What are the expectations of being a grandmother?

[justhisone]

My son in law does not like me. He is an older first time parent. And he is extremely protective or overly possessive. My grandchildren are 2 1/2 yrs and 5 months. I am criticized for everything I do when we visit. We have to drive 9 hours to see them. My son in law has been so rude and made so many ugly comments that we have decided that our visits from now on will involve staying only about 2 days and staying in a hotel and visiting during the day while the sil is at work. He told my daughter after our last visit that he would like for us to come only during the week when he is at work. We go to our bedroom about 6:30 as soon as supper is over. He only wants us to come there because he will not let my daughter bring the children to our home. I raised 3 children. I never expected any kind of problem like this and don't know how to deal with it. My sil and I had no problems until after the children were born. We had a good relationship up until then. Now today my daughter told me she wants me to write out a list of what my expectations are of being a grandmother. She is in the middle of this and it is not fair to her. She says her grandparents were important to her and she wants her children to feel the same way and know us the same way. I want to be the same kind of grandmother to my grandchildren as their grandmothers were.
Yes there are always 2 sides. Do I write a list and if so what do I say? Yes I know what I want to say but I don't know how to make it sound nice.
Thanks for any advice. My daughter and I are both so upset about this situation. It has been going on since the first baby was born and I can't take it much longer.

[nanajoanie]

Welcome to the BBS family "justhisone".

So sorry about your problem with the SIL. Mostly all it takes to be a grandmother is lots of love and understanding. You need to be there for the babies with lots of huggles. I would ask and maybe demand what he expects of you. Then you might compromise. And maybe not saying anything that he can misenterpret. But if the grandbabies were ever in danger, all feelings would go out the proverbial window. They would feel my rath. Best of luck hon. Huggles to you from another Nana.

[kimp67]

Wow this post really got my goose!!! He "will not let your DD bring the kids to your house?" Unless your house is not a safe environment, where does he get off? I can't believe your dd would let him get away with that! He only wants you there when he's at work? OMG What an oaf! I don't quite understand your DD not wanting to be in the middle of this, IMO it's her JOB to figure out what the heck this jerk's problem is!!
A grandparent's only job is to love, spoil & be there for their grandkids!
Good Luck

[JKATHERINE]

I'm so sorry for your situation! :( I think that as a grandparent you are supposed to love, adore and keep safe your grandchildren.

My aunt Pam is in a similar situation. Her daughter and SIL live in HER house with their 1 yr old son and the SIL won't let my aunt spend any time with the baby. She gets him dressed in the mornings before daycare, but the SIL is NOT allowed to find out. :( My aunt is a great mom and a doting grandmother, so I don't know what the SIL's problem is. It's sad.

On the other hand, I WILL NOT allow my MIL alone with my baby. She has proven to be mentally unstable and will not admit to having any problems and therefore will not seek treatment...but that's another story...

I really hope things work out for you!

[ahippiechic]

I hope things work out for the best for you, but I don't see how your DD can NOT take sides in this. These are HER children also, not just his. She should have some say in whether or not they visit you in your home, and what kind of relationship they have with you, etc.

[Tasha405]

I hope things work out for the best for you, but I don't see how your DD can NOT take sides in this. These are HER children also, not just his. She should have some say in whether or not they visit you in your home, and what kind of relationship they have with you, etc. ITA! She really needs to put her foot down and confront him about his feelings toward you. Perhaps he should be the one making the list so everyone can figure out whats wrong with the whole situation. I wish you the best of luck and welcome to BBS! :)

[JewRican]

My expectations of a grandma is a ready lap, warm hugs and plenty of kisses. If she bakes cookies that is a plus!

[ckerr4]

I guess it would help if we knew what the SIL thought you were "doing wrong," so to speak. Not that I'm saying you are doing anything wrong (and obviously your daughter doesn't think you are), but he seems to think yoou are. So what is his problem? As a mother, things that I appreciate from both my mom and MIL are that they don't butt in with unsolicited advice. They both give great advice, mind you, but they know that I'm independent, and they respect that. They wait for me to ask them, and then they give me advice. They stick up for me to other family members. They offer to watch my son, so that I don't feel I'm placing a burden on them by asking. On my son's behalf, I think I can safely say that his grandmas are fun people who love him and take him to the playground. They buy him books and watch cartoons with him. They get him Happy Meals and remember his favorite things to do. They give lots of hugs.

I don't think you can make a presentation or a bulleted list for the man. Being a grandma is just, well, being a grandma. A list seems unreasonable. If he didn't have a grandma, what kind would he have liked? Your daughter can tell him about grandmas. He doesn't need a contract from you. You'll just love the kids. That's the way it is. :confused:

[Wimzik]

I think you should forget about the list and you should all sit down and talk and find out what the real problem is. Being a Grandma is in your heart, not something you write on a list, it's about hugs and kisses and playing games, taking walks, laughing, and wiping away tears, it's about days like today, when I was in a bad mood and I walked in the door and my Granddaughter came running to me and threw her arms around me, and my bad mood instantly disappeared. There are no word to describe the special bond between a child and their Grandma/Grandpa. I hope you can all work it out, for the sake of the kids.

[mesue]

Perhaps you should write him a list of what you expect from a sIL and so far he is really hitting 0. I think your plan of visitng only during the week and times he is at work is a good one, the fact that you go to your room after supper tells me that you feel very uncomfortable around him. The biggest problem I have with this situation is that your daughter has let it get to this point, I'm concerned for her, is she being abused, does she have no say so in her own household or over her children? You might want to very gently encourage her to seek counseling, it sounds like a bigger problem than SIL hating you. Most wives would tell him he had to behave cordially and find something to keep himself busy if he did not want to be around her parents while they visit. Good Luck hope everything works out well for you.

[janelle]

I'd like to ask him, what are the expectations of a son-in-law? He obviously doesn't know. My hubby treats my mother with respect. He may not always like her but he treats her nicely.

It's so sad when people use children as pawns for their problems. Keep the children out of the middle of all this. Is he the perfect father? Probably not. What does he expect? Didn't he have any grandparents?

I knew a man who made his mother answer a list of questions he sent to her. He was insulted about the Christmas gift she gave to her grandson and told her not to come back. That sure teaches the child how to treat people. :mad:

To win her way back into his good graces she had to answer those questions. Just nonsense. Your daughter needs to tell him where to get off. She is also the child's parent and has a say.

[DivineMsDi]

Time for your dd to step up and tell him off. Sounds like he's a control freak! If he is older than she is, maybe she is intimidated.???

Sounds like he is threatened by you because you can see through him. :eek:

Was he always like this prior to the kids?

Some grandmas don't care and don't do a darn thing. Others are overboard. Do you have other grandkids?

Good luck.

[queenangie]

My gut feeling is that your daughter & grandchildren are being verbally abused
and maybe physically abused. That SIL is a control freak and wants things
only his way.

Please keep us posted!

[Tadbit]

I think you should forget about the list and you should all sit down and talk and find out what the real problem is. Being a Grandma is in your heart, not something you write on a list, it's about hugs and kisses and playing games, taking walks, laughing, and wiping away tears, it's about days like today, when I was in a bad mood and I walked in the door and my Granddaughter came running to me and threw her arms around me, and my bad mood instantly disappeared. There are no word to describe the special bond between a child and their Grandma/Grandpa. I hope you can all work it out, for the sake of the kids.

I think what Wimzik said is a very eloquent way to tell you sil what a grandma is expected to be. As for your sil, I agree with the other posters. He is a control freak, and I fear for what your daughter is going through, when you are not around. You need to talk to your daughter and make sure she isn't being abused, physically or verbally. If this is the case, you need to get her and those kids away from him. My grandkid's father was abusive, and I can tell you, it gets worse before it gets better. I now have custody of my grandkids, which isn't what I wanted, but they needed stability and love, and that's what I'm giving them. They are no longer in the midst of the abuse, they seen every day when they are little, but they still have emotional scars from it. Get some help for your daughter and grandkids. Sounds like they need it.

[MamaFairal]

How involved are the other Grandparents if there are any?

[justhisone]

It is impossible to put down our whole 6 yr history in just a few short paragraphs. To answer some of the other questions from above I will say the following. His mother, the other grandmother has visited 2 times in 6 yr and that was for the birth for each child and she stayed 1 day and 1 night and was not trusted to take the oldest grandchild to breakfast while my daughter was in the hospital having the second one. My sil moved 10 hrs away from his family because he wanted to distance himself from them. He does have some contact with them by phone or email. Yes he is 8 yrs older than my daughter. Yes she has been in an abusive relationship before with her first marriage and wouldn't tell us, her parents. I have talked with her about this relationship and marriage because she never stands up to him when we are there but she says she does when we aren't there , that she just keeps peace when we are there. I have seen him when he has lost his temper with the oldest child, but he has never hit her. They don't spank. They have time outs. He did hate her when she was born because she didn't respond to him the way he expected she would and he will admit that now. He was very jealous of me at first because as an infant I could quiet her crying when he couldn't. With the birth of the second child he reacted the same way. When the baby was about 2 months old he walked past him in his swing and said I know you hate me. He does keep guns in the house. I do fear for all of them if she were to say she was leaving because I don't think he could tolerate that.
He is a recovering alcoholic and has his 11 yr coin. He is very proud of this. He was already recovering when my daughter met him. I loved him very much before the children came. It was after they came that he became so possessive of everything. For some reason he feels threatened by me. He appears to have no problem with my husband, my daughter's father. Thanks to all of you who answered. Every thought gives me something else to consider. I am determined this situation will work out. I have waited to long for these grandchildren. They are my only ones but I do have another coming from my son. The other grandmother has about 15.
Thanks all.

[antlovers]

WHOA...this guy has some SERIOUS issues. Obviously women make him VERY uncomfortable...he doesn't even trust his own mother? He moved 10 hours away to get away from his family?

And then his reaction to his newborn children...VERY SCARY. Your daughter needs to wake up and smell the coffee before something bad happens. The guy sounds like a total basketcase to me.

Good luck...to you...your daughter and those poor children.

[Smile]

Now today my daughter told me she wants me to write out a list of what my expectations are of being a grandmother. She is in the middle of this and it is not fair to her. She says her grandparents were important to her and she wants her children to feel the same way and know us the same way. I want to be the same kind of grandmother to my grandchildren as their grandmothers were. Yes there are always 2 sides. Do I write a list and if so what do I say? Yes I know what I want to say but I don't know how to make it sound nic

My first thought was that if I were you I would turn it around on her and tell her you want a list from her of what she expects of you instead.

My second thought was that you write what you did here. That you want to be the same kind of grandmother to her children that your mother was to her.

First, let me say that it is commendable that your SIL is an 11 year sober alcoholic and he has a lot to be proud of in that regard.

BUT he has serious problems and needs counseling. It is not normal to hate a child when she was born because she didn't respond to him the way he expected she would. Walk past a 2 month old child and say "I know you hate me." Be jealous of you because you could quiet a crying child when he couldn't. He may realize now that he was wrong but it is obvious he hasn't learned he is still making mistakes.

It sounds like you are bending over backward to keep peace and still be a part of your grandchildren's life and you are in the middle of this, not her. It's time for your daughter to deal with the real problem in this case, her husband, instead of giving you stupid childish assignments.

Whatever happens, I hope things work out for all of you and everybody remains safe. You will find the right way for you to handle this. Hugs.

[twinkiesmom]

Let me tell you my situation. My dh is 8yrs older than me and is recovering from alcohol and narcotics and is working on 19yrs being clean. When we had the twins, (both were our first children) he was 40. There was a bit of animosity between my mother and dh after the kids were born cuz my mother would always be there to put her two cents in when it wasn't needed. This is what my dh was thinking, 'these are my kids . . . . if I want to leave em in just their diaper when it's 80 degree weather in my own house, I'm gonna. I don't need u to tell me they NEED to have a onsie on.' I did have to step in and tell my mother to back off and it got alot better after she chose to stay away for awhile. But what it was in my situation was my mother wouldn't let us be the parents. She wanted to. And that didn't set well w/me or my dh. If your sil feels threatened by u, could it be maybe because he feels u step on some parenting toes? If you go to their house, pls remember that it is their house and it is their family and even tho the best advice u could give may not be welcome advice. Wait til it's asked of u. Just be the grandma. Go and have fun w/the kiddies, but don't try to take over. But it does kinda sound like something more is going on, if dd can't bring the kids to your house. Somewhere she's gotta draw the line too. Is your house a house that is smoked in and dd/sil are non-smokers? It could be something little like that. But u need to find out the reason behind it. And if it is something u could correct . . . . go from there. Sounds like u and dd need to have a heart to heart talk. Invite her to lunch sometime and maybe u can find out what the problem is.

[cinnamonch]

Instead of your daughter asking you to write a list out for what your expectations are as a grandparent, it seems to me that she needs to get you and the SIL together and find out why he has an issue with you and to tell you face to face instead of this he say/she say business. Additionally it would give you the opportunity to voice your concerns/cares regarding your grandchildren directly to him and this would keep your daughter from being in the middle.

It does sound from your writing that the SIL has deeper issues than what is being said and one of them is that of control. He can control you and your husband because he knows how much you want to see them and you have already adjusted to his ways by only coming when he is not there, getting hotel room, etc. He is also controlling your daughter the same way and she isnt speaking up for herself. This in itself is a form of abuse and can grow to something worse if not handled immediately.

[andreame70]

Wow, this is actually the first time I have ever sat here reading a post and started crying. I too remember being that little girl who ran through the door into the open arms of my grandma. She always made me feel like I was the most important person in her life. God how I miss those days. I am 33 now and my grandma passed away from cancer when I was 23. She and I were so close and her death shook the very core of my being. I still have trouble dealing with it, especially around holidays, birthdays. etc.

I am still trying to figure out exactly what this "list" thing is all about. It sounds childish and silly to me that something like that would be requested from you. It seems as though your son in law wants you to fill out an application or give him some kind of sales presentation in order for him to see if you "qualify" to be a grandmother to his children. This is insane. Your daughter needs to take a stand and stop enabling him to be this way toward all of you, including her and the children.

Like others have said, it is time to sit face to face and get to the core of the problem before it creates a negative impression on the children. You have rights as a grandparent and no matter how he feels, you cannot allow him to bridge a gap between you and those kids. They need you.

You need to find out what it is that the son in law now has a problem with. Like you said, the two of you got along before the children were born, something happened between them coming along and now. Sit with them and have that talk. It is important to everyone involved that the problem be smoothed out before it escalates into something more. If he is unwilling to meet you half way and at least discuss the problem, then that should be a red flag to your daughter that perhaps she made an error in judgment by marrying him. Hopefully, he will be decent enough to at least try and work it out.

Does your daughter feel that he is being somewhat unreasonable where this is concerned? If she doesn't think so, then maybe you need to send her the link to this post so that she can read these opinions for herself. Sometimes having an unbiased opinion from others can help people make better decisions.

I wish you much luck! Always remember that regardless of his idiosyncrasies, you are their grandma and you will not let him stop you from spending time with them, whether he likes it or not.

Andrea

[joey74]

I think the whole situation is very sad. Children need their grand parents. My little girl has grandparents who chose not to be involved. Not a day goes by that my dd doesn't ask if we can go see "grandma" and it breaks my heart to have to tell her no because they "have their own lives" ((I don't say that to her)). My husband and I both had wonderful experiences with ours and wish our daughter could experience the same.
I don't have any great words of advice for you; yet I will say your SIL behavior doesn't seem "normal". I wish you the best of luck that everything turns out well. It may be a pain to go through all of this hassell, but those babies sure are worth it....
Good Luck

[LuvBigRip]

WHOA...this guy has some SERIOUS issues. Obviously women make him VERY uncomfortable...he doesn't even trust his own mother? He moved 10 hours away to get away from his family?

And then his reaction to his newborn children...VERY SCARY. Your daughter needs to wake up and smell the coffee before something bad happens. The guy sounds like a total basketcase to me.

Good luck...to you...your daughter and those poor children.
I agree. This man has some scary tendancies. Control, severe jealosy and the lack of unconditional love for his family are just a few. I mean I know all families don't get along, but he doesn't trust his own Mother??? I mean she did raise him, but maybe that is one of his problem's, the kind of childhood he had. Sadly, it won't get better with any list, unless it is one for him on ways to seek help. Personally I see definate signs of mental disorder and pathological social traits.


When the baby was about 2 months old he walked past him in his swing and said I know you hate me. He does keep guns in the house. I do fear for all of them if she were to say she was leaving because I don't think he could tolerate that.
This says to me that you already fear the man, and know in your gut he is "off" He probably feels threatened by you, because your DD may listen to you.

[lgc5564]

I hope things work out for you.
I think you should print these responces and send them to your DD
maybe she will find the courage or strength in some of them to stand up and say thats my mom and she has every right to visit and feel welcome in MY home.Not only for the grandkids but for the two of you.

[jedmatters]

Possible SANE answers:
His parents seldom visit. And he may see your visits as unfair and unequal. That may upse him. It might not even be you, just that his family is not involved as much.
Also, it may be the way he was raised. Families stay out of the picture, and no one visits or has input into the marriage or child raising.
Maybe there are issues with his world or society that he is dealing with that he takes out on your visits.
Or it could be that your son in law loves your daughter enough to take the blame? Maybe she feels overwhelmed and he stepped up and said that he will be the bad guy for her. Since she asked you to create the list, then that is a possibility. Maybe she is having an issue and can not come forward with it, and he did for her.


You said he responds well to your husband, so here is a solution:
Have your husband call him, and ask for an adult time (no grand children) that the four of you can air out the situation and find common ground and compromises. Do not expect them to just give in, allow them to set up the rules, just express your feelings about wanting to be a part of the family. They are the parents and if either one wants things a certain way, and the other spouse supports their decision you must back away. Getting the four of you in a room will open the communication better. If that is not possible, then get together on the telephone, all four of you. And listen to him and not just what he says, but what he is saying. Listent o her as well. You might learn something, without jumping to conclusions about their home life and his "controlling" nature. He may not be the one behind it at all. It may be something completely different that you think. And without asking, you will just hurt the situation more by assuming.

[momfromTN]

Possible SANE answers:
His parents seldom visit. And he may see your visits as unfair and unequal. That may upse him. It might not even be you, just that his family is not involved as much.
Also, it may be the way he was raised. Families stay out of the picture, and no one visits or has input into the marriage or child raising.
Maybe there are issues with his world or society that he is dealing with that he takes out on your visits.
Or it could be that your son in law loves your daughter enough to take the blame? Maybe she feels overwhelmed and he stepped up and said that he will be the bad guy for her. Since she asked you to create the list, then that is a possibility. Maybe she is having an issue and can not come forward with it, and he did for her.


You said he responds well to your husband, so here is a solution:
Have your husband call him, and ask for an adult time (no grand children) that the four of you can air out the situation and find common ground and compromises. Do not expect them to just give in, allow them to set up the rules, just express your feelings about wanting to be a part of the family. They are the parents and if either one wants things a certain way, and the other spouse supports their decision you must back away. Getting the four of you in a room will open the communication better. If that is not possible, then get together on the telephone, all four of you. And listen to him and not just what he says, but what he is saying. Listent o her as well. You might learn something, without jumping to conclusions about their home life and his "controlling" nature. He may not be the one behind it at all. It may be something completely different that you think. And without asking, you will just hurt the situation more by assuming.


That was about the BEST response I have read. There is always more than meets the eye, in most cases.

[Kelsey1224]

You said he responds well to your husband, so here is a solution:
Have your husband call him, and ask for an adult time (no grand children) that the four of you can air out the situation and find common ground and compromises. Do not expect them to just give in, allow them to set up the rules, just express your feelings about wanting to be a part of the family. They are the parents and if either one wants things a certain way, and the other spouse supports their decision you must back away. Getting the four of you in a room will open the communication better. If that is not possible, then get together on the telephone, all four of you. And listen to him and not just what he says, but what he is saying. Listent o her as well. You might learn something, without jumping to conclusions about their home life and his "controlling" nature. He may not be the one behind it at all. It may be something completely different that you think. And without asking, you will just hurt the situation more by assuming.

I agree with this as well. I think this solution gives you, as grandparents, a voice. But it also shows that you are trying to work with your SIL and that you are willing to listen to his point of view.

I am a grandma and can't imagine being restricted from my grandson (and future grandbaby).

I did let it be known from the start that I would respect their decisions on child-rearing and that I would not interfere, but asked that they also respect that I have experience as well. So...there might be times that I offered advice. I've made sure that those times are few and far between.

I think a grandparent's role is simply to give plenty of unconditional love and support...not just to the grandchild...but to the parents as well. For the first two years of TJ's life, my daughter and SIL lived just minutes from our home. It was convenient for all of us. Then, they moved about 40 minutes away. We ended up moving ourselves just a little over a year later.

My daughter and SIL appreciate having us close because they know that we are there whenever they need us.

[buglebe]

I agree with SMILE.
She said get daughter to write a list of what the expectations of sil and daughter are from the grandmother.
And also tell her daughter she wants to be a grandmother like the grandmothers the daughter had.
There are so many different personalities and so many different ways of dealing with different problems.
Time and patience do sometimes heal all wounds. Since there is a big distance (driving) between the grandparents and the children and grandchildren maybe just staying away for a while will help. But of course you can't stay away too long because then getting back together will be harder.
Keeping your distance but staying close by phone might give time for things to simmer down.
I would not suggest a sit down with all if as it seems the grandmother feels intimidated by the sil now. And if the son in law is unstable???

[Blondiex46]

There are so many things going on and probably alot more that you have no idea of in their home. Your daughter is the one that I would talk to initially because she is your daughter. I would ask WHY that even came up in the first place, unless it is me I am not understanding why someone would ask someone to do that. It is not that you stay that long, it could be alot of things, maybe jealousy with him and you even going to see them, who knows, but I would start with your daughter.

My daughter (26) does not like the way I raised her (who knows that she is talking about raised all three of the older ones the same), so she chooses not to speak to me. She had a baby my only grandson (have 2 grandaughters) and you got it, I don't see him. I can if I go to her home and I choose not too because she tells me all the time that I am an awful mother and called me a liar and I will not be abused by anyone, so I had to make the choice to just stay away and unfortunatally who knows if and when I will see him. I want an apology from her and that will not happen. She lives about 45 min from me, but now it is like they are 3,000 away. You still have an open relationship with your daughter, that is why I am saying speak with her cause IMO you will not get anywhere with her husband. Don't let this get too out of hand, good luck