SO Disappointed!

[sharinbo]

:( :mad: I hope this doesn't end up being a novel, but I'm so sad and angry over this, and I need to talk to my BBS family. My brothers, 14 and 16, have recently moved back in with our mother after a few years of living with hubby and I. I consider myself to be their 2nd mom, and always have. They didn't want to live with us anymore because we had rules and expected them to do chores, etc. (go figure.) Mom always believed every word they said, even when it was obviously lies. She always wanted to believe that her boys would NEVER lie to her. She has even let the 16 yr old sleep over at his girlfriend's house!! She is VERY naive. Anyway, I have been hearing rumors about my 14 yr old brother that he is smoking cigarettes, and the other night, a close friend of his took me aside and told me that he thought I should know that it was true. He was worried about my brother because my brother has high blood pressure and is on medication for it, and his friend was afraid he was going to seriously hurt himself. In the past, whenever I told my mom that something like this might be happening, she would not believe it or do anything about it, but last night, she decided to look around brother's room. Well, she found an empty cigarette package, (the exact brand that the friend had told me about), and she found the butts all over the ground outside little brothers bedroom window. She was heartbroken and decided to search 16 yr old brother's room while she was at it. It was alot worse there. He has only been here a couple of months, and she found probably 15 empty cigarette packs, 5 or 6 empty plastic cigar tubes, some with partially smoked cigars in them, a wooden box filled with cigar tobacco (loose) and a razor blade, and a recently used "bong". When he got home from work today, we confronted him. We took away his driving priveledges (except to and from work), and confiscated his keys and license. Then my friend and I went out and searched his car. We found half a carton of cigarettes in his trunk, and about twice as many empty cigarette wrappers and cigars "blunts" as we'd found in his room. We also found an empty tin that had obviously held marijuana (there was still a tiny bit in it). We found a warning ticket he received from the highway patrol for speeding that he had never told his parents about. (A warning, not an actual ticket, but STILL) We found out through interrogation that he had given and sold cigarettes to his little brother. We also found out that the assistant manager at the convenience store where he works is the person who bought the carton of cigarettes for him. My mom was in tears all night over this. They are both on 60 day lockdown and will not be seeing the sunshine much in the near future.
Now, what I want to know is...What would you do next? Would you call the law? Would you report that assistant manager? What punishment would fit these crimes? I just need advice and input right now.
Thanks.

[cpbaby]

No advice, just {{{{{{{{{{hugs************************

[sharinbo]

Thanks hon...I needed that.

[dangerousfem]

Thats a tough one... I think that I would have to seriously think about going to the supervisor about the cig thing... he should have known better..

[msmom79]

i dont think there is to much you can do.grounding will help at home,but if they want to smoke ,they will find a way.maybe they will just stop on their own,but they do have friends,and the friends will give them to them.i am a smoker,but neither one of my sons smoke,they tried it didnt like it and have never done it agian.im lucky !! best of luck to you and your mother,with the boys.((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))) ann

[MamaFairal]

well i am prolly gonna get flames bigtime for this but i am gonna tell ya'll anyways.

I am the mother of two DD's who both smoke (i never have smoked) Girls are 17 & 22
Both started smoking in early teens and say they started because of their friends smoking..
Well when oldest was 15 she got caught stealing cigs from a store....went thru all the court crap(fines she paid) still wouldnt stop smoking and stealing them...so i agreed to buy them for her(insert flames here ok)

YES i buy my 17 yo's also.....she doesnt smoke alot but still smokes...a carton last her almost 2 months.
IMHO i would rather buy them for them than have them stealing them or getting something thats laced with some drug from bumming one form someone ya know.
I pray they just wouldnt smoke but they will anyways

flame away now

[Eyore]

MamaFairal, no flames from me. I may not agree but that is your business and your doing what you feel is best. I am sure there are things I have done for my kids that people wouldn't agree with either.

I started smoking when I was in 6th grade. I got caught and they tried grounding me,making me smoke till I threw up. Nothing worked I would sneak cigs from my sister and brother-in-law they were both smokers and I lived with them. As I got older I used my lunch money to buy cigs. I don't think there is to much your going to do to stop them. Not that I am saying it is ok for them to smoke. I have 2 kids my son has never smoked he is 25, my daughter smokes she started hanging out while still in school with kids that smoked and she started. She tried to hide it from me but I knew she did and she still does but now she stopped hiding it. March 25th will be 15 years since I stopped smoking and I stopped because I wanted to not because I was made to.
The boys are at that age where they think it is cool and everyone else is doing it. It will be very hard to get them to stop.

[justme23]

I have been smoking since I was 13/14... my father did a lot of stuff to try and get me to stop... grounding, restriction from things I loved, beatings when he felt like it... they eventually got to the point where they said they would buy my cigarettes for me if I would quit smoking in their house... which was fine w/ me. I'm almost 28 and still smoke... altho, I am trying to stop.

If those boys want to smoke, nothing you do is going to stop it... and reporting the convenience guy won't do you any good either... he has to be CAUGHT in the act of selling cigarettes to a minor before they can press charges against him... anyways, I wish you luck... sometimes you have to choose your battles and this is probably one you aren't going to win... but I hope you do!

[LitWtch]

Speak to the person who sold them the smokes, and tell him if it happens again you'll report him and the store and have their license revoked.
Get the older kid in drug treatment, and the younger one if the same is going on.
If you overlook this now, they will go nowhere FAST!
Quit frankly, grounding never worked for me as a teen...

[buglebe]

Yes your boys are going to smoke regardIess of what you do.

You don't seem as concerned about the bong. AIthough I am not against marijuana, think it shouId be IegaI, but since it isn't I wouId be more concerned about that.

[Eyore]

I hung out with kids who smoked when I was in high school & with kids who didnt. I never had a desire to smoke & be like them & smoke.
My sisters & their friends were smoking when I was around 11 & I saw them doing it so I snuck one & tried it because THEY-My Sisters were doing it NOT because of friends or peer-pressure. I didnt like it so I never tried it again. Just about everyone in my family smoked.
I think its the choice of the person & needs to stop being blamed on friends,cigarette adds...etc..

I'm glad you never had the desire to smoke and your friends didn't influence you.
I started smoking when younger because my friends did it and I thought it was cool. I wasn't pushed into it it was my decision.
My daughter I have seen her change and go through all different phases because of the people she hung out with. I'll have to say it was her choice to do it.
As far as my statement above
"The boys are at that age where they think it is cool and everyone else is doing it."
All I said was they think it is cook and everyone is doing it. That doesn't imply peer pressure, that it is there choice to do it and to be like the others.
Everyone has the choice to do or not to do things. I think alot of kids do things to try to fit in. I know that is why my daughter did the things she did and I did when I was younger.
Bottom line it is the persons choice to do things. I do sometimes thing peer pressure comes into the scene sometimes but not the majority of the time.

[jedmatters]

I know here that is illegal, and I refuse to condone anything that is illegal.

A parent may not even purchase or allow a child under 18 to smoke. They will be criminally charged for it.

If it is illegal where you are, you should step up and make that comment. If you mom will not do it, then you should notify someone who will intervene.
People can not go around picking and choosing which laws to follow, or murder would be excused because someone thought the law was silly.

[VALENA-)45]

My twin brother and I started smoking when we were 12 years old, at 13 mom gave you momey to buy a pack for each of us, ( she was tired of us stealing her's). You can put your foot down, but, boys will be boys. If, they have friends that smoke they are trying to keep up with the in crowed. when the get tired they will stop smoking, until then you can punish them all you want, they will still find a way to do what they want. my twin brother quit cause he met a girl, that didn't like smoking, that was over 30 years ago.

[irrelevant0]

definitely report them. the store will get fined and he will more than likely get fired, because those fines are huge. i just started working at a convenience store, and we will get fired if we sale anything to someone underage, and we will have to pay the fine. yes, reporting him won't change anything with your brother, but he should be punished.

[cinnamonch]

You can report the person buying the cigarettes but it will be your word against theirs and once they know you are after them, they will stop buying for the boys but that will only have them more pissed at you than they already are. Not only that, the boys will find someone else to get them the cigarettes.

Why is your mom crying now? In her own way, she is as much to blame for their behavior as they are because she thought her boys were so perfect and could do no wrong.

As far as someone suggesting getting the older one into a drug program, those things dont really work either. So many people go in and out of treatment centers because they are forced to and as soon as they get out, they are back doing the same thing. Why? Because until they decide they dont want to do drugs, smoke or anything else that is harmful, they will always go back to their own ways.

[reneep45]

Well this is just part of my opinion

i think you are over re-acting

lockdown :eek:
crimes :eek:

no wonder kids rebel so much these days :(

[LitWtch]

You can report the person buying the cigarettes but it will be your word against theirs and once they know you are after them, they will stop buying for the boys but that will only have them more pissed at you than they already are. Not only that, the boys will find someone else to get them the cigarettes.

Why is your mom crying now? In her own way, she is as much to blame for their behavior as they are because she thought her boys were so perfect and could do no wrong.

As far as someone suggesting getting the older one into a drug program, those things dont really work either. So many people go in and out of treatment centers because they are forced to and as soon as they get out, they are back doing the same thing. Why? Because until they decide they dont want to do drugs, smoke or anything else that is harmful, they will always go back to their own ways.

And if you let them defeat you, then they will get no help at all and the behavior continues and worsens.
Pick and choose your battles. Personally, drugs are a battle I would choose to fight now rather than later.

[diana1096]

Pick and choose your battles. Personally, drugs are a battle I would choose to fight now rather than later.
AMEN SISTER!

[sharinbo]

Wanted to clarify that what we call lockdown is what most people consider grounding. And as far as us over reacting...well, thanks for your opinion. I guess nobody thinks smoking and marijuana use are big deal, but to us they are both serious issues. These are just the final straws in some long battles we've had with these kids lately.

[LitWtch]

I hope you can get some peace regarding this issue.

Another point to consider - is this the type of behavior you want your daughter or newborn exposed to growing up? These are two boys that are going to have a good deal of influence on them.

[silvermist]

They are really way too young to be doing this type of things and it's good you are laying down the law. What they are doing is ILLEGAL and parents should not be condoning these things to their children by buying it for them since either way it will be illegal and them being caught stealing might be a wake up call. Parents buying it for their own kids that are so youngare showing way too much lenience and you wonder what the kids will be like when they grow up.

[joni1269]

I don't think I would call the authorities, but I would go talk to the store owner. I would let him know that you WILL call the cops if you hear he is doing it again. But that is just me. He deserves whatever he gets..

Sorry about your brother - (((((HUGS))))) Hopefully this is just a phase and it will pass. I would look at this friends, and find the source. If you can get him to make new friends that don't smoke pot - maybe he will quit. Just be very observant (you should probably do it - your mom may not catch on) for signs of other drug use.

I hope everything works out for your family.

[lassss]

Well this is just part of my opinion

i think you are over re-acting

lockdown :eek:
crimes :eek:

no wonder kids rebel so much these days :(

ITA !!!

The more you tell someone not to do something, the more they do it...IMHO these kids are NOT going to quit smoking just because you feel they should..ok so they won't do it in their house...they will smoke in friends houses, before and after school, on the street..anywhere but the house..as far as the pot goes..I would definitely be upset about that ...but again nothing is going to stop these kids from smoking.....so I dunno what the answer is except make them know you will throw anything away you find in the house and they hafta keep it elsewhere, but honestly I doubt it will do any good...sorry

[justmehere]

Here's my 2 cents worth... :D

Dont ever, ever stop trying to get your kids to stop smoking.. I am a smoker of many years..am going to try really hard to stop soon...but the last thing I want to do is see one of my beautiful daughters pick up a cig and start smoking.. there is no good in smoking at all!!!!
As far as what to do with the boys.. well I would punish them big time... they seem to be forgetting one real important issue here...not repsecting their mother, or their home, and rules...I dont care if the person is over 18 yrs and considered an adult.. ya share a home with someone ya respect it.
No different if I walked into someones home.. I wouldnt whip-out a cig and start smoking i would have respect for that persons home.

Ya know it may seem that at the time the child is doing wrong, and you are at your last nerve trying to turn them around, but oneday down the road, prolly later than sooner, that child will remember, understand just what you was trying to teach them, and use what you was trying to teach them.
I know this for a fact.. I had a unruly daughter most of her teen years.. she liked to drive me and hubby nuts.. but now she is 22 years old, and I couldnt be prouder of her.. she has over came her problemss, and is a very good mommy, and works and provides for them both. so see sometimes the lessons we try and teach them do come back and can be usefull someday.

Good luck :)

[reneep45]

I can't get this thread off my mind , i'm sorry if i made anyone mad
Nobody raises kids the same , what works for some may not for others.
I have 4 grown up kids , i raised them mostly alone and did a pretty good job.
2 of them smoke and 2 of them don't , none of them ever smoked in our home when they were teens , well maybe they did , but i didn't know it. lol

I've seen alot of parents being way too stricked over minor things , then the big ones come along & the old saying comes to my mind
You can beat a dog into submission or you may beat it till it bites you
(not saying you beat them or they are dogs :) )

[dangerousfem]

I guess I think that even though it may not get them to stop.. it may be totally useless.. you HAVE TO LET YOUR KIDS KNOW WHAT YOU BELIEVE, WHAT YOUR CONVICTIONS ARE AND STICK TO THEM... if you don't believe in kids smoking... then that is what you stick to.... rather it works or not... your kids need to know what you have strong believes and that you stick to them.. they will respect that when they get older... thats just MHO

[Whitequeen39]

ITA !!!

The more you tell someone not to do something, the more they do it...IMHO these kids are NOT going to quit smoking just because you feel they should..ok so they won't do it in their house...they will smoke in friends houses, before and after school, on the street..anywhere but the house..as far as the pot goes..I would definitely be upset about that ...but again nothing is going to stop these kids from smoking.....so I dunno what the answer is except make them know you will throw anything away you find in the house and they hafta keep it elsewhere, but honestly I doubt it will do any good...sorry

This kind of attitude is all too prevalent these days and is one of the major reasons our society has degraded to the point it has...values and respect for rules are no longer taught in many homes and then when we hear about all the bad things happening in this world we shake our heads and wonder why.....this is so sad :( . Good for you Sharinbo for trying to teach those boys there are rules and consequences for their actions!

[lassss]

This kind of attitude is all too prevalent these days and is one of the major reasons our society has degraded to the point it has...values and respect for rules are no longer taught in many homes and then when we hear about all the bad things happening in this world we shake our heads and wonder why.....this is so sad :( . Good for you Sharinbo for trying to teach those boys there are rules and consequences for their actions!


I am a realist and I see things how they are.. I don't pretend there is peace in the world...there are too many overly strict parents in the world and when their kids do stuff like this..they wonder how that can happen... I have a great 13 yr old boy who I refuse to baby and be so strict that he hasta go behind my back and do things. He is respectful of others, doesn't smoke, doesn't drink, doesn't steal, is an A/B student and has fun in life..yep he watches MTV, VH1, R rated movies, goes to bed around midnight and has no problems in school...I know how I was growing up in a strict household..the more I was told no..the more I did things I wasn't suppose to do....

There are kids in the world who you can holler at, ground, take away everything from them and they will STILL defy you...now I am not saying that she should allow them to smoke freely in her house or condone her sons' actions..I am simply pointing out that if these kids want to smoke, they are gonna do it no matter what the consequence is. I suggested that the mother throw out anything she finds in the house like cigarettes, lighters, bongs etc since it is her house, but to demand they stop smoking period is really unrealistic it's like telling you can never eat food again. I have never smoked but I know how addictive it can be and nearly impossible to stop cold turkey!