Oh, I am so mad right now! *LONG*

[Tasha405]

I swear, if my dad calls me one more time and leaves me a message like he did earlier today... I WILL GO OFF!! We have never had a great relationship, although I did live with him when my parents split up. It was pure *H* but I had no other choice. I left when I was 15 and never went back. I have only visited him a few times and each time I do, he does nothing but gripe, preach and complain about things that I can't help and have no control over. All he cares about is himself and I get so sick of hearing it. I bet blamed for my brother or sister being sick, or that he doesn't have money, or that someone made him mad and so on. I get blamed for it all! I can't stand the griping all the time. Thats why I left as young as I did (plus he had kicked me out a million times).

I used to let my oldest son go up there and spend a night here and there but I had to put a stop to it because he NEVER watched my son. My son 5 & 6 years old at the time and would be wondering along the main highway there ALL BY HIMSELF!! I had several different people tell me this, so I stopped letting my son go up there. He would also get into that nasty creek up there and everything and my dad never had a clue as to where my son was. All he does is talk on the phone, talk about all of us kids and gripe and preach to everyone.

My 3 yr old and 9 month old doesn't know him. Why? Because I took my 3 yr old to his house one time and he never even looked at him. He just griped at me the whole time. I sent him pics of him when he was just 2 months old and guess what?? HE SENT THEM BACK!! When I got the envelope in the mail that day, I couldn't open it. I just knew he had sent them back. I left it laying on my counter for days before I finally opened it and when I seen that, it broke my heart. This man has broke my heart a million times and I'm sick of being done like this. Its pretty sad that i can't have a good relationship with him like normal people do. Oh nooooooo, we have to be a bunch of idiots who can't act right around each other.

It breaks my heart that I feel this way but I honestly can't make myself talk to him. I don't want to. Why should I? All he's going to do is gripe at me. I can't stand it anymore. I'm tired of being treated this way. :( :mad: :(

I know this a probably TMI but I can't help it. I have no one else to talk to and I really needed to vent. I'm just really upset right now.

Now I'm going to go cry. :(

[Tasha405]

Here is my e-mail to him that i just wrote. I'm not sure if I'm going to send it or not though. Even though we have been through so much, I still love him. I love him because he is my dad but not like a dad. Ya know what I mean? :(

Dad

I got your message today and it made me mad. I'm sorry that I don't have time to talk to you every single time you call here but I do have a house, a husband and three kids to take care. I can't spend all my time talking on the phone. Why did you bring *my DH* into this? He doesn't have a thing to do with me not talking to you on the phone or not e-mailing you. He works 6 and sometimes 7 days a week, so he is not even here 90% of the time. I can't help that *my sister* and *my brother* have had surgeries but you know what? I have too! I've had 2 surgeries in the past 3 or 4 years and no one ever seemed to care. I'm sorry that they are sick but I can't make them better. So why are you gripping at me over it? I can't help it!

The reason why *my son* doesn't come up there and stay is because YOU NEVER WATCHED HIM WHEN HE DID! He would go up *into another part of town* all by himself, get in that nasty creek and everything and you never knew. Why? Because you didn't watch him. Thats why I don't let him go up there anymore. I don't bring the other kids up there because you wouldn't pay then any attention if I did. You would just want to run your mouth on me over things that I have nothing to do with and can't help. I can't handle it. I heard that crap for years and it makes me sick. I can't fix everything that goes on in everyones life. I wish I could, but I can't.

The reason I never get to answer your calls is because I'm usually outside in the pool or yard with my kids so they can play. Or I'm either cooking, cleaning and giving one of them a bath. Like I said before, I don't have time to stay on the phone 24-7.

[ttistin]

{{{Hugs}}}

It sounds like you do not need this man in your life. I dont want to come across mean but it sounds like it would be best if you just cut him out of your life altogeather. If all he is doing is calling you up leaving messages like that then block his number.

{{{hugs}}} again

[ttistin]

Here is my e-mail to him that i just wrote. I'm not sure if I'm going to send it or not though. Even though we have been through so much, I still love him. I love him because he is my dad but not like a dad. Ya know what I mean? :(

Dad

I got your message today and it made me mad. I'm sorry that I don't have time to talk to you every single time you call here but I do have a house, a husband and three kids to take care. I can't spend all my time talking on the phone. Why did you bring *my DH* into this? He doesn't have a thing to do with me not talking to you on the phone or not e-mailing you. He works 6 and sometimes 7 days a week, so he is not even here 90% of the time. I can't help that *my sister* and *my brother* have had surgeries but you know what? I have too! I've had 2 surgeries in the past 3 or 4 years and no one ever seemed to care. I'm sorry that they are sick but I can't make them better. So why are you gripping at me over it? I can't help it!

The reason why *my son* doesn't come up there and stay is because YOU NEVER WATCHED HIM WHEN HE DID! He would go up *into another part of town* all by himself, get in that nasty creek and everything and you never knew. Why? Because you didn't watch him. Thats why I don't let him go up there anymore. I don't bring the other kids up there because you wouldn't pay then any attention if I did. You would just want to run your mouth on me over things that I have nothing to do with and can't help. I can't handle it. I heard that crap for years and it makes me sick. I can't fix everything that goes on in everyones life. I wish I could, but I can't.

The reason I never get to answer your calls is because I'm usually outside in the pool or yard with my kids so they can play. Or I'm either cooking, cleaning and giving one of them a bath. Like I said before, I don't have time to stay on the phone 24-7.


If you do decide to send it {maybe hold on to it for a few days and then decide} but if you do maybe you could add something along the lines that yes he is your father and you do love him, but you cant handle talking to him if all he does is complaine about everything.

{{Hugs}}

[buttrfli]

ITA with ttistin... no one needs someone in their lives like that.

He may have helped create you, but to me it sounds like he is no father at all. Personally, if it were me, I wouldn't even bother sending the letter... writing it helped you get everything out, but just from what I read (and I am sure there is a lot more to it) I don't think he deserves any sort of explanation. Its a lot eaiser for me to say than it is for you to do, but it sounds like he should be cut out from your life.

You cry sweetie... we will all be right here for you {{{HUGS}}}

[Blondiex46]

IMO you gave to much of an explanation to him. But, as a parent of children that don't call or come and see me ITU where he might be coming from. Although you have not had the best relationsip with him, he is the grandparent of your children and maybe you could make some time for him, like schedule a phone call and a time for the kids to see him. I am not saying you have to take them over and leave them, but it sounds like he wants you to be a part of him life and the way he is going about it is just not the way it should be, but may be the way he is. My father (when he was alive) wanted me to call him everyday and come and see him and my excuse was that I had a "life" including 3 kids and a husband oh yea a job outside the home. Now I realize that I was his daughter and he needed to see me for whatever reason and my kids also. So now I am in the position when my children hand me the "I have a life thing" and I think well if it wasn't for me you wouldn't have a life. Sorry they are just my thoughts, from the other side. Good luck in whatever you do.

[justbeachy]

I read somewhere that when someone calls you to complain and gripe, you should mirror the complaint back to them so that they get no satisfaction from venting at you. Also, by channeling it back at them, instead of rising to the occasion, you protect your own feelings and mood. Example: If they say "I can't believe you won't spend all day talking to me on the phone", you say "So what you are saying is, you are mad that I won't spend all day talking to you on the phone". Eventually, not getting the "fix" they need, they quit veing so negative or think that you are hard of hearing and quit calling. I don't know if it would work but it's worth a shot.

Edited to add hugs. :o

[ahippiechic]

http://members.cox.net/conniefly/images/huggie.gif

[kelly12569]

Just wanted to offer you hugs hun

(((((Tasha)))))

[MamaFairal]

SEND IT~ but i would drop the part about sitting out by the pool in the after noon and just say i have children to watch...house to keep...things to do!

*JMHO~ kinda makes it sound like your lounging out by the pool all day watching the kids play and prolly in his opinion you could talk on phone to him then...lol

[Willow]

(((((Tasha))))) I'm sorry your father is this way. Like someone else said you could always keep the email for a few days and then if you still feel the same way then you could send it.

[NewUOnce]

Or, you could wake up one day to find your dad nearly at death's door, needing a pacemaker and a stroke victim. I know. I just found my father who lives several states away in this condition. I'm really sorry you have a not so wonderful relationship with your Dad. Just know that any relationship beats finding out that he doesn't even remember you or your children.

I live 1100 miles away and arrived to find my dad looking pitiful. He's 87 and is always spry, full of life and raring to go. Not this time. I knew he was in trouble and so did both of my sisters. They did nothing but pick up the phone to call me and tell me. We aren't babies. We are all 50 or more. No they let me drive for 2 days to get there to do anything. So I did. I put him in the hospital, had him wired up with a pacemaker, had 30+ tests done on him and got him well enough to go to my sister's house. Do you think they can even pick up the phone to call and get his rehab started as ordered by his cardiologist? OH HECK NO! Now they tell me Dad doesn't remember me or my kids.

So, set your dad straight. Tell him life is too short for him to whine. Get in there and be a grandfather and do a good job so that you can have a few free hours to maybe do something for him or with him. Most of all, don't be sorry and don't close that chapter of your life. At my age I know that ignorance isn't really an excuse, but our parents did all that they knew and usually it wasn't much. Some lucked out and got Ward and June Cleaver. Sounds like you got in the same line I did when we got our parents.

Hang in and be strong. Try to learn from what your dad is/is not doing and improve on it the best you can. I wish you luck no matter how it turns out. Most of all, just don't be sorry for your choices because someday you may wake up to find that dear 'ol dad doesn't even remember you.

[Tasha405]

Thanks everyone for the replies. It's so hard on me when he does this. And no, its not just this one phone call today, its been this way for as long as I can remember. I love him and I don't want to hurt his feelings or get him upset in any way and I do worry about his health but at the same time, I just wish he would leave me alone sometimes. Just stop griping at me and complaining about everything. Its sad to say but he does all of us kids this way. My brother only talks to him once or twice a year and they live in the same county! But its because he does him the same way. My sister talks to him more but he's not as bad with her, because she's the baby.

I guess you would have to know everything to really understand how I feel when he does me this way. I'm not going to get into all of that either. I would crash BBS if I did. lol I could go on for days.

I think it really bothers me too because I didn't have a good relationship with him and I hoped that my kids would have been able to. I just don't see it happening though.

I know he gets lonely but thats no right to talk to us the way he does. Maybe one day all of us can work things out and make things better.

I still haven't sent the letter and I don't think I will. I wrote it in a fit of anger and I know it will hurt his feelings. No matter how many times he has hurt mine, I just can't do that to him. No matter what, he is still my dad and I do have to respect him.

Thanks for letting me vent. {{{Hugs}}}

[Tasha405]

Oh and we also live in different states, so its hard to just find time to visit and take the kids there. If we lived closer it would easier as far as that goes.

After reading the part about being outside in the pool and all of that, it really sounds stupid. LOL :o I just wanted to try and explain what I meant but it just didn't come out right. Sometimes I have problems trying to express what I mean. I guess its a good thing I didn't send it. LOL

[twinfawn]

I totally agree with you NewUOnce, I just found out my dad is dying of stage 3 lung cancer and it is also in his lymph nodes..I can't even think about him without crying.....Tasha, I know its none of my business, and you are right, we don't know everything, but I really would try and work the problem out with your dad, one day you just might be sorry....I know I am for alot of things that it is probably to late to fix now.......all I want him to know, is that I love him so much....and I can't imagine not being able to just pick up the phone and call him....

[momfromTN]

My dad and mom divorced when I was 18. Dad was fine until he remarried the hag from hell. And before any stepmoms on here get all upset, let me tell the whole story. I DO understand there are terrific stepmoms.

Dad married a woman with 5 kids, 1 of which was grown and one almost grown. I lived with them a few months and then the trouble started. Her kids never had to pay rent to live at home~I did and Dad attempted to make my then-16 yr old sister do it too. I didn't mind helping out because I was 18. But it is not fair to make me do it and not the grown kids of the Stephag. Then my sister wanted to quit school and Dad was going to let her. I told him just because Stephag's kids quit school, didn't mean MY sister was going to and I was going to call my mother. He told me I was no longer his daughter and to get out. He also revealed the name of my biological mother to me. My Mom had planned to tell me when I was 21 and she was PISSED!

I moved on, went to college and married and had kids. I see him every few years or so, when my mom allows him to share our family Christmas or something. I make no bones about him and have told him how I feel about how he treated us, his own kids. (He kicked my sister out too and he and his white trash "family" took over our family home and trashed it.) He is divorced from Stephag. I told him that when he dies, he better have made arrangements for someone to claim his body, because I am not doing it. He never acknowledged the birth of my children, and never has sent a card or letter. I have sent pictures in the past, and will probably still send the annual Christmas card, but otherwise, I really have no feelings for him. If he died today, I can honestly say I would not really grieve his passing. His side of the family, except my grandma (now deceased~Grandpa died way before the divorce) and one aunt, disowned us. So, basically, my dad and his family can kiss my rear end. I don't give a rats rear end anymore. If he lives to be very old and ill, it will be his problem. I have too many other things to be concerned about him anymore. If he ever apologized for how he treated me, maybe things could be a little different, but he never has and I will bet, never will. My other Grandpa, gave me away at my wedding. Dad was there, but I felt he didn't deserve the honor.

I might sound cold-hearted, but a real parent wouldn't forsake his OWN kids to make sure his second wife didn't leave him. A real grandpa would acknowledge his grandsons. I don't feel a bit guilty about my decision at all.

[Tasha405]

I'm so sorry your dad treated you like that. :( If you ever want/need to talk, feel free to PM me. {{{Hugs}}}

[Tasha405]

I totally agree with you NewUOnce, I just found out my dad is dying of stage 3 lung cancer and it is also in his lymph nodes..I can't even think about him without crying.....Tasha, I know its none of my business, and you are right, we don't know everything, but I really would try and work the problem out with your dad, one day you just might be sorry....I know I am for alot of things that it is probably to late to fix now.......all I want him to know, is that I love him so much....and I can't imagine not being able to just pick up the phone and call him....

The problem is.. I have tried! I've tried for years and I just give up. There is no talking to this man. I've wrote him letters, I've called him, I've talked to him in person and he just turns it around to be my fault or my brothers or my sisters. Nothing is ever his fault and we are just horrible kids who are going to burn in you know where. Thats all we ever hear from him. Well, that and many other things. I love my dad and I know that if he were to die or become very ill, it would just kill me but what hurts the most is knowing that he's getting older and his health isn't that great and I still can't have a good father/daughter relationship with him. He would rather gripe at us 24/7 than to have a good happy time with us. That's just how he is. He's not happy so therefor no one should be and thats sad.

[okie]

Both of my parents are deadbeats.I have no contact with my dad.I have
seen him in stores(usually Wal-Mart,lol) and he either doesn't recognize
me or just doesn't want to talk to me and i know of a few instances
where we did make eye contact and he just kept walking.My grandmother's
house was blown away a few years ago by a tornado and my other grandmother and aunt came by to make sure we were all okay but did he?NO
I talk to my mom and i can't really tell you why.She is no better than my dad.
Maybe even worse.We fight constantly.My grandparents raised me and my siblings most of our lives and they were the ones who took care of us.So
when my sperm and egg donor get old and sick or die they better have
arrangements made because i am not going to be taking care of them
or paying for their funerals.And i'm sure my sisters and my brother won't
either.

[swan0002]

My best advice: Save it for a few days, but if you still feel this way.... send it! I lost my Dad to cancer when I was 16 yrs old and can relate to the fact that parents aren't around forever....However, my Dad was the greatest! You deserve to be treated well, no matter what. Give him a chance, but don't compromise your family. ((((HUGS))))