I just dont get it

[Out2Lunch]

I have had ongoing problems with my mom for years now. Well, a little over a year ago things hit the fan if ya know what I mean and I haven't spoken to her since. In my eyes, she did some unforgiveable things and I wrote her a letter saying so. Now, fast forward to about March of this year. I e-mailed my BIL and we have kept in contact ever since. Well, he forwarded an e-mail I sent him to my mom with my DD's pic in it and she wanted to e-mail me. I actually had my DH read the e-mail she sent because I didn't want anymore heartache. It was short and nice, but TOTALLY IGNORES everything we have issues about. I have had the e-mail in my in-box now for almost a month. I have been debating whether or not I wanted to even go there. I finally e-mailed her saying that just because she choses to ignore things that happened doesn't make them go away.

She wants me act like nothing ever happened and move on and be friendly again. I just dont get it...I dont work that way. I cant forget the things she has done. I want her to say she was wrong and even if I CAN find it in my heart to forgive her....as long as she is with her husband I can't have ANYTHING to do with her....for my kids sake.

I'm sorry...I needed to get that out...prolly doesn't make sense....

[PrncsNYC]

I would go with your instincts. Is sounds like you have good reason for sticking to your guns.

(hugs)

[Shann]

{{{{hugs}}}} I agree with PrncsNYC... I hope things get better for you, but you are the one that needs to be happy, so whatever choice you chose will be the best one for you. :) good luck

[Kyla Kym]

It might would help if we knew what you are so mad at your mom about. Because I'm sitting here thinking to myself, that nothing my mother could do would be beyond forgiving her for (short of killing my son or my dad) other than that I think I could forgive her for anything. You only get one mom, and life is to short to hold grudges against your immediate family. Especially if they are trying to still be in your life. It might be a different story if she is being evil to you and doesn't want you back in her life. But from the sound of it, she does want her daughter back in her life. My mom has did some horrible things to me in the past, she has even tried to kill me on a few occasions. But I know her thinking wasn't right then..

So please forgive me when I can't think of reason why you shouldn't just forgive and forget. I guess it would help if I knew the reason, so please over look my post if you think it's a worthy reason to waste years being mad at your mom, when you could be spending those years enjoying your time together.

P.S. there is something else to consider, is it worth holding a grudge against her for your children's sake? I mean I know most of my best childhood memories are with my grandparents, as with my son. I would hate to know I had taken those memories away from my son if I had of decided to hold a grudge against my mother.

[Out2Lunch]

Thank you all for responding! I really appreciate the different points of view.

Kyle Kym....In response to your post...I could go on for days about things she has done. And to be honest I would be willing to forgive ALL of them, if she would just take responsibility for them. That's it, I want her to recognize what she has done. But the one thing I CANNOT let go of is that her husband groped me one night. I told her about it and she choses to ignore it. I don't want my children around that man...EVER! While I could possibly forgive her, how can we have any type of relationship with what he has done....

Maybe that helps a little. I'd love to hear what you have in response as it's always good to get a diff. point of view...

Ps...I met my grandparents(dad's parents) only about 6 years ago because of a grudge type thing...so I totally know what you are saying.

[caides_mom]

maybe you should try to set limits with her
i'd just hate for something to happen and you still be carry'en this in your heart.

but i'm with you my kids would not be around that man and neither would i. that would be one of my limits, no contact with him.

[Kyla Kym]

While I could possibly forgive her, how can we have any type of relationship with what he has done....

Maybe that helps a little. I'd love to hear what you have in response as it's always good to get a diff. point of view...


Well, I think I would throw the ball back in her court on the issue with her husband. I would e-mail her and say something like " Mom, we would love to have you back in our lives. So you are welcome to come visit us anytime. The kids would love to see you. But he isn't welcome here. And I will not be able to come to your home, nor will your grandchildren be allowed to as long as he is there, because he can't be trusted after he violated me."

That's exactly what I would say to her. Then it will be up to her to make the next move.

(((HUGS))))

[Out2Lunch]

Well, I think I would throw the ball back in her court on the issue with her husband. I would e-mail her and say something like " Mom, we would love to have you back in our lives. So you are welcome to come visit us anytime. The kids would love to see you. But he isn't welcome here. And I will not be able to come to your home, nor will your grandchildren be allowed to as long as he is there, because he can't be trusted after he violated me."

That's exactly what I would say to her. Then it will be up to her to make the next move.

(((HUGS))))

I did something like that before we moved away. I told her she was more than welcome to spend time with my daughter before we leave, but I made it clear that she would have to be by herself, not with her husband. She chose not to even see her. I think it has everything to do with her husband...I think he is a control freak and an alcoholic. But, NOTHING and I do mean NOTHING would EVER keep me from my kids. I know she is making an effort and I am trying to be open to that...it's just so hard....

[Kyla Kym]

It sounds like you are between a rock & a hard place then. Have you talked to your other family members and asked them what she has had to say about it? Maybe they could shed some light on her true feelings about this situation that would help you to figure out why she is choosing to ignore this.

I do hope you can figure out something. I would hate to be in a situation like that. :(

[queenangie]

(((hugs))))

[Freebeemom]

I would probably act the same way. If you are truly interested in getting past this situation, then you need to have a sit down talk...at least one last time before you totally make up your mind. At least you would know that YOU tried to make things better. Some people will go through their whole lives denying the obvious. sometimes it is too late for an apology. Your children may be better off not having a relationship with someone who cannont accept responsiblility for their actions. I hate to say it...Mother or not....this is not a role model I would want around my family either.

Best of luck!

[YNKYH8R]

I have had ongoing problems with my mom for years now. Well, a little over a year ago things hit the fan if ya know what I mean and I haven't spoken to her since. In my eyes, she did some unforgiveable things and I wrote her a letter saying so. Now, fast forward to about March of this year. I e-mailed my BIL and we have kept in contact ever since. Well, he forwarded an e-mail I sent him to my mom with my DD's pic in it and she wanted to e-mail me. I actually had my DH read the e-mail she sent because I didn't want anymore heartache. It was short and nice, but TOTALLY IGNORES everything we have issues about. I have had the e-mail in my in-box now for almost a month. I have been debating whether or not I wanted to even go there. I finally e-mailed her saying that just because she choses to ignore things that happened doesn't make them go away.

She wants me act like nothing ever happened and move on and be friendly again. I just dont get it...I dont work that way. I cant forget the things she has done. I want her to say she was wrong and even if I CAN find it in my heart to forgive her....as long as she is with her husband I can't have ANYTHING to do with her....for my kids sake.

I'm sorry...I needed to get that out...prolly doesn't make sense....

I know EXACTLY where you are coming from. I had a thread on here (my first one by the way) it was 'My mother is mentally ill what do I do?' Now I know your mother is proabbly not mentally ill. Although I completely understand. My mother has said and done thing things I could probably forgive, except that she makes no apologies for what she has done or how she has acted.
We did counceling together, and I thought it would help, when everyone else told me to write her off. But when she verbally attacked my wife, at our home on her baby shower, and attacked me by phone, the day our baby was born, I had had just about enough. I decided a while ago that I was not going to keep her grand daughter away from her. But I found I was rewarding her bad behavior with letting her see our baby. She wasn't getting it and she deeply resents me and my wife. So, I called and left a message for her on her machine telling her that we need some time apart and that she needs to see a professional about her problems and that we can be a family again when she can get over whatever it id that makes her the way she is. I've not seen her for two months now, and our baby is oging on 4 months. We recieve packages of clothes from her, no note or anything. We email pictures to her. I really hurts, looking at my daughter and knowing that there is a grandmother she hardly sees. I don't want it to be like this but she brings this upon herself.
This has been going on for three years now....

[Kyla Kym]

YNKYH8R, since they found that tumor on my moms brain, she has been doing all sorts of crazy things. We all have been trying to insure that she doesn't have to end up in a home for the mentally ill by just over looking the things she says and does. We know her mind ain't right and it's easy to over look what they say and do if you keep that in mind.

My husband is wonderful with her. When she starts in on him he turns it around on her and starts joking and picking on her about it....when she says things like how she is going to stomp his butt, he says things back to her like is it going to hurt bad? And winks at her...she can't help but start laughing at him. She doesn't weigh but about 120 and is 5'2. My husband is 6'3, so I guess it dawns on her how silly she sounds. My husband has had to take lots of courses on employee management and I think that is why he knows how to deal with her.

When she first snapped this summer, my son was staying with them. He loves to go stay with his grandparents. And the day she snapped my 16 year old son was there and she picked a fight with him. He being a 16 year old hot head got into a argument with her. She wasn't making since and and didn't know that something had happened to her mind. He just kept arguing with her until it turned into a huge heated fight. She whacked him with the telephone and he whacked the wood post on the porch with his fist and broke his hand. Ever since that has happened my mother hasn't been right. She calls here constantly trying to pick fights with me over that incident. I finally figured out why. It was driving her bonkers because my son won't come back down there. He has been mad at her all this time. So I set my son down and told him that she ain't right anymore as he well knows. I told him that if didn't apologize to her for the fight and act like he was real sorry that it happened, that she would probably never get better because she is obsessing over it and I know in her own way she don't know what to do. She just wants my son back in her life. I told him all this, I also told him life is to short and if she died tomorrow would he have wished he wouldn't have been so bull headed about this?

He thought about what I had said for 2 days, and decided to take my advice. He went and apologized to her and pretended it was his fault. Now things are getting back to normal...all she did was in a playful manner shake her fist at him and say "Don't you let it happen again!" Since then she has been back to her old self buying him things, baking & cooking for him. She is happier now with all of us. My son is glad he did apologize to her now even if it wasn't his fault. Because he swallowed his pride he has helped her so much on the road to recovery from whatever happened that day when she snapped.

Sorry to take over this thread. I just wanted to tell that incase it might help someone else someday in dealing with a mentally ill parent.

[YNKYH8R]

YNKYH8R, since they found that tumor on my moms brain, she has been doing all sorts of crazy things. We all have been trying to insure that she doesn't have to end up in a home for the mentally ill by just over looking the things she says and does. We know her mind ain't right and it's easy to over look what they say and do if you keep that in mind.

My husband is wonderful with her. When she starts in on him he turns it around on her and starts joking and picking on her about it....when she says things like how she is going to stomp his butt, he says things back to her like is it going to hurt bad? And winks at her...she can't help but start laughing at him. She doesn't weigh but about 120 and is 5'2. My husband is 6'3, so I guess it dawns on her how silly she sounds. My husband has had to take lots of courses on employee management and I think that is why he knows how to deal with her.

When she first snapped this summer, my son was staying with them. He loves to go stay with his grandparents. And the day she snapped my 16 year old son was there and she picked a fight with him. He being a 16 year old hot head got into a argument with her. She wasn't making since and and didn't know that something had happened to her mind. He just kept arguing with her until it turned into a huge heated fight. She whacked him with the telephone and he whacked the wood post on the porch with his fist and broke his hand. Ever since that has happened my mother hasn't been right. She calls here constantly trying to pick fights with me over that incident. I finally figured out why. It was driving her bonkers because my son won't come back down there. He has been mad at her all this time. So I set my son down and told him that she ain't right anymore as he well knows. I told him that if didn't apologize to her for the fight and act like he was real sorry that it happened, that she would probably never get better because she is obsessing over it and I know in her own way she don't know what to do. She just wants my son back in her life. I told him all this, I also told him life is to short and if she died tomorrow would he have wished he wouldn't have been so bull headed about this?

He thought about what I had said for 2 days, and decided to take my advice. He went and apologized to her and pretended it was his fault. Now things are getting back to normal...all she did was in a playful manner shake her fist at him and say "Don't you let it happen again!" Since then she has been back to her old self buying him things, baking & cooking for him. She is happier now with all of us. My son is glad he did apologize to her now even if it wasn't his fault. Because he swallowed his pride he has helped her so much on the road to recovery from whatever happened that day when she snapped.

Sorry to take over this thread. I just wanted to tell that incase it might help someone else someday in dealing with a mentally ill parent.

I apreciate your insight, but unfortunately my situation is a little different. I'm not sure about the OP but that is how it affects me. My mom has been acting like this her whole life, so if it was a tumor she probably would have died by now. I can't apologize to my mom for getting married, inviting my aunt, or having a child. I can't apologize for telling my aunt that her mother was on her death bed and my mother probably wouldn't have told her until she was in a cookie can in the ground. She has a problem, she won't admit it, I've tried to help her, she feels insulted, the ball is in her court; if she wants to see me or my family she knows what she needs to do. Now its up to her, and we'll see just how important I am to her, or her granddaughter.

[Out2Lunch]

I can't apologize to my mom for getting married,

YNKYH8R....I know what you mean! When I got engaged, my parents had recently divorced. My mom didn't speak to me for 3 months because whomever wrote the engagement ad in the paper they wrote 'Jim and Nancy Davis'(not actual names of course). Like I had a say so in how it was worded. All I did was fill in a form. Also, I decided to invite my grandparents to the wedding(whom my mother never liked and we hadn't even seen since we were babies) and she didn't like that one bit. She was overheard saying that she couldn't wait for it to be over so that they could go eat. That made me feel good on my wedding day!

My mom has also ALWAYS been like this and I can't ever remember her hugging me as a child. My father did, but not her. HE always tucked us in bed, did the mom type things because she wouldn't.

I'm sorry you are dealing with something similar, but it's nice to know that someone understands...thanks :)

[YNKYH8R]

YNKYH8R....I know what you mean! When I got engaged, my parents had recently divorced. My mom didn't speak to me for 3 months because whomever wrote the engagement ad in the paper they wrote 'Jim and Nancy Davis'(not actual names of course). Like I had a say so in how it was worded. All I did was fill in a form. Also, I decided to invite my grandparents to the wedding(whom my mother never liked and we hadn't even seen since we were babies) and she didn't like that one bit. She was overheard saying that she couldn't wait for it to be over so that they could go eat. That made me feel good on my wedding day!

My mom has also ALWAYS been like this and I can't ever remember her hugging me as a child. My father did, but not her. HE always tucked us in bed, did the mom type things because she wouldn't.

I'm sorry you are dealing with something similar, but it's nice to know that someone understands...thanks :)

OMG! My mom went so far as to scream at her nieces in a bathroom in front of her grandneice (who was an infant at the time) because their mom, her sister, was invited, by us, to the wedding even though we hadn't seen her, my aunt, in ten years or so.

And yes, my mom did bury her mother, my grandmother, in a sugar cookie tin that was just laying around her room after she died.

Hey, no problem listening. Everyone, on my wife's side, supports me and feels for me. I've never found anyone who realizes what it is I am going through. but they've been great.
Keep in touch.

[Kyla Kym]

I guess this is what they mean when they say everyone is different. I grew up allot the same way you guys are talking about. I was married at 17 and my mother wouldn't come to my wedding. It was so embarrassing to me because my husband has a huge family and the wedding took place at his sisters house and there were so many people there for him. Only my father, 1 aunt and a cousin came for me. I forgive my mom for that, and I've never held a grudge or thought she should apologize to me.

She got mad at me once when I was 22 and wouldn't speak to me for 2 years. It was horrible, all I wanted was her back in my life and finally the day after I gave birth to my son, she came to the hospital to see him. I was a only child and I really could have used my mom's support during my pregnancy because I had so many complications and was in the hospital more than not. I never once was mad at her over it, I was just proud after 2 long years she was finally back in my life.

Neither of my parents ever told me they loved me or gave me hugs growing up. But they made sure I had a home and parents to come home too when I was growing up. This day and age that means allot to some. I spent most of my childhood half scared to death of my mother and back then we didn't know what was wrong with her. I doubt she had a tumor back then, and I still forgave her for everything she said and did to me. I just can't understand how someone can't forgive another human, especially your mom.

But I won't say no more, because I know neither of you want to hear what I have to say. I just hope you both never have any regrets about your moms.

(((HUGS)))))

[YNKYH8R]

I never said I didn't want ot hear what you have to say. It is good to share. And this isn't a who's mom is worse thread either. I just saw what out2lunch wrote and responded. Its like she said, I could forgive my mom, but she doesn't see herself as doing anything wrong.

She makes every situation uncomfortable, because I know how she feels about me and my wife. And who knows what she'll say about us to our daughter when she is old enough to understand.

[JKATHERINE]

I guess this is what they mean when they say everyone is different. I grew up allot the same way you guys are talking about. I was married at 17 and my mother wouldn't come to my wedding. It was so embarrassing to me because my husband has a huge family and the wedding took place at his sisters house and there were so many people there for him. Only my father, 1 aunt and a cousin came for me. I forgive my mom for that, and I've never held a grudge or thought she should apologize to me.

She got mad at me once when I was 22 and wouldn't speak to me for 2 years. It was horrible, all I wanted was her back in my life and finally the day after I gave birth to my son, she came to the hospital to see him. I was a only child and I really could have used my mom's support during my pregnancy because I had so many complications and was in the hospital more than not. I never once was mad at her over it, I was just proud after 2 long years she was finally back in my life.

Neither of my parents ever told me they loved me or gave me hugs growing up. But they made sure I had a home and parents to come home too when I was growing up. This day and age that means allot to some. I spent most of my childhood half scared to death of my mother and back then we didn't know what was wrong with her. I doubt she had a tumor back then, and I still forgave her for everything she said and did to me. I just can't understand how someone can't forgive another human, especially your mom.

But I won't say no more, because I know neither of you want to hear what I have to say. I just hope you both never have any regrets about your moms.

(((HUGS)))))

It's not that anyone doesn't want to hear what you have to say...In fact, I'm sure there are some out there that can relate to your way of thinking. And we appreciate hearing a different take on the subject. It just happens to be different from the way Out2Lunch and YNKYH8R think. I, for one, am a person who normally believes that life is too short and that family is #1. However, I do not think that putting a roof over someone's head and food in their mouth qualifies anyone as a parent. YNKYH8R's mother believes this makes her 'Mom of the century." Life is too short to be constantly harrassed--by family or otherwise. Life's too short to be stressed out, angry, hurt and upset all the time. And no, there's no way in heck we're just going to let her be a mean, manipulative, hurtful nutcase and just ignore it. Someone mentioned the possibility of a tumor. If it is, we'll never know because she refuses to admit there's anything wrong with her OR that she's ever done anything wrong. I'm really not that familiar with tumors, but I'm not sure that being evil and manipulative are side effects....they could very well be though...

Jamie

[Blondiex46]

Anyway, I think unfortunatelly the whole thing is sad, everything, all of it. I guess you have to decide what is right for you, put it out there and see what happens. the groping incident is definately wrong and it happenes all the time when kids/adults tell their parent what the other has done and it appears that you want your mother to validate you and pay attention to what you have told her cause her ignoring it is like you are lying. So, if she doesn't do what you need then what are you willing to accept from her, anything.

Some people aren't made to be parents, but you can't stop it, if you know what I mean. If you want to be a part of her life or have you a part of hers what do you want to do, I think that is the ???. PUt the ball in her court (like you did) and see what happens, that would be my suggestion. If she doesn't respond the way you NEED not want, then you have a decision to make. And if you decide to not have her as a part of your life that doesn't mean it is forever, just for the time being.