Men...

[Crueheadchick]

Last night while I was in bed with my BF we were cuddled up watching TV and I said to him, "Can I ask you a somewhat off the wall question" he says UH OH. So I ask him, "Do you ever want to get Married?" He, obviously stunned, says someday. Well Im thinking thats better than never but then he says more. First he wants to know why I want to know. I said because I think I should know. Then he says "yeah one day when I'm really old I might think about getting married"!!!! Then he wont even look at me, so after a couple minutes he leaves the room. He comes back and wont look at me or talk to me. So I said do you want to go to sleep he says yeah. So I get up to go to my room (yeah we have seperate bedrooms, because we lived together before we were involved with each other) anyway so I kiss him and say goodnight, I love you, and NOTHING! No response! He almost always says I love you back to me! He still didnt look at me! So I went to my room and cried a little bit. I would bet anything that he wont want to talk about it now. That really hurt me. We have been together for awhile and all of our friends and even his family keep asking me when we are getting married. He even bought me a really nice diamond ring (promise ring, or so I thought) for Christmas. He tells me that he wants me around forever and that he really loves me. So now what do I do? I guess I just need to hear some feed back on this one.
:( :confused: :(

[freeplease]

I think he said volumes. You just didn't hear what you wanted. Time to get a new roomie.
Sometimes men just stink.

[Angelseyes28]

Thinking from his point of view there is probably no reason for him to get married since he already has all of the marriage perks. Thinking from MY point of view.....if I'm not good enough for a man to marry then I'm not good enough to be "around forever" for him. Good luck.

[schsa]

He doesn't want to marry you. If he did he would have said so. The ring is a nice idea but if you were the one it would have been an engagement ring and not a promise ring.

Time to seriously think about what you want. If you want to be married, then this is not the right man. If you don't mind living with someone without the paper then you have all that he is willing to give.

[lassss]

that is one question ya never ask a man..if he has intentions on getting married...you'd have the ring and the wedding date set. If you are happy with him then let it be as it is.

Guys are simple creatures...eat, sleep, sex and it depends on the mood which order that goes in. We as women are so different, we want to know who, what, where, when and WHY???? We tend to make mountains outta molehills and overreact at times....he prolly felt pressured into thinking you want to get married right this minute...thus he pulled away...let it go for now and if you really feel the need to have that piece of paper..you might want to find someone else as he is just not ready

[chasity43]

I've been with my BF for almost 4 years now. People are always asking when are we getting married. BF says he's never getting married. He also doesn't want kids. Fine by me, I have kids, they live with their dad (my ex-husband). Our relationship works for both of us. I've been married, didn't like it, he's watched his parents with a not very good marriage, so I don't blame him. I wouldn't mind some kind of commitment beyond being "just his GF", but I understand. We love each other and want to be together. We have every thing a marriage would have. We live together, we sleep together, we go out together, we have a lot of the same friends, we also have our arguments like married people. I say as long as your happy where you are you're fine. But if you're crying because of this relationship, you need to talk to him. Maybe you asking him, and everyone else always asking when you're going to get married, he might be feeling pressure and he's just not ready yet. Sit down, talk about it, see exactly how he feels.

[iluvmybaby]

Guys are simple creatures...eat, sleep, sex and it depends on the mood which order that goes in. We as women are so different, we want to know who, what, where, when and WHY????

Women are different because we use our brains that are located in our heads, and men....they tend to think with what is in between thier legs. Lass is right, they think eat, sleep, sex, and then repeat, sometimes they try to combine it at the SAME time :p
I my opinion, if it is work a hill of beans, he does not want to marry you, but if you are happy in the relationship with being life in friends with benefits, why not enjoy it? If you are dissatisifed, then it is time to move on, either way the descision is yours

[mistressB]

my SIL was with her guy for 4 years before he finally married her. my guy on the otherhand asked me to marry him just after 2 months of dating. he couldn't wait to get married and start a family. it all just depends on the guy.

[Ga-PEACH]

Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free!!?? So true, if you like feeling this way, which from your post it is clear that you do want something more than a roomate to sleep with, then you need to move out and move on. There are many fish in the sea and when you meet the right one, believe me you will know it.

[cole70]

Ditto what GA-Peach said!!!!!

My ex BF and I were dating for almost 3 yrs and living together. One day I just asked him if he wanted to get married. Took him by suprise but he then said "I dont think you are the right person for me!" Well at least he was honest!!!!!!!!! A month later I started dating the guy who is now my DH who told me that he wanted to marry me after our first phone conversation!!!!!!!!! (we've been happily married for 11 yrs now)

The right guy will come along and you will know it for sure. You wont even have to ask that question!

HUGS!

Cole

[irrelevant0]

my SIL was with her guy for 4 years before he finally married her. my guy on the otherhand asked me to marry him just after 2 months of dating. he couldn't wait to get married and start a family. it all just depends on the guy.

my most recent ex asked me after 2 months too, we didn't work out.


i agree, never ask a man that. why did you ask anyway? it's not friend's or family members' business, don't let them mess things up.

[LazyTimeGirl]

I agree with the others - why buy the cow when you are getting the milk for free. It sounds like it might be time to get a new boyfriend. Also how old are you and how long have you two been dating?

[mlayton1994]

I lived with my dh for 9mths before I got married but, the difference was we were already engaged when we began to live together. The ironic thing is that we had only dated 3mths before he asked me.

Of coarse a lot has to do with how long you have been dating him. MY dh was ready to settle down and get married and so was I.

Keep us posted . ((hugs)). do what is right for you.

[buglebe]

My neighbor across the street was 28 and had been living with her boyfriend for 4 years in HER house. He didn't want to get married. She felt her time clock was running. She wanted a family. So she got a date. After she went on one date, the guy she was living with decided it was time to get married.
She said if only she had known she would have sure dated someone else sooner. And on top of that, he acted like it was his idea to get married. Of course it didn't have to turn out that way, he coud have called her bluff. But they are married now and have 2 children. :)

[annie169]

Hey, I'm married to the "Eternal Bachlor who would never have kids of his own"....or at least thats what he said for almost 4 years. We will celebrate 6 years of marriage in April and we have a beautiful daughter who is 5 years old and our son, who is almost 11. He is my hubby's "stepson" but we don't say that. (the sperm donor hasn't seen him since he was 2).

Just hold on. Sometimes its best to be best friend first....as we discovered!! :D

[Freebeemom]

"that is one question ya never ask a man..if he has intentions on getting married...you'd have the ring and the wedding date set. If you are happy with him then let it be as it is."


See, Now I TOTALLY disagree. Why not just discuss it...see, you asked....and You found out the truth..instead of HANGING On forever to sit and wait. Sorry, but this is either poop or get off the pot! You are giving him what he needs now...he is comfy...he doestn' want this to change. Personally, I would go...and I have...and found what I wanted in someone else...who also found it in me.

[freebielover]

Another thought, he may be planning on asking you eventually, I don't know what kind of guy he is but my best guy friend is planning on proposing and he has spent 6 months to make it perfect. Whenever she mentions marriage he gets cranky because he doesn't want her to ruin the surprise. I have NO idea if this is the case here, but it is a possibility. I got engaged after 5 months and I couldn't be happier, I hope everything works out for you!

[Crueheadchick]

He is 28. He tells me how much he loves me and that he wants me forever and he has even told me that it took him awhile to find the right person but he is glad he has me now. He has even talked about kids before. Thats what I dont get that he would talk about kids before getting married? We have know each other for like 13 years, lived together for 6 and been offically bf and gf for a year and a half. And in many ways it is like we are married, we just dont have the rings and papers. SO thats what messes me up, that he loves me so much and wants to spend his life with me but isnt sure about getting married to me. And so today he is just treating me like normal, like I never said it. I know it put him on the spot but what was I supposed to do, never know! I even told him "its not like I want to do it right now, I just needed to know". I dont know how I can bring it back up and actually get him to talk about it. And He can be such a smart@$$ that for all I know he could have been joking when he said "someday when I'm old". And maybe he was waiting for the right moment to ask me and I jumped the gun. Boy that would be nice :) OH well, I shall see.

[mistressB]

my grandma and my grandpa (he's my mom's stepdad) have been together for 40 years and had 2 children together and they never got married. i know that she wanted to, but he didn't. i think she finally gave up after awhile.

[Kyla Kym]

my grandma and my grandpa (he's my mom's stepdad) have been together for 40 years and had 2 children together and they never got married. i know that she wanted to, but he didn't. i think she finally gave up after awhile.


Does their state recognize common law marriages?


States That Recognize Common Law Marriage

Alabama
Colorado
District of Columbia
Georgia (if created before 1/97)
Idaho (if created before 1/96)
Iowa
Kansas
Montana
New Hampshire (for inheritance purposes only)
Ohio (if created before 10/91)
Oklahoma
Pennsylvania (if created before 9/03)
Rhode Island
South Carolina
Texas
Utah

[mistressB]

hmm, i guess not, but she did take his last name and does all his banking and stuff for him since he never leaves the house. don't ask me how that got worked out. maybe at one time oregon recognized common law marriage. or maybe it's because they lived 40 years in a super tiny town and everyone knew everyone.

[JANBAB]

I would sit him down and tell him that neither one of you is getting any younger, you are not trying to freak him out, but you would just like to know if you two have a serious future, which would, someday, include marriage. and if marriage is not in your future, then you are going to start seeing other people. Lay it all out on the table for him and see where it goes. Or, if he won't talk about it, write him a letter for him to read.

[lassss]

I would sit him down and tell him that neither one of you is getting any younger, you are not trying to freak him out, but you would just like to know if you two have a serious future, which would, someday, include marriage. and if marriage is not in your future, then you are going to start seeing other people. Lay it all out on the table for him and see where it goes. Or, if he won't talk about it, write him a letter for him to read.

I kinda disagree..I think she pushed the envelope once and if she brings it up again..it's really gonna push him out the door completely...it sounds like borderline nagging....when are we gonna get married? do you want to get married? why won't you discuss it? why don't you wanna talk about it???? etc etc...she got her answer , why keep asking? :confused:

[Crueheadchick]

I kinda agree with you JANBAB I just have to sit down and say hey I need to know what is in store for our future? I just have a hard time with stuff like this. I know how I asked him was definatly NOT something he expected but he has had almost 2 whole days to think about it so give me strength cause Im going to have to talk to him tonight.

[mlayton1994]

((hugs))

[latestdish]

*hugs and tears with you* I honestly believe he is doing you a weird favor:
you won't waste the rest of your life with him, or have a miserable marriage where you find out years later you made a mistake. I've been there twice now. Hoping to spare someone my incredible pain. -Joy

[JANBAB]

Good luck to you Crue! I hope it comes out the way you want. hugs to ya!

[buglebe]

Another thought, he may be planning on asking you eventually, I don't know what kind of guy he is but my best guy friend is planning on proposing and he has spent 6 months to make it perfect. Whenever she mentions marriage he gets cranky because he doesn't want her to ruin the surprise. I have NO idea if this is the case here, but it is a possibility. I got engaged after 5 months and I couldn't be happier, I hope everything works out for you!

LOL, my son did that. He bought the ring, his girlfriend found the receipt, he still denied his intentions. She didn't tell him she found the receipt but she was waiting for the moment. He planned a romantic dinner with music and catered dinner on top of his loft over the city.
It still didn't happen. Then he planned a
romantic trip to Florida, wanted all to be perfect, carried the ring all around on the beach in his pocket!!, came home still not engaged. By then she was totally baffled. Her father and I were the only ones who knew about the ring and we were baffled too. He said nothing felt like the right moment
and gave her the ring after cutting the grass and all dressed in his yard clothes with a bandana wrapped around his head. He said none of the plans he went for in Florida went the way he wanted and it didn't feel right. They have been married nearly 2 yrs. At least she was surprised when she finally got it.

[Crueheadchick]

OK
So last night we were cuddled up on the couch and I ask him, "Did I freak you out the other night?", well he says no, but he started talking about something else. So I thought ok I will wait a little bit. So he gets up to go to bed later and Im like no way am I going to sleep without some kind of answer. So I go into his room, trust me that took alot, and I said why dont we ever talk about the future? He says I dont know, what do you want to know. I said I was confused about the other night. I said I want to know what you want from me. Well it wasnt easy for him to talk about it but I finally got this out of him. He says he doesnt like to make plans for the future because ever time he has they have just turned to crap. I could tell that by the way he was talking that he was kinda sad. He said he does want to get married to me someday. I told him I didnt mean right now, just someday too. He told me he does love me and wants to be with me. He is afraid that I might leave him and he doesnt want to get hurt. So after saying I will marry you someday, again, I decided I would go to bed. He also brought up some stuff about money. I think if he had more it wouldnt concern him so much. So lets hope his Someday isnt more than a couple years. Now that its all out there I think we will be able to discuss OUR future together. :)

[evrita]

I think some days people are in a big hurry to get married.I am not sure to this day if I wouldve gotten married. I put my hubby off for 4 years.I know in my family I had seen so many divorces it was like why bother less messy just living together.

[joni1269]

Obviously you love him, just be patient. You probably freaked him out with your question. JMHO, you never ask a man that particular question. He may change his mind later. DH and I lived together for 5 years, and had two children before we got married. I know most people think that is wrong, but we waited until we were ready. We have been married 8 years (Valentine's Day) and we are very very very very happy. So there is hope for the commitment hatin' guy!

[SmucknFart]

that is one question ya never ask a man..if he has intentions on getting married...you'd have the ring and the wedding date set. If you are happy with him then let it be as it is.

Guys are simple creatures...eat, sleep, sex and it depends on the mood which order that goes in. We as women are so different, we want to know who, what, where, when and WHY???? We tend to make mountains outta molehills and overreact at times....he prolly felt pressured into thinking you want to get married right this minute...thus he pulled away...let it go for now and if you really feel the need to have that piece of paper..you might want to find someone else as he is just not ready

I agree 100%. He's probably got shell-shock! LOL. Men think totally different than women.

[lassss]

Obviously you love him, just be patient. You probably freaked him out with your question. JMHO, you never ask a man that particular question. He may change his mind later. DH and I lived together for 5 years, and had two children before we got married. I know most people think that is wrong, but we waited until we were ready. We have been married 8 years (Valentine's Day) and we are very very very very happy. So there is hope for the commitment hatin' guy!


ITA ....it's obvious he is not ready to get married at this point in time and when he is, you'll know :D ...be patient and don't keep bringing it up ;)

[kygirl71]

I am on my second marriage and I can only say..Marriage is not always what its cracked up to be. Me and DH #1 , lived together 9 years before we got married. It seemed like once we said "I do" things just went to pieces. We only survived 4 years after that.
DH # 2 is a wonderful man and I love him to peices. But we are having a few problems that are stemming from his Marriage # 1. I know I am his # 2 wife but I refuse to be # 2 in this LIFE right now. And believe me there is a difference.
I agree with some of the others. If you can deal with all the perks of marriage without the paper then just let it go. If not, you might have to move on. My DH 2 always said he'd never remarry or have more kids cause his first marriage was so horrible. But he eventually changed his mind now he has another wife and a 8 month old baby girl.
Men are something we will never understand.