Top Ten Signs You're Too Old to be Trick or Treating

[Jolie Rouge]

10. You get winded from knocking on the door.


9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.


8. You ask for high fiber candy only.


7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.


6. People say, "Great Keith Richards mask!" .........
and you're not wearing a mask.


5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or." and can't remember the rest.


4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.


3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.


2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.


1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.


-- David Letterman Top 10...

[Jolie Rouge]

Pros and Cons of Vampire Dating

Pros:

Long relationships

Allowed to stay out late

Easy weight loss

Centuries of experience

Immune to all venereal diseases

Always has amazing stamina

Loves neck nibbling

Rarely interested in arguing religion

Never comes home with garlic breath

Don't have to worry about what color of clothes to wear.

---

[b]Cons:[/b

Spend your time in a hypnotic daze

Parents can be hell

You always feel tired (loss of blood)

Oral sex can be lethal

Always has cold feet (and blood)

Never able to spend the day in bed

Pet names that give you chills

Strange friends

Giggles at funerals

Hard to win an argument

No romantic sunsets

[Jolie Rouge]

Everything I Ever *REALLY* Needed To Know, I Learned From Scary Movies ...

:eek:

Advice for Scary Situations, Especially on Halloween

-- When it appears that you have killed the monster, never check to see if it's really dead.

-- If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, was once a church that was used for black masses, had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices in your house move away immediately.

-- Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

-- Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.

-- If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, or if they speak to you using a voice which is other than their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. NOTE: It will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared.

-- When you have the benefit of numbers, never pair off and go it alone.

-- As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

-- Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other house of the dead.

-- If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find out that it's just the cat, leave the room immediately if you value your life.

-- If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.

-- Do not take --anything-- from the dead.

-- If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a reason. Take the hint and stay away.

-- Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you are doing.

-- If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely rambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.

-- If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them as fast as possible.

-- Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.

-- If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help.

-- Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any device made from deceased companions.

-- Don't make fun of or play with dead things.

-- If you see a town that looks deserted except for children, do not try to 'help' them - they will eat you.

-- If you walk into the local abandoned-looking church to seek help or shelter, and you notice that the crucifix is mounted upside down, turn around and go back outside as quietly as possible.

-- Never have sex in the bunkbeds of recently renovated summer camps.

-- Whenever you land on a distant planet and find some objects that look like eggs, leave them alone.

-- Do not allow crewmates back aboard the craft if and after you have found a hideous parasite attached to his/her body.

-- Be forewarned that a gun is only good for ALMOST killing the monster, never for COMPLETELY killing it. Be sure to have an extra weapon, preferably one with a "flair" (a knife, a harpoon, a heavy box, razor confetti, pop tarts.)

-- Don't open the closed door, especially if you hear scratching, heavy breathing, or the voice of a dear relative whom you THOUGHT was dead.

-- Never bathe, especially when in the house alone.
{ Or shower in creepy isolated motels ...}

-- If you are a female, never show your breasts. Easy women die fast.

-- Never camp or build homes on Indian burial grounds.

-- If the phone lines are dead, and you hear footsteps upstairs, and you say "Tom. Tom is that you?" and Tom does not answer, run away.

-- If you have to run away, taking a bus is your best bet. If you take a car the monster will be in it.

[Jolie Rouge]

Q. Why do vampires do well at school?

A. Because every time they're asked a question they come up with a biting reply.


Q. What is the vampire's favorite slogan?

A. Please Give Blood Generously.


Q. Why are vampires crazy?

A. Because they're often bats.



Q. What did the vampire say when he had been to the dentist?

A. Fangs very much.



Q. What kind of medicine does Dracula take for a cold?

A. Coffin medicine.



Q. How does a vampire clean his house?

A. With a victim cleaner.



Q. What is a skeleton's favorite musical instrument?

A. A trombone.



Q. What do birds give out on Halloween night?

A. Tweets.



Q. Why do vampires need mouthwash?

A. They have bat breath.



Q. What's a vampire's favorite fast food?

A. A guy with very high blood pressure.



Q. Why did the Vampire subscribe to the Wall Street Journal?

A. He heard it had great circulation.

[Jolie Rouge]

Q. What do you call someone who puts poison in a person's corn flakes?

A. A cereal killer.

Q. Why do mummies have trouble keeping friends?

A. They're too wrapped up in themselves.

Q. What kind of streets do zombies like the best?

A. Dead ends.

Q. What does the papa ghost say to his family when driving?

A. Fasten your sheet belts.

Q. What is a vampire's favorite mode of transportation?

A. A blood vessel.

Q. What is a ghost's favorite mode of transportation?

A. A scareplane.

Q. What type of dog do vampire's like the best?

A. Bloodhounds.

Q. What is a ghoul's favorite flavor?

A. Lemon-slime.

Q. What does a vampire never order at a restaurant?

A. A stake sandwich.

Q. What happened to the vampire who swallowed a sheep?

A. He felt baaaaaaaaaaaaad.

Q. What does Mrs Dracula say to Mr Dracula when he leaves for work in the evening?

A. Have a nice bite!

Q. What's Dracula's favorite coffee?

A. De-coffiin-ated.

Q. What's Dracula's car called?

A. A mobile blood unit.

[Jolie Rouge]

Q. Why did the vampire go to the orthodontist?

A. To improve his bite.

Q. What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?

A. Frostbite.

Q. Why do witches use brooms to fly on?

A. Because vacuum cleaners are too heavy.

Q. How do witches keep their hair in place while flying?

A. With scare spray.

Q. What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?

A. A fur coat that fangs around your neck.

Q. Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?

A. No, they eat the fingers separately.

Q. Why don't skeletons ever go out on the town?

A. Because they don't have any body to go out with.

Q. What do ghosts add to their morning cereal?

A. Booberries.

Q. What is a vampire's favorite sport?

A. Casketball.

Q. What is a vampire's favorite holiday?

A. Fangsgiving.

Q. What would a monster's psychiatrist be called?

A. Shrinkenstein.

Q. What did one ghost say to the other ghost?

A. "Do you believe in people?"

[Jolie Rouge]

'Twas Halloween night as I leaped from my bed,

With thoughts of amusement going through my head.

Turned off my computer and thought as I may

Of vampires of old and vampires of today.

Of spooky old movies and Halloween parties,

Of course trick or treating (hope they don't hand out Smarties).

And witches and ghosts and gravediggers, I fear,

So that old haunted house, I will never go near.

When you see spooky places, just take my advice,

And don't go in rooms filled with ghosts, bats, and mice.

So don't risk your life going looking for spooks,

Just go to a party with some good friendly kooks.

Or gather your family, carve a pumpkin and think

What to have your kids do, and go pick up a drink.

Tell a joke to your friends, but be careful, you'll see

That a couple wrong moves might mean eternity.

Now put on that costume and dress yourself up.

You can be Ninja Nun or that RCA Pup.

But be very careful or else you might see

That ghosts and vampires aren't really PC.

So now you can think, as you turn out that light

That there's no such thing and that you are all right.

Look under your bed, though, and then you might see.

Nothing! We aren't afraid of ghosts now, are we?

[Jolie Rouge]

THE HALLOWEEN DICTIONARY

Bobbing Apples: What happens when you leave your bra off while running.

Boogieman: Guy who passes time at a stoplight picking his nose.

Coffin: What you do when you get a piece of popcorn stuck in your throat.

Frankenstein: Hot dog and a mug of beer.

Full moon: What your repairman reveals when he bends over to fix your fridge.

Goblin: How you eat the snickers bars you got for Halloween.

Invisible Man: What a guy becomes when there's housework to be done. Also, see "Mr. Hyde."

Jack O' Lantern: An Irish Pumpkin.

Jack the Ripper: What Jack does to his lottery tickets after losing each week.

Mummy: Who kisses the boo-boo after you scrape your knee.

Pumpkin Patch: What a pumpkin wears when trying to quit smoking.

Skeleton: Any supermodel.

Vampire Bat: What Dracula hits a baseball with.

Witch: See "Mother-in-Law."

Zombie: What you look like before that first cup of morning coffee.

[Jolie Rouge]

Why Pumpkins are Better Than Men

Every year you get a brand new crop to choose from.

No matter what your mood is, pumpkins are always ready to greet you with a smile.

One usually makes a better pie.

They are always on the doorstep there waiting for you.

If you don't like the way he looks, you just carve up another face.

If he starts smelling up your place, you can just throw him out.

From the start you know a pumpkin has an empty, mush-filled head.

A pumpkin is turned on only when you want him to be.

[Jolie Rouge]

How To Have Fun With Trick-or-Treaters

-- Give away something other than candy. (Toothpicks, golf balls, bags of sand, etc.)

-- Wait behind the door until some people come. When they get near the door, jump out, wearing a costume, and holding a bag, and yell,Trick or Treat! Look at them, scratch your head, and act confused.

-- Fill a briefcase with marbles and crackers.Write on it, Top Secret in big letters. When trick-or-treaters come, look around suspiciously, say, "It's about time you got here," give them the briefcase, and quickly shut the door.

-- Get about 30 people to wait in your living room. When trick-or-treaters come to the door, say, "Come in." When they do, have everyone yell, "Surprise!!!" Act like it's a surprise party.

-- Get everyone who comes to the door to come in and see if they can figure out what's wrong with your dishwasher. Insist that it makes an unnatural whirring sound.

-- Hand them your child's school fund raiser ordering sheet and insist that they buy their own candy.

-- After you give them candy, hand the trick-or-treaters a bill.

-- Open the door dressed as a giant fish. Immediately collapse, and don't move or say anything until the trick-or-treaters go away.

-- When you answer the door, hold up one candy bar, throw it out into the street, and yell, "Crawl for it!"

-- When you answer the door, look at the trick-or-treaters, act shocked and scared, and start screaming your head off. Slam the door and run around the house, screaming until they go away.

-- Hand out menus to the trick-or-treaters and let them order their candy. Keep asking if anyone wants to see the wine list.

-- Get a catapult. Sit on your porch and catapult pumpkins at anyone who comes within 50 yards of your house.

-- When people come to the door, jump out a nearby window, crashing through the glass, and run as far away from your house as you can.

-- Instead of candy, give away colored eggs. If anyone protests, explain that the eggs are the only thing you had left over from Easter.

-- Answer the door dressed as a dentist. Angrily give the trick-or-treaters a two-hour lecture on tooth decay.

-- Answer the door with a mouthful of M & M's and several half-eaten candy bars in your hands. Act surprised, and close the door. Open it again in a few seconds, and insist that you don't have any candy.

-- Hand out cigarettes and bottles of aspirin.

-- Put a crown on a pumpkin and put the pumpkin on a throne on your porch; Insist that all of the trick-or-treaters bow before the pumpkin.

-- Open the door and say, "TRICK!" then close the door.

[halvarado]

LOL that is hilarious!!!!!!!!!

[Shann]

well whew! glad I'm not "too old" for trick - or - treating! :D That's like the best thing to do on halloween! ;)

[Jolie Rouge]

Three vampires went into a bar and sat down.

The barmaid came over to take their orders. "And what would you, er, gentlemen like tonight?"

The first vampire said, "I'll have a mug of blood."

The second vampire said, "I'll have a mug of blood."

The third vampire shook his head at his companions and said, "I will have a glass of plasma."

The barmaid wrote down each order, went to the bar and called to the bartender, "Two bloods and a blood light!"

[msmom79]

These Are Good Guess Im To Old To Trick Or Treat Will Someone Send Me Some Kit/kats?

[Jolie Rouge]

WHAT WOULD HALLOWEEN BE WITHOUT A GOOD SCARE ?
http://www.halloweenghoststories.com/

[I][Spooky Halloween Tales] * [Classic Ghost Stories] * [Real Life Hauntings] * [Tales of Terror] * * [Urban Legends] * [Dark Poetry] *[Halloween Cards] * [Featured Story]


[B]BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA ....

[nanajoanie]

Quoting:

7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.

-- When you answer the door, hold up one candy bar, throw it out into the street, and yell, "Crawl for it!"

Everything was so funny. Thanks for all your hard work :D :D

[Jolie Rouge]

Republican Trick-or-Treat
http://l.flowgo.com/redir.cfm/9684/69219/9468/3489253

Scary Jack in the Box
http://l.flowgo.com/redir.cfm/9684/69216/9468/3489253

A Beary SpookTacular Halloween
http://l.flowgo.com/redir.cfm/9684/69220/9468/3489253

[Jolie Rouge]

36 Halloween E-cards
www.msn.americangreetings.com/category.pd?path=31639&source=msne100

[Jolie Rouge]

A funeral procession was winding its way to the cemetery on top of a steep hill outside town, when the hearse hit a bump. The coffin was bumped loose, fell out onto the road and began sliding back toward town. It slid faster and faster. Finally, it reached the town and was skidding its way down Main Street.

Suddenly, at one intersection, the coffin hit the curb, flew onto the sidewalk, smashed through the front glass window of the pharmacy, and slammed up against the prescription counter.

The lid popped off, the corpse sat up and said, "You got anything to stop this coffin?"

[Jolie Rouge]

How To Survive A Halloween

When it appears that you have killed the monster, never check to see if it's really dead.

Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.

Never accept invitations from strangers, especially individuals who inexplicably live in isolated areas and have no contact with society.

As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

If you're searching for the cause of a noise and find out that it's not just the cat, leave the room immediately if you value your life.

If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.

Do not take anything from the dead.

If you find a town which is deserted, it's probably for a reason. Take the hint and stay away.

Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you're doing.

Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylavania, Nilbog, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.

If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted- looking house to phone for help.

Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any device made from deceased companions.

[Jolie Rouge]

The Top Ten Houses to Avoid while Trick-or Treating.

10. Any house that seems to be imploding into a space-time wormhole.

9. Any house made of food.

8. Any house whose only entrance goes to the basement.

7. Any house where the high tension wires suddenly stop right above it.

6. Any house that has ornamental lawn hyenas.

5. Any house that growls "get out."

4. Any house where the furniture seems to be walking across the living room floor.

3. Any house that looks like a giant pulsating orb floating 3 feet off the ground.

2. Any house with various and extremely realistic statues in the front yard of people in odd "running away" poses.

1. Any house that wasn't there only a minute ago...

[nanajoanie]

A funeral procession was winding its way to the cemetery on top of a steep hill outside town, when the hearse hit a bump. The coffin was bumped loose, fell out onto the road and began sliding back toward town. It slid faster and faster. Finally, it reached the town and was skidding its way down Main Street.

Suddenly, at one intersection, the coffin hit the curb, flew onto the sidewalk, smashed through the front glass window of the pharmacy, and slammed up against the prescription counter.

The lid popped off, the corpse sat up and said, "You got anything to stop this coffin?"


Perfect Halloween joke. Sending this to my grandkidlettes a day late. Thanks for the grin :D

[Jolie Rouge]

Reasons You Won't Win the Halloween Costume Contest

- The Bride of Frankenstein had big, pointy hair and a small, round rear -- not the other way around.

- 'Cause you should know that wearing a white sheet in Atlanta could only lead to getting your can whupped, Homeboy.

- Your "Naked Linda Tripp" costume is actually more nauseating than scary.

- Your "Yanni" costume got you beat up on the way to the party, four times.

- Your Dirk Diggler costume is merely embarrassing now that your "Diggler" is stuck in the car door.

- Your beret falls off every time you kneel.

- Yellow Homer Simpson makeup? Check.
Can of Homer Simpson "Duff Beer?" Check.
Homer Simpson pants? DOH!!!!

- No one can tell whether you came as Abe Vigoda or Marge Schott.

- This year's guest judge, Elizabeth Dole, has apparently never even *heard* of Marilyn Manson.

- Much to your surprise, three other people came dressed as Nikola Tesla, father of alternating current.

- The judges wrongly interpreted your "Liposuction By-product" costume as a "Bowl of Tapioca Pudding" costume.

- The only song you knew to go with the costume was "Mammy," and the judges at the NAACP party were not impressed.

- *Nobody* likes a farting clown.

[Jolie Rouge]

The Top 15 Pickup Lines of the Undead

15. "Your face or mine?"

14. "I play guitar. Care to meet my friends, Charlie and Mick?"

13. "You know, they named that drink after me."

12. "Is it hot in here, or is that just the embalming fluids running through my veins?"

11. "I can 'rise from the dead,' if you know what I mean."

10. "One look at you, and my knees turn to jelly. Or actually, sort of a yellowish, maggoty substance."

9. "You must be tired, 'cause you've been running through my mind all night -- care to peel back my scalp and see?"

8. "Excuse me, but did you just drop this finger?"

7. "What's your name? Who's your daddy? Is he rich, is he rich like me?"

6. "I've had my eye on you all night. Right there, stuck to your shoulder. Can I please have it back now?"

5. "Baby, if I were in charge of the alphabet, I'd put... BRAINS! MUST EAT BRAINS!"

4. "My rotten, maggot-infested skin would look great -- in a pile on your bedroom floor."

3. "You can't spell 'gruesome' without 'u' and 'me.'"

2. "Viagra, schmiagra -- I got rigor mortis, baby!"

and Topfive.com's Number 1 Pickup Line of the Undead...

1. "Sweetheart, you light up my death!"

[Jolie Rouge]

Top Five's Halloween Costumes That Net the Least Candy

Accompanying parent, legal guardian or chaperone

Amway Rep

Britney Spores

Bulimia Girl

Clifford the Big Rabid Dog

Creepy, Annoying Next-Door Neighbor

Homeless Arthur Andersen

Med-School Cadaver Boy

Mr. Dental Floss

Religious Extremist

Rumsfeld the Pirate

The Office Intern Who Won't Stop Quoting "Family Guy"

Tonya Harding, Crowbar-Wielding Ice Princess

Bacchus (often mistakenly described to police as "Drunken Middle-Aged Naked Fat Guy")

Bloated Elvis

Incontinent Frankenstein

The Scarlet Pimpleface

Poop-Boy (With Maggot-Enhanced Mask)

Unkempt Foul-Mouthed Squeegie Kid

Wonder Dentist