usascs
10-21-2005, 03:30 PM
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The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar. "I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?" "There is," he replied.
"Breakfast."
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COUPLE OF FUNNIES (NOT TO OFFEND ANYONE OK)
A guy walks into a bar with a giraffe under one arm. He walks up to the bar, places the giraffe on the floor and orders a beer. The bartender gets the guy his drink and then says, "Hey, you can't leave dat lyin' there!" The guy gives the bartender a weird look and says, "It's not a lion, it's a giraffe."
The waitress was waiting about as patiently as could be expected while the guy was slowly going over the breakfast menu. He said to the other guys in the booth, and loud enough for her to overhear, "I usually never return to a restaurant unless one of the sausages I'm served with my eggs is a match in size for my own."
The waitress gave him a disgusted look and commented,, "In that case, maybe you should be looking at the children's menu."
Little Susie was asked what she wanted most for her birthday and she declared, "A baby brother." "Sweetheart, Daddy and I would like to give you a baby brother," said her mom, "But there just isn't time before your birthday." Susie thought for a moment and replied, "Why don't you do like they do down at Daddy's factory when they want something in a hurry? Put more men on the job."
One day Pebbles Flintstone was in bed with Fred and Wilma. They were both naked. Pebbles sees Fred's penis and says, "Daddy, what's that?"
and Fred says "Th-that's... um... that's daddy's rock." A little while later Pebbles looks down and sees Wilma's vagina. "What's that, mommy?" she asks. "Oh, that. That's mommy's rock grinder." All of a sudden Pebbles sits up and says, "I get it! Daddy puts his rock into mommy's rock grinder and out comes pebbles!"
A couple of years ago, visiting Britain, George W. Bush had an audience with the Queen of England.
During their meeting he asked the queen,"Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Can you give me any tips?"
"Well," the queen said, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."
Bush frowned. "How do I know the people around me really are intelligent?"
The queen took a sip of tea and replied, "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle."
The queen pushed a button on the intercom and said, "Please ask Tony Blair to join us."
Tony Blair entered and asked, "You sent for me, your Majesty?"
She smiled and said, "Tony, please answer this question. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Without a pause he answered, "That would be me."
"Very good," she said.
When President Bush returned home, he asked Dick Cheney, his vice-
president, the same question.
"Dick, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
"I'm not sure," Cheney replied. "Let me get back to you on that one."
Cheney asked all his advisors, but none could give him an answer. Finally, in the men's room, he recognized Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall.
He asked, "Colin, can you answer this question for me? Your mother and father have a child, and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Colin answered, "That's easy. It's me!"
Cheney smiled. "Thanks," he said.
Cheney rushed back to speak with the president.
"Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell."
Bush got up, stomped over to Cheney, and angrily yelled into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"
The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar. "I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?" "There is," he replied.
"Breakfast."
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v243/usascs/frogha.gif
COUPLE OF FUNNIES (NOT TO OFFEND ANYONE OK)
A guy walks into a bar with a giraffe under one arm. He walks up to the bar, places the giraffe on the floor and orders a beer. The bartender gets the guy his drink and then says, "Hey, you can't leave dat lyin' there!" The guy gives the bartender a weird look and says, "It's not a lion, it's a giraffe."
The waitress was waiting about as patiently as could be expected while the guy was slowly going over the breakfast menu. He said to the other guys in the booth, and loud enough for her to overhear, "I usually never return to a restaurant unless one of the sausages I'm served with my eggs is a match in size for my own."
The waitress gave him a disgusted look and commented,, "In that case, maybe you should be looking at the children's menu."
Little Susie was asked what she wanted most for her birthday and she declared, "A baby brother." "Sweetheart, Daddy and I would like to give you a baby brother," said her mom, "But there just isn't time before your birthday." Susie thought for a moment and replied, "Why don't you do like they do down at Daddy's factory when they want something in a hurry? Put more men on the job."
One day Pebbles Flintstone was in bed with Fred and Wilma. They were both naked. Pebbles sees Fred's penis and says, "Daddy, what's that?"
and Fred says "Th-that's... um... that's daddy's rock." A little while later Pebbles looks down and sees Wilma's vagina. "What's that, mommy?" she asks. "Oh, that. That's mommy's rock grinder." All of a sudden Pebbles sits up and says, "I get it! Daddy puts his rock into mommy's rock grinder and out comes pebbles!"
A couple of years ago, visiting Britain, George W. Bush had an audience with the Queen of England.
During their meeting he asked the queen,"Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Can you give me any tips?"
"Well," the queen said, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."
Bush frowned. "How do I know the people around me really are intelligent?"
The queen took a sip of tea and replied, "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle."
The queen pushed a button on the intercom and said, "Please ask Tony Blair to join us."
Tony Blair entered and asked, "You sent for me, your Majesty?"
She smiled and said, "Tony, please answer this question. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Without a pause he answered, "That would be me."
"Very good," she said.
When President Bush returned home, he asked Dick Cheney, his vice-
president, the same question.
"Dick, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
"I'm not sure," Cheney replied. "Let me get back to you on that one."
Cheney asked all his advisors, but none could give him an answer. Finally, in the men's room, he recognized Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall.
He asked, "Colin, can you answer this question for me? Your mother and father have a child, and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Colin answered, "That's easy. It's me!"
Cheney smiled. "Thanks," he said.
Cheney rushed back to speak with the president.
"Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell."
Bush got up, stomped over to Cheney, and angrily yelled into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"