I feel like I am a hypocrite.

[CABANN]

My oldest son (almost 16) has been seeing this girl for 7 months. They always want to be together or on the phone with one another. But for the last two weeks they haven't been able to spend time together because we were on vacation one week and then her family went on vacation the following week. She comes from a very nice family and is a very highly intellegent girl. She is a little controlling with my son, but he lets it happen because he is so head over heels in love with her.

Ok, now for my problem. For the last four months on a few occasions I would let her spend the night here if they had some kind of scool event going on and they needed to be at the high school early in the morning. My son would sleep on the couch and she would sleep in his room. The couch is right directly across from my bedroom, so I would sleep with my door open (also one eye and one ear).

She spent the night last night because they have summer leadership going on all this week and part of next at the school, and have to be there by 7 am. Her family lives about 35 minutes away from the school and we live about 5 minutes. Anyways my son wants to spend the night at her house tonight and I told them both NO. I don't think that they get as much supervision at her house as they do at ours. Her mom is very busy with 3 other kids (just like me),but 2 of them being Autistic. Like I said her family is very nice, but I just don't feel comfortable with my son sleeping over there. Am I a hypocrite for letting her spend the night here numerous times but not letting him sleep over there.

[Quaker_Parrots]

Better to be safe than end up a Grandma.

[joey74]

I wouldn't worry so much about being a hypocrite. Your a mother, not all of your decisions are going to be fair. Sometimes you just have to go with your gut, and it must be telling you that that your not comfortable with it. Just tell your son that his girlfriend spending the night is a privalige and the only reason you allow it is because you feel confident that you are able to monitor them with your full attention. In my opinion it is perfectly alright not to assume that other parents morals and judgements are the same as yours ((if all else fails you could always call the girls mother, to kinda get a sense of how she would handle things)
Good Luck

[msshannon]

I am thinking along the very same lines as you are, given the situation with there being more supervision coming from you so of course I don't think you're being a hypocrite..lol Man!! I am not envying you at all! I hope my boys take forever to grow up because I am SO not looking forward to stuff like this..lol

In my opinion as a mother of two boys, you can NEVER be too careful!! I would feel the EXACT same way you are now in the very exact situatuion. I'm one of those people that try to look and plan ahead to keep trouble from falling into my lap so what you are doing is right in my book. :D

[CABANN]

Another thing that makes me feel like a hypocrite,being a mom of 4 and the youngest being the only girl, I can't ever imagine letting my daughter sleep at her boy friends house at the age of 15 (right now she is only 6 :) ).

[lassss]

mmmm I kinda disagree..you hafta put some faith and confidence in your son and be able to trust him....I would talk to her mother and tell her your concerns and then let him stay over. I don't know the history of your son if you have had any kinds of problems with him but if you haven't I'd let him go. I'd also have a very informed sex chat with also.. good luck :D

[CABANN]

mmmm I kinda disagree..you hafta put some faith and confidence in your son and be able to trust him....I would talk to her mother and tell her your concerns and then let him stay over. I don't know the history of your son if you have had any kinds of problems with him but if you haven't I'd let him go. I'd also have a very informed sex chat with also.. good luck :D


My son is a good kid for a teenager, a almost straight a student and very active in ROTC just being promoted to an Officer. I am just worried about his hormones. He is so head over heels with this girl, his first real girlfriend, that I don't want him in a situation that they can't control themselves. I know that if they want to do something they will find a way.

We have had plenty of sex ed talks with him (and her too when questions come up). But the thing that scares me the most is that she is allergic to latex so most condoms are out of the question. I have been told that latex free condoms are on the market, so maybe I will buy some for him. But I don't want him to feel like I am giving him the liscense to have sex.

They are very affectionate with each other, and they don't hide anything. I was so embarrassed the first time they were kissing in front of me.

It is so hard being a parent of a teenager.

[joey74]

It ultimatley comes down to what you feel comfortable with. You are the only one who really knows your son ((of course we all know that most teenagers these days, especially boys are horn dogs!)) True, that if they want to be together they will find a place; but that doesn't mean you have to give them the opportunity.
As for your little girl, who knows how you will feel ten years from now? She may be the most responsible girl you have ever known and would feel comfortable letting her stay with her boyfriend; then again you may get that uneasy feeling you have now and know you shouldn't do it.
I sure am glad I wont have to worry about this for at least 12 more years ((actually I can't imagine my little girls daddy even letting her go on a date, much less staying all night!---gonna be some trouble there....haha...

[buttrfli]

It ultimatley comes down to what you feel comfortable with. You are the only one who really knows your son ((of course we all know that most teenagers these days, especially boys are horn dogs!)) True, that if they want to be together they will find a place; but that doesn't mean you have to give them the opportunity.
...

ITA!

[lassss]

.

We have had plenty of sex ed talks with him (and her too when questions come up). But the thing that scares me the most is that she is allergic to latex so most condoms are out of the question. I have been told that latex free condoms are on the market, so maybe I will buy some for him. But I don't want him to feel like I am giving him the liscense to have sex.

They are very affectionate with each other, and they don't hide anything. I was so embarrassed the first time they were kissing in front of me.

It is so hard being a parent of a teenager.

You are doing a great job with him with having talks with both him and his gf and it seems you are open and honest. I would rather see him have the protection he needs then to be in the heat of the moment and have no protection. I remember 16 very well and if they are going to be intimate, nothing in the world is gonna stop them. I have a 13 yr old boy and told him outright if the situation should *arise* he best be prepared....but he is young and really doesn't have any interest in GF at the moment....lol PS2 still rocks for him :D

[VALENA-)45]

Follow your mind, Mother always knows best.

[BigLyd1]

I can kind of relate but almost from an opposite angle. I know that SS and his girlfriend get more supervision at her place because mom and dad are home a lot more. DH is rarely home and I work a ten-hour day so I get concerned about any "alone" time they have at our house.

I agree to just go with your gut instinct.

[Njean31]

when i was 17 i stayed the night over at boyfriend's house whose parents slept with one eye and ear open, we waited till around 3-4 am......and poof..they got their very first grandchild. my mother wouldn't allow it at all and i would lie to her and tell her i was spending the night with so and so girlfriend.

now that THAT child is 18 and wants boyfriend to spend the night my answer would normally be no, but we just moved to sc and she stayed in nc with her grandma (due to boyfriend) and they are BOTH coming down here to visit this weekend SO, he will be staying the night :confused: i know that they are having sex because she tells me so and she's on birth control, but i don't want them doing it here so ofcourse he'll be in one room and her in another BUT they'll probably do the old sneakaroo on me. my main concern is setting an example for my younger 2 children, they are not married and shouldn't be allowed to sleep together in front of these other children.

[mblaszczyk]

Wow, I don't have kids and I can only imagine how difficult of a situation this must be for you. I can tell you that as soon as I turned 16 my parents made SURE that I went straight to the "woman doctor" and was given the protection I needed (and I was raised by a very strict father). I didn't feel like it was a licence to run off to have sex but I did feel more comfortable knowing that my parents were being realistic and wouldn't hate me forever if I DID have sex. They didn't let me sleep over boys houses or stay out all night but they knew that sex happens during the day too LOL!! Those kids are going to do what they want no matter what you do; your only defense is a good offense. You seem to have a good relationship with your son (both open and honest) and you're going to have to trust his judgement. I like the idea of calling this girls mom first too. Sometimes I think you have to look beyond what you would want or not want your child to do (in this case become intimate) and see the real picture and how you can best protect your child even if they are or are not doing what you think is best. This is only the beginning (I remember these years all to vividly as I'm only 26). Best of luck and just keep those lines of communication open :)!!

[janelle]

There is no reason for him to sleep over at his girlfriend's. She is only sleeping over at your house cause the school is closer and it helps her parents with transportation. That is the only reason. You must have given them a different message when she started sleeping over. No sleep-overs just to have a sleep-over. That is playing with fire.

I know some parents who want to be friends with their kids and believe all the psychobabble will let their kids have co-ed sleep-overs but in my view they are naive. They let their kids get sexuallized and then hit the roof when a pregnancy happens. Just what did they think was going to happen when the kids are inseprable, day and night?

Stick to your guns, you are a good mother. Don't let them guilt you into it.

[Tasha405]

I agree with Janelle about not letting him stay because he really has no reason to. You allowed the gf to stay because of school activities and only that reason. So I say you are doing the right thing by not letting your son go there.

Good luck and I am so not looking forward to this stuff with my kids. lol {{{Hugs}}}

[MamaFairal]

If you trust him at your house why not at the girls house?

IF (and not saying they are) they are having sex....it could happen anywhere...anytime..not just during sleepovers :(
(probably gonna regret saying that huh)..flame away!

[Tasha405]

If you trust him at your house why not at the girls house?

IF (and not saying they are) they are having sex....it could happen anywhere...anytime..not just during sleepovers :(
(probably gonna regret saying that huh)..flame away!
Oh I understand that too. But letting him go there and stay knowing that he is not going be supervised that much is just asking for trouble. If they are having sex.. make them work for it. LOL Don't just give them the time and place to do it.

Ok, when I say "make them work for it" I mean.. let them find the time and place on their own. Don't just present them with the oppritunity and think nothing will happen.

[justme23]

Wow, reading this thread has shown me just what kind of houses I grew up in. The first 15 years was w/ a father who drilled it in to my head every day that sex was horrible and if I ever got pregnant he would make a judge force me to abort... and the next 6 or so were w/ my aunt and uncle who spent summers at nudist ranches and *gasp* let us have sex in the house so we wouldn't get knocked up in the back seat of a car.

I don't know if you're doing the right thing but YOU as the mother thinks you are and as long as everyones safe due to those decisions then I don't think you are being a hypocrite or doing anything wrong. I spent the night at my boyfriends house one night while my aunt and uncle were out of town and we didn't do the sneakaroo thing... and they didn't even care if we did cause they knew we already were... I just had too much respect for them than to do it in their house cause I knew they didn't like it (that we were having sex, but they realized they couldn't stop it). Not all kids are sneaks.

[CABANN]

I know some parents who want to be friends with their kids and believe all the psychobabble will let their kids have co-ed sleep-overs but in my view they are naive. .

Unforuntatley I think that her mom is more of a friend to her then a parent or she/her mom is trying to make up for all the responsibility her daughter has, help/babysit her 2 autistic brothers and her 5 year old sister. SHe gives her daughter a lot of leway. I know for a matter of fact that if she gets grounded for some reason or another, she knows she can talk her way out of it. Sons girlfriend has told me that herself. I have caught her and my son trying to pull something over on her mom and I talk to them about the punishment that she/he might recieve if they followed thru with it. They listnened to me and didn't go thru with their plan. My son knows if he lies to me about anything, the trouble will be double. Now don't get me wrong he is not perfect and does get into a fair amount of trouble, but he knows he can always be honest with me and I will listen. I might not want to hear what he has to say, but I will listen. Now his girlfriend is the same way. She knows she can talk to me about anything.

As for not trusting them for sleeping at her house, I just don't want them to be more tempted then they already are. They are both good kids but things happen. Maybe I am overprotective (I will be the first person to admitt it), but they are both too young.

[Tasha405]

I see it differently because my bf was allowed to spend the night at my house and I did end up pregnant at a very young age. So I say... don't do it. I wouldn't even let the gf spend the night if it were me. lol

But I do agree that not all kids are sneaks. They may spend the night with each other and nothing ever happen but then again ya never know.

[Blackberry]

My MIL was in a similar situation when her daughter was 15 or 16. "S" was dating the brother of her best friend. "S" would spend the night at her best friends house & anyone with half a brain know's that she is also spending the night with her boyfriend.

Mil asked me for advice about letting "S" spend the night there and I told her that she should not let her. If she wanted to spend the night with her friend then the friend could spend the night at "S"'s house. But Mil said that is not fair to the friend. I said who is more important? your daughter or her friend?

In the end Mil did not take my advice and sure enough guess who got pregnant :rolleyes:

The bottom line: use common sense. Trust your instincts. If you do not feel that your son would get enough supervision at his g/f house then don't let him go. What is more important to you, letting your son go or raising your son the best way you know how?

[Eyore]

I think you need to do what you think is best and you are comfortable with.
I know I wouldn't let me daughter sleep at a boys house and boys were not allowed to sleep at our house.
But that didn't keep her from having sex with guys. I just knew I was not going to make it easy for her to do it.
So follow your heart on it and feeling on it.

[momfromTN]

I have boys too. I would not allow a girl to spend the night, nor would I allow my sons to spend the night with a girl. I mean, it is YOUR house, and I am not telling you what to do, but to me, that is just WAAAAAY too much temptation. I know kids will do it anyway, but why make it easier for them? JMHO.

[queenangie]

I would still buy protection that is 'latex-free' for son.

I tell my teenaged sons, I do not want you to have sex;
BUT, If you do have sex, I would rather you used protection for yourself & your partner against HIV and pregnancy.

Make certain son knows how to apply it properly too.
Better safe than sorry.

Would I let my son stay at the girlfriend's home overnight as described? NO!

[joey74]

It kinda bothers me when people say that they have an open and honest relationship with their kids, and they trust them to do the "right thing". No matter the relationship is, kids know the boundries - if they even suspect they went behond that point they are going to hide it. I know at least with my child that I have to remember first and formost that she is just a child! Her rational and decision making is comming from an inmature mind that is limited to her experience and her peers opinions.
Sex has become some meaningless and "no big deal" to so many teenagers; that really makes me sad! I worry so much about the world/enviornment my daughter is growing up in; and how hard it will be to teach her to love herself enough to wait.
I really hope everything works out for you, Good Luck..

[msmom79]

I raised 2 sons.and i have to say girlfriends sleeping over was a no-no.jmo.from the time my boys were 5&7 my ex and i told them about sex and how to protect themselves,but letting girls sleep over,no way!now days things are very different,so i say to you,if you dont feel that your son will be supervised enough,then tell him no,explain to him why you feel as you do.good luck to you ,ann

[fatesfaery]

I spent the night at DHs parents house while we were dating.We were out late and I lived 30 miles away so his parents decided I should stay there. We were both 20, I slept in his room and he slept on the couch. His dad lined 32 oz glass coke bottles up outside the door and his parents went to bed. There was no sneaking around.

[monii222]

If you trust him at your house why not at the girls house?

IF (and not saying they are) they are having sex....it could happen anywhere...anytime..not just during sleepovers :(
(probably gonna regret saying that huh)..flame away!
ITA!! This is just another way to show your son that you trust him. Call the girls mother and talk to her and tell her your concerns. I am sure she will understand.

[Angelseyes28]

I have no advice at all lol. All I know is at my house, no bf/gf will be staying the night and my kids better not be staying the night at their bf/gf house. I'm too old school to allow stuff like that lol.

[lassss]

.
Sex has become some meaningless and "no big deal" to so many teenagers; that really makes me sad! .

What bothers me is that people don't realize sex is a natural feeling and expression and everyone is trying to stop it or prevent it...You can't stop the inevitable no matter how hard you try.. I still think the best solution is knowledge...teach your children about sexually transmitted diseases, aids, pregnancy and how to avoid them and protect them....abstinence isn't always the solution

[Whitequeen39]

What bothers me is that people don't realize sex is a natural feeling and expression and everyone is trying to stop it or prevent it...You can't stop the inevitable no matter how hard you try.. I still think the best solution is knowledge...teach your children about sexually transmitted diseases, aids, pregnancy and how to avoid them and protect them....abstinence isn't always the solution

We all realize that sex is a natural feeling and expression, BUT you can encourage your teens to have some self control. What is wrong with teaching your teen to wait? If we all gave in to each "natural urge" we had this world would be real chaos. Now if they really want to have sex they will find a way but I agree with so many others here, don't make it easy for them! I have 5 sons, 2 of which are 18 and 23, my 18 yo is still a virgin and my older son was 21 before he had sex and he is in a long-term relationship (been with the girl 5 yrs), that is pretty good for this day and age, though I would like them to wait until marriage to have sex, I know that probably won't happen, so I at least hope they will wait until they are older and have more maturity.

[lassss]

We all realize that sex is a natural feeling and expression, BUT you can encourage your teens to have some self control. What is wrong with teaching your teen to wait? If we all gave in to each "natural urge" we had this world would be real chaos. Now if they really want to have sex they will find a way but I agree with so many others here, don't make it easy for them! I have 5 sons, 2 of which are 18 and 23, my 18 yo is still a virgin and my older son was 21 before he had sex and he is in a long-term relationship (been with the girl 5 yrs), that is pretty good for this day and age, though I would like them to wait until marriage to have sex, I know that probably won't happen, so I at least hope they will wait until they are older and have more maturity.


I think that is wonderful that your 18 yr old is waiting till he finds the right one..but for those who can't or won't wait, trying to hide them away isn't really realistic. I am not saying to encourage kids to run out and have sex, but if they are gonna do it anyway, they should be informed. I remember wayyyyyyyyy back when I was 16, I had sex but I also didn't go into it blindly. I insisted on condoms as I was not going to be a teenage mom. My parents were soo strict but I found ways around them. :cool:

[janelle]

www.greattowait.com

A good web site. My friend's son dated a girl whose father would always say when she went out the door on a date to "make him proud". He had the talk with her and she would say her dad would killl her if she fooled around. She was mostly joking but she knew he would be disappointed.

Does this girl have a strong father in her life? It really helps when fathers get involved. They waited and now have three children after they married. She always says it was because of her father and wanting to make him proud.

[Alessandra]

My observation on this particular issue is the fact that it appears you do not trust your son. That is troubling. Has he given you any reason not to trust him ? If they're going to have sex there is really nothing you can do to prevent it - they will find a way. Denying the sleepover is not going to do it. It's more important to teach him how to behave responsibly by protecting himself and the young lady from both pregnancy and disease.

I'm sure every parent wants their child to practice abstinence but I think we all know that only a small percentage of adolescents are willing to make that commitment. Sad but true statistics. Teaching your son to protect himself is (unfortunately) the best thing you could do as his mother.

I would give the young lady's parents a call and very lightly indicate you just want to make sure they keep an ear out. Make it a bit of a joke about teen hormones etc. and see what the reaction is. The fact that the mom has 2 disabled children doesn't mean she is incapable of keeping an ear & eye on her daughter and your son.

Good luck ! Sounds like you've done ok for your son's first 16 years and I'm sure the rest will be just as good !

[kriskay]

My kids are only 8 and 5. But, I think in that situation, at that age, I would probably let him stay, provided that I talked to the mother first and made my wishes clear. When I was 15, my mom let me go up north with a boyfriend to a wedding. She called his parents first and made it clear that she didn't want us sleeping together, and we never tried to sneak in together. We weren't having sex and that wasn't about to make us start.

[Whitequeen39]

I think that is wonderful that your 18 yr old is waiting till he finds the right one..but for those who can't or won't wait, trying to hide them away isn't really realistic. I am not saying to encourage kids to run out and have sex, but if they are gonna do it anyway, they should be informed. I remember wayyyyyyyyy back when I was 16, I had sex but I also didn't go into it blindly. I insisted on condoms as I was not going to be a teenage mom. My parents were soo strict but I found ways around them. :cool:

Well I totally agree with having teens be well informed, I have had many discussions with mine and they feel comfortable coming to me and talking. My 18 yo knows how I feel, but at the same time he also knows that if he is going to have sex to make sure he has the proper protection. I think him being around his younger brothers (1, 3 and 10) makes him know he is in no way ready for little ones, lol! I am confident when he does have sex he will be responsible...I still hope it's not in the near future :eek: !

[joey74]

What bothers me is that people don't realize sex is a natural feeling and expression and everyone is trying to stop it or prevent it...You can't stop the inevitable no matter how hard you try.. I still think the best solution is knowledge...teach your children about sexually transmitted diseases, aids, pregnancy and how to avoid them and protect them....abstinence isn't always the solution

What bothers me is that people forget that you can educate children as much as you want; but the fact still remains that its still an inmature mind.

How many teenagers do you know that are in monogomus relationships that last for the long term? Very Few. And once they have began a sexual relationship with one bf/gf its hard for them not to take it to that level with the next.

Yes sex is natural and so is the urge to express it - But - it should Not be encouraged in someone who is not mature enough to deal with the ramifications. No matter how much you teach a teenager about aid's and stds and pregnancy, very few actually believe it could happen to them. If the statistics are not enough to prove that fact, then I don't what is.
jmo

[janelle]

There is a certain type of STDs that can effect ones future fertility, it causes miscarriages. They should also be taught about that as well if we want to be truthful and straighforward with out teens. No birth control stops STDs.