Jolie Rouge
08-25-2004, 09:04 AM
Remember the kid who thought she was better than all the other girls? She probably had a triple-barreled hyphenated name like Tiffany Sachs Winchester-Remington. She was always talking about her ballet lessons and sprinkled her conversations with French words such as “These pomme frites are just so le plume de ma tante, n’est ce pas?”
If she spoke to you at all, it was to tell you that you had the fashion sense of a Bulgarian trash collector. Her idea of a compliment was observing that if it weren’t for the pimples, you’d be good looking enough to get a job as a receptionist at a school for the blind.
She assumed she’d be the lead in the school play, the head cheerleader, and the winner of the DAR essay contest. And what really fried your bacon double crisp was that she always got what she wanted.
Then one day a girl who lived on a dirt road, third trailer from the corner, was picked homecoming queen instead of Tiffany. And you’ll never admit it to anyone, but deep inside you still remember this as the happiest day of your life, ahead of your wedding, the birth of your first child, winning the lottery and being awarded the Nobel Peace Prize.
And what you’ll never forget is how Tiffany reacted to the news when it was announced and everyone looked at her. She knew all along it would happen, she said haughtily, because the contest was rigged by people who were jealous of her beauty, grace and talent.
That’s a bit longer than our customary introduction to this feature. We’re not sure, but it might be because our crack staff of writers have spent more time than absolutely necessary testing candidates for the official ouzo of the WOW Olympics. But we think – make that know - that our second Olympic Whiner of the Week would be offended if she didn’t get our longest preamble ever.
And with that, who can we be talking about if not Svetlana Khorkina, who, if she continues to work on her personality, could grow up to be Russia’s answer to Whitney Houston?
Khorkina has been, in her own immodest opinion, the world’s greatest gymnast for the past eight years. The only reason everyone didn’t know it was because she neglected to win an all-around gold in either the Atlanta or Sydney Olympics. But, she assured us, if she hadn’t fallen off the bars and blown a vault, she would have won, and everyone knows it.
The lack of lower-body weight makes her great on her specialty, the uneven bars. But on the floor and the balance beam, she relies on sinuous arm waving and haughty poses to convey her message to the judges, which is, “Make me champion, you fat-bottomed, tiny-brained eaters of snails.”
Alas, for the third straight Olympics, the judges forgot to make her queen of the leotards. Instead, they gave the gold medal to 16-year-old Carly Patterson, who doesn’t know a word of French but can leap and tumble like nobody else.
“The judges robbed me,” cried Khokina to the Russian media. “Everything was decided in advance.”
But, fear not, Khorkina is so angry that she has a new mission. She intends to get involved in the International Gymnastics Federation and make the sport safe again for people whose idea of fine dining is a corn flake and a pack of Marlboros.
In her world, gymnastics would be “judged primarily on grace, elegance and beauty rather than simply on mechanic tumbling.”
And there’d be extra points for whining.
Dishonorable mentions :
1. Aaron Peirsol
Late in the week, the American backstroker was momentarily disqualified from a race he won by more than two seconds because a judge accused him of making an illegal turn. We were shocked at the time because we were unaware that turn signals were required in Olympic swimming. But the disqualification was reversed and everybody but the Brits, who lost a bronze medal when Pierson was reinstated were happy. Peirsol was such a hero after the event that everyone forgot that earlier in the week, after teammate Brendan Hansen lost to Japan's Kosuke Kitajima in the 100-meter breaststroke, Peirsol had cried that the Japanese swimmer used an illegal kick at the start. We suggest that in the future, Peirsol leave all such decisions to the judges. It worked for him, and it should work for Kitajima, too.
2. Arash Miresmaeili
When this Iranian judoka found out he was scheduled to fight an Israeli, he told the Iranian media that he wouldn’t take the mat. “I refused to play against an Israeli rival to sympathize with the oppressed Palestinian people.” Then he showed up overweight and was disqualified, later saying that it had nothing to do with his opponent, a storyline that became necessary when international judo and Olympic officials expressed outrage that someone would bring politics into the arena. We’re a bit mystified by this bit of whining. Usually, if you find yourself scheduled to play an ancestral enemy, you lick your chops at the opportunity to attempt to beat that person up. The only reason you would refuse to play would be if you were afraid of losing. And that’s WOW material.
3. Zelimir Obradovic
The coach of Serbia-Montenegro was outraged when his team was beaten in the first round of the Olympic basketball tournament by a buzzer-beater by Argentina’s Manu Ginobili. Apparently, such shots would never be allowed if the game had been held in his gym back home in Belgrade, and he told the officials that at great length and volume. Replays showed the call was correct, but Obradovic stopped in the press conference just long enough to cry, “It’s ridiculous over here.” Serbia-Montenegro went on to lose many more games in the tournament, proving that the only fluke was that it wasn’t the referees hurting them but their own incompetence. We’d offer Obradovic some words of comfort, but anyone named Zelimir has more problems than we can cure in the few words we have left.
4. Suh Joung-bok
The Korean judo coach was tossed out of the Games after he was seen striking one of the women on his team after she lost a match. His defenders first explained that beating the athletes is a time-honored training tool in their culture. Then they said that he didn’t hit her very hard – just a light slap. The next thing we knew, Suh was a dishonorable mention on WOW.
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/3298669/
If she spoke to you at all, it was to tell you that you had the fashion sense of a Bulgarian trash collector. Her idea of a compliment was observing that if it weren’t for the pimples, you’d be good looking enough to get a job as a receptionist at a school for the blind.
She assumed she’d be the lead in the school play, the head cheerleader, and the winner of the DAR essay contest. And what really fried your bacon double crisp was that she always got what she wanted.
Then one day a girl who lived on a dirt road, third trailer from the corner, was picked homecoming queen instead of Tiffany. And you’ll never admit it to anyone, but deep inside you still remember this as the happiest day of your life, ahead of your wedding, the birth of your first child, winning the lottery and being awarded the Nobel Peace Prize.
And what you’ll never forget is how Tiffany reacted to the news when it was announced and everyone looked at her. She knew all along it would happen, she said haughtily, because the contest was rigged by people who were jealous of her beauty, grace and talent.
That’s a bit longer than our customary introduction to this feature. We’re not sure, but it might be because our crack staff of writers have spent more time than absolutely necessary testing candidates for the official ouzo of the WOW Olympics. But we think – make that know - that our second Olympic Whiner of the Week would be offended if she didn’t get our longest preamble ever.
And with that, who can we be talking about if not Svetlana Khorkina, who, if she continues to work on her personality, could grow up to be Russia’s answer to Whitney Houston?
Khorkina has been, in her own immodest opinion, the world’s greatest gymnast for the past eight years. The only reason everyone didn’t know it was because she neglected to win an all-around gold in either the Atlanta or Sydney Olympics. But, she assured us, if she hadn’t fallen off the bars and blown a vault, she would have won, and everyone knows it.
The lack of lower-body weight makes her great on her specialty, the uneven bars. But on the floor and the balance beam, she relies on sinuous arm waving and haughty poses to convey her message to the judges, which is, “Make me champion, you fat-bottomed, tiny-brained eaters of snails.”
Alas, for the third straight Olympics, the judges forgot to make her queen of the leotards. Instead, they gave the gold medal to 16-year-old Carly Patterson, who doesn’t know a word of French but can leap and tumble like nobody else.
“The judges robbed me,” cried Khokina to the Russian media. “Everything was decided in advance.”
But, fear not, Khorkina is so angry that she has a new mission. She intends to get involved in the International Gymnastics Federation and make the sport safe again for people whose idea of fine dining is a corn flake and a pack of Marlboros.
In her world, gymnastics would be “judged primarily on grace, elegance and beauty rather than simply on mechanic tumbling.”
And there’d be extra points for whining.
Dishonorable mentions :
1. Aaron Peirsol
Late in the week, the American backstroker was momentarily disqualified from a race he won by more than two seconds because a judge accused him of making an illegal turn. We were shocked at the time because we were unaware that turn signals were required in Olympic swimming. But the disqualification was reversed and everybody but the Brits, who lost a bronze medal when Pierson was reinstated were happy. Peirsol was such a hero after the event that everyone forgot that earlier in the week, after teammate Brendan Hansen lost to Japan's Kosuke Kitajima in the 100-meter breaststroke, Peirsol had cried that the Japanese swimmer used an illegal kick at the start. We suggest that in the future, Peirsol leave all such decisions to the judges. It worked for him, and it should work for Kitajima, too.
2. Arash Miresmaeili
When this Iranian judoka found out he was scheduled to fight an Israeli, he told the Iranian media that he wouldn’t take the mat. “I refused to play against an Israeli rival to sympathize with the oppressed Palestinian people.” Then he showed up overweight and was disqualified, later saying that it had nothing to do with his opponent, a storyline that became necessary when international judo and Olympic officials expressed outrage that someone would bring politics into the arena. We’re a bit mystified by this bit of whining. Usually, if you find yourself scheduled to play an ancestral enemy, you lick your chops at the opportunity to attempt to beat that person up. The only reason you would refuse to play would be if you were afraid of losing. And that’s WOW material.
3. Zelimir Obradovic
The coach of Serbia-Montenegro was outraged when his team was beaten in the first round of the Olympic basketball tournament by a buzzer-beater by Argentina’s Manu Ginobili. Apparently, such shots would never be allowed if the game had been held in his gym back home in Belgrade, and he told the officials that at great length and volume. Replays showed the call was correct, but Obradovic stopped in the press conference just long enough to cry, “It’s ridiculous over here.” Serbia-Montenegro went on to lose many more games in the tournament, proving that the only fluke was that it wasn’t the referees hurting them but their own incompetence. We’d offer Obradovic some words of comfort, but anyone named Zelimir has more problems than we can cure in the few words we have left.
4. Suh Joung-bok
The Korean judo coach was tossed out of the Games after he was seen striking one of the women on his team after she lost a match. His defenders first explained that beating the athletes is a time-honored training tool in their culture. Then they said that he didn’t hit her very hard – just a light slap. The next thing we knew, Suh was a dishonorable mention on WOW.
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/3298669/