Am I wrong to be upset by this? (LONG)

[jonette5]

My oldest stepdaughter (I have 2) is getting married in October. My other stepdaughter and my daughter are two of the seven bridesmaids. I get a letter in the mail yesterday about the up coming bridal shower. It states date and time and then goes on the list everyone in the wedding party and what they are supposed to bring to the shower as far as food, drink, decor, etc...Well it listed me as bringing the drinks, coffee, tea and soda...now I do not mind doing this but I was never even asked about it. I just get the letter stating that is what I am to bring. I was never even asked if I could or would help out! Also I thought the shower was the responsability of bridesmaids not the stepmom of bride. Like I said not that I mind doing it though! I asked my daughter if she knew anything about this and she said no one has even talked to her about it. Apparently just two of the seven girls (my stepdaughter and her aunt) have taken it upon themselves to plan this without including any of the other girls. I don't think that is right...for them to plan it and then just TELL everyone what to do and bring. If I was a couple of the other girls I would tell them to shove it cuz of how they stated things and made demands in the letter. One of the girls lives in North Carolina (my daughter in law) and will not be able to be here for the shower but they told her to order plates, cups and napkins on line and have them shipped here! Can you believe that? How rude! One of the others they told her to buy the cake and to call them so they can tell her which one to buy! I would tell them if I am buying it I will buy which ever darn cake I want!
The letter goes on to give details of the bachelorette party for that night and how much each girl has to pay (it is costing over $600 and that does not include their drinks...but that is another whole vent in itself!) Any way my DD is not included in the party cuz she is not 21. Her feelings are very hurt cuz she was told they would plan part of it so she could be included too and they just totally did not do anything like that at all. At least they did not ask her for any money for it or they would probably be pooping those letters cuz she or I would have crammed them down their throats! LOL!
Anyway my point is...am I wrong to be upset about all this? Am I just being silly and should just ingnore their ignorance? I know I won't say anything cuz I am sure the stepdaughter that is getting married knows nothing of this and I would NEVER want to hurt her feelings or start something and ruin things for her. I know I have to just drop it and go on...but I am really ticked about it. I guess I just really need to vent to someone...thanks for vent/whine! LOL!
If you got this far thanks for reading!

[andreame70]

That the is the craziest thing I have ever heard! Talk about tacky. I suppose it would not be a bad thing had they talked to everyone first and asked if they minded it being done this way, but to just send out a letter demanding this and that, geez.

I would be upset too, you are not wrong for feeling this way. If the bride to be doesn't know that things are being handled this way, maybe she needs to know. Personally I would be embarrassed as heck if I knew that my wedding/shower plans were being dictated to my friends and family like this.

Andrea

[gonnascream]

http://www.etiquettehell.com/

ok, that site has BRIDEZILLA"S on it. something Im fering she is turning out to be. go read some of the post, and then let her read it.

[justme23]

If it were me... stepdaughter or not... I would send a 'Thank you for the invitation but I will not be able to make it find your own (bleepin) drinks'... but then, I don't take demands very well. If anyone EVER had the nerve to do this... no, I probably wouldn't even send a decline note, I'd probably just show up long enough to drop off a gift and hug the bride and leave.

What I'd probably recommend is a discussion w/ her father so that he can tell them how wrong it was and then YOU don't look bad.

[MsLynn]

I think i would get everyone else together, except those 2, and plan one the "right" way. sounds more like they are doing what they want instead of what the bride wants.

talk to your step daughter and see what she wants and do it her way and leave the other 2 to be the only ones in attendence at their own parties

[justinenycole26]

Very rude indeed. It is up to you how you handle it, depending on how important it is to protect the bride's feelings, but I would cretainly tell my other SD how tacky it was to do such a thing on the invitation.

[Kelsey1224]

Extremely tacky and very rude. Someone needs to confront them...

[buttrfli]

Extremely tacky and very rude. Someone needs to confront them...

ITA!

[ckerr4]

Yes it is tacky, but if you really think your stepdaughter doesn't have anything to do about it, then bring just what you can to keep the peace, and don't say anything, so that you don't sink tho the other girls' level of rudeness. Then, as a special treat for you daughters and stepdaughters, why not take them all out for a special luncheon or evening? Maybe to a tea room or something really girly? Since your youngest daughter can't go to the bachelorette party because of age, this might be a nice way for her to spend some time with her sister, a way for the bride to relax without the strss of one more party, and a way for you to spend some time with the bride without some snotty bridesmaid telling you what to bring, lol. These showers always get out of hand :rolleyes:

[qwestgirl]

I would simply take a can of soda and a cup of coffee!! That'll teach her to tell you what to bring!! Just tell her that DUE TO THE LACK OF COMMUNICATION you thought it was a pot luck party!! LOL :eek:

[jonette5]

I just want to clear up to everyone that this letter was not the actual invitation to the shower just a "memo" to the bridemaids and mothers. I still feel it was rude and tacky. If it would have been the actual invite, I would for sure say something cuz that would REALLY be bad. Of course I have the actual invite to look forward to...no telling what it might say! LOL!

I am going to try and find out if the bride knows anything about this letter and how things are being planned. If she does not, I think I will let her know about it and how those two are treating the other girls. If she does know about it then I don't know quite what to say or do, if anything.

[jonette5]

I would simply take a can of soda and a cup of coffee!! That'll teach her to tell you what to bring!! Just tell her that DUE TO THE LACK OF COMMUNICATION you thought it was a pot luck party!! LOL :eek:


HA, HA, HA, HA, ROFLMAO!!!!!!! I so wish I had the guts to do something like this! :D

[MamaFairal]

Flame away people.............


I just dont see what the problem is with all this........sorry!

Throwing a shower is the bridesmaids and mothers doing and if these people arent rich i see no problem in having everyone bring something to conbribute.
The memo only went to the bridesmaids and mothers correct? So in other words their not asking "ALL" the guest to bring something correct.Only asking the bridesmaids and mothers to help with supplies.

JMHO

[jonette5]

I Only asking the bridesmaids and mothers to help with supplies.

JMHO


That is where I have the problem.....I was not ASKED I was TOLD! I have no problem helping out if asked but I do not want to be told I have to do something like this. Also the shower plans should be discussed with ALL the folks involved not just decided on by two of them and then orders dictated to the rest.

[fatesfaery]

Whoever is hosting the shower is responible for the costs involved. It is extremely tacky to host a shower and demand supplies from people.
If they can't afford to buy the items needed for the shower, why are they giving it? And if everyone else is to supply the items you mentioned, what are these two contributing?
I would let your daughter throw your stepdaughter a lingere shower...tell these two bridesmaids that you can't contribute items to their shower since you have to buy supplies for the lingere shower.

[Willow]

Although I don't agree with being told and not asked what to bring I would probably just go along with it as to not cause any chaos. I'm sure there is enough of that for everyone who is involved. If you don't like how it's being handled then maybe you and the rest of the bridesmaids that aren't involved in the shower planning could do something for the bride on your own. As someone else suggested you could go to a tea room or you could host a luncheon at your place or do something like that.

[schsa]

I might call and tell them that I would have preferred to have been informed of what was going on and have the option of what to bring. And I might also tell them that I thought it was tacky to ask someone who will not be attending to provide plates and napkins and just send them along.

You can do your part but you can also make sure that they know that you are not the least bit pleased with the way they did it. And that you will be surprised if other people don't back out because of the way it was handled. ;)

[1tiredmom]

I might call and tell them that I would have preferred to have been informed of what was going on and have the option of what to bring. And I might also tell them that I thought it was tacky to ask someone who will not be attending to provide plates and napkins and just send them along.

You can do your part but you can also make sure that they know that you are not the least bit pleased with the way they did it. And that you will be surprised if other people don't back out because of the way it was handled. ;)

I would call and ask when was this meeting took place of who is bringing what and so on-becasue you don't remember getting a phone call or a note about a meeting for this occassion and how about everybody meeting one sunday to get everything in order also it really necceassary (sp)for the out of town person to be told what she HAS to bring when she won't even be there :eek: :(
that would be the polite and tactful way of doing it then there is the barking way to do it but i won't put in public view i do that enough already-but it would be along the lines of one of the others that posted bring one soda .etc....u=

[peaceluver]

LOL this belongs on etiquettehell.com. I am sorry to be laughing as I would be very mad if this letter was sent to me. Its just so wrong.

[queenangie]

Those two party planners have no manners whatsoever!

If it were me, in order to make this a great bridal shower For The Bride,
(since these 2 party planners can't handle it alone), I would bring
the drinks of my own choice - probably iced tea and a good punch.

If you only bring 2 cans of pop, it would really embarass the bride
at her own shower. Doesn't sound that it is her fault at all.

Who on the list is bringing party favors & prizes? I'd find something
really appropriate to give these 'two party planners like boob prizes.' LOL!

Let us know how it all turns out too!

[jonette5]

I am really glad to see that I am not the only person who thought this was tacky and rude. I thought maybe my PMS this week was playing a role in it! LOL LOL! :D

Now I need to know how to confront this without sounding like too much of a "B". Just to let you know, my stepdaughter (the one having the shower not the one getting married) and I don't see eye to eye very much. She has not liked me since her dad and I got together. No matter what I say to her it is wrong in her opinion. I could tell her she was the most perfect person around and kiss her butt all over and still she finds something wrong in what I do or say. What I would really like to do is just send her the link to this thread so she can see it is just not my opinion, but that of others too, but that would probably start a war like no other with her! I will need to be very careful how I word things and be very tactful (which I am not so good at LOL). Anyone have any suggestions?

[andreame70]

Would your husband mind talking to her about it. She may listen to him as opposed to you. Coming from you, she would just get mad and dismiss it. Coming from her Dad, she may listen.

One way or the other, I think that the one getting married should know how this is being handled. It could save her some embarrassment in the long run. I know I would be mortified if I knew my shower plans and supplies were being dictated to my friends and family like that.

You are not the only one that is feeling this way. I imagine that most of the people who received the letter were put off by it too. Many of them may not even show up because of how it was handled. How embarrassing that would be for the bride.

I know they have problems in the head if they think it is okay to send out a letter telling someone what they expect them to bring without even asking these people if they are willing to help with sharing the costs of the supplies to begin with. That is just wrong.

Good luck!

Andrea

[Smile]

I think the first thing you should do is talk with your husband about this. Because of the relationship between you and the non-marrying step-daughter, he would be the one to deal with her.

Is there a way you can talk with the other's on the list of what to bring without causing problems? I am sure they are just as mad about this. Maybe all of you can call a meeting with the step-daughter and aunt and say that more planning needs to go into this. There is safety in numbers. It's been my experience that the people giving the party are the one's who paid for it. But all people involved in paying had an equal say in the plans.

Not being able to see your original post right now, what is with the $600 party before drinks? Is that the bachelorette party? Totally unbelievable.

I can understand why the bridesmaid's AND their mother's are being asked to pay for these things. Being a bridesmain is expensive enough but I have never heard of the mother's being expected to pay for these things as well.

I sure hate to see what is going to be expected of all of you when the step-daughter plans her own wedding. You will probably be expected to pay for a world cruise and a million dollar house for her.

Sorry for venting myself here. I just can't believe some people. And haven't had my coffee yet. Whatever happens, I hope that things work out and this doesn't cause a backlash against the bride or family problems that have a chance of lasting for years.

[Tadbit]

Is there a way you can talk with the other's on the list of what to bring without causing problems? I am sure they are just as mad about this. Maybe all of you can call a meeting with the step-daughter and aunt and say that more planning needs to go into this. There is safety in numbers. It's been my experience that the people giving the party are the one's who paid for it. But all people involved in paying had an equal say in the plans.

.


ITA, If you think it would be a problem for you to discuss this with your SD by yourself, I think getting the other girls involved is a great idea. I'm sure they can shed some light on this matter with their perspective. Maybe then your SD wouldn't think you personally were attacking her. If after discussing this amongst you all, she still feels the same, I would graciously tell her that you will bring the drinks, but you don't approve of the way she handled this shower, and make it clear to her that it is tacky and that because of her demanding behavior, she may have caused hurt feelings toward the other bridesmaids, as well as making her invitation list smaller. JMO

[1tiredmom]

like queenangie said -but i wouldn't spend that much punch-i think sav-a-center or winn dixie has kool-aid packages 10/100 this week-see you will probably get there early to decorate the place-& you will put the daughter in gasping turmoil (have the real thing in the car) and i would ask in front of the bride to be after the shower about the get together they are planning they must have overlooked your daughter (she's underaged correct?) and since all of you are together yall can decide on other arraingements (sp & typing!!)to include her and then They can get together & do their bachlorette party thing and they will have a good time not having to worry about the youngest one

then get the heathen that doesn't like you after the wedding-tell her she married her father not her or her sisters/brothers/or mom fror that matter and they were part of the package -you don't care if she likes you or not but she will respect you and be polite to her as you are to her --
that's just me

[Surfergal]

............Throwing a shower is the bridesmaids and mothers doing ...

I believe if the mom throws a shower it is totally tacky- like saying -hey all my kid needs gifts...A gal at work did this for all her kids for each wedding and each baby and there were many...a shower is for friends and other relatives to throw IF THEY WANT TO. I do not think bridesmaids should have to throw a shower, after all, they and mom are already putting big bucks and time into the enterprize. totally tacky, tacky, tacky. be sure to buy all generic brands of pop, tea and coffee ...

[Willow]

http://www.topweddinglinks.com/etiquette.html

This link might help. When my friend got married her maid of honor is the one who planned the bridal shower. I was a bridesmaid and she did contact us to let us know that she was planning it and asked if we would like to be involved and of course we all said yes. My friends mother also helped in setting it up but she wasn't the actual one who was giving the shower. Although you don't have to have an elaborate shower I do think it is tacky not to have some sort of a party for the bride.

[msmom79]

My Opinion Is You Should Throw A Party,that" All" The Sisters Can Go To(so-no One Feels Left Out).show Them All How It Is Done . Im So Sorry That This Was Done To You And Your Daughter Who Is To Young To Attend.very Tacky,but Most Of All Very ,very Rude. Have A Tea,tea Of Tea With Maybe Cup Cakes With All The Girls And The Bride To Be. Its Not Expensive,but Shows You Still Care. Now If One Of My Daughters Couldnt Go,then I Dont Think I Would Go Either(jmo). And I Agree With Others Who Have Posted,take The Drinks You Want,not What Someone Demands You Bring. A Big Hug To You ,ann