What should I do?

[tiffya]

Okay, I realize I am new here but I have a problem and I have No One I feel like I can talk to about this.

Today I found out that my husband called some girl that emails him all the time. ( Now normally I wouldn't worry except I was snooping in his email looking for the tracking number for one of our kids presents) The reason I worry is this girl has sent him pictures (nothing exciting or naughty thank heavens), and calls him "sexy" when she emails him (hey sexy whats up and stuff like that). I asked him about her once when she sent pictures and he told me that she was just some girl he knew from when he lived in Florida several years ago and that she is really nerdy and has no friends.

The question is....should I be upset? Because I am flipping out right now. My ex husband cheated on me and I am terrified of being cheated on again. What should I do?

Please help!

[diana1096]

Why not just ask him? If you can't trust your spouse maybe you should be thinking twice about it?
My first marriage was bad all the way around. I never knew when he was lying or telling the truth. Finally I told him he was fired and I would find someone else to do his job. Someone who would do it better and without all the BS...lol
I've been married to my hubby (#2) now for 9 years. I still have a problem trusting him & he is nothing like husband #1.

Why not just tell him you feel very uncomfortable with him having contact with this person & ask him to stop communcating with her. If you come first, he will agree and mean it. If for some reason you still find him "communcating" with her then you'll have to make a choice of what to do.
JMHO, Diana

[mistressB]

well if they've been friends for a long time, then her calling him sexy could be a term of endearment. i'm assuming you guys don't live in florida, so it's not like he's going to be out meeting her. it's really crappy that your first husband cheated on you but you can't take that out on him. you've been married for years and i hope he hasn't done anything to break your trust. i really hope you don't plan on snooping through his emails because that might cause some big problems between the two of you. the only thing that i can say is to talk to him about how you are feeling.

[gwens29]

MY DH HAS A few online female friends i dont mind... he calls one of them every few months and he is always open about it and tells me all about them and what is going on lol i dont feel jealous or anything and besides they are hundreds of miles away ..i wouldnt worry to much but i would continue to make sure it isnt a online romance .. i have af ew male friends i email too and he is cool with that ..i dont call them though lol

gwen

[jedmatters]

Okay, I realize I am new here but I have a problem and I have No One I feel like I can talk to about this.

Today I found out that my husband called some girl that emails him all the time. ( Now normally I wouldn't worry except I was snooping in his email looking for the tracking number for one of our kids presents) The reason I worry is this girl has sent him pictures (nothing exciting or naughty thank heavens), and calls him "sexy" when she emails him (hey sexy whats up and stuff like that).


Ok, you admit to be snooping. Looking for tracking numberss does not mean reading every email that has nothing to do with tracking numbes or is not from the place sending the gifts.
You need to think of why you feel the need to snoop through his email.

As for for the anger, why? Over an email from a friend? Or that you are afraid he will find out you can not be trusted yourself? You went throgh his email without a reason. That is wrong.

And, my husband has plenty of female friends that call him sexy. I find it a compliment to me. After all, he is MINE.

[schsa]

Does he e-mail back? If so, he needs to tell her that he doesn't want to hear from her any more. If she is friendless then she needs to go out and find some friends. There are platonic relationships between men and women but my concern is that he didn't bother to tell you about it. Maybe he didn't think it was important but it is.

[justme23]

Well... you've already snooped once... and even tho two wrongs don't make a right, I say go back in there and look through his sent emails and see what he's saying to her... if he's not emailing her back or if he's not doing anything wrong then just drop it before things get worse... but on the other hand, if he is doing wrong, you'll actually know.

[PrincessArky]

I say go with your gut............it always knows if you should keep on looking

[mistressB]

ultimatums are only going to make him angry. sure you are his wife, but if you tell him that he can't talk to some girl online that he's known for years you are going to do something very unhealthy to your relationship. you can't cage him up like that, you will only make him resent you. i could see if his friendship was posing some risk to your relationship, but by your description of the situation it sounds innocent.

you admit that you have some serious trust issues, i would recommend seeking help on that, no relationship you will ever be in will be healthy if you don't learn to trust. the way i look at it, if you can either trust him or not, either way a person could stray, no ammount of distrust will ever prevent that. why waste your time and harm a good relationship?

[Thawn]

There is nothing wrong with looking through your husband's email. & he should have access to yours if he wants it. I am always checking what's in my husbands email-see if anything interesting is there from people we know. He knows it & could care less.
He doesn't email women who call him sexy. No-he is a married man. There is nothing wrong with emailing friends man or woman but when a women calls him sexy-sounds like it's getting that flirtatious edge. Ask him to drop her off the email list & no phone calls.

[SAHMom]

There is nothing wrong with looking through your husband's email. & he should have access to yours if he wants it. I am always checking what's in my husbands email-see if anything interesting is there from people we know. He knows it & could care less.
He doesn't email women who call him sexy. No-he is a married man. There is nothing wrong with emailing friends man or woman but when a women calls him sexy-sounds like it's getting that flirtatious edge. Ask him to drop her off the email list & no phone calls.


I couldn't agree more! When you get married you are united as "one". There should be no secrets kept from each other. I hide nothing from my DH and he hides nothing from me. If I feel like it i will go in his wallet. If a husband has something to hide he shouldn't be doing it in the first place. If the emails are there read them.....if he doesnt want them to be seen he should delete them.

[mistressB]

so you guys never want to have a private conversation that you don't want your husband knowing about? you don't go off telling your gf's personal information about your relationship that your man doesn't know you are sharing? you never discuss secret gift ideas with friends? sorry, but i think everyone, even married people need a private life.

[SAHMom]

so you guys never want to have a private conversation that you don't want your husband knowing about? you don't go off telling your gf's personal information about your relationship that your man doesn't know you are sharing? you never discuss secret gift ideas with friends? sorry, but i think everyone, even married people need a private life.


Any conversation I have my DH can listen in on. I don't share personal information about my relationship because it is "personal" ( between DH and I) and I agree, married people do need a private life.....in the bedroom.

[mjlewis23]

Married people do need a personal life as well, you are right about that, however, he should not be tolerating someone calling him "sexy", and neither should she. Those type of comments have something behind them that is not so innocent. I think she has every right to be upset and she should tell her husband that it bothered her. I have never once called any of my guy friends "sexy", and I have quite a few guy friends. There is probably nothing to it on the husbands part except him eating it up, but still, I would be mad too.

Michelle

[Thawn]

so you guys never want to have a private conversation that you don't want your husband knowing about? you don't go off telling your gf's personal information about your relationship that your man doesn't know you are sharing? you never discuss secret gift ideas with friends? sorry, but i think everyone, even married people need a private life.

No, I don't have a conversation with a member of the opposite sex I do not want my husband to know about.

[mistressB]

i didn't say opposite sex, i said friends and gf's (girl friends). i think most people here have gf's that they talk to, and i'm sure a lot of them talk about things they do not talk about with their men.

[Urban Cowgirl]

IMO its not appropriate for a married man to carry on a relationship with a woman who refers to him as "sexy". Platonic or not.......you should be the only woman calling your hubby pet names.

[FreeBnutt]

Well, I agree check to see what kind of e-mails he sends her just to give peace to your mind.

BUT on the other hand, I've known this guy since high school, and after graduation I just started calling him 'sexy', why I don't know, and it's 25+ years later and when I see him I still say hi "sexy", even when he has his family with him. To tell you the truth I can't remember his real first name... lol I've called him sexy for sooooo long, and he only lived 4 houses down the road from me.

[jedmatters]

My husband's best friend is a lady, and my best friend is a man. And yes, I do think he is attractive, and have said so. But he is a friend, and never anything more. We have been friends for 35 years, and never once felt the need to carry it any further. My hsband's best friend calls him sexy and cutey pie all the time. I have to agree with her. HE IS. But I have no reason to doubt his faithfulness, and would not stoop to snooping on him.

Your past is YOUR past, not his. Stop trying to find fault in someone else when they have done wrong (snooping). I think you are trying to say you should snoop more, and just need a reason.

[pjackson]

hI I did not read all the post of what people said to you, and i am not and have not been married. But I am in a situation like that. One of my close friends is a guy he now live with his girl friend and two kids. I no longer call his home because I do not want to disrespect her, even though his girlfriend has not taken out the chance to get to know me, even though I took her around to some place while she was pregant. What I am trying to say is maybe since your husband says she is a friend you should in some way get to know her. One reason is I rather keep my foes close to me.That way you can watch her and take in to concederation how they act towards each other.Good luck not matter what you do. Also I am not sure of your religious background you also might want to try praying for a solution. :)

[Thawn]

i didn't say opposite sex, i said friends and gf's (girl friends). i think most people here have gf's that they talk to, and i'm sure a lot of them talk about things they do not talk about with their men.
But that is not what Tiffya said. Tiffya is talking about a member of the opposite sex. I wanted to reassure her that personally I don't feel reading your husband's emails would be considered snooping. It should be honest & open. She should be able to comment to her husband about it with out feeling it was snooping. He should be aware that she will look now & then. I think pjackson had a great comment to make the girl a mutual friend.

[tough123]

Snooping is wrong. Period. No matter what. People need their own personal space, even when they are married.

I have, several times, heard my hubby called sexy, cutie, gorgeous, and what have you. And I am standing right there. I just smile and say "Isn't he though?" Really, honestly, if this is the only thing you have to worry about with him, then stop worrying. You will only succeed in hurting yourself and your DH.

[mistressB]

But that is not what Tiffya said. Tiffya is talking about a member of the opposite sex. I wanted to reassure her that personally I don't feel reading your husband's emails would be considered snooping. It should be honest & open. She should be able to comment to her husband about it with out feeling it was snooping. He should be aware that she will look now & then. I think pjackson had a great comment to make the girl a mutual friend.


i was referring to this part of a post: couldn't agree more! When you get married you are united as "one". There should be no secrets kept from each other

i think even married people need a personal life. it's not healthy to not have relationship outside of the marriage. sometimes a wife needs to vent about their husband and vice versa, i know many of the women here say things about their spouses that would make them cringe. and i think snooping is wrong. there probably isn't anything there to worry about but i would be highly offended if my man felt the need to check up on me.

[tiffya]

I want to thank you all for being so helpful. I feel really horrible that my self esteem is this low. Maybe it is just because I am pregnant with baby #3 and feel less than desirable! I shouldn't have looked at any of his mail except the UPS one but when I saw the one from a girl named Teresa and the title was "Is your phone not working?" I freaked.

Thanks to whoever told me I should go to counseling. I love my husband dearly and don't want my marriage ruined because I am insecure. I have had trust issues all my life and I think that at 29 years old maybe it's time to work on them.

Again I appreciate your advice! It is nice to be able to vent somewhere and not be judged. It is also nice to know that I won't have to worry about one friend telling all of our other friends my problems. I have been through that before and that is why I choose not to talk to my "Friends" about anything to do with my marriage. ;)

[mistressB]

yeah, as much good as friends are they often hand out bad advise because they are involved too much, sometimes it's better to go to an impartial party.

[Thawn]

Hey Tiffya, Happy Birthday! I hope your husband does something real nice tonight for you. What a shame to get upset on your birthday. Sometimes birthdays can get you edgy and depressed instead of happy because our expectations aren't met. I hope you take time for yourself...long bubblebath, glass of wine. Happy Birthday!

[mistressB]

how about a glass of sparkling cider for the mommy to be. when are you due hun?

[Thawn]

Sorry-no wine for you. Congrats on the pregnancy.

[inparadise]

IMO I think it's unacceptable calling another person's husband or wife "sexy". If it bothers you that another woman is calling your man sexy and he isn't letting you know that another female is even emailing him then it's wrong. You have every right to feel upset.

[lassss]

IMO I think it's unacceptable calling another person's husband or wife "sexy". If it bothers you that another woman is calling your man sexy and he isn't letting you know that another female is even emailing him then it's wrong. You have every right to feel upset.

ITA ...imo..this went from net to phone...and I still stand behind my theory that if you can't do something in front of your spouse, don't do it behind their back. Of course people can have friends of the opposite sex but it seems that this man is hiding something simply because he is communicating with another woman without his wife's knowledge

[justme23]

ITA ...imo..this went from net to phone...and I still stand behind my theory that if you can't do something in front of your spouse, don't do it behind their back. Of course people can have friends of the opposite sex but it seems that this man is hiding something simply because he is communicating with another woman without his wife's knowledge

I agree completely... I understand there are some ppl in the world who are very secretive and that's just how they are and their spouses have to deal w/ it or go elsewhere... but I was raised that when you get married you become one and that there are NO secrets (now of course we aren't talking about griping over an arguement w/ a girlfriend or sharing a special gift you might have bought for hubby). "Privacy" is for single ppl as far as I'm concerned... and while there are a few ladies I wouldn't mind (because I know and trust them) calling my hubby sexy, I would NOT find it appropriate for ANY woman I did not know to say things about a man knowing he is married and that should their wife see it THEY would take it wrong... there's too many ppl in this world who only think of 'me' when if they truely valued others as friends, they would respect their spouses as well and consider how saying such things would make THEM feel.

[tiffya]

I talked to my husband last night. I told him what happened and how I came to find out this girl was emailing him. I explained to him that I don't care if he has friends that are girls but that they need to be respectful of the fact that he is a married man and father of soon to be 3. He does have one girl friend that calls once in a while and always talks to me or asks about me and the kids. I told him that I don't mind a friendship like that but that someone calling him sexy is just not okay with me.

When I explained it in a way that made it very clear that I don't think he is cheating on me I just don't find the situation appropriate, he was very responsive. I know he worries about being judged unfairly for what my ex husband did to me and I wanted him to know that is not what I am trying to do. He told me that he was going to tell this girl that the way she was talking to him makes him uncomfortable and if she doesn't respect it he won't talk to her anymore. She was a good friend of his when he lived in Florida years and years ago and he helped her when she went on a diet and lost over 100 pounds. I personally think she feels more for him then she tells him but that is just my opinion!

Anyway just wanted to let everyone know that we have come to a solution that both of us are okay with.

By the way I am due May 19th! Such fun now that the baby is wiggling around!!! And I did have a great birthday, Thanks! I got to go out for an awesome steak dinner!!! Yum :D

[frickafrac]

glad you worked it all out. i've seen that you've gotten a lot of bad advice on here. i.e read his emails, married people don't need a personal life, he shouldn't have friends of the opposite sex ect. i think to follow any of that prehistoric advice will only get you in trouble.

[wubbywa]

I understand the trust issues--once it is broken it is hard to trust again. My first husband was a compulsive liar and cheater. He walked out but I tried to work on things because I was insecure, finally I ended everything 8 years ago today. I now am married to a wonderful man and it took some time with trust but, before we got married those issues were not a problem anymore. I also wanted to say that when someone is cheating they will never say that they are great looking, or that they live nearby. I learned that one and the other was" she's married why would either of us cheat".

[tiffya]

I agree 100 percent. These are the kind of things my ex used to say to me. However my husband showed me pictures of her and she isn't an attractive girl. Not that that means anything. The girl my ex left me for was ugly as sin and I was pretty shocked. I don't consider myself to be ugly so I really felt burned.

A funny thing happened this year, I watched Oprah and she was talking to Halle Berry about how Halle's husband had cheated multiple times. I suddenly realized that cheating usually has nothing to do with looks...its all about variety I guess.

Either way I am giving my hubby the benefit of the doubt this time. I am sick of not being able to trust people. So I am trusting him and God help his soul if he screws me over!
;)