Family Troubles

[chyna123]

Well I posted awhile back and I really hate to say much on here but I dont know who else I can turn to and get any advice... I have 3 daughters and I am currently married to a man and have been with him for 13 years married for 9.. Things are falling apart right before my eyes and its like I cant control whats happening...I have tried everything I can and nothing seems to be helping.. Me and him are over I guess.. He spends every wakeing moment on the computer singing and just doing random stuff... I know he speaks to other women but not sure to what extent..I did find a message the other day that he sent to one woman and he had told her that she was gorgous.. I think that is wrong on so many levels...I gave him a choice the other night either the internet or me and his kids and he chose the internet... I just dont understand... 13 years right down the drain and it doesnt even seem to phase him.. I have no money,no car and no place to go so I am stuck in the same house as him until at least tax time... please someone tell me what is wrong with me or what I am doing wrong... I dont want to fight or argue with anyone on here...but I am looking for help... I can explain more if you need me to but would rather not do so out in the open... if anyone has been through anything similar please let me know....

[freeby4me]

Go to your local womens shelter, dont stay any longer than you have to. Think of the kids, imagine what it will do to them watching you stay for those reasons. Take control of your life.
The last thing you need to teach your girls is that its OK to be treated like sh*t being totally dependent on a man that doesnt care about you.

Most important, (((HUGS)))

[buttrfli]

:(

:hug:

[DrGrin]

Have the internet turned off. If he's so badly addicted to the internet that he would choose time with the net over his family, he needs to be admitted into a mental health facility. There are programs that can help. It's just like any other addiction.

[BlueBerriTerri]

I'm sorry that this is happening to you. I would say family therapy, but it sounds like he might not be receptive to that. Maybe you can talk to a spiritual advisor or a family member about it. It sounds like he is addicted--maybe it's time to stage an intervention. If he is just neglecting you and is not abusive to you or your children, I wouldn't say leave just yet when you have no resources. Is there a way that you can put some money away and/or maybe sell some things on eBay so that you can save up a little money to live on if you do decide to leave? Or a relative that you can stay with until you get on your feet? It's always a good idea to start saving up even when things are going well because you never know.

[BeanieLuvR]

There is nothing wrong with you. He definitely has a problem. I agree with DrGrin that he needs professional help. He has to be willing to get help to change. I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. :hug

[4diego]

I've been where you are, even had three children. I'd only been married for 10 years but felt horrible walking away after "investing" so much time, love, life, etc... It was REALLY hard and there were times I wanted to just run back but didn't. God blessed me and my children about four years later with the most wonderful man I've ever met. Everything happens for a reason, no matter how it seems right now. I wish you the strength to do whatever you decide is best for you and your children, and will be praying for you too!

[Tasha405]

I'm sorry you are going through all of this. I don't have any advice, just hugs. :hug

[catdance]

I don't get it, does he have a job, how do you pay for the internet?
Why do you think this has happened?
It seems odd a relationship went so sour, sounds like once you were happy, what has changed?
How has he changed?
Or you?
Somewhere something happened in order for all of this to have started.
And any man sitting on a computer and calling women gorgeous that they don't even know is really just cruel because now you KNOW, it is a very childish thing to do.
How will you manage until tax time, sounds really unhappy now.
And hurt feelings suck.
I can tell your's are very hurt.Worse MEAN people suck, and he is behaving mean, actually he is cruel.
I am sorry and send you HUGS..and I pray you manage until you can leave.

[4diego]

I'd also add (don't everyone hate me!) - if your really going to leave, start putting back money where you can. And you have to decide what "stuff" is REALLY important to you, when you leave, you really only can take so much with you. And be sure your family, etc... that knows (when/if you leave) will not tell, under any circumstances, where you and the kids are once you leave.

[lazydaisy]

Sorry things aren't going well for you. Does he realize the relationship is going down hill? Men can really be dense sometimes and if you haven't talked to him about it he might not even know how you feel.

If you really think that there is no way of working things out, I think you should stay there and prepare to leave when you can afford it. Just look at it as a means to an end. He pays the bills (?) while you wittle a little money away and save for that rainy day. When taxes comes you and the girls can move out. Before that maybe you can find employment close enough that you won't need car. And you can always get assistance from social services in the ways of housing, food stamps, and sometimes cash assistance.

Good luck!!

[okie]

I agree about the putting money back. I would not put up with that. If you don't NEED the internet then have it turned off. When you get to the point where you are in a place to give an ultimatum. Tell him to quit or get out. That may or may not work though. He is cheating on you and you don't deserve that and shouldn't put up with it.

[chyna123]

OKay I want to start off and say that I appreciate everyones replies....I do want to say one thing though and I should have said this in my first post but didnt cause i was just all to pieces....... He isnt Physically Abusive...and I am not laying all the blame on him....I am at fault also.....It takes 2 people to make a marriage work..... I have tried and tried but nothing has seemed to help..... He has always enjoyed getting online and doing his thing as far as singing and playing games or whatever and I have never had a problem with him doing so......But I do have problems with him online talking to other women...and we have had that problem off and on for 10 years..... I have always had a hard time trusting him for that reason alone.....I just dont understand all this...I really dont..... How can a man choose something like the internet over his own wife and children? I mean please someone tell me..... I am human...I am the one that cleans,cooks,does everything for this man...Not the dam computer....I dont think I have ever felt like I did when I heard him tell me the other day that he would not disconnect his internet for me....This is the man that I have Loved and cared for and gave my heart and soul to 13 years ago....The one that i always dreamed of growing old with and always being by his side through the good and bad...at this very moment I would give my life up to save his.....I just dont understand....maybe i am missing something....I love my kids and would never want to hurt them in anyway..... but enough is enough.....and I just cant continue on like this....I am going to be listing some stuff on the FSOT board and hopefully try to get me some money put back to get me some place to live...I have no choice...I cant be with a man that would choose something so unreal and fake over something thats right here and real as can be.....and now I dont think it would make a difference if he decided he would give it up cause he already said he wouldnt so in the back of my mind I will always remember him looking me in the eye and telling me he wouldnt...None of this probably makes any sense...I dont understand it all myself....anyways sorry for rambling so much....

[chyna123]

To answer some of the questions...yes he has a job...when he isnt at work he is on the computer........every free minute he has he is on the pc.... yes he knows there is problems...I told him I was leaving as soon as I got me a place to live...he doesnt really act like it bothers him so much..... he has gotten so caught up in the internet world that I think he forgot about the REAL WORLD! thats the only thing I can figure out.... I dont know what to think about all this anymore...

[Freebeemom]

Sounds like you need to isolate him. Have a discussion about it. Find out what his thoughts are. Perhaps he is depressed about something? I know my dh went through something similar, and it is very hard to watch.
I am not big on just Up and leaving....sounds to me like you want to work it out. So, why not talk? Why not email him your thoughts if you can't speak about it first. Perhaps it will start a discussion.

[BlueBerriTerri]

I met my husband seven years ago on the Internet (I hate telling people that, because they always laugh at me but he is the best man I've ever known) and it can be a very exciting experience. It is SO easy to shut out the rest of the world and it can become like a second life. He is probably rationalizing that since the relationship is not physical, then he isn't cheating on you. But he is cheating on you emotionally and he is not talking and spending time with you and the children and that can be even worse.

As someone who has been in an emotionally abusive relationship, I can tell you that it is all too easy as a woman to pour your entire identity into your spouse and children. We forget about the things that are important to us---the things that we enjoyed doing before there was a husband and children. When your spouse starts pulling away, or the children leave the nest then you feel lost because you've made their lives the center of your own. I'm not sure what kind of access you have to any medical services or therapy, but you may need someone professional to talk to even if your husband refuses to go. I know you are hurting badly, it's not fair for him to put you through this. I hope you can move on from the hurt and get angry because you don't deserve this. I nearly wallowed in a pit of despair before I came to my senses and realized that I deserved better. He was out there being happy and I was at home crying. You deserve better, and realize that no matter what you think you look like (your pic is attractive) or how badly YOU feel about yourself--I guarantee that if your husband does not come to his senses, there IS someone out there for you that will treat you the way that you deserve to be treated. You just have to gather the confidence to go out there and be who you are and enjoy your life. I hate to use the cliche, but life is short--too short to waste. I had a friend a long time ago who summed it up to me this way: If the unhappiness in your relationship outweighs the happiness, it's time to make a move. Internet romances are usually not all that they seem to be, so chances are that he may realize this eventuallly. People lie about so many things, and some of them are dangerous. He may come to his senses if you leave, but there's no guarantee. I'm really sorry that you are going through this--I know about investing so much time and love in a relationship only to watch it fall apart right before your eyes.

[DrGrin]

http://www.kudzumonthly.com/kudzu/jul01/addiction.html

http://mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php?type=doc&id=3832&cn=66

http://www.netaddiction.com/

http://psychcentral.com/netaddiction/

http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/cyberaffair/

http://www.google.com/Top/Health/Addictions/Internet/

http://www.nytimes.com/2005/12/01/fashion/thursdaystyles/01addict.html

http://library.albany.edu/briggs/addiction.html

http://www.selfhelpmagazine.com/articles/internet/intaddic.html

http://www.addictionrecov.org/intwhat.htm

http://www.counseling.txstate.edu/selfHelp/bro/interadd.html

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/176012/how_to_help_your_spouse_overcome_internet.html

http://alcoholism.about.com/library/weekly/aa990830.htm (Webaholics Anonymous

http://www.intervention.com/defns.html

[chyna123]

Thanks for all the replys and Links......I sure appreciate it...... I have tried talking to him and he always tries to turn it around on me making me out to be the bad guy.....I think I am to the point now that I have given up..... I am no longer in love with him but still love him if that makes sense... I guess all this was meant to happen...I just wish I had a place to live instead of having to be in the same house as him......Thats what is killing me.....

[chyna123]

and I truly want to say to each and everyone of you that have replied...I appreciate it more than you know.... I feel like I have no one to talk to or turn to and you all have made me realize that maybe I dont have anyone in real life but I have you all....

[hblueeyes]

Why would you consider leaving with 3 kids? Why not just ask him to leave. You may have none of your own money so it is time you started stashing and get a job. He would need to pay child support and possibly alimony (separate maintence). I do not think talking to woman on the internet is bad unless he is looking for a relationship. Get on the puter and get the info on these woman you need for court. yes you have invested alot but so has he. Maybe he is getting some excitement from it. If you have tried everything does that include asking him why and what you can do? I spend alot more time on the computer than I should too. Hubby complains all the time about it. But then those gift cards and checks start coming in along with test products and free stuff and he lets up. It helps make ends meet. But then he started going on and he is on almost as much as me. But I compare my internet time to him in front of the television. At least I get stuff from the internet. How does he meet these woman online? Why not go where he goes and meet him online. Would it make things worse if he discovered it was you or make him realize you are really all he needs. OR, would you then freak because he did not know it was you and then you would feel cheated on?

if ending it is the best solution remember you are married and entitled to half. Half the bills and half the finances. You have been married 10 years so you are also entitled to half his pension, half the house, half his 401K, 305B or whatever paln he has from his employer. You are also entitled to half of all the stuff you own jointly. So you are not broke, you just need a court order to get it. Also time to charge a few things you will need once you move. Take money from your joint accounts and open your own accounts. I am not saying to wipe him out, just do what you need to get moving on. Can you afford the house? If so then kick him to the curb. If not, then it is time to sell or have him buy you out. Get your own appraisal from your bank so he cannot cheat you there. Divide the belongings equally. Tell him he can keep the computer but you want the front room furniture. Keep the big screen tv, you want the kitchen utensils. He'll think he is getting a great deal until he discovers a decent hand can opener costs $15, silverware, dishes, pots/pans etc. Good luck

Me

[chyna123]

I have not asked him to leave because we live on his mother's property and with his mom living on one side and brother on the other side to me it would not be worth it... I get along fine with them but it would just not be comfortable I dont think... I had a job... my car blew up and I lost my job due to that...its so much more complicated... We are BOTH broke...Barely making ends meet right now...The only reason I havent disconnected the internet is because of the contract he signed when he hooked up to it... I also do surveys and get free stuff online...He hasnt met anyone from the internet its just mainly talking right now...but he is saying things he shouldnt be saying to another woman... I am his wife.....if he wants to tell someone they are gorgous he needs to tell me not some other woman on here..... Its wrong... In my opinion.... Like I said I have 3 Daughters...There isnt going to be no going to court to get half of anything...my kids will be visiting him and they will need the stuff here as much as they would need it at my new home... I am not going to hurt my kids no more than what they are now... They are still young and dont understand everything that is going on...... I dont plan on leaving empty handed...But I refuse to make things any harder than they alrready are.....

[chyna123]

yes I will be getting child support... we agreed on $350.00 a month until he can get all the bills sqaured away..he had agreed to keep the bills and pay them.... And also let me say this much... me and Him are having problems...But he is a excellent father..he has always provided for them and took care of them....

[BeanieLuvR]

(((chyna123)))

[magenta]

No one will probably agree w/ me. I did not read each and every word in every reply, but I am going to throw this out there. In no way am I defending him or slamming you or your decision.

But have you thought that maybe he is addicted? To the internet? To porn? To the attention he gets online? It does happen. It sounds stupid when you can just shut it off. But that is like telling an alcoholic not to drink. And I know a little about addiction, and some addicts will pick their "drug" over their family.

Have you discussed therapy w/ him? I know he may not be receptive to it, but you can go first. Then the therapist tries to find a way to bring him in.

Like I said, I am just throwing it out there. I don't know him. Or you for that matter. Hope it works all out. Good Luck.

[lassss]

I agee with magenta, he IS addicted to the internet. Time to password protect the computer and get him offline. You need to go into the start up when you turn on the computer. It might be F10 or F12 or hit escape when the computer starts to boot up. Once you get to the BIOS, you can set the password. So everytime you push the power button, you need to put in the password in order for windows to start up.

I know many women say the guy will pay the bills or child support.. GET a court order for child support and for spousal support. Do not rely on just his word. I have seen this so many times, the guy might have good intentions but at some point (if it happens) he is not going to pay. Take care of you and your children first. Start a side checking or savings account and throw everything you have into it, no matter how small the amount is. Everything you sell, put aside because you will need it. File for welfare if you need it to feed your children. If they are school age, try and find a part time job during those hours.

Perhaps find a fulltime job on a different shift from him so he can watch the kids and you can make your own money. If you get a divorce, you will need to provide for yourself.

Please do not take this personally but women should never be dependent on a man, they seem to lose their independence and then think they can't make it on their own without a guy. You will see you are alot stronger making it on your own. I have been there done that. I raised a child by myself, it can be done..Keep us updated and best of luck to you

[kabcrisp]

((((chyna123))))

This sounds really familiar. I just filed for divorce from a man who made a similar choice.

I asked him to leave as I was the one caring for our child anyway. Which he did willingly, it makes no sense to me that I should leave and make my child be in an unstable environment because he chose the internet over his family.

After he left I tried to get to the root of everything, I looked at what I did wrong as well as the things he did wrong and I can tell you now YOU DESERVE BETTER.

If his mother/brother can't see it is in your children's best interest to stay with you in the only home you ever knew then TOO BAD. When you are able, and he really pays the child support you both agreed upon, then I'd say then you could move. . .I think with some relflection you'll see you will fair way better leaving him than he will fair having made this choice.

Since I asked my husband to leave. . .he's been hired & fired from 3 jobs. He's said he would pay child support but hasn't as yet. He still finds time to get online via his cell phone and the library to check his emails. He lives with his ailing mother and disabled brother paying no rent and driving a car with expired tags.

Meanwhile. . .I've been current on all my bills, my car has insurance FINALLY as well as up to date tags, I enrolled in health insurance for my kid and myslef and my mother got me a couch! I am not living high on the hog, I am struggling but at least I don't have to look at him anymore doing exactly what he wants to do while my life as mother and employee and wife go on as usual.

If you want to chat PM me, I only get online while at work as I don't have a computer at home but I'd be more than happy to listen and share my own experiences.

Good luck to you. . .

[tracey74]

chyna he is probably believing what these other women are telling him most people who talk to others on the internet and get addicted believe what is told to them. they think that the grass is greener on the other side when most times it isnt. if he takes the internet over you then Id say hes in deeper with other women then he lets on. he obviously cant deal with the problems you and he have so hes thinking these other women can give him what he might think he needs even if he doesnt need anything I know because Ive been there before. you can get whats called a keylogger program that will record everything he types on the internet and you can have the "proof: emailed to your email just to see if he is in way too deep. any man that would pick the internet over their family obviously doesnt know what he has at home. hell all marriages have problems but Ive found a lot of those women online will tell a married men anything they want to hear to stroke the mans ego. men do it to women too. but ask him one night if he minds if you sit with him while on the internet and see if he will talk to these women while youre there. or walk in on him quietly if he closes things out (like pages) when you walk in or doesnt agree to let you sit there then hes hiding something, for all you know he can be meeting these women on his way to work or on the way home. you just never know all I know is you need to do whats best for you and your kids I hope things work out for the best for you. but again they have keylogger programs that run in the background and he wont know they are on there you can hide it and he wont know the difference a lot of them out there are free and some will show up as spyware but they arent . hope this helps

[gmyers]

I'm really sorry for what you're going through. It seems like some people always think the grass is greener somewhere else. Whats sad is that person will have there fun and then move on to someone else. And he'll realize what he had and lost but it'll be too late. I wish he'd just stop and think what he's got with you is really good and realize what he's doing isn't worth losing you and his family. I really feel for you. I'll pray that God will help him see what he's got and wake him up before its too late.

[Freebeemom]

IT still stounds to me like you need to have a discussion with him, outside of your home. Can you get a sitter and get out of the house? Go to a park, small restaurant, etc. Let him know that you are serious about a discussion. If he isn't showing any interest, than you have your answer. But at least exhaust the possibilities for yourself! That way, at least you know YOU tried.

Unfortunately, the way this goes in life is that we are all alone.
I have a friend, married for 10 yrs, just divorced b/c of dh being addicted to the computer. My sister is in a similar situation. SHe has a better relationship w/her husband online than in reality. It will come down to your choice of wanting to live like this, or not wanting to live like this. For the sake of your children....

[Johnsmom]

I have a friend who went through something similar. Her husband was in Iraq with my husband. He started several online relationships saying he was single and even made plans to meet one person. My friend was pretty savvy and gained access to many of his yahoo accounts as well as his main e-mail account. She contacted these women and played detective and confronted him. First, he said he would go to counseling, then he decided he wanted a divorce. They did divorce and she moved on. He later told my hubby he regrets what he did. I honesty think they believe they will have this "exciting" new life, away from the hum drum reality of raising children, taking care of a home etc. The internet can make it so easy to live out this fantasy life. My friend's hubby was married to a beautiful lady, who was really a little out of his league looks-wise, had a nice home, good job and 2 lovely small children. He threw it all away to be a "player" on the internet.

I don't have a lot of advice, but as you are working through what you decide to do, follow the advice about socking away some money. Start preparing now in case you do end up leaving the relationship. Don't let him know of your "stash" of money/documents. Get a credit card in your name only if you can and if you split up, cancel all joint accounts. Get yourself a savings account in your name only and keep it a secret.

I hope your hubby realizes, before it is too late, that he is making a huge mistake.

[DBackFan]

:hug :hug Just some hugs for you girl, you can use them.

[Shann]

No one will probably agree w/ me. I did not read each and every word in every reply, but I am going to throw this out there. In no way am I defending him or slamming you or your decision.

But have you thought that maybe he is addicted? To the internet? To porn? To the attention he gets online? It does happen. It sounds stupid when you can just shut it off. But that is like telling an alcoholic not to drink. And I know a little about addiction, and some addicts will pick their "drug" over their family.

Have you discussed therapy w/ him? I know he may not be receptive to it, but you can go first. Then the therapist tries to find a way to bring him in.

Like I said, I am just throwing it out there. I don't know him. Or you for that matter. Hope it works all out. Good Luck.

I agree w/ this completely, just reading what you wrote, this is the first thing that popped in my head, this is why he cannot turn it off and is choosing it over you and the kids. I'm so sorry :hug

[chyna123]

Again everyone thanks for the replies...the past couple days have been pretty good...Just trying to get along with him the best I can until I can get out for my kids sake.. and I have to agree with one of the posters here for sure...(MAGENTA) I do believe its exactly what you said... I think he is addicted to the internet and Loves the attention he gets from other women...He sings online alot.. He does his recordings and so forth and they are constantly commenting on his singing and so forth and I believe it swells his head up... I have tried giving him every bit of my attention and nothing seems to help.. I have officially given up... I am just going to work on getting myself and my kids out of this mess and try to move on with my life...Again thanks to everyone for your thoughts and suggestions... It means more to me than ya know!

[Bliss]

It sounds like you two just grew apart. You can't make someone love you or stay in a relationship if they do not feel the same way. He may very well have found someone online - It may be the reason nothing you say is phasing him..... Yes, many married men do get online and chat with women. Their wives have no idea what is going on..... Good luck!