I am in a situation I don't like

[buglebe]

I have 2 young friends. One is like my son, and the other is his wife. He is 31 and she is 44. Yes there is too big of an age difference. They have been married 7 yrs. He left her a week ago and moved back home with his mom. He calls me everyday wanting to talk and wanting advice. In the past 7 years he has probably left her 10 times or more. She is part of a religious group that he does not agree with but she has been in it since they met. That is part of the problem but not all of it. When they married she had 2 teenage children and now there are THREE more babies. Theirs. I mean 3 babies 5,3,and 1, of course life is stressful. He will be happy for a while, but the majority of the time he is miserable. I think enough is enough and I have told him this. But the problem, she called me tonight and wants to confide in me. I felt so two faced!! I don't want to be in the middle. I acted like I didn't know he had left and gone to his mothers. I played so dumb about everything and then she started confiding in me. I don't want to hear it. I think of him as my son. He calls me mom but tonight she said you know I don't have a mom and you are my mom too. She knows where he is so I am not keeping anything from her, he came by her house today and wanted to visit the children but she ran him off. I honestly can see both sides of it. But I just always thought she was too old for him anyway and I thought she kept having babies as a way to keep him. I want to tell her I want to be there for my "son" but that doesn't mean I think he is right or she is wrong. But I just sat there like a dummy and listened. How do I do this? Or do I just listen to both. I do not intend to share info from one to the other. He needs me more. He has medical problems due to stress.

[MsLynn]

there is no need to feel two faced, just be honest about it. tell them that you will glad to listen to both of them. but you won't betray any confidences unless someones saftey is an issue. that way they both know the other is talking to you, but let them know up front you mean business when you say you WILL NOT be pumped for information about the other.

anyway thats how I would handle it.

[queenangie]

I do not know the entire situation
but,
IMO - unless there is some threat of physical abuse, sexual abuse, or the like;
can't these two just keep their lives together and happy until after Christmas
for the sake of the 3 young children?

It is only 12 days until Christmas and this time of year is for children.

[fatesfaery]

I'd tell them both that you feel like you're too close to the situation to be a confidant to either of them without causing hurt feelings.

[Chiizii]

I'd tell them both that you feel like you're too close to the situation to be a confidant to either of them without causing hurt feelings.

I agree.

But I don't agree with the comment on the age difference. I know many couples who have 12 to 14 year age difference and it doesn't affect their marriage at all. They have terrific relationships. Marriage is hard work no matter what the age difference.

[MtyAphrdti]

vineyard?

[janelle]

Why don't you try to encourage them to get marriage counseling. If she is part of a church they may have counseling there but he may want someone who is independent of the church so he will have a clean slate to work with.

You are not a counselor and remind them of that. They need an objective party to talk to. Someone who can tell them how to figure out how to solve their problems.

Him running home to his mother tells me he may not be mature enough for the responsibilities of marriage. In that case he needs help to grow up some. If he can't deal with stress a counselor can help him there as well. He needs to talk but to someone who can give him ideas on what to work on. It's nice to vent but they both need more right now. Their kids are depending on them.

[Freebeemom]

I do not know the entire situation
but,
IMO - unless there is some threat of physical abuse, sexual abuse, or the like;
can't these two just keep their lives together and happy until after Christmas
for the sake of the 3 young children?

It is only 12 days until Christmas and this time of year is for children.

THis is not always the best for the children. My parents attempted to do this and it was horriable.

[justme23]

Well... I fail to see the big deal in age difference... they are in their 30s and 40s, not in their teens and 20s... so they are not doing anything wrong... beyond that, medical problems due to stress UNLESS she is abusing him is not a good enough reason, in my opinion, for him to need you more since (based only what you've said here) HE is the one in the wrong and has left his children and their mother to fend for themselves for atleast the 10th time. But on the other hand, she keeps letting him come back, so she is not a total victim herself.

I wouldn't want to be in your situation either, but I wouldn't hold anything back from him either... he either wants his family or he doesn't, he needs to make up his mind and quit putting his children through this... whether she should or shouldn't have continued to have children is really not your concern since he was a willing participant, so I think you should just tell him straight out to either go home or not but to quit making everyone deal w/ it... he is being selfish and stress just isn't a good enough excuse when he has children that need to be put before his own needs...

[lassss]

Tell them they are equally important to you as friends but you will not be put in the middle of this situation..if they are true friends they will understand and respect you.

[schsa]

I agree with Lasss. You are being put in a position by both of them where as they confide in you they will in some way ask you to start taking sides. The best thing to do is to tell each of them that you love them but you cannot be put in the position of counsellor. That they need to find a professional marriage counsellor and decide what they want to do.

I don't think it's the age thing as much as some relationships just don't work out. He has an obligation to his children to be sure they feel secure. She has the same. But this needs to be worked out in a controlled enviroment with a professional offering guidence.

[Willow]

He has been married to this woman for seven years and has had three children with her and he is running home to mommy. It sounds like he needs to grow up. He knew about his wife's religion before he married her. It sounds like he doesn't like all of the responsibility he has but he helped create those children. I would let them both know that I didn't want to be in the middle.