pick the kids up...

You have the backing of a whole lot of "been there-done that" people...and many prayers for your safety.

Viv, just a Grannie in Michigan

All fantastic advice but until she has legal (at least temp.) custody the school can't stop him from taking them. Unless she shows some sort of paperwork he can take them, he's is their father and unfortunately has rights to them. At least until a judge or restraining order says different. I'm not disagreeing with you, I just want her to know how important that piece of paper is and that she needs to do it right away. Been there done that.

[iluvmybaby]

All fantastic advice but until she has legal (at least temp.) custody the school can't stop him from taking them. Unless she shows some sort of paperwork he can take them, he's is their father and unfortunately has rights to them. At least until a judge or restraining order says different. I'm not disagreeing with you, I just want her to know how important that piece of paper is and that she needs to do it right away. Been there done that.

Please read this poem


I GOT FLOWERS TODAY

We had our first argument last night, and he said
a lot of cruel things that really hurt me
I know he is sorry and didn’t mean the things he said
Because he sent me flowers today.
I got flowers today.
It wasn’t our anniversary or any other special day.

Last night he threw me into a wall and started to
choke me. It seemed like a nightmare
I couldn’t believe it was real.
I woke up this morning sore and bruised all over.
I know he must be sorry because he sent me flowers today.
I got flowers today
and it wasn’t Mother’s Day or any other special day.

Last night, he beat me up again; it was much worse
than all the other times.
If I leave him what will I do? How will I take care
of my kids? What about money?
I’m afraid of him and scared to leave, but I know he
must be sorry because he sent me flowers today.
I got flowers today.
Today was a very special day.
It was the day of My funeral!!!!!

Last night he finally KILLED ME. He beat me to death.
If only I had gathered enough courage to leave him, I would
Not have gotten flowers
TODAY

**Author Unknown**
This is a very sad poem, but a realistic one. I will pray for you and your family that you will have the courage to leave, to take a chance and be happy and healthy,and to get the help you and your family deserve

[vicky122]

So glad that you are doing the right thing. If not for you for the kids. And don't think that just because he didn't do it in front of the kids they didn't know because kids can feel a lot. The best of luck to you.

[DAVESBABYDOLL]

So glad that you are doing the right thing. If not for you for the kids. And don't think that just because he didn't do it in front of the kids they didn't know because kids can feel a lot. The best of luck to you.


Kids have ears and they sense these things too,no matter what their ages are.


April, you doing ok?

[CLARKS4]

I think she was gonna talk to her mother today. I hope everything is okay.

[tracey74]

even if she goes through legal aid it can be a year wait for someone to represent her depending on the state and in some states legal aid doesnt do these type of things now sometimes if you go through a womens aid in crisis or battered womens shelter they will help you get to a safehouse and will also help get a restraining order and a lawyer all usually free of charge. so she can look into that although her family cant know where she is due to confidentiality and safety reasons but they will usually give out a number the family can call to see if they are okay anything has to be better than living like that.never underestimate a man when he says hes going to do you bodily harm he may or he may not but usually it ends up badly so get out as soon as you can .

[April78945]

I'm ok. I am at home. I still haven't told my mother but I told him I wanted him to go. He didn't flip out or anything and he DID go. As soon as he was gone I changed the locks and went to the police station to just let them know. They said they would have patrol in my area tonite and will be on the lookout for his truck. That's all they can do without a restraining order...and I am still not there yet. That seems so, final I guess.
But, he is staying at his mothers. He told her EVERYTHING and she called to make sure I was ok. I was sort of shocked he would tell her, I figured he'd say I was cheating or something. He said he is coming over tomorrow while my daughter is at school (I won't be here) and will leave me a check for a couple hundred for the week.

That's it as of right now. I am still moving, but at least I have a roof over my head now and he isn't here with me.

Thank you all..love you

[janelle]

If you feel threatened at all they do have houses to shelter you and your kids. Ask the police to take you to one. He won't know where you are and the people there will not let anyone in that would hurt you or your kids. It has to be your judgement on just how dangerous he is. Huggs.

[Bliss]

These safety suggestions have been compiled from safety plans distributed by state domestic violence coalitions from around the country. Following these suggestions is not a guarantee of safety, but could help to improve your safety situation.


Personal Safety With an Abuser
Identify your partner's use and level of force so that you can assess danger to you and your children before it occurs;
Try to avoid an abusive situation by leaving;
Identify safe areas of the house where there are no weapons and where there are always ways to escape. If arguments occur, try to move to those areas;
Don't run to where the children are as your partner may hurt them as well;
If violence is unavoidable, make yourself a small target; dive into a corner and curl up into a ball with your face protected and arms around each side of your head, fingers entwined;

If possible, have a phone accessible at all times and know the numbers to call for help; know where the nearest pay phone is located. Know your local battered women's shelter number. Don't be afraid to call the police;
Let trusted friends and neighbors know of your situation and develop a plan and visual signal for when you need help;

Teach your children how to get help. Instruct them not to get involved in the violence between you and your partner. Plan a code word to signal them that they should get help or leave the house;

Tell your children that violence is never right, even when someone they love is being violent. Tell them that neither you nor they are at fault or cause the violence, and that when anyone is being violent, it is important to keep safe;
Practice how to get out safely. Practice with your children;

Plan for what you will do if your children tell your partner of your plan or if your partner otherwise finds out about your plan;

Keep weapons like guns or knives locked up and as inaccessible as possible;
Make a habit of backing the car into the driveway and keeping it fueled. Keep the driver's door unlocked and others locked - for a quick escape;

Try not to wear scarves or long jewelry that could be used to strangle you;
Create several plausible reasons for leaving the house at different times of the day or night. Call a domestic violence hotline periodically to assess your options and get a supportive understanding ear.

Getting Ready to Leave
Keep any evidence of physical abuse, such as pictures, etc.;
Know where you can go to get help; tell someone what is happening to you;
If you are injured, go to a doctor or emergency room and report what happened to you. Ask that they document your visit;
Plan with your children and identify a safe place for them (for example, a room with a lock or a friend's house where they can go for help). Reassure them that their job is to stay safe, not protect you;

Contact your local battered women's shelter and find out about laws and other resources available to you before you have to use them in a crisis;
Keep a journal of all violent incidences, noting dates, events and threats made if possible;

Acquire job skills as you can, such as learning to type or taking courses at a community college;

Try to set money aside or ask friends or family members to hold money for you.

General Guidelines for Leaving an Abusive Relationship
You may request a police stand-by or escort when you leave;
If you need to sneak away, be prepared;
Make a plan for how and where you will escape;
Plan for a quick escape;

Put aside emergency money as you can;
Hide an extra set of car keys;

Pack an extra set of clothes for yourself and your children and store them at a trusted friend or neighbor's house. Try to avoid using next-door neighbors, close family members or mutual friends;

Take with you important phone numbers of friends, relatives, doctors, schools, etc., as well as other important items such as medications, bank information, etc.

After Leaving the Abusive Relationship

Get a restraining order and if the offender is leaving
Change locks and phone number;
Change work hours and route taken to work;
Change route taken to transport children to school;
Keep a certified copy of your restraining order with you at all times;
Inform friends, neighbors and employers that you have a restraining order in effect;

Give copies of restraining order to employers, neighbors and schools along with a picture of the offender;

Call law enforcement to enforce the order.
If you leave
Consider renting a post office box or using the address of a friend for your mail;
Be aware that addresses are on restraining orders and police reports;
Be careful to whom you give your new address and phone number;
Change your work hours if possible;
Alert school authorities of situation;
Consider changing your children's schools;
Reschedule appointments that offender is aware of;
Use different stores and frequent different social spots;
Alert neighbors and request that they call police if they feel you may be in danger;

Talk to trusted people about the violence;
Replace wooden doors with steel or metal doors. Install security systems if possible;

Install a lighting system that lights up when a person is coming close to the house (motion sensitive lights);

Tell people you work with about the situation and have your calls screened by one receptionist if possible;

Tell people who take care of your children which individuals are allowed to pick up your children. Explain your situation to them and provide them with a copy of your restraining order;

Call the telephone company to request Caller ID. Ask that your phone be blocked so that if you call, neither your partner nor anyone else will be able to get your new, unlisted phone number.

[DAVESBABYDOLL]

even if she goes through legal aid it can be a year wait for someone to represent her depending on the state and in some states legal aid doesnt do these type of things now sometimes if you go through a womens aid in crisis or battered womens shelter they will help you get to a safehouse and will also help get a restraining order and a lawyer all usually free of charge. so she can look into that although her family cant know where she is due to confidentiality and safety reasons but they will usually give out a number the family can call to see if they are okay anything has to be better than living like that.never underestimate a man when he says hes going to do you bodily harm he may or he may not but usually it ends up badly so get out as soon as you can .


She does NOT need legal representation to get a CPO. I got one in October against my EX and it was just me,myself and I and the judge. But I also had all the police reports and she had record of court cases of domestic violence on him, HOWEVER, she can and should call the domestic hotline inher area,they will send an advocate to help her with paperwork and go into the judges chamber with her.It's all rather easy (getting a CPO)

April..DO NOT be alone with him,not to "talk" or anything.I'm still worried about you.Also, remember,that's HIS mom and blood is thicker, do NOT confide in her about this ok?

[atprm]

I have been a stay at home mother for 5 years now. I have a 5 year old daughter and a 2 year old son. I quit my job and devoted my life to raising these children and have been depending on my husband to be the head of the house. Well, he has gotten abusive and last month beat meup in front of my kids. That was the last straw, it's one thing to do it behind closed doors but to do it in front of the kids is just unforgivable.
But now, I have nowhere to go. He knows I am leaving, I told him I was leaving as soon as my daughter got out fo school for the year.

First of all, to do it at all is UNFORGIVABLE...not just "in front of the kids"

and

secondly...there are so many women's shelters, that not having a place to go is total CRAP!

If you are being violated - mentally or physically the time to leave is NOW...not when your child gets out of school or whatever.

If you can't stand up for yourself how in the world are you going to stand up for your children? There are PLENTY of women's organizations out there that help battered wives -- and they will tell you to do the same thing... GET OUT NOW...don't wait for school to end, don't wait for the next time...

You won't change your spouse no matter what you do -- the only one you will change is YOU.

[April78945]

You know, I really feel like I am getting alot of **** about my kids wellbeing and that is the ONLY thing I am focused on right now.
He is gone, I have already said that. He won't hurt our kids. I can't stand up for myself but I would KILL for my children, make no mistake.
I don't need the guilt of "think about your kids"..I AM and that is why HE IS NOT LIVING HERE ANYMORE. I will move the earth for my children, they know this, he knows this..hell everyone I know knows this. I know this isn't about me anymore and it's all about my kids and I am working on getting moved out while he is at his mothers.
Also, atprm, I AM going to a shelter..did you read this whole thread or just my first post?
Ok, I done talking about this. I understand the whole tough ove mentality but I don't need it. I am doing what I can for my childrens safety and mental well being so I don't need the whole "your a bad mother if you stay" crap when it has been stated time and time again that I am leaving.

[PrincessArky]

You know, I really feel like I am getting alot of **** about my kids wellbeing and that is the ONLY thing I am focused on right now.
He is gone, I have already said that. He won't hurt our kids. I can't stand up for myself but I would KILL for my children, make no mistake.
I don't need the guilt of "think about your kids"..I AM and that is why HE IS NOT LIVING HERE ANYMORE. I will move the earth for my children, they know this, he knows this..hell everyone I know knows this. I know this isn't about me anymore and it's all about my kids and I am working on getting moved out while he is at his mothers.
Also, atprm, I AM going to a shelter..did you read this whole thread or just my first post?
Ok, I done talking about this. I understand the whole tough ove mentality but I don't need it. I am doing what I can for my childrens safety and mental well being so I don't need the whole "your a bad mother if you stay" crap when it has been stated time and time again that I am leaving.


well I have missed alot and sounds like it might have gotten a bit ugly so I wont go back and read the comments just wanted to say good job in getting the ball rolling.........a year from now this will be just a bad memory and you and the kids are gonna be happy :)

[mosdata1]

April, I am so happy he is out of the house. One suggestion though, why don't you have him just mail a check to you or one of your relative's house? He might just get angry when he realizes that he can't get into the house. Also, don't give him an excuse for being near your property, especailly since you are getting a CPO - this way he has no excuse for violating it (ex: she asked me to drop off a check).
Stay safe. I know that this is a hard time for you & the children, but I also know that you are strong enough to get through this.

[atprm]

You know, I really feel like I am getting alot of **** about my kids wellbeing and that is the ONLY thing I am focused on right now.
He is gone, I have already said that. He won't hurt our kids. I can't stand up for myself but I would KILL for my children, make no mistake.
I don't need the guilt of "think about your kids"..I AM and that is why HE IS NOT LIVING HERE ANYMORE. I will move the earth for my children, they know this, he knows this..hell everyone I know knows this. I know this isn't about me anymore and it's all about my kids and I am working on getting moved out while he is at his mothers.
Also, atprm, I AM going to a shelter..did you read this whole thread or just my first post?
Ok, I done talking about this. I understand the whole tough ove mentality but I don't need it. I am doing what I can for my childrens safety and mental well being so I don't need the whole "your a bad mother if you stay" crap when it has been stated time and time again that I am leaving.


No I didn't read the whole thread. I addressed the points from the first post that are just bull**** cop out.

I have been there done that TWICE -- once with a husband who once dragged me across the floor by my hair and threw me out into the rain in the middle of the night after I had just given birth to his first child when he found out that I didn't want to leave our child with a babysitter to work for minimum wage at Burger king... and once by a boyfriend who left welt marks on my youngest daughter's behind and legs because she was not behaving to his satisfaction.

Are you a bad mother? Did I say that you were?

It's not "tough love"... it's the truth.

Don't think that having him move out will be the end of the story -- you will have to deal with him, his attitude, his cunningness, his everything until the day you die simply because he is the father of your children.

Even getting a PPO won't "stop" him if he is daring or cunning enough -- Better for you to get your family involved -- that's what family is for...to protect one of their own.

I agree, he should send the checks to a relative versus personally "dropping" them off...you are just inviting trouble.

Don't take the defensive, no one is calling you names, etc. But I do know a copout when I see it or hear it -- I was once like you -- defensive, until I finally took other people's advice...and I am stronger because of it.

[LuvBigRip]

I think what some of are trying to say is that we have been there. I know I was stunned at the amount of hate generated by my ex. I never thought he would hurt me, let alone my kids, but he did. Not only physically, but emotionally and financially. Until a person is placed in the position of losing everything, you cannot know the lengths they will go to hurt you and the ones you love. Most of us are just saying please please please be careful.

[Fred12]

If you get a restraning order against him then he is not allowed to go to your house to drop off a check. If you are there or not.

[G'maDebbie]

You know, I really feel like I am getting alot of **** about my kids wellbeing and that is the ONLY thing I am focused on right now.
He is gone, I have already said that. He won't hurt our kids. I can't stand up for myself but I would KILL for my children, make no mistake.
I don't need the guilt of "think about your kids"..I AM and that is why HE IS NOT LIVING HERE ANYMORE. I will move the earth for my children, they know this, he knows this..hell everyone I know knows this. I know this isn't about me anymore and it's all about my kids and I am working on getting moved out while he is at his mothers.
Also, atprm, I AM going to a shelter..did you read this whole thread or just my first post?
Ok, I done talking about this. I understand the whole tough ove mentality but I don't need it. I am doing what I can for my childrens safety and mental well being so I don't need the whole "your a bad mother if you stay" crap when it has been stated time and time again that I am leaving.


April,

I am sorry some have made you feel this way, we only care about you and when you have been thru it and see someone else goig thru it, you get in a panic mode that just doesnt stop, and not ALL men who have hit their wives kill them. We dont mean you any harm or to make you feel guilty or any of that, we were/are just very scared for you is all. I am proud of the steps you took and I truly hope and pray they work for you. I am shocked that he told his mother the truth! Normally like you said, it's all your fault, blah,blah,blah. He must really want out of the marriage is all I can think of. In the perfect world, he would get counseling to keep his family together if thats what he really wants, but he left way too easy it seems. I wish you the best of luck.

[flute]

But he's out - the locks are changed - and the police are involved.
I'm glad for you honey I am.

((hugs)) Chin up.

[lassss]

You did stand up for yourself by throwing him out, changing the locks and calling the police. Everyone here is just worried about you and cares




You know, I really feel like I am getting alot of **** about my kids wellbeing and that is the ONLY thing I am focused on right now.
He is gone, I have already said that. He won't hurt our kids. I can't stand up for myself but I would KILL for my children, make no mistake.
I don't need the guilt of "think about your kids"..I AM and that is why HE IS NOT LIVING HERE ANYMORE. I will move the earth for my children, they know this, he knows this..hell everyone I know knows this. I know this isn't about me anymore and it's all about my kids and I am working on getting moved out while he is at his mothers.
Also, atprm, I AM going to a shelter..did you read this whole thread or just my first post?
Ok, I done talking about this. I understand the whole tough ove mentality but I don't need it. I am doing what I can for my childrens safety and mental well being so I don't need the whole "your a bad mother if you stay" crap when it has been stated time and time again that I am leaving.

[LuvBigRip]

But he's out - the locks are changed - and the police are involved.
I'm glad for you honey I am.

((hugs)) Chin up.

My ex was too, so were mine and so were the police. I have two years of harassment and stalking reports on him. Phone calls in the middle of the night (I had to change my number several times), B&E, parking 501 feet from my office in a field (yes, he measured). He walked through the restraining order too many times to count. The police could only arrest them if they caught him. It didn't matter that he was sleeping with my best friend, it didn't matter that I wanted him out of my life, it wasn't what HE decided should happen, therefore he wasn't going to listen to what I said, what the police said, what the judge said. It wasn't until he met my youngests DS's dad after we had dated for a while that he left me alone. Of course he is 6'10" 270 lbs.

Again, OP, your situation may be entirely different, however, statistics prove that women and their families are most often killed after they have left, or attempted to leave the abuser. That loss of control is overwhelming to many men and they lash out. Again, I am not trying to chatise you, but I am trying to scare you into being as careful as possible. I know that if a man is determined enough, nothing will stop them, just be very careful.

[flute]

Oh my god ((((april))))

and (((luvbigrip)))

[ahippiechic]

My ex was too, so were mine and so were the police. I have two years of harassment and stalking reports on him. Phone calls in the middle of the night (I had to change my number several times), B&E, parking 501 feet from my office in a field (yes, he measured). He walked through the restraining order too many times to count. The police could only arrest them if they caught him. It didn't matter that he was sleeping with my best friend, it didn't matter that I wanted him out of my life, it wasn't what HE decided should happen, therefore he wasn't going to listen to what I said, what the police said, what the judge said. It wasn't until he met my youngests DS's dad after we had dated for a while that he left me alone. Of course he is 6'10" 270 lbs.

Again, OP, your situation may be entirely different, however, statistics prove that women and their families are most often killed after they have left, or attempted to leave the abuser. That loss of control is overwhelming to many men and they lash out. Again, I am not trying to chatise you, but I am trying to scare you into being as careful as possible. I know that if a man is determined enough, nothing will stop them, just be very careful.

I still have a valid OOP for my 1st husband. I've had it since 1993 and it gets renewed by a judge each year because of the things he STILL does. And he even lives in a diff state than me.

So just PLEASE be careful!

[DAVESBABYDOLL]

During my marraige mine moved out..I changed locks,you name it..BUT...he came back, he said "this is my house too and I'm staying here" he wasn't OUT until I got the protection order because by law, he was right (at that time)

NEVER,EVER under estimate anyone. I never thought Dave (ex) would pull a gun on me let alone while I was holding our daughter, but he was so angry,he pulled it and there I stood looking at a gun pointed at me. but,it could have easily been a knife or his fists. When someone is angry,they have tunnel vision,they want one thing and one thing only..to hurt you. What ever or whom ever gets in his way..well...even his kids..they are not in their right mind at the time.

I don't think anyone was accusing you of being a bad mother, I would never think that, to me,you are scared,confussed and feel alone.I'm scared for you.

[jedmatters]

You came to a public forum wanting everything to be easy and smooth. It does not happen here.
So many have "been there, done that and visited the E/R for it".
We know it is not pretty, we know the mind games, and we know that he can not change his stripes that quickly.
He will try to explain away his actions. He will do whatever it takes to get back into striking distance.
I have had a PO since 1989, and it continues to this day. He left willingly, too.
Three days later, I had a knife to my throat: which he openly admitted in court! He said I made him do it, because I asked a question, and I had no right to ask a man questions!!!!!

Yes, we are concerned for the children. They have no choice in what they see or hear. They depend on us to make the right decisions for them.

[DAVESBABYDOLL]

You came to a public forum wanting everything to be easy and smooth. It does not happen here.
So many have "been there, done that and visited the E/R for it".
We know it is not pretty, we know the mind games, and we know that he can not change his stripes that quickly.
He will try to explain away his actions. He will do whatever it takes to get back into striking distance.
I have had a PO since 1989, and it continues to this day. He left willingly, too.
Three days later, I had a knife to my throat: which he openly admitted in court! He said I made him do it, because I asked a question, and I had no right to ask a man questions!!!!!

Yes, we are concerned for the children. They have no choice in what they see or hear. They depend on us to make the right decisions for them.


(((hugs)))

I totally agree ! It's a cycle, he hates you,then loves you,he's sorry,he's back,then it starts all over again.

[Lild]

I just wanted to post these lyrics, this thread made me think of them.. not sure if it will affect anyone the way they have me, but reading them now still sends chills down my spine...
Long ago
When mercury descended high on the moon
Far below
Where little hands are making shapes in the room
The shadows they dance
And they cheer up this place
The face
That's staring through the tiny crack in the door
Eyes so wide
He's never seen a women fall on the floor

I swear daddy's killed her this time
Should I make a rocket?
Should I try to fly away?
Should I make a hammer?
Should I try to smash his face?
Should I make a bullet?
Should I try to shoot the gun?
I'm sure the judge will let me off real soon.

Long ago
When saturn tried to find a way past the sun
Deep inside
A little boy is turning pain into fun
The pencils, the crayons, the paint colors run
The plans
Are forming slowly made with scissors and glue
Eyes so wide
He's telling mommy all the things he can do
He'll sketch a contraption to save them for sure

He can draw an alien
He can come and take them home
He can draw a cartoon
He can draw a safety hatch
He can draw a hot bath
He can plug a toaster in
And wait till daddy's nice and warm
Toss it in

And then when he's gone
There's a neverland of fun

Take a loaded gun.
Take a shot of rum.
Take a poison rat.
There's a lesson in that.
No more closing fists.
No more face to hit.
No more bloody nose or apologetic roses.

Long ago when mercury descended high on the moon.
Should I make a rocket?
Should I try to fly away?
Far below little hands are making shapes in the room.
Should I make a hammer?
Should I try to smash his face?
Long ago when Saturn tried to find a way past the sun.
Should I draw are cartoon?
Should I draw an alien?
Deep inside a little boy is turning pain into fun.
Should I draw a hot bath?
Should I throw the toaster in?

[maranatha4]

Praying for you and your children. Be safe.
Mara

[MERE CHAT]

Take whatever help (shelters, welfare, etc.) offer. Staying in your current situation will only get worse. You have yourself, and more importantly, your children to think of. Do this NOW. You won't regret the move, but you will always regret it if something happens to your children.

[ma4angels]

Honey, I am glad that he has left, but being that he is violent in front of the kids. this mean he just doesn't care how or where he beats you. And if he did it once he will keep doing it even if he lives at the house or not. Don't ever be alone with him again. Please tell your family about all of it and if one of them brings out a can of whip a-- who deserves it more. Just protect yourself so you will be there for your kids. I understand how hard it is to leave when they have beat you down until you have no self-esteem left. The more conniving and manipulating they are the harder it is. That is no cope out crap either. You did the right thing getting him out but just don't turn a blind eye to what his doing. My ex threatened my family and me one night when I had went to talked to him about our DD. I was with this jerk for to long. He convinced me that I was stupid, fat, ugly and everything else that is bad that is in this world. He told me that he was the only one that wanted me but him. He had me so low at one time I thought that I would always be alone. This idiot had my head spinning most of the time. He abused me physically, mentally and the other reason that I don't want to because it makes my skin just crawl. I finally trusted myself enough to tell my family and with their support I got through all of this cr-p with this idiot. They helped me take back my life and take away his power he thought he had. Anyway please take care and my prayers are with you

[tracey74]

[QUOTE=DAVESBABYDOLL;95852004]She does NOT need legal representation to get a CPO.

I didnt mean she needed legal representation to get a fpo or cpo someone mentioned she go through legal aid to get custody of the kids. so thats why I said legal aid usually has a waiting list and if she goes through a place like womens aid or battered womens then they will help her get a lawyer if she needs one to divorce him or what not. and also I read that he left but as long as she doesnt have a protective order of any kind on him and they both own the house or are both on the lease(if rented) then he can come back anytime since she did not have him removed from the home he left on his own. I should have made myself clearer on the legal aid thing. I know all you have to do is go to the local sheriffs/ police station to get one. if she gets a fpo/cpo against him then they will give her temp custody til it goes to court and she also needs to get copies of these orders to giv to the school so he cannot take the children. Iam glad she is going to a shelter but if it were me Id seriously have him served with papers(fpo/cpo) this way she wouldnt have to go to a shelter she could live where she is now. also getting someone from womens aid in crisis or the battered womens shelter they sometimes will go to court with you to help you get the protection you need.if he wants to drop off a check to her why not just mail her one? I dont know the guy but what if he took EVERYTHING out of their acct and wants her to believe hes giving her a check that is good? abusers like this also will control you with money by leaving you without because they think you cant live without them and therefore need to rely on them(thats their way of thinking).but whatever she does is her decision and from what I gather she knows what she has to do and is doing it but again even with the cops knowing, they cant do anyting unless she has a protective order/ restraining order. they cant arrest him for trespassing or stalking or anything like that.but if she goes to a shelter then hopefully he wont find out where she is.april you still need a protective order to stop him from taking your child(ren) out of school if you dont have one he can take your child(ren) and leave state and there will be nothing you can do about it . well I will end this here and wish april luck.

[ang in NC]

I have never been physically abuse. Emotionally yes. Leave while you are young.Best of Luck to you. I'm praying for you.

[pepperpot]

You and your children are in our thoughts and prayers. Best of luck and stay strong and safe. ((hugs))