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ma4angels
01-15-2008, 11:49 PM
I just don't understand this woman. She has no motherly feelings toward any of her kids. My poor dh is just really angry for the junk that she put them through when they were growing up. His dad stayed with this person through every little nasty thing she put him through because he loved her. She knew that and took full advantage. She did everything that a person can do in a marriage that would hurt them and I mean everything. This man had his flaws too but he never brought them home to stare at his kids face. I think that had alot to do with why he put up with the stuff she did because of his kids. Now that he is gone she still doesn't appreciate what she had with this man. I mean he took care of her his whole life and when he needed her most(when he got sick) she pushed the care of him on her son that was home mostly. And of anybody else that she could just so she could sit on her butt and stay on the computer. Now this son that is still at home is in his early twentys and hasn't been able to have a life yet because of what she pushed in his lap at such a young age. Plus she is under the impression that he is her servant to wait on her hand and foot. She has put him down so much that this poor fellow has no self-esteem at all. And when I say puts him down I mean she cusses at him , calls him every name in the book and anything else that will keep down. It is all done by her so she can feel high when she smash her kids down. Well know she has met a man and has only known him for a total of 10 days and is already talking about marrying him this summer. But because her children don't agree with the way she met him and how she is going about everything she says the h_ll with her children. She threaten to kick the one out of this house for not agreeing with her. She has said now that she feels like she wasted her life raising her kids and that they don't care about her feelings. Believe me she cares enough about herself for everbody.
This women hasn't stepped out the door to walk across the street in five years to see her grandchildren or her son. The only times she has seen them is when my dh takes them over there. I stopped going along time ago because the way she treats my family and some other stuff she has done to me personally. She doesn't even call them on the phone to wish them happy birthday. My Dh has some major issues about her that he is dealing with right now. I told him that to make him deal with all of the bad stuff , he should write her a letter about how he is feeling and I mean everything. I have wanted to tell her myself stuff over the years but I have kept my mouth shut out respect for my dh because she is his mother. But of course my mind is about to explode from holding it all in. My Dh said ther other day maybe it would be better for everyone if she got married and moved. How do you do this to your own children because trust me when I say this that her kids will be around longer this this jerk. Do you'll think that I should push my Dh into writing the letter to her. I told him even if he decides not to give it to her, it will at least release some of the bad feelings from him. Does anybody think that would help him or make it worse?

YankeeMary
01-16-2008, 12:13 AM
I wish I knew what to say to help but I don't. I wish you all the best.

PrincessArky
01-16-2008, 05:06 AM
I know for me personally whether writing a letter or just writing in a journal sure makes me feel better so it is worth a shot

gmyers
01-16-2008, 05:27 AM
I agree it helps to write things down at least it gives you a release for the pent up feelings. Sometimes you can say in a letter what you can't to someones face. But the kind of person she sounds like she'll probably take offense no matter how nice he words it. Some people do not like to hear anything no matter how nice you say it. I hope your husband can get some closure. Family stuff can really torment you sometimes. I really hope he gets some peace from it.

Freebeemom
01-16-2008, 06:04 AM
If your dh is the kind of person that is good at writing things down, perhaps it is a good idea. If he is still upset after all these years, he either should confront it or let it go. Living with it can cause bigger issues.

I wouldn't expect anything out of this woman, and would keep my children far far away from her.

Too bad you can't move. Living near someone like that, who is family, is very difficult to explain to your own children why she doesn't care or become involved.

christianw27
01-16-2008, 06:11 AM
even if he decides not to give it to her it will at least help him a little to get it all out maybe....

I wrote a self esteem program a couple years ago that involved an exercise like that....for the person to write down the things that have hurt them most in their life and they could either keep it or burn it.

If they burnt it they were saying "i release what you did to me and give it back to you because I don't want to carry this around any more...."

that program was for teenagers but I've done the same thing. It helped.

cheapskate21
01-16-2008, 08:26 PM
i did this several years ago when i was in my mid-20's about my father not being there for me my whole life and everything i missed out on not having hime there for me to help suppoet me etc etc anyways by the time i got dont it was a 20 page book and a 1 liter bottle of whisky later, i never did send it otu to him but it helped me a lot to get it out on paper, to this day i could card less if my dad dropped dead in front of me

ma4angels
01-17-2008, 01:01 PM
Bless you'll for the advice I like the idea about buring it christianW27 I think it will make him feel better. I haven't been letting my kids around her for a while now. She would just be poison to them. She is just getting to me because if feel so bad for my Dh

hblueeyes
01-17-2008, 07:18 PM
Journals are GREAT. It is someplace to load all of your junk without having to burden others or feel inhibited.

My question is: How do you allow dh to take your kids to her house when you know how vial her words are? This was the reason I did not allow my hubby to see his Mom unless I was there because I would not tolerate it. She screwed up her kids and I was not about to let her do that to mine. I think our MILs were related but mine was also allowed physical abuse to enter their lives.

Tell her to get married and move. The sooner the better but let the 20ish son stay with you so you can help rebuild his self esteem.

Me

freeplease
01-18-2008, 06:55 AM
I never understand how anyone can allow a toxic person around their children. Kids survive without grandparents. Mine haven't had any in their lives for years, and they're just fine.


Let the old bat go on her way. And pray for the guy she's going to trap in her web next. I also agree that the younger son could use some kindness. Life is too short to waste on people who don't deserve it.

PrincessArky
01-18-2008, 07:01 AM
I never understand how anyone can allow a toxic person around their children. Kids survive without grandparents. Mine haven't had any in their lives for years, and they're just fine.


I hear that I met my so call Grandmother a few times and I was so glad that I lived so far away from her........I hate to talk bad of the dead but she was just not a nice person at all

ma4angels
01-18-2008, 03:18 PM
Journals are GREAT. It is someplace to load all of your junk without having to burden others or feel inhibited.

My question is: How do you allow dh to take your kids to her house when you know how vial her words are? This was the reason I did not allow my hubby to see his Mom unless I was there because I would not tolerate it. She screwed up her kids and I was not about to let her do that to mine. I think our MILs were related but mine was also allowed physical abuse to enter their lives.

Tell her to get married and move. The sooner the better but let the 20ish son stay with you so you can help rebuild his self esteem.

Me


I reread what I wrote I meant that the only time they went in the past was when he took them over which was along time ago and really back then I was with them most of the time. And believe me it wasn't very often. I have in the last three years basically said that they are not allowed over there at all. But my DH took them over there one time after I just started to work and I really got mad. But she hurt his feelings anyway when he took them. They only reason that he did it then was because our son asked to go ( he really just wanted to watch a movie he didn't even talk to her) But I told him that they are not to go over at all. I raised enough of a stink that he said that he isn't going over there anymore at all. I wish she would do what she is planning It would be peaceful in my world. I like the journal idea too.

tracey74
01-20-2008, 01:46 AM
boy your MIL sounds like my mother she treats me and my kids horribly and doesnt acknowledge we exist the only time we'd see her is if she wanted money or something. since I will no longer help her out(since she had the nerve to tell people Ive never helped her out) I dont see or hear from her and if I see her in the store she doesnt say to much its like she talks to me only cause she has to.

ma4angels
01-20-2008, 02:33 PM
boy your MIL sounds like my mother she treats me and my kids horribly and doesnt acknowledge we exist the only time we'd see her is if she wanted money or something. since I will no longer help her out(since she had the nerve to tell people Ive never helped her out) I dont see or hear from her and if I see her in the store she doesnt say to much its like she talks to me only cause she has to.

Honey I am sorry that your mom is like that. My mom is the only grandparent my kids have. My Mil is just a piece of work she has gotten angry with me when she asked for money and I told her we didn't have it. She never considers the facted that we have kids to take care of. She has it in her mind that she comes first in her son's life and we come last. I think she has finally realized after so many years that isn't how her son feels. That is why she ignores him now. But that is fine with me because I do the same to her and guess what life goes on without her. :wings

tracey74
01-20-2008, 04:02 PM
ma4agels its ok that shes like that at least I dont have to deal with her drama and her drinking. my kids rather not be around her because she really wasnt a grandmother to them ever. shes really the only grandparent they have also I mean they do have a step-grandfather but he lives over 200 miles from us and works all the time so he hasnt seen them in a long time.she treats my other sister like that also(me and my other sister have the same dad) my other 3 sisters(one is deceased) have different dads(yeah my mom did probably the same things your MIL did mine cheated constantly) and mom treats the "illegitimate" sisters better than she does the legitimate ones(me and my next oldest sister-im the oldest).my mom is like that to us because we dont kiss her butt and we tell her how things are and she doesnt like to hear the truth but anyway its fine with me Ive always been treated like crap by her and once she started doing it to my kids that was where I drew the line.and yeah life does go on without people like that in our lives.

ma4angels
01-20-2008, 07:35 PM
tracey74 I have always have found out that having negative and bad people in your life is just a drain on you emotionally. My Dh has basically gone through what you have most of his life. I think that after we got married he finally realized what it felt like to have someones support, someone that had his back. He finally started realizing what she was giving him was really nothing but grief. I think he really knew deep down what and how she was but he was just in denial because she is his mom. He has changed alot of things since then. He doesn't put up with her mess like he use to. I am just glad because like you said I draw the line when it comes to my kids. I will not let her damage them.

tracey74
01-20-2008, 09:44 PM
i totally agree with you I know what your hubby went through and no child should be treated like that it does kinda mess us up as adults but we ty to treat our kids better than our parents treated us. Id rather not have stress in my life(meaning my mother and one sister) neither one are greatful for all of the things we have done for them so I just dont bother with them they arent worth my time,effort or breath