Add Me To The List Of Failed Marriages

[okie]

I can't even believe this is happening. When I posted that thread about swearing I am sure most of you knew what I was referring to. My husband has had this thing for porn and it has finally gone to the real thing. I always snoop through his things because I really don't trust him because of the porn. Well a few weeks ago I went through his wallet. Something told me I didn't want to. I have never had that feeling but this time I did. I found a list of phone numbers with nicknames. I thought maybe they were women he had found online, like a singles board or something. I googled the numbers and they were phone numbers to escort services. He won't admit to cheating on me with them. When I first brought it up he was fixing to go to work. He said that is what I get for not putting out. I have medical things wrong with me that makes sex really painful. Then when he gets home he says that he was going to check into them but hadn't. He wouldn't say at first how long he had the numbers but I finally got him to admit that he has had them for six to eight months. This was about the time all this crap started with me. He still denies cheating on me but I am not so sure. Who hangs onto numbers that long and doesn't use them? Besides, we are married. He shouldn't have them in the first place. I just don't see how I can ever get passed this. I'm having surgery at the end of the month and he was going to walk out on me and the kids and I don't even have a job and won't be able to get one for a few weeks after the surgery. I'm in college and I'm probably going to have to give that up. This has been the year from hell for me and now I get to deal with this and he doesn't get why I can't just get over it.

[karefree]

Prayers for you and your family. I can't imagine how hard this must be for you and your children. Try to be strong for them and for yourself. Take care of your health first so that you can be well for them.

[ang in NC]

wow, I am so sorry. All I can say is I am sorry. This could and does happen to women all the time. Again I am sorry you are having to go through this.

[Barcode]

Oh.. that just really gets my goat! That's his answer? Not putting out? Pardon me for butting in here, but if I were you.. I wouldn't say another thing about it.. I would even go so far as to say I forgive you darlin' just until I had the surgery and was healed and found a job or another man that wouldn't care if I put out. I would be playing mind games on him and having a great time.. until then. Or pack his stuff tonight and have relatives move in. Your post has me cussing him out bad.

[ilovecats]

I'm sorry too.That is horrible.At least you know the truth now though,I know that is no help to you now but someday you will be thankful that you found out sooner rather than later.I am pretty sure there are people here who have btdt and survived,heck you are better off without him.Good luck!

[okie]

Oh.. that just really gets my goat! That's his answer? Not putting out? Pardon me for butting in here, but if I were you.. I wouldn't say another thing about it.. I would even go so far as to say I forgive you darlin' just until I had the surgery and was healed and found a job or another man that wouldn't care if I put out. I would be playing mind games on him and having a great time.. until then. Or pack his stuff tonight and have relatives move in. Your post has me cussing him out bad.

That's pretty much what I am doing. If I wasn't having this surgery and I had a job, he would have been out as soon as I found those numbers. For now, all I can do is plan and make him think we are okay. He was going to walk out and give me a month to find a job before he stopped supporting us. Mind you, I am having a hysterectomy the day after Christmas. I have known about this for a few weeks now. I'm hurt but I know that I have to think about my kids and I have to be smart and get everything planned. I want more than anything to kick his ass out right now.

[delSol]

I'm sorry to hear this, this place is like family and to have something happen to anyone is awful. I don't think I could ever forgive "that's what you get..."

I wish you the best

[YankeeMary]

Hmmm...I am thinking super glue then pop in some porn on the tv and as he gets "excited" he will be sorry. What a jerk. I am so sorry for you. Just remember he isn't worth the salt in your tears.

[BeanieLuvR]

I have tried to reply to this several times but I don't want to hurt you by saying what I really think about him. Me calling him names isn't going to help you. I am so very sorry he is doing this to you. I agree with ilovecats you are better off without him. Any man who would use your medical problems as an excuse to cheat or think about cheating is not much of a man in my eyes. You deserve so much better. I will be praying for you and your kids. :hug

[gmyers]

Whats wrong with all these men? It's bad enough what they're doing but to do it in the middle of the holidays when families should pull together is just sad. Are they thinking about you or your kids feelings at all. I'm really sorry this is happening to you. I hope your surgery goes good. I'll pray for you and your family.

[Bahet]

:hug I'm so sorry.

[okie]

Whats wrong with all these men? It's bad enough what they're doing but to do it in the middle of the holidays when families should pull together is just sad. Are they thinking about you or your kids feelings at all. I'm really sorry this is happening to you. I hope your surgery goes good. I'll pray for you and your family.


When I told my mom, she said that she held him on a pedalstool. She said that she never thought he would go out and cheat on me. She knew about the porn but never thought he would go so far to get the real thing. I didn't either. We've been together for 8 years and now it's all down the drain.

[lizmolik]

:hug...I am so sorry! I hope everything will get better for you...if you need to talk...pm me!

[gmyers]

When I told my mom, she said that she held him on a pedalstool. She said that she never thought he would go out and cheat on me. She knew about the porn but never thought he would go so far to get the real thing. I didn't either. We've been together for 8 years and now it's all down the drain.

Sex is good but I'll never understand someone throwing away an eight year marriage and their familes for it. Don't they realize that it only lasts thirty minutes if they're lucky. It's just not worth losing everything for. I hope you're ok. This has got to be really hard for you and your kids.

[okie]

Sex is good but I'll never understand someone throwing away an eight year marriage and their familes for it. Don't they realize that it only lasts thirty minutes if they're lucky. It's just not worth losing everything for. I hope you're ok. This has got to be really hard for you and your kids.

It's affecting my 6 yr old. He told me that he wished we would just get a divorce. That was really hard to hear coming from him. The night my husband was going to leave, my son seen him pack some of his stuff and this was right before my son went to bed. He said that he was going to give his dad an extra long hug because he thought he was leaving that night. My husband told him that he wasn't leaving that night. If I had a job and wasn't having this surgery he would have been long gone. The only reason he didn't walk out was because I told him that if he did before I was able to support the kids on my own then he would have hell to pay. My 2 yr old I am not sure if it is really affecting her or not because she is so young. It's my son that I am really worried about.

[DBackFan]

I am so sorry okie :hug

[Mom2Shaun]

OMG, that's so awful that I don't know what to say! But we're here for you, okie.

[magenta]

I'm so sorry for you and your children.

[PrincessArky]

I'm am sorry that he has done this to you. My son was 6 when my ex and I got divorced and it ripped him up but guess what??? lots of love and understanding and therapy he is fine and adjusted :) I was also married 8 yrs and a cheating hubby ended it. I can tell ya one thing........a year from now it will just be a bad memory even though I know right now it hurts so bad you can't imagine that but it will :)

[freeby4me]

Oh sweetie, im so sorry (((HUGS)))

[myspirit]

When one door closes, another opens. Beleive in yourself. You deserve better. I send you the brightest of blessings!

[Jackie_Blu]

Ohh, sweetie, I, too, am so very sorry this is happening to you. There's a lot of good advice in this thread for you, and I wont repeat what has already been written. You are wise to not do anything rash at this point. The main thing is to take care of you and your babies. I will keep you in my prayers :hug

I refrained from saying anything about your dh,but had to really bite my tongue to do it. I have btdt with my first dh (in this case,dh means dickhead) in a situation very very similar to yours, and remember well the heartbreak and emotional roller coaster you are on. I wish we lived close so I could be there for you. You can always pm me, too, if you would like.

[pepperpot]

I swear men have the biggest ego insecurities and somewhere in the middle they panic that they're old, unattractive and 'lost it' and then proceed to do the most ridiculous things to themselves and their family. They think with the 'wrong end'.

So sorry you are going through this at such a rough time for you and around the holidays to boot. Just give your children extra hugs, you all need them, and remember myspirit's advice.......will keep you in our prayers. Keep the faith and wishes for a speedy recovery from your surgery. ((hugs))

[pepperpot]

When one door closes, another opens. Beleive in yourself. You deserve better. I send you the brightest of blessings!

ITA :agree

[Army-Mom]

my prayers are with you and your children..so sad that so many families are breaking up ....sending hugs.

[mosdata1]

Just a few quick ???: are you renting or do you own your home? If you're renting, can you find a smaller apt & leave him there to pay the higher rent? Is there a relative you can move in with temporarily? I know these guys say they will pay, but until they hava a court order, many don't - some don't pay even with the court order! Also can you sock away a few extra $$ until you actually phsycally separate? I would also suggest you start calling around to find a good lawyer make sure you get alimony (since you can't work right now) as well as child support.
I'm so sorry this is happening to you, but you will survive - better yet, without him, you will most likely THRIVE.

[kabcrisp]

OMG! this is an epidemic. . .

Your story is my exact same story. . . and I asked him to move out in June and since he hasn't paid child support, barely sees his kid, harasses me daily, won't sign the divorce papers, hasn't kept a job and generally hates on me becasue I am trying my hardest to resume a normal life without him. .

I wish you all the best of luck, it has been hard for me and expect it will be so for a while yet but in my heart of hearts I am happier and better off than being with the:proud: deadbeat, loser, porn addicted half man that I had.

You will be too. I noticed you are here in OK pm me if you ever want to chat!

Take care.

[freeplease]

You might remind him that it takes a pretty pathetic man to have to pay for sex.

And what makes him think he'll be able to just walk away? Get a lawyer. Get one now. Your husband doesn't have to know what's going on. Maybe someone through school can help you out. Go to student affairs and ask for help. Don't give up on school. You'll need it to support your family.

[taz69]

I am so sorry you are going through this too! Be strong, things will work out. Stay in school! Use your friends, family, welfare, grants until you get that degree!

[Willow]

I'm sorry that happened. What part of in sickness and in health do people not understand?

[mosdata1]

I meant to add that you should not have to give up going to college, just make sure that you let your lawyer know that this is something you were doing before he walked out & you need him to continue to help support you through that too.

[hblueeyes]

I am so sorry for what you are going thru.

I must say that you are not alone and that you are also not alone in being foolish. Why do you guys get those feelings something is amiss, which is usually right on, but then get confrontational before you get yourself set up so if he walks out you are not stunned like a deer in the headlights. About 20 years ago, I suspected something with my hubby as well. I asked about my suspicions calmly and in a sort of flip way. I did not trust the explanations so I started stashing money, looking for a place to go with my 3 small children. I bought a cheap $300 dollar car with money from my Mom and told him it barely got home and needed to be fixed which was a lie but I did not want him using it or messing with it. Inside of 3 months I had over $1000 stashed along with boat loads of diapers, food and other things I thought we'd need. I went to DCFS and got the paperwork ready with all documentation so if he or I walked, I'd be OK. The woman Jane, he was helping became needy and that fed his ego. Fortunately he made the right decision and stayed with me and the kids. We have been together ever since. My $1000 stash is larger now as I never want to be in that situation again. I still hoard what I believe are necessities and now that I quit smoking, I can stash much more. At worst, I'll be ok at best eventually we'll be able to buy our own home or take a trip around the world.

Me

[PrincessArky]

I am so sorry for what you are going thru.

I must say that you are not alone and that you are also not alone in being foolish. Why do you guys get those feelings something is amiss, which is usually right on, but then get confrontational before you get yourself set up so if he walks out you are not stunned like a deer in the headlights. About 20 years ago, I suspected something with my hubby as well. I asked about my suspicions calmly and in a sort of flip way. I did not trust the explanations so I started stashing money, looking for a place to go with my 3 small children. I bought a cheap $300 dollar car with money from my Mom and told him it barely got home and needed to be fixed which was a lie but I did not want him using it or messing with it. Inside of 3 months I had over $1000 stashed along with boat loads of diapers, food and other things I thought we'd need. I went to DCFS and got the paperwork ready with all documentation so if he or I walked, I'd be OK. The woman Jane, he was helping became needy and that fed his ego. Fortunately he made the right decision and stayed with me and the kids. We have been together ever since. My $1000 stash is larger now as I never want to be in that situation again. I still hoard what I believe are necessities and now that I quit smoking, I can stash much more. At worst, I'll be ok at best eventually we'll be able to buy our own home or take a trip around the world.

Me

very smart I believe EVERY married woman should have a stash no matter how great the relationship is

[Mary_Jo3]

very smart I believe EVERY married woman should have a stash no matter how great the relationship is

Amen

[ahippiechic]

Sorry you are going thru this. Hopefully things will get better for you soon!

And I have a stash also, even tho my relationship is great. My DH knows I have it, but he can't access it. I learned my lesson with my 1st DH, so my husband understand why I need it.

[okie]

Just a few quick ???: are you renting or do you own your home? If you're renting, can you find a smaller apt & leave him there to pay the higher rent? Is there a relative you can move in with temporarily? I know these guys say they will pay, but until they hava a court order, many don't - some don't pay even with the court order! Also can you sock away a few extra $$ until you actually phsycally separate? I would also suggest you start calling around to find a good lawyer make sure you get alimony (since you can't work right now) as well as child support.
I'm so sorry this is happening to you, but you will survive - better yet, without him, you will most likely THRIVE.

We own our home. My mortgage would be cheaper than me renting somewhere so I plan on staying here. He'll probably just go move back in with mommy and daddy. I've been trying to put some money away. I've been getting a little extra on my student loans and putting that away. Tax season will also be here about the time I plan on giving him the boot. I know from experience with my mom when we were younger that they don't support their kids or even come around so I am preparing for that.

OMG! this is an epidemic. . .

Your story is my exact same story. . . and I asked him to move out in June and since he hasn't paid child support, barely sees his kid, harasses me daily, won't sign the divorce papers, hasn't kept a job and generally hates on me becasue I am trying my hardest to resume a normal life without him. .

I wish you all the best of luck, it has been hard for me and expect it will be so for a while yet but in my heart of hearts I am happier and better off than being with the:proud: deadbeat, loser, porn addicted half man that I had.

You will be too. I noticed you are here in OK pm me if you ever want to chat!

Take care.

It must be in the water here! Won't the courts give you a divorce even though he won't sign the papers? I'm afraid that I will be in the same situation. He used to threaten me that he would fight me for the kids, house and everything else. He also said that he would never walk out on us. He has changed so much that I do not know him or what he would do anymore.

[flute]

(((Hugs Prayers & Love)))

[sheila_361]

:hug You are sooooo much better off without a loser like that in your life. It's not always good to stay for the kids sake, I know this first hand. My prayers are with you, keep your chin up and your head held high..

[Mary_Jo3]

Addicition to porn is an illness.
Talk to an attorney ASAP, see what evicence you will need to keep your kids, the phone numbers in his wallet, where he goes online etc.
Keep a diary, keep it hidden so he can't find it, don't keep it on the computer actually write it down in a note book, but again he must not be able to find it.
If he belongs to an online service they charge, see if there are any credit card payments to those types of things.
But only do these things if you feel it's safe.
I would still get advise from an attorney, womens shelter, college counsler, or someone else who knows about these things.

[kabcrisp]

Plan for the worst but hope for the best. . .

The issue isn't the divorce, it's the divorce with minor children that is holding this divorce up. . . The papers are written up with a child support agreement tied in and he won't sign those hence. . .no divorce.

He keeps quitting jobs and I suspect working under the table at different places and meanwhile it keeps me and his daughter's future in limbo.

I am working as a temp, no medical insurance, paying childcare on my own as I make to much to qualify for anything else. . .even tho my job could end tomorrow.

It sucks but I still maintain I AM BETTER OFF!

Honestly, plan, organize, then act as he is counting on you needing him and when you make it clear you don't that is when the shit will hit the fan. BE READY!

I thank God my family/friends are supportive. . . You are going to be a-okay.

[Tasha405]

I am so sorry okie!! :hug

[kelblend]

I'm really sorry to hear about this. I don't know if you've addressed this or not, but is there any chance he would look on this forum and read your stuff?

[Shann]

very smart I believe EVERY married woman should have a stash no matter how great the relationship is


:hug You are sooooo much better off without a loser like that in your life. It's not always good to stay for the kids sake

I agree w/ these statements. That's great that you got a stash. I'm so sorry this is happening, what a horrible thing for him to do, but let the loser go, you don't need him pulling you down. :hug I know it's going to be hard, but it sounds like this will be the best in the end.

[mirage7000]

Sorry you are going thru this. Hopefully things will get better for you soon!

And I have a stash also, even tho my relationship is great. My DH knows I have it, but he can't access it. I learned my lesson with my 1st DH, so my husband understand why I need it.

Wish I would have been smart enough. I had an inheritance that I lost being with a jerk for 22 years. Put it all in a house to find out he had a girlfriend. I only hope all the best for you and your children! Hugs I remember living off a penny jug for quite awhile before I got alimony.

[sunniekiss]

Hang in there...things can only get better since thye can't get much worse.\My EX cheated on me WHILE I was in the hospital having a hystrectomy. He told me I was no longer a woman but I was an "IT" now!!!

My advice to you, if you have any joint bank accounts or checking accounts take just about every cent out of them NOW & put them in an account with you & your children's names on it.

You will probably get spousal support for awhile sinve you will be having a SLOW recovery. Talk to your doctor about it. My doctor wrote a letter on my behalf. I received support for 3 years & he was responsible for all of my medical bills PLUS had to keep me on his health insurance.

If I were you, I would kick him out NOW & not wait. Do you honestly want him to make any decision on your behalf while you are having surgery especially IF there were complications?

BEST of LUCK!

[tracey74]

is there anyway you can hire a private investigator or heck write to cheaters(the tv show) and they can follow him to see if he is cheating this way you will have evidence that he is cheating.Im sorry that this is happening to you what is wrong with these men that they can handle real life so they leave their wives and children?.men like that need shot or castrated or both I can believe he would go to an escort service that is just plain nasty. I definately would not even allow him in the same bed.hope you get this worked out. you can always call the escort service or have another male you know call and act like hes your hubby and that way maybe they will know hubby by name or maybe he sees one regular girl. be sneaky and get all the info you can get.

[jcw]

I'm so sorry for what you are going through

[okie]

I'm really sorry to hear about this. I don't know if you've addressed this or not, but is there any chance he would look on this forum and read your stuff?

I have my windows passworded. The only other way is to look in the computer and he isn't that smart.


Hang in there...things can only get better since thye can't get much worse.\My EX cheated on me WHILE I was in the hospital having a hystrectomy. He told me I was no longer a woman but I was an "IT" now!!!

My advice to you, if you have any joint bank accounts or checking accounts take just about every cent out of them NOW & put them in an account with you & your children's names on it.

You will probably get spousal support for awhile sinve you will be having a SLOW recovery. Talk to your doctor about it. My doctor wrote a letter on my behalf. I received support for 3 years & he was responsible for all of my medical bills PLUS had to keep me on his health insurance.

If I were you, I would kick him out NOW & not wait. Do you honestly want him to make any decision on your behalf while you are having surgery especially IF there were complications?

BEST of LUCK!

I've thought about that and I am going to get something notarized giving my mom authority over making decisions for me. I just have to run it by my doctor and I need to call an attorney to see if it would hold up.

[earnhardt1]

i hope allof you who are going through this horrible time stay strong and pull through............. men can be such assholes

[tigger4]

You need to talk to a lawyer.

You can take the money out of the joint accounts, but if you live in a community property state half of it belongs to him so you are technically stealing. Same with the house. You may be made to sell the house and give him half of the proceeds.

Find out if your state has spousal support, not all states do. You will get child support for sure, but you may not get spousal support.

Definitely see if you can talk to a lawyer. Also, find out if you live in a no fault divorce state or not. That will help with figuring out how to file.

[pepperpot]

Okie, you obviously cared for/loved this man at one point (you may still do).

Have you as a couple ever sought professional help? Like a counselor?

I agree that you should protect yourself and your children and prepare for the worst......however...have you ever tried to 'fix' or address the real problem? Is this relationship totally unsalvageable? Only you know that.

[lassss]

Okie, did I hear you right when you said: "He was going to walk out and give me a month to find a job before he stopped supporting us." Who the hell is he to dictate how much money you should get and for only a month???? It is not up to HIM to decide that he will stop supporting you!! It is up to the courts. If I were you, I would file for divorce, spousal and child support before you go in for surgery and tell them you are separated. Don't let him tell you anything or try to intimidate you, you are in control of YOUR life. Good luck and keep us posted

[iluvmybaby]

My thoughts are with you, I have been down the divorce road with the mentally ill husband, so my prayers are with you. I hope you recover quickly from your surgery, plan your escape route, REST as much as possible, keep your car keys and $$$ always close at hand, and take care

[okie]

You need to talk to a lawyer.

You can take the money out of the joint accounts, but if you live in a community property state half of it belongs to him so you are technically stealing. Same with the house. You may be made to sell the house and give him half of the proceeds.

Find out if your state has spousal support, not all states do. You will get child support for sure, but you may not get spousal support.

Definitely see if you can talk to a lawyer. Also, find out if you live in a no fault divorce state or not. That will help with figuring out how to file.

This is a community property state. I know when my aunt and uncle got a divorce they just split things and he signed the house over to her. We have alimony here. I believe it's a no fault state.


Okie, you obviously cared for/loved this man at one point (you may still do).

Have you as a couple ever sought professional help? Like a counselor?

I agree that you should protect yourself and your children and prepare for the worst......however...have you ever tried to 'fix' or address the real problem? Is this relationship totally unsalvageable? Only you know that.

You know after all this crap, yes, I still have feelings for him. They just change day to day. Right now I am at a point where I am tired of dealing with this. It isn't something that has happened overnight. It has been going on for years. For a long time I hid it from my own family and I am just tired of pretending that everything is okay when it isn't. I tried to get counseling for him for his problem and marriage counseling for both of us. He only wants to go if it is free. I had to try and find him a counselor because he wouldn't do it. I have passworded the computer and thrown out all the movies I could find. That's what one counselor told me to do. He just buys more and now it has gone to the real thing. He said it hasn't but I don't trust him. Who keeps numbers for over six months and never uses them?


Okie, did I hear you right when you said: "He was going to walk out and give me a month to find a job before he stopped supporting us." Who the hell is he to dictate how much money you should get and for only a month???? It is not up to HIM to decide that he will stop supporting you!! It is up to the courts. If I were you, I would file for divorce, spousal and child support before you go in for surgery and tell them you are separated. Don't let him tell you anything or try to intimidate you, you are in control of YOUR life. Good luck and keep us posted


Yep, that is what he said.

[kabcrisp]

Okie. . .

they lie. don't believe a word of it. go with your instincts and clearly like myself your instincts were saying years ago to move on. . .

he will continue to lie, he will make leaving him hard but it so possible. Be strong for your kids, look out for ONLY yourself & your kids now.

Please don't hesitiate to vent to me. . .

[gmyers]

Okie I hope you're feeling better today. I hope things work out for you and your kids.

[Bliss]

I can't even believe this is happening. When I posted that thread about swearing I am sure most of you knew what I was referring to. My husband has had this thing for porn and it has finally gone to the real thing. I always snoop through his things because I really don't trust him because of the porn. Well a few weeks ago I went through his wallet. Something told me I didn't want to. I have never had that feeling but this time I did. I found a list of phone numbers with nicknames. I thought maybe they were women he had found online, like a singles board or something. I googled the numbers and they were phone numbers to escort services. He won't admit to cheating on me with them. When I first brought it up he was fixing to go to work. He said that is what I get for not putting out. I have medical things wrong with me that makes sex really painful. Then when he gets home he says that he was going to check into them but hadn't. He wouldn't say at first how long he had the numbers but I finally got him to admit that he has had them for six to eight months. This was about the time all this crap started with me. He still denies cheating on me but I am not so sure. Who hangs onto numbers that long and doesn't use them? Besides, we are married. He shouldn't have them in the first place. I just don't see how I can ever get passed this. I'm having surgery at the end of the month and he was going to walk out on me and the kids and I don't even have a job and won't be able to get one for a few weeks after the surgery. I'm in college and I'm probably going to have to give that up. This has been the year from hell for me and now I get to deal with this and he doesn't get why I can't just get over it.



Men are like that when it comes to sex. Most don't give a damn whether you are hurting or not, it's all about their needs & if you are not "putting out" they go else where to get their cheap thrill. Most likely he has cheated on you, I highly doubt he'll admit to it.

I'm sorry you are going through so much pain. I had a hysterectomy last year, it hasn't been a bed of roses. Hope everything works out for you.